Ready to walk - horrible Step kids, Ex Wife & DP not much better

(132 Posts)
spillingthebeans Thu 13-Feb-14 17:48:31

Have been wanting to post for some time but it's all such a mess I don't know where to start!!

Been with DP for 3 years, volatile relationship but love him very much. I moved into his place a few months ago, we'd been living between his and mine prior to this. About 6 weeks after I moved in his eldest 2 children (pre teens) turned up on the doorstep after having a row with their mother and wanted to stay. We rang her to let her know they were safe etc. She screamed and shouted, called the police - she hates me and wants her kids to have nothing to do with me. Nothing came of it and they have been here ever since (5 or 6 weeks).

She wont let the other children come here so DP has to go and see them at least twice a week including a weekend day. He is due back in court in a couple of weeks to get the children to come here as we are both unhappy with him going to Ex's home but so far the court seems to be happy with the arrangement, i'm hoping the fact that 2 of the now live with us will make the judge see sense.

I have one child living with us who is very quiet, quite geeky, studious, no trouble - not just saying that because he is mine, I have an older child who was a pain in the bum!! I have a very good relationship with my ex and we parent well together, he has our child 2 nights per week.

Since DP's 2 have moved in i've done everything I can to make them welcome, gone and bought beds, bedding, set up the living room as their bedroom, cooked food they like, taken an interest etc. but also taken a back seat as it's very early days and they don't know me that well. I probably should say here that I have been a step mother before in my previous marriage and had a good relationship with my now adult step children, it wasn't easy but we got there in the end.

Now for the issues:

DP gives them whatever they ask for (for example - he bought another ps3 so they had one each in the same room, they then argued over a game screaming and shouting, really nasty behaviour so he went straight out and bought a duplicate of the game!?!)

They treat the house appallingly, they never take plates out, lie in bed and drop sweet wrappers on the floor, spill drinks, washing all over the floor. When asked to tidy up they moan, shout abuse and the last time the youngest decided to go back to Mums (changed his mind when he got there!)

DP pleads with them 'please do ..... for Daddy' in such a drippy way instead of just telling them to bloody do it. Honestly it drives me mad and I have lost so much respect for the man, it's like he is scared of his own children. They certainly have no respect for him and know that nothing will happen if they don't do what he has asked.

I appear to be the live in Nanny! I work from home so am a sitting target, if the children are off school ill/inservice day. Last week he allowed one of them to stay up on a school night until past 2am, I told him he was being irresponsible and that it would be difficult in the morning, so next morning said child was 'ill' couldn't get out of bed, felt sick etc. I told DP he would have to stay home with him then or take him to his mothers (a SAHM). I was completely disregarded and told he would be fine on his own and DP sauntered off to work leaving me to it!

They have been off school today and again I have been left with them even though mine is at his fathers. DP says they are old enough to be left alone all day - I disagree. I am obviously right because I popped out at lunchtime for 2 hours, came back and they + 2 friends had been in our bedroom and completely trashed the room, sweets everywhere, rubbish, drinks spilt all over the bed. This is the only room we have - I live, work and sleep in one bloody room and even that isn't sacred!

Their diet is appalling, no veg or fruit, DP gives them money every morning and they buy sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks - not just a little treat, as in todays incident there were 6 2ltr bottles of tizer, 6 packs of sweets (the size you get in the cinema), crisps etc. And DP still buys more for them 'because they like them..'

There is so much more but I have waffled on so much! Think I need a place to vent and get advice - hopefully this is it.

I'm actually moving out on Sunday into a larger place, DP wants him and the kids to come with me - I'm not so sure! sad

Blu Fri 21-Feb-14 13:51:38

OP, I am glad you have had a good week.

Have a close look at what makes you such a sucker for him. I know you said you feel sorry for him - but the thing us you can't help him because he won't accept any of your advice because he has zero respect for you. He just wants you to put up with the crap he generates (like looking after his kids while you should be working) , rather than sorting his life out and taking some responsibility. The more you feel sorry for him the more he will exploit you. The next thing will be the financial settlement. You will end up supporting him financially.

And beware of seeing yourself a the heroine who is strong enough to rescue him from himself. How far do scenarios like that cover the fact that actually you can't be to be alone / are hooked into the adrenaline and drama?

No one can rescue him until he pro-actively chooses to take some responsibility - for his kids happiness, behaviour, finances and relationships.

You are well out of it. Your DS does not need to live in a situation where his Mum is bound into a toxic relationship - that's as bad for your ds as him spending Valentine's night with his ex is for you.

You are so much stronger without this bloody man. When you get the chance, maybe re-build the friendships that you lost due to him?

Well done for sorting yourself out - onwards and upwards!

Eliza22 Fri 21-Feb-14 14:33:15

Well done you.... I predict MUCH better things, for your future smile. Keep us posted!

spillingthebeans Fri 21-Feb-14 19:53:18

Thanks again everyone, i've been thinking today though about how it could never work and how no other relationship will work for him while he is like this!

If he moved in with me (he's not) then I would lose my WFTC/CTC if they take into account his earnings, but 100% of his earnings go to his ExW (which she doesn't have to declare to get benefits) so how do people in second relationships manage to survive?? It's global maintenance and payable until he dies/she dies, she remarries (unlikely when she gets this much!) or a new court order, so not even just CM until the children end education. I guess this is what happens when you represent yourself in court and bury your head in the sand!!

As a friend, I have told him to get a residency order for the two living with him, claim the CB and possible WFTC/CM for them then when the bankruptcy is through go back to court to get it reassessed but I know he won't do any of this - I certainly am not helping him anymore, I have more important things to be doing!!! wink grin

ashtrayheart Fri 21-Feb-14 22:15:13

I need to know what pet you can't fit in your car? shock
Well done on getting out smile

spillingthebeans Sat 22-Feb-14 17:34:41

It's my alligator wink

No, a bird - his cage is massive, he's home now though, got him back this morning smile

TheMumsRush Sat 22-Feb-14 22:02:48

Ha ha! Spill that made me chuckle grin

ashtrayheart Sat 22-Feb-14 23:09:22

grin Glad you've got him back.

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