Help - hate my step son

(97 Posts)
Boop81 Sun 18-Oct-09 16:24:42

Hi,
I've been looking at some of the posts on here and was inspired to ask you for some advice. I'm having real problems coping with my feelings towards my step son. I've been with my partner for about 18 months. We married quickly - 10 months into the relationship. Quick I know, but I've known this man and his son for years. I'm really close with his family, having been on holiday with them etc for many years. I got on fine with my step son before we were together, and even when we first got married, but now I'm having real problems. I hate weekends, I hate him coming here to stay. He's always questioning everything, butting into conversations and generaly being annoying. I've spoken to my other half about this and he just says to tell him off, but I really want to smack him, which I would never do, but it bothers me that the urge is there. He's not particulary untidy, he can be disrepectful at times, but I suppose that's normal for any 11 year old. I've tried everything to bond with him, taking him out for the day, playing games with him, but I just don't want to be around him any more. My husband works nights, so sleeps on a Sunday afternoon, which leaves me with him. I find anything and everything to distance myself from him. I know that he's not stupid and has probably picked up on the fact that I don't like him, which leaves me feeling so ashamed of myself for feeling like this. I just don't know where to go next. I can't stand him hugging me or trying to sit next to me. He makes my flesh crawl. This is really hard to admit, but I hate him. I even took a job at weekends so I wouldn't have to be at home. That jobs finished now, so I'm back at home at weekends, and I dread them. Has anyone got any ideas as to how I can change my thinking about this? I've tried talking to my other half, but he just doesn't get it.
Thanks in advance for any advice!!

Oblomov Tue 15-Jun-10 14:08:37

I feel really sorry for the Op. She came her for advice. I feel similar to how she feels about my son ds1(6). his answering back and stroppy behaviour hasn't got any better even though i have been trying and trying. I had to admit recently that he has just worn me down and thta i don't love him anymore. infact i hate both him and his behaviour and the affect he has had on our lives. but i will endeavour to hide this and adjst my parenting to try and cope with this.
so this has nothing to do with step parenting. i am sure Op is not the only step mum or mum to have EVER felt these things.
Give her a break. And lets try and help her with some constructive advice.

Oblomov Tue 15-Jun-10 14:15:58

I think we all agree that its unlikely that Op will come back. Mn at its worst. Nice one ladies.

mjinhiding Tue 15-Jun-10 16:02:12

Message withdrawn

mjinhiding Tue 15-Jun-10 16:02:12

Message withdrawn

shoegal1 Sun 20-Jun-10 23:08:19

This thread is atrocious! How on earth can anyone say that an 11year old makes their skin crawl? My partner has a 5 year old girl and a six year old boy, they have their moments (as all children do) but as a mother to my own 5year old I recognise that they are children who most of all need love, care and security in their lives. I also understand that however difficult things may be for me, these innocent little children have been through enough hardship in their short lives and it is partly up to me to ensure their lives improve not deteriorate! I adore my partners children partly because I love him and they are his, but also because they are innocent CHILDREN who have done nothing wrong and deserve to be well looked after.
It seems like boop81 needs to grow up and remind herself who is supposed to be the adult in the relationship!

buttons99 Mon 21-Jun-10 09:22:54

Wow shoedal1 - hope your halo never has a reason to drop off your head. i would imagine every stepparent would wish to have the idealic step family set up and adore their stepchildren, but in the real world we are not all that lucky...maybe you are. Your post is incredibly cruel to a stepmother who is clearly struggling and came on here for support..if you cant be honest here where can you. Lets hope the day never arrives when your stepchildren become a problem (older then now is a highly likely time!!!) and you need support...and for what its worth I cant imagine any parent hasnt had days where they don't dislike their own children so why should stepchildren be any different...unless of course you are the mother of a child who never puts a step out of place!!!! Maybe its you who needs to grow up and think of another adults feelings rather than purely harping on about the innocence of childhood.

Autumnsun Thu 01-Jul-10 19:57:41

Well said buttons - I began step parenting a 5 and 8 year old. Now they are 11 and 14 and boy is it a different story!!

Martina27 Fri 23-Mar-12 11:31:06

Good on you Boop81 for being so honest about your dark thoughts about your step son. Having dark thoughts doesn't make you a bad person.
It sounds to me that there is possibly quite a lot more to this story than you have had the time to tell us?

NameInChalk Fri 23-Mar-12 11:32:45

*ZOMBIE THREAD*

This is a particularly sinister one as well. <shudders>

MiriamWhite86 Sun 23-Jun-13 13:31:45

Boop I can completely relate to how your feeling, and appreciate all the other positive feedback people have given here.
I love kids and am very close to my young nephews and thought as a step parent I would feel that same way towards my partners son. We have busy lives and sometimes I find it near impossible to be trying to organise out lives around his son.
He is a great kid, and I know he adores me and couldn't ask for better really. I know this, yet still I dread the weekends we have him and feel like us rather be somewhere else, or spending time doing things I would rather be doing.
I do my best to try and organise things with other kids and families the weekends we have him, and initially I didn't find it hard, but a year in I just don't enjoy his company and find the whole situation inconvenient and annoying, and I feel guilty for this as I know he is a great kid!
I don't have kids of my own so part of me feels like I am sacrificing half of my life for the sake of my partners choice to have a child.
I suffer massively, alot of it being guilt, as I want to be a good parent and role model but just feel myself despising my partners son for so many of the reasons others gave above. I don't look at him and feel love, I don't look at him and think he's cute. All I see is someone else's child.
Clearly it's a massive lifestyle change and reading all the comments above are a huge sanity! And it is also good to hear from a step child's perspective.

daisychain01 Sun 23-Jun-13 17:37:09

OP perhaps it was the language and words you used that could have been chosen with a little more circumspection. Hatred, making your skin crawl, may I suggest such words are not appropriate when referring to a young lad, who may well be crying out for attention, hence the butting in and not behaving as you would wish, All that said, we are ALL human and your frustration, bewilderment at your negative emotions come through very strongly. Would some family counselling help to put things into perspective and heal this sad sitaution and maybe build a bond with your DSS?

Petal02 Sun 23-Jun-13 18:35:25

I think building a bond can sometimes be unrealistic - you can't force feelings that don't exist. Sometimes being kind, polite and respectful is sufficient?

PrettyPaperweight Sun 23-Jun-13 20:22:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychain01 Mon 24-Jun-13 02:25:00

Petal02, at the age of 11 DSS is developing and changing. Why isnt it reasonable to give things a chance to build trust and enjoy a positive relationship? It is realistic and I am speaking from personal experience as a DSD who now loves my DSM as if she were my own despite having terribly conflicting feelings. It took time and patience, and my DSM has been patient beyond words with me for however long it took!

PrettyPaperweight Mon 24-Jun-13 07:41:00

daisy The DSS is not 11, he's 15. This thread is 4 years old.

Fairystepsthought Mon 24-Jun-13 20:24:18

Totally agree with Maitri - people think that because you love your dh or do that you should love their dscs too and i think that sometimes it feels like you should too but it doesnt quite happen like that does it? sounds like you're doing a great job to me. Stick at it - he does sound like a normal 11 yr old - perhaps he's just testing the boundaries?

Eliza22 Tue 25-Jun-13 08:58:09

He's 15 now!!!

I wonder how this panned out for Boop..... And the boy?

Boop?

BoopDeBoop Sun 15-Jun-14 19:54:33

Obviously the OP is long gone, and can't blame her given the early replies. Things got a lot more reasonable later on though smile

Am resurrecting this, as it's one of the top hits that comes up when you google this subject, and believe its possible to shed a little more light on it, perhaps even supplying the answer that Boop was seeking 5 years ago.

BoopDeBoop Sun 15-Jun-14 19:54:33

Obviously the OP is long gone, and can't blame her given the early replies. Things got a lot more reasonable later on though smile

Am resurrecting this, as it's one of the top hits that comes up when you google this subject, and believe its possible to shed a little more light on it, perhaps even supplying the answer that Boop was seeking 5 years ago.

Arielwasamermaid Sat 09-Aug-14 15:48:55

It's been very interesting reading this! I feel something very similar. My partner's 9 year old son is an only child and not used to sharing, his parents have a much more laid back approach to table manners than I do and as an only child he is very used to getting what he wants, coming first, indulged in lots of ways really. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not as 'nice' as person as I thought I was...I can't seem to stop finding him extremely irritating and wanting to avoid him! I am the mother of boys, now teenagers, have fostered children and worked in primary school for years...I thought I'd be good at this and am so disappointed to be feeling like the evil stepmother! I seem to get on very well with him, and he likes me I think...I can be fun and I think I'm kind and fair, but I get so irritated! His Dad seems to me to treat him as though he were 4 years old and cute...this adds to my irritation! Finding that I am keeping out of their way a lot. My partner is hurt that I don't think little Johnnie is funny and endearing! I need a special pill to make me think sweet thoughts! Help!

doziedoozie Sun 10-Aug-14 10:02:39

I would imagine that as your DSS grows into a teenager, and someone you can actually discuss shared interests with or things you can remember yourself such as secondary school, your relationship will improve.

If you don't have familial ties it is hard imo to get on with small children.
My DSIL was a teaching assistant and is much more able to make friends with our shared younger relatives than I am.

Arielwasamermaid Sun 10-Aug-14 17:38:30

Thanks Dozie! I have a long time to wait! ;) I have always got on very well with young kids, I think the trouble is I have to keep quiet about a lot of things because it's his Dad's job to tell him...Dad is not at all strict about anything...a gentle man, one of the things I love about him...but he never gets cross with his son. I really don't want to be the one that checks his son...I refuse that role...I'm not responsible for parenting him. But I think I just don't like the way he speaks to me...can't quite put my finger on it...guess we aren't going to like everyone we meet are we and we didn't choose each other! It's very hard! I can't help it, much as I try!

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