DH has never apologised - insurmountable problem?

[OnMyOwnAgain]

In many many years I don´t think my DH has ever apologised when an apology was definitely in order. Last Saturday he behaved really badly and we have not spoken since or at least not beyond basic civilities for the children´s sake. At the time he denied doing anything wrong (blatantly untrue) and would not acknowledge there had even been a problem.

I just don´t know what to do, this can not go on forever and this time I´m just not backing down. I haven´t done anything wrong.

What can I do? On the whole he is a pretty good husband and father but this just pisses me off so much, never apologising and never admitting he is wrong about something.

[jools37]

Some men are just stubborn! Women can't usually be bothered to stick it out with a bad atmosphere long enough to get them to back down.

If it is really pissing you off, don't back down so he knows he has gone too far this time. It might give him the shock he needs.

[lilacpink]

I've spoken to many friends on this very same topic. Our husbands never apologise either. I have found that by getting my DH to agree that the next time he'll do 'x,y or z' (basically act like an adult), he accepts his guilt lack of consideration and we move forward. How much does it matter that he apologises, and how much does it matter that he acts differently the next time? I'd go for the latter (but both would be great!).

[lilacpink]

Should have added, I've been with DH for 13 years and from teenager to man despite my best efforts he is stubborn and would rather say 'I agree' rather than 'I'm sorry'. So I turn a conversation around to get an agreement wherever possible!

[OnMyOwnAgain]

Thanks for your responses.. Maybe it wouild be enough to get him to agree he will behave differently in the same circumstances next time.. but I´m not prepared to initiate a discussion.

Lilac, I´m a bit surprised this situation actually seems quite common, do you think I´m over-reacting?

[2rebecca]

If he isn't sorry then an apology is meaningless. You can force someone to apologise but if he really believes he has nothing to apologise for then it's just hollow words.
It sounds as though you have different ideas of what is offensive.
There are very few things that I would demand an apology from my husband for, not sure if he's particularly thoughtful or I'm particularly thick skinned, probably a combination of both.

[AnyFucker]

well, what did he do ?

[lilacpink]

I think women and men just communicate in different ways. For example, in a group of women, if one friend is upset we notice and ask questions and then listen. Saying "I'm sorry", or "I'm sorry to hear that" is common. Men tend to want to hear the problem and solve it. Very generalistic I know! You may be waiting for your DH to apologise, while he doesn't have a clue that you're waiting for this?

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Have to chip in and agree - XH had a complete and utter belief that he was right about everything. Sorry was not a word in his vocabulary.

[choosyfloosy]

Is it possible that he really doesn't think he's in the wrong?

You are feeling angry/upset by what happened, and he can't really deny that as it isn't a question of fact. Are you saying to him that 'I felt X at the weekend when Y happened' or 'You did X at the weekend and that was wrong?'

[ABetaDad]

2rebecca - you hit the nail on the head.

Often women demand an apology for something that a man has done which he just does not think is something he should apologise for.

Guilty as charged.

[OnMyOwnAgain]

Thanks for your responses.. dh came home in a stinking bad mood on Friday night, was foul to the (little) children in the morning and verbally aggressive in a public place towards me. All completely out of character I have to say. I told him a week ago now I wasn´t prepared to tolerate that kind of behaviour and he owed me an apology. We haven´t discussed it since. I think the onus is on him to bring it up, I´m fed up of ALWAYS being the one "big enough" to do this every time.

[UnquietDad]

lilacpink is absolutely right, in general, about the different approaches to problems. Neither way is necessarily better - they're just different.

DW was having a horrendous time with a woman at work a few years ago. By the end of hearing all about it, I just wanted to go and see this dreadful screeching selfish bullying harpie colleague of hers and give her a stern talking to and tell her to leave my wife alone. I didn't, of course, but this was a typical male response - Problem -> Solution. What DW needed really was someone to talk to and unload to.

[OnMyOwnAgain]

Unquietdad, what do you think I should do?

[UnquietDad]

I think other people's advice on here is sound. Decide whether the apology is the important thing (even if insincere) or the moving on and agreeing things will be different next time.

[ABetaDad]

OnMyOwnAgain - now you have said what the ause of all this was the solution is a bit easier to see.

As I understand it he was in a bad mood when he came home on Fridy after a hard day and it boiled over he ended up shouting a you and the children.

You were upset and want him to apologise for shouting. However, what he feels is that you are asking him to apologise for feeling angry about the thing that happened at work and he does not see why he should. In a sense you are both right but he is up on a ledge feeling guilty that he hurt you and DCs but not knowing how to get down.

I suggest you take him aside and say you think he had a bad day at work on Friday and ask him to tell you about it. Glass of wne in hand might help. Then when he has told you, tell him that you would like him to talk about things in future if he is stressed at work and not to shout at you and DCs. Also tell him why you wanted an apology and that it is OK to be angry about the thing at work but not to shut at you and DCS again.

I am sure he will in his own way apologise after that.

[2rebecca]

Agree with abetadad. Him shouting at you shouldn't be seen by any of the family as OK. The important thing is not to have arguments about apologies but to look at why it happened and how you avoid it happening again.
He may decide to apologise once you have discussed it calmly.

[OnMyOwnAgain]

Thank you all for your input.

First of all the incident wasn´t triggered by work, dh had actually been out with the boys, nothing to do with work!

Yes, it is a bit of a power struggle now. So far I have always backed down and initiated a reconciliation. dh has never ever acknowledged that he has ever been in the wrong about anything (even obviously disproven facts but he´s brighter than me so is not often in the wrong..) and I´m just fed up of it. So this time is about all of the other times I suppose, I´ve just been pushed too far. Ìn the last 8 days he has never referred to our dispute once. If anything he tends towards pretending nothing is wrong!

Do you have any other thoughts?

Thanks for "listening".

[FabHasHadHerSurprise]

Have you cooked his dinner and slept with him since then?

[OnMyOwnAgain]

Cooked his dinner only as we always eat together with the kids.

Haven´t so much as touched him since last week..

[FabHasHadHerSurprise]

What is your plan? Are you both going to be stubborn until one of your cracks? It really isn't fair on the kids.

[OnMyOwnAgain]

No plan : ( Except not planning to crack this time.

The kids haven´t noticed anything, don´t know if they would.

I need some kind of win-win plan really.

[skidoodle]

Being a man is not an excuse for never admitting you're wrong in years of marriage.

I think this is a really important issue to address and resolve - I really don't see how a relationship can survive in the long term if one person always has to fix everything by backing down while the other gets to always be right.

Admitting you are wrong and making amends for it is one of the ways we show love for one another. It takes a bigger person to admit their faults and say sorry than to wait always for someone else to fix things. I learnt this from my (typical male) dad, so I just don't buy it as a female thing. A good man knows and admits when he is wrong.

I would be asking for counselling to deal with this before it kills your marriage.

[thumbwitch]

I would think he wouldn't have seen it as a big issue and has "forgotten" about it by now. He probably thinks you are just in a filthy mood for some unknown reason and can't be bothered to find out what it is.

This isn't a very healthy state of affairs, whether your DC have noticed or not - you need to bring it up but not necessarily in a conciliatory fashion, as you have done nothing wrong.

If it were me, I think I would offer it to him as a hypothetical scenario - this happened to X, what do you think? See what his response is - if he thinks it is ok, then explain why it really ISN'T ok to be treated like that and how YOU wouldn't put up with it. If he thinks it isn't ok, then tell him that it wasn't ok when he did it either and that you are not prepared to put up with it.

You might be out of luck with the apology though - some people just can't bear to feel guilty and apologising makes them feel guilty.

[FabHasHadHerSurprise]

Or why not just say -

I am upset about x, I feel I am owed an apology and have had enough of never getting one. Then look at him, waiting.