Codeine

[AliceScarlett]

Over a year off it and I bought solphadine today. So angry with myself. I wasn't feeling well at work, but now I just feel trapped and wrong. It wasn't fun, but today it felt better than sobriety. I'm such a twat.

[QOD]

I have 30mg on repeat. I try not to worry about it
I'm sorry you're struggling

[AliceScarlett]

But I'm not in pain, I use it recreationally and take 4 at a time. I get that it is a prescription med, but then so is morphine! I could justify it if I had physical pain, but I don't, just emotional pain.

[TheWeeBabySeamus1]

Today was a blip, it happens. Tomorrows a fresh start and all you can do is pick yourself up and carry on. You've done really well to go a year sober, so you know you can do it.

Are you getting any help with your emotional problems or have anyone close you can confide in?

[AliceScarlett]

Thanks. Yeah I have therapy, I haven't spoken about it though because I didn't think it was a problem anymore. Alas. I can't tell anyone "irl" because I'm too ashamed.

I'm already planning to take some tomorrow morning. I know it is my choice whether I do so or not....just makes the day seem easier.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Tomorrow. It would make tomorrow easier, you know better than anyone you'll be starting down the full on addiction road again, is that what you want?

[AliceScarlett]

In a way yes, that's a big problem. Obviously the answer is mostly no, of course not.... But, codeine serves a function for me. It's a nice numb. I know trying to get away from emotions isn't wise. I just don't feel very strong ATM.

I have to choose to step up and sort this. Because ATM I'm in denial "oh I'll just finish this packet", bullshit.

[TheWeeBabySeamus1]

I think you should visit your GP and see if they can help you. It's an addiction ( made worse by the fact that it's legal so easy to get ) and you need support.

I get where you're coming from... I had a really traumatic incident a few years ago and for a long time I used both legal ( codeine and nytols ) and illegal ( weed ) drugs as a crutch to get through the day. Short term did it make things easier to deal with? Yes, absolutely. But it didn't deal with the underlying cause or make the hurt disappear. Sometimes the hurt will never go, but you have to find a less destructive way of managing it.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Alice do yourself a massive favour, and flush them

[PointlessUsername]

Throw the rest of the packet away. Today was a blip you have come this far. A year is a long time.

[originalusernamefail]

Echoing the PP who say see your GP. I take codeine for a recurring back / hip injury I got from work, but I also know the 'numb' feeling you talk about and occasionally take 2-3 30mg tabs when 1 would do . Please don't take 4 solpadeine at a time. They contain paracetamol and regular small overdoses can lead to cumulative- and permanent liver damage.

[wonkylampshade]

Alice, just checking out new topic... Do what Bastard says and flush them, you don't have to take the test of them. Think of how far you've come

[AliceScarlett]

Too scared they would sit in the bottom of the loo. Have thrown them away in a bag in a public bin. That's so scary - that I felt I had to put them in a bin I could not then go and get them out of. What fucking new low is this. I've freaked myself out. Going to call and make a gp appt.

[wonkylampshade]

Well done, that took a lot of resolve and strength. So glad you're going to the GP.

[FuckyNell]

Well done you

[BastardGoDarkly]

Proud of you Alice

[AliceScarlett]

Thanks guys. Really appreciate it.

I just rang surgery, my gp has left! I can't get an appt for 2 weeks and I don't know this new person. I am thinking about how I can just go and buy more... It's like a switch has gone in my head. I'm really scared. I don't want this.

Googled help for Codiene and there doesn't appear to be much. I'm not going to NA, it's not that serious.

Going to email my therapist.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Yes, email your therapist, that's a good start.

Once you've stumbled, it's so much easier to think.. Fuck it, but you mustn't, it will only get harder and harder to stop.

I hope your therapist can help you through the next fortnight, we're here anyway :)

[AliceScarlett]

Feel pretty shit. Emailed therapist. Just want today to be over. Nothing to say really. Just typing for something to do.

[BastardGoDarkly]

So you didn't buy more? That's great :) (I know you're rolling your eyes, and thinking.. Yeah, marvellous!)

Did your therapist not get back to you?

[YoJesse]

Alice you're doing great. I know how tasty codeine can be
. Pre baby I used to have it with a few cans as my default, 'not drugs' relaxer after work with a few cans. Stoppedbeing regular when the firemen broke in as dh couldn't get in our flat as I was flat out. Never touched it since ds for that scary out cold reason.pl

[SpecialNonOperations]

The paracetamol in the codeine is very harsh on your liver. Can I suggest support on a specialist drugs forum? You will get lots of support, codeine is an opiate, it's certainly not nothing. In rehab there were people there for Tylenol 3..which is codeine.
If you like I can suggest online support via pm.

[AliceScarlett]

Yeah I didn't buy anymore. Thank-you for all your help.

I know opiates are not "nothing" but because they are OTC I just don't feel it's very serious. When I was snorting line's of Ketamine and smoking weed everyday for 5 years, that was a "proper" addiction. This just feels like all the bad points without much of the good. I can function fine on them, but the paracetamol is more dangerous than the weed and maybe even the Ketamine.

[SpecialNonOperations]

The paracetamol will Fuck your liver up.
Codeine addiction is not sinking into a k hole, but it will need dealing with.
You and I both know you won't be satisfied forever with codeine, and it will escalate. It always does.
Please check out the support online, with other people who have opiate problems. No one will laugh you out of there for it being codeine.
Weed is legal where I live, and to be frank, not as dangerous as what you are doing.
Are you mixing with booze?

[AliceScarlett]

Can you link me? So many forums out there...

Not mixing with booze, I haven't drank for 1.5 years because surprise surprise I can't control what I drink.

I have clonazapam prescribed, on repeat, 1mg a day, which I think is a lot. I'm supposed to take it as prn, but I take 0.5 daily.

I'm sure my liver is fine, I have been taking paracetamol for months, but it's only the Codiene at 2mgs a go. I felt really sick yesterday but OK today.

I think I need to have some sort of rule that if I do take Codiene again I will then have to access drug and alcohol services. Maybe that's a good enough deterrent.

[AliceScarlett]

I went out tonight and drank. First time in 1.5 years, what the fuck am I doing? What's next? I need to get a grip. Ffs.

It's gone 2am, I've had an hour of sleep, woken up sick, headachy, hearts racing. My tonsils are up and I'm feeling coldy. Just can't stop crying. Trying to not wake DH.
I'm so scared of my own ability to fuck myself over.
I've not done anything terrible, which is almost worst, I'm high functioning. But there is a slope opening up in front of me and it's really slippy. Few more steps down and. Ugh.