Sick of adult SCs being so needy and entitled

(58 Posts)
sudaname Sat 29-Dec-12 20:41:33

Right - had enough now - and guess what the last straw was that broke the camels back - a 3amp fuse for a plughmm. I mean he (adult SS) actually lives down the road from a diy store and actually drove past a little local diy shop to call in on daddy to get one off him. He actually texted first to check he had one and he wasnt just wanting to visit anyway for a chat or anything iyswim cos he said he couldnt stop. Last week it was a small philips screwdriver and DH sent him away with a selection as he wanted one quite small. He came back again that time too to ask for another one as they werent right - did he bring first lot back - did he fuck no!
Disclaimers now - he drives and has a well paid job and pays regular visits just to see his dad seperate from these 'B&Q' visits as l call them.
DH is a builder so son knows his dad will always have most things you can think of in the diy dept. l cant talk to DH about it cos he gets defensive - the most l can get away with is the odd sarky comment about having the B&Q sign removed etc. But he and his son just laugh

The other adult SS treats his dad like a cashpoint - £40. £50 here and there - even up to a £100 recently. Never pays him back and a third pay day has just gone past when he's said he would repay £50 and nothing. DH again just gets defensive so l can only say so much. Last month at a relatives house l had nagged him into bringing it up and he said 'you owe me some money btw' and SS said 'yeah l know l'll pay you some back when l get paid on 15th' 15th came and went - no mention. But SS did come round specially to get his Christmas present (we had gone away but he asked especially to have them left somewhere for him so he wouldnt have to wait till we came back ) - £50 worth of vouchers for a computer chain. Disclaimers - he too can drive and has good well paid job and no family etc to support.

Is it me or would you if your son owed you over £150 give him £50 for Christmas or just write off part of the debt? That's what l did last year when my son was buying my car off me - l just sent him a card and wrote off two £50 repayments for his birthday and then for Xmas. He was happy with that and wouldnt have taken money off me when he owed me money.

I just feel like we cant have anything - DH bought me a quite expensive piece of jewellry for Xmas and told me to say to his family that he'd saved up for it (WTAF?) It's like he doesnt want them to know mean daddy has some money and he's not sharing it with us - boo-hoo. We recently bought a few new kitchen appliances and SS1 commented - have you two won the lottery or something ?? I feel we cant have a joint bank account because l would go apeshit if he drew some out to 'lend' SS2. We were recently going to buy a carpet shampooer/vacuum but l 'changed my mind' after SS1 had already booked it before even bought.

Sorry am just rambling now and l dont hold out much hope for changing my DHs What's mine is theirs' attitude or their entitled attitude so dont know what any of you can suggest really.

sudaname Sun 30-Dec-12 13:11:24

bump sad somebody must have a suggestion - l feel like l live in a commune sometimes.

sudaname Sun 30-Dec-12 13:12:52

Sudaname l think the only solution is to emigrate.

HTH.

grin

I personally don't see the issue with the tool borrowing. My dad is also a builder and if need anything for doing up the house or repairs i ask him.

I owe my dad money yet he still gave me some for Xmas.

badguider Sun 30-Dec-12 13:15:59

tbh i think the b&q thing is fine, i still borrow baking stuff from my mum and ask her about baking and stuff even though i can go go lakeland myself or look online but i think about baking and i think fondly of my mum and it's a wee bonding thing even just to drop in for a particular size of cake tin even if i don't stay to chat..

but the money is another issue, your dh can be as generous as he wants to but asking you to lie about the present to you is out of order i'd say - it's fine for him to care for and be generous to his dc but he should be making it clear to them that he also cares for and wants to be generous to you as his partner. if i were you i'd takle that point only (how he treats you and tells them he treats you) and not worry about how he treats his dc.

sudaname Sun 30-Dec-12 14:05:52

But SP it's really more the fact he never ever brings it back so whenever l want to do anything or in the unlikely event DH (you know what some of these builders are like at home !) wants to do a job he or l are always missing something we need cos it's always something that's gone to SSs house. It is incredibly frustrating. l mean one time l cleaned out the garage and went to sweep up and and yeah youve guessed it the bloody sweeping brush had even been 'borrowed' because we had the audacity to have two - one for kitchen, one for garage or outside use. So off we'll trot to buy another screwdriver,wallpaper scraper, new paintbrushes whatever rather than him ask for it back. l know it sounds like l am being petty but l feel l just cant build up a household iykwim. Surely everybody should have their own basic tools in their own house.
I can not even imagine or wouldnt dream of driving past a diy shop as in OP to 'borrow' a 3amp fuse or some stanley knife blades (last weeks visit) ffs.
I dont mind at all DH doing jobs for his son - of course not - when your dad has a skill like that l wouldnt expect him to look in Yellow Pages for a builder.
Neither would l expect him to pay to hire an industrial sander for example when his dad has one.

Also badguider l know what you mean about the bonding thing but as l say he doesnt stop and he never returns things - he just gets what he needs and goes. I might be wrong but am sure you return your mums baking tins at some point even if you forget until she needs them again or even has to ask for them. Also l dont think constantly lending money to someone and them constantly renaging on paying it back and letting them off is being generous. It impacts on our household finances and limits our ability to run them as a couple. l have even suggested to DH that we have a joint bank account for extras etc and when his son or mine want to borrow money we lend it to them out of that account only (my son does borrow occasionally but very good at paying back) and then l can 'remind' his son if he doesnt repay. DH wont hear of it - it's like he is scared of offending either of them by asking for anything back. Sick of the pussyfooting around tbh.

I have a tool kit and some ladders at mine that are my dads. Been here nearly a year grin i also have Allan keys that belong to my step dad so its just my dad I ask grin

My dad lies to his girlfriend about lending me money. She doesn't agree with it as in not biologically his. She can go fuck her self tbh. The lying annoys me and i understand why it would bother you

PuggyMum Sun 30-Dec-12 14:17:48

Hmmm. I don't think think either money or the lending off items should wind you up as much as they seem to.

We've got tools that belong to pil at our house and there's always money being owed for birthdays etc between DH and his dad / brother. I don't get involved at all.

I do agree that asking you to lie about your gift is a bit off but why should you need to say anything at all? It was a gift to you and how your DH paid for it is his business.

My advice is leave them to it. In the scheme of family annoyances, I wouldn't let this kind of thing rock the boat.

Its not just*

Oh and my dad wouldn't go buy more. He would come collect them from mine if he needs them. Think he is using my house has storage tbh grin

sudaname Sun 30-Dec-12 14:22:48

Badguider sorry - meant to say thanks for very good words re: DH feeling he has to hide any generosity to me from his sons. I am going to memorise them and say them to DH at the appropriate moment. smile I have been struggling to put it into words how to broach this with DH.

RubyrooUK Sun 30-Dec-12 14:27:38

Sorry, think borrowing stuff is part of being in a family. I'd definitely borrow stuff like that if my dad was a builder. If I forgot to bring it back, I'd expect my dad to pop round rather than buy a new set.

As for the money, well, it is annoying if sums aren't paid back.

My mum and stepdad have an account each and a joint one. The joint one pays their household bills or covers their joint purchases and they contribute the same amount each month to it. The individual ones they do use sometimes to buy their kids things or lend money. None of the joint money is used for this and if either of them want to use their own earned money for their children, the other one is fine with that. Couldn't you try that?

sudaname Sun 30-Dec-12 14:42:48

SPs grin @ storage. l think that's one of things that winds me up - the fact that DH pussyfoots around them both so much to the point where he cant even say to them 'Ere, have you still got my plane/battery charger/whatever son cos l need it' Or when his other son who basically just lives beyond his means safe in the knowledge he can always fall back on his dad - asks for yet another 'loan' why cant he just say to him 'Yes, but l want it paying back this time - youve still not paid me back the last six lots lot'. Or even some jokey remark to draw attention to his previous 'defaults'.

I guess it's DH l should be just as annoyed at really for enabling their piss taking forgetfulness.

SP l bet you do genuinely borrow it though and not just take it with no intention of paying it back. Thinking of it what you think of your dads girlfriend is probably what my SSs think about me in all this grin
.

I very much doubt they think of you the way i think of her. Just because Im not bologically his she thinks even though he adopted me he shouldn't bother with me. Fucking loon she is grin

sudaname Sun 30-Dec-12 15:04:36

Yes Rooby we already have a joint account but it's for bills etc. I would love to have a joint account with both paying money for extras in as l say but then it would cause problems as then l would resent money going on a one way trip to my SS out of it - but on the upside as l've said l then would feel more entitled to remind him that he owed that money as he would then owe it to both of us.

TBH l get the impression most people on here wont agree with me but l feel that as his wife it is my business now whether from joint acct or not and does affect me financially and in other ways and i often feel like just saying to DSS 'Stop keep borrowing money off your dad and not paying it back you little shit'. There has been times when he has hit him for a lot of money (car fines etc- to avoid bailiffs taking his car on one occasion) and l know for a fact (though could never prove it) that DH has cancelled a weekend away or a purchase we were about to make he has suddenly 'changed his mind ' about and l know full well the real reason is the earmarked money has been 'loaned' out. He will always say - no its not that i- l was going to pay for that weekend/purchase/whatever out of some other money. But the timing is so obvious.

Dinosaurhunter Sun 30-Dec-12 15:09:39

Op I understand what you mean but I think your maybe over reacting about the tool borrowing , my dad always borrows things off my dh but never gives them back !
In terms of the money I'm a step parent to a 19 ds . He recently borrowed £400 off us until pay day but never paid it back , never even mentioned it or said sorry , so Xmas day he had a shock when he had no presents and we said lets call it quits with the money . However after the shock had worn off he was fine and seemed pleased tO not have to pay it back ( he still got lots of things from family , mums side , step dads side etc ...
I think the key here is that you and your dp work together .

Arisbottle Sun 30-Dec-12 15:12:30

Families borrow things .

I would hate to think that my stepson was facing bailiffs and we refused to help so we could have a dirty weekend away .

sudaname Sun 30-Dec-12 15:17:50

SP Ahh - thanks, that's the nicest thing anyones ever said to me hmm

grin

I understand your last post now - it did confuse me a little when you said not biologically 'his' when you mentioned you had a stepdad aswell l thought you meant his girlfriend.
[easily confused]

Now she sounds the sort who gives us stepmums their bad name. I would never ever try and stop my DH from seeing or having a relationship with his two sons. l just wish everytime they visited they didnt have to want something and always walk out the door with goods or a wad of money in their pocket angry

Thats another aspect that's upset me lately. DH is such a lovely lovely man and l know its par for the course to take advantage of your parents etc but one of them in particuliar never ever comes to just see his dad or wont go for a drink with him - which l know upsets DH greatly as his dad died when he was a teenager so he never got chance - but just uses him - only comes when he wants something , no 'social' calls or visits ever.

I have a bio dad, my dad who adopted me when he was with my mum and now a step dad my mum is with. It is confusing tbh grin

my dad will only lend me money if i really need it. Never lends me more then necessary. I don't ask him often. Only twice in the past 3\4 year.

i understand it bothering you if they are just intouch when they want something.

sudaname Sun 30-Dec-12 15:42:15

Dinosaur - yes about the tool borrowing - l think l have now realised that it's as much DHs fault for feeling he cant 'offend' by asking for things back as it is my DSS1s fault for not bringing them back. lm presuming obviously if your DH asked he would get them back and probably my DH would too - so lhave distributed my annoyance a little bit on that one now.

As for the money that's exactly what l suggested DH do this year and as stated in OP thats what l have done with my son in the past and he was fine with it - but DH once again was worried about upsetting his little darling so wouldnt be 'that mean' to quote him.

Arisbottle Nah - l'd have let them take his car. He had plenty of warnings and broken payment arrangements and told plenty of lies to his dad about being on top of it etc despite the stream of debt collector letters coming through the door which despite our nagging to deal with we later found in a pile unopened in his bedroom (he lived with us at time). He also lied to us about two court appearances he chose to ignore about this unpaid fine and first we knew was when bailiffs rolled up at door to take the car (his dad bought him btw).

Sorry but l'd have let him stand at bus stop in wind and rain to 'reflect' for a year or so while he saved up to pay it off/ buy another car and how undeserving he was of being bought something that valuable in the first place to allow it to crushed/sold at auction whatever they do with them.

Arisbottle Sun 30-Dec-12 15:46:27

I would want to try and help him maintain as good a credit rating as possible. So I may pay for the car but then keep it until he has paid me back.

sudaname Sun 30-Dec-12 15:58:55

Oh no, not a bit of it - DH just paid it - think it was about £800 - escalated from a riduculously small amount and SS just could jump back in it and go out in it an hour later as if nothing had happened. He then went on to run up more escalated parking/speeding/driving without insurance fines and penalties over the following months again as if nothing had happened. You see l think the only favour DH can do him is to remove himself as a crutch. DH unfortunately thinks the only way is to keep bailing him out. I dont think he will ever learn to live within his means or avoid getting into debt or unnecessarily escalated debt while he's always got 'Daddys overdraft' to fall back on

onedev Sun 30-Dec-12 16:28:18

I think the problem sounds like its with your DH, not your stepchildren, sorry. If he's lying to you & lying to them, he doesn't sound too great tbh.

Borrowing stuff happens all the time in families I know & like others have said, we don't buy new but go & pick up the stuff or ask for it to be dropped round.

It sounds like he feels guilty or is trying to make amends for something, hence why he's so worried about upsetting them. I really think you should be directing your feelings to him, not them. Sorry, hope things get better.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 30-Dec-12 16:31:32

So it really is your DP you are mad at, not your SDC? wink

Your DSC don't know any different - they've been brought up knowing that part of life is that Daddy will bail them out when they need it - so why on earth would you expect anything more of them?

Your DP, on the other hand, has a choice every time he hands money over, or replaces yet another item that has been "borrowed".

I don't think they will ever change until he does - your DSC are now adults with independent lives and income, and part of their life is having Daddy as a safety net. My exH has lived his life in the same way - and he is still living the same lifestyle now he's in his 40's. Debts/loans are written off a "christmas presents", house deposits are paid and holidays subsidised. It was one of the reasons we split - I wanted to live our lives financially independent from them, but he didn't see why we needed to, and spent his way into debt in the secure knowledge that his parents would bail us out. I hated it.

Your DP is not doing them any favours at all. One day, he won't be able to bail them out - especially if he sacrifices his life with you in order to do so.

Are you the same poster whose ss wanted to come round for a bath with his kids when you were just about to go on your Sunday drive?

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