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Original poster

Trusting on nights out after affair

38 replies

Primrosedot · 05/02/2020 23:16

My DH cheated on me this time last year which we are trying to move forward from.
Last night he went for some drinks after work. He mentioned to me they would be going to the pub after a meeting, I asked if he wanted dinner, he said yes- he’ll be leaving pub at 7. It gets to after 8pm so I text him to ask if he’s on the train so (if so I’ll start dinner), he replies sorry he’s still in pub leaving soon. Ok fine, I have dinner get on with my evening. I then call him at 9:30ish, he’s slurring and saying he’s coming home after finishing his drink. Anyway he eventually is home about 11:30. I don’t have a problem with him going out for drinks ( to be honest it’s hard but I don’t want to waste my life policing what he does!) but why does he not just send a text let me know he’s going to be late in the first place. This all brings up horrible memories of the lies and rubbish he told me this time last year. I feel really stupid but all I would have needed was a quick text to say out late see you later. Is that not normal? If I was out for a quick drink that turned into a 5 hour session I’d definitely let him know. Maybe I need to not care so much. Perhaps I’m just paranoid?

OP posts:
theneighbourswindchime · 05/02/2020 23:23

You're not paranoid, you're recovering from betrayal so your senses are heightened.

Try and come up with a plan that protects your heart in these events.
Like, if he's going out for a drink, don't plan on eating together, as you know one drink will lead to two when he's out etc.

Don't set yourself up to feel disappointed, instead, you'll be pleasantly surprised if he comes home early, and unsurprised if he doesn't.

These evenings out will either build trust or show you how you truly feel.

If you realise you aren't able to let him out without worrying, then something needs to change, and that might be the relationship.

Original poster
Primrosedot · 05/02/2020 23:26

Yes good idea. Perhaps I’m making more of it because of everything it stirs up. I would just always let him know if I was going to be home late, I can’t understand why it’s so difficult for him to do that. Especially as he knows how I’ll be feeling

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 05/02/2020 23:26

Part of rebuilding trust is him being accountable, predictable and reliable. He failed in this last night. There's nothing you need to do but ask him how he intends to improve the marriage if he can't mean what he says and stick to it.

Original poster
Primrosedot · 05/02/2020 23:30

I’m getting tired of going round in circles with the same issues now. I’m going to have to just accept this is how I’ll probably always feel

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 05/02/2020 23:33

The problem is that he hasn't changed a pattern of behaviour associated with his infidelity.

The question is: how committed is he really to fixing this?

Friendsofmine · 05/02/2020 23:34

You will if he continues to let you down yep. The truth is if he really cared about you, he would have read all about how to help a spouse heal after an affair, sought counselling and come home when he said last night, because he would have learned how much he hurt you, why and what it takes to help you suffer less. He doesn't care about your healing. You are alone in your marriage (still!).

PicsInRed · 05/02/2020 23:36

Staying in the marriage and feeling defeated by his indifference is not your only option. You also have the option to end the marriage. That is a very real and valid option - particularly where the cheater makes no genuine attempts to change their behaviour and reassure the victim.

Original poster
Primrosedot · 05/02/2020 23:36

He would say he’s 100% committed and trying his best but I think I need more than he can give

OP posts:
Original poster
Primrosedot · 05/02/2020 23:37

I just feel such an idiot to let this upset me so much still

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 05/02/2020 23:39

Bloody hell woman, shake yourself. You're not the idiot !

If he was trying his best he wouldn't keep hurting you and breaking promises. What precisely is he trying 100%?! Counselling ? Reading books on your experience?

Newnamewhodis1 · 05/02/2020 23:42

You're not an idiot. There's very good advice above. Take heed. I think though that you have to think that if he's going to cheat again he will. It's not on you to stop it, it's on him. Staying out later than anticipated for work drinks is something I would do! And I wouldn't cheat. Don't conflate the two (staying out later and cheating). They are not the same thing. And it's unreasonable to say he can't have an unexpected fun night out because he's cheated. I understand why you feel like this, but there is nothing you can do in relation to it potentially happening again. If you've decided to make it work just go with it. See what happens

PicsInRed · 05/02/2020 23:43

He's not 100% committed, forget his best, he's not trying full stop. He's a cheater who is out boozing in the immediate aftermath of his affair. Lovely, with kindness, he couldn't give a shit about you. You need to start to give a shit about yourself. Forget him and think about YOU.

YellowJellyfish · 05/02/2020 23:46

a quick drink that turned into a 5 hour session

Oh yeah he's really building that trust back up, isn't he? What a catch!!!

Sweety he isn't committed. You will never be able to trust him again. Do you want to live the rest of your life like that. :(

Astrophyllite · 05/02/2020 23:51

I’m going to have to just accept this is how I’ll probably always feel

Yep, from someone who's been there, if you choose to stay and "get past it" this will be the new normal.
You never actually get past it fully or forget, it will always be a concern and in the back of your mind. You will always wonder what he's actually doing in nights out, working back, away for work, etc... It will never go away. It's just the way it will be.

Friendsofmine · 05/02/2020 23:54

He can't have an unexpected night out around the first anniversary of his cheating. Nights out are off until the pain in his spouse's heart is healing and they have agreed it as part of him having already earnt trust back. Once you cheat, the rules of what is OK become about healing not control. The point is he wouldn't want to put you through it if he cared about you.

Original poster
Primrosedot · 05/02/2020 23:57

He’s had quite a few night out since the affair. I know it’s unreasonable to expect him not to. It’s the not bothering to send a quick text I find upsetting the most. I think he enjoys it in a way to have me at home worries about what he’s up to. It’s just a joke for him, I feel like a fking joke

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 06/02/2020 00:03

I'm off to bed love but I seriously hope you are having couple's counselling. It is absolutely unreasonable to have nights out when the relationship has been violated by cheating and the trust has not been earnt back.

You have this all backward. I bet he's not on forums asking "how can I help heal my wife's post affair trauma?"

Friendsofmine · 06/02/2020 00:04

PS. Get yourself some support if you don't have it.

Best of luck

user1471464702 · 06/02/2020 00:13

Hey be kind to yourself and perhaps start doing more Things you enjoy so you are not always the one waiting for his return - as people said try to relax when he is out but also decide if you can really live with these feelings long term and his lack of kindness and sincerity in moving forward part of this is changing behaviour which he doesn’t seem to have taken on board - be kind to yourself

kcw1986 · 06/02/2020 00:20

He’s sounds like a complete bellend get rid

Loveablers · 06/02/2020 00:53

Thing is OP it’s not that he can’t give you the effort and reliability you’re expecting. It’s that he’s just choosing not to give it

If you truly want this marriage to work I think you’re gunna have to tell him you need 100% or you’re done. Tell him what you want, what you expect etc. If he wants the marriage to work then he’ll follow through with his promises. Asking for a text isn’t asking for the world, there’s no excuse.

Have you had marriage counselling?

Flowers hope you’re okay

pallisers · 06/02/2020 01:29

to be honest it’s hard but I don’t want to waste my life policing what he does!

This struck me. The reality is if you continue as you are then you ARE going to waste your life policing what he does. He doesn't really give a shit - does he? He knows how you must feel after he had sex with another woman but he doesn't care enough to be home early or even text.

I've been crude because that is the crude truth. he had sex with someone else, he got caught, he sees no reason to change anything about his life or socialising.

come on OP.

Lots of fish in the sea. Lots of ways of living. Lots of them are better than worrying about infidelity every time your partner goes out.

You say "we are trying to move forward from" but the reality is that only you are trying to move forward from his infidelity - he is doing just what he always did.

Ava90 · 06/02/2020 01:56

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Sadiesnakes · 06/02/2020 02:26

It's the same old story op, man cheats on his wife, begs for forgiveness and another chance and then actually cba to actually mend any of the damage he's caused and wife ends up feeling guilty for "being unreasonable".

Yes op, there's a huge chance you will always feel like this,,, unless you left.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2020 02:37

It's perfectly possible not to go and get drunk when you said you'd be home for dinner. I manage it all the time. He doesn't want to.

So you can put up with it and hope he doesn't cheat again (he will) or leave.