Mumsnet Talk

I've confiscated ds's phone as despite several warnings he's still got indecent photos of a girl (not his girlfriend acc to him, although I think she might see their relationship differently) on his phone. She's now sent him photos of herself masturbating .... And I suspect he's sent her similar photos of himself although he denies this - he's just turned 15, she's 14

I know this is very common among teens but we told him that while he will be free to do whatever he wants (as long as it's legal) when he's an adult, he isn't free to do whatever he wants now, especially not with a phone we pay for.

Anyway my dilemma is do I tell the girl's parents? Really struggling with what's the right thing to do here so would appreciate some points of view. Dh says not, it's up to us to police ds and her parents to police her...

You might want to check whether your ds has received these pictures directly from the girl herself, or if they have been forwarded all around the school - this happens a lot. If he has had them from the girl, check whether he has forwarded them to anyone. This is a very dodgy legal area and could lay anyone who forwards the images open to child pornography charges.

It's a difficult one particularly as her parents may kick off, I think I would contact school (assuming they go to the same school) and let them deal with it

Is this really common among teens? Mine are little so I have no idea about this stuff. Sending a photo of yourself masturbating seems really extreme to me.

What I do know is that if one of my DDs were doing this I would definitely want to know. I'm not sure how that helps you though.

I'm just shocked that this is normal, really shocked.

Your DS needs to know that it is not acceptable to keep these images on his phone and it might help to familiarise with the law helpful?

I also think you have a responsibility to pass on the information to another appropriate adult - I would prefer to speak directly to the parents rather than the school - to make sure that the girl is also aware of the law, and how vulnerable she is once she has sent images like this.

I also wouldn't miss the opportunity to do the whole 'respect for women' chat with DS - he is part of a bigger picture, I know, but it's worth working on!

When I was at school most other girls would have died in a ditch rather than admit they masturbated, now they're doing it on camera.

My instinct is that you should tell the other parents (it's tough but I would wat to know if my DD was an amateur porn star) but I disagree with cluelessnchaos about telling the school. If you tell the school, won't it become a child protection issue and they will be obliged to bring in the police? That would be a very ugly situation for your DS.

When I was at school most other girls would have died in a ditch rather than admit they masturbated, now they're doing it on camera.

My thoughts exactly. Are we that old?

it's normal ?

no, it isn't

and if my teenage dd was sending these kind of pics to people, I would want to know

same for my ds...if he was found to be distributing the pics there is all sorts of trouble he could get into

I like to think I'm not! There was a thread on here just the other day about a mother who found a video of her 14 year old dd masturbating which she had sent out to a few of the local lads.

No it isn't common.

I have 2 DDs and there have been only one occasion of this at their school. When the teachers found out that several boys were sharing the photos a girl had sent of herself <from a webcam> the whole year were called into assembly and told in no uncertain terms that it is illegal to have/share an indecent picture of an underage child.

They were told to delete any photos they had and that the police would be called immediately if it happened again.

I don't understand why this kind of thing isn't spoken about at schools more.

Her parents need to know as long as you are sure it is her, not someone pretending to be her.
Sadly it is not unusual, we have heard of a girl self harming as a result of being asked to this by a boy

It's definitely a child pornography issue and child protection. I would tell her parents; for your son's sake don't get the school involved. He has to realise how serious this is. I'm surprised he hasn't had a talk about this at school. Our DCs have. I have DSs and a DD and I would definitely like to know about this. Good luck!

sorry to disappear after getting advice - my son was reading my posts <hi! waves at son cheerily>

we've had a long talk and he still doesn't recognise that there's a problem

yes, they have had talks about it at school, but obviously nothing's sunk in

anyway, the phone's gone for at least 6 months and I will review whether or not to tell the girl's parents depending on their behaviour over the next few months

Sorry but I can't not comment on this. This girl has made herself extremely vulnerable by her actions and she and her parents need to be aware of this. I do think that you should take some action now and not in a few months.

When things like this are uncovered at my school there us always an unholy row, exclusions (mostly temp but on one occasion permanent) and assemblies to remind students of the law.

We know it goes on but the message us that it us totally unacceptable and the students are often reminded if the consequences to even receiving pornographic images without deleting / reporting them. The problem we (all) have us that many teens accept this as 'normal'. Our job is to emphasise that it is NOT.

Sorry - 'us' should read 'is'

You're going to leave it for a few months

Words fail me.....

I'd tell the girl's parents, they need to be aware of the danger she's putting herself in, and to find out how many others she's sent similar photos too.
Your DS shouldn't be so blase about it, the consequences of this and other behaviour in a similar vein could be serious for him.
Just because the girl is choosing to behave in a stupid and provocative manner doesn't mean he can't get caught up, blamed and end up explaining to the police why he took part in exploiting her.
My DS is 17, we discuss a range of issues around girls, sexuality, consent and what constitutes appropriate behaviour.

'we told him that while he will be free to do whatever he wants (as long as it's legal) when he's an adult'

Yes he will be free, but what sort of an adult do you want him to be, and what sort of choices will he be making then?

OP, do you have a daughter?

Well, if it was my child sending pics like this, I would definitely want to know. It would be awful not to know, and I would be grateful to another parent for telling me (though obviously upset). I would probably be a bit upset if they told me in a judgemental sort of way, but a 'I thought you'd want to know about this' would be appreciated.

I really, really don't think that leaving it for a few months is the way to go here. Especially if your ds isn't seeing the problem.

There might be a video of his todger doing the rounds at school.

You need to contact the school so they can implement child protection procedures. Unless you fancy explaining your knowledge of your sons part in this to a police officer.

From a safeguarding point of view the school/police will not look favourably on you sitting on this kind of material. I would contact the parents and also let the school know. Email them, even tho it's half term then they can act on it Monday.

I also forgot to add - I very much doubt the girl's parents will have the same relaxed attitude as you. They need to know so they can talk to her - urgently. And they will also be spoken to by school no doubt so they need to know as much as they can asap

i am really really shocked that you are going to 'see how they behave for a few months'

no wonder your son doesn't undersatnd how serious this is-you don't seem to understand either!!!