Help me to see the positives

[MerryRealisation]

So please can people help me to see the positives of my DH/marriage as I'm stuck in a negative hole.
I feel that perhaps I'm just taking the good things for granted and not realising them. But then I can't really list any things that make me happy or am I just not seeing them.
Should it be that hard to think of good things. All I can focus on is the crap. But then I'm not sure if he crap is really crap or stuff everyone goes through and I'm being a difficult woman (which is how I feel).
A bit of background -
Been together 20 years since we were 17, married 5, 2 DC (6 & 4). Have a really lovely house in a lovely location. On the surface i have a lovely life. So why don't I feel lovely inside?

[stumblymonkey]

Do you just feel like this about your DH/marriage or other things too?

[MerryRealisation]

Sadly just my relationship. Everything else is great! I really enjoy work, friends, house, kids etc. Which puts the relationship issue into stark contrast.

[RandomMess]

What do you see as the negatives?

[stumblymonkey]

Maybe if you could give us an idea of what you see as the negatives we could try to give an objective view of whether it's 'normal relationship stuff' or something else?

[MerryRealisation]

Taken for granted, not loved, not cared about, never put first (ever), we argue, I now jump to the worst thoughts in my head and 50% I'm right.
It's little things too, like I have to sodding ask every dinner time for a drink. I do the planning, prep and cooking. Is it too much to ask? Or is that me being unreasonable?
We now sleep in separate beds as he wont go to the GP to talk about the relentless snoring.
I get disappointed when he's home early from work.
I could go on and on. But am I just focusing on the negatives? Am I letting those cloud view??

[MerryRealisation]

Am I expecting too much??

[MerryRealisation]

And the bit that really hurts is when we have a big argument and he knows he's hurt my feelings (as I normally end up in tears - I'm not proud of that fact) he never hugs me or touches me which he knows would help me. He waits to I reach absolute breaking point and give up. Then he might hug me but never for long. He says sorry now but there is no meaning in it and he only says it because he learnt to.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

What if you were expecting too much? If we said you were, would you then become happy? Does it actually matter what is normal for everyone else?

You aren't getting what you need from the relationship. That's all that matters.

I would feel the same as you in the situation you describe.

[stumblymonkey]

Does he pull his weight around the house/DC?

Is he affectionate?

Does he ever treat you (may be with material things or something not material like running a bath)?

Does he tell you he loves you?

Does he support you in any way?


And I suppose....do you do these things for him?
How are you with each other day to day?

[RandomMess]

Sounds like a very lonely relationship

[MerryRealisation]

Rabbit - I'm just not sure what is right anymore. Perhaps if I realised it was me in the wrong I could do something about it. Because I am made to feel it's all me.

Monkey - he will do stuff if I ask but at about 50% of doing it well. I know we all do things differently and I really don't care as long as it gets done well.

He has to pick up DC once a week from after school club which is the biggest issue ever! He tells me he works in an industry where taking responsibility childcare is frowned upon. Utter crap!
He never initiates anything with them. I do everything to do with bringing them up. I think. Do I just not notice??

Affectionate - no. He hugs me perhaps once a week for less than 60 seconds. He never tells me he loves me.

Treat me - not really. He did actually buy flowers today but I suspect that was to do with my DD. For instance, Every night after I do bedtime I make a cup of tea. Not once has he done this for me.

Anything he does I have to ask. And j don't because I'm fed up of asking.

Support me - he lets me lead the life I want. He doesn't complain about any of that tbf.

Ha, a classic example! So we are all sat down and DC ask to see Santa on the iPad. He asks them to get the iPad and then says 'give it to mummy to find it'. He doesn't know I'm not doing something important (as I do work stuff on my phone) and why can't he sort it out. The automatic response is 'mummy will do it'

I have reached a stage where I don't try anymore. I don't give any affection out as what's the point?

[MerryRealisation]

Yes Random, it is.

But I can't see what normal is. My parents had a crap relationship and so did DHs. My mother I suspect is a narcissist and we are NC. My father is considerably older and lives 200 miles away although he does his best to support me it isn't an overly close relationship but we are working on it.

[RandomMess]

Honestly my marriage became very lonely, I made plans to leave. A week after I told DH he had an epiphany and changed massively. It's not easy or perfect but so much better then it was before.

You have to decide whether you can truly be happy "enough" whilst staying in a marriage like that. He is treating you like the unpaid help... I wouldn't tolerate that or accept my DC thinking it was normal. Our issue was an emotional intimacy the loneliness literally neatly killed me was on verge of a breakdown.

[MerryRealisation]

My worry is the DC. I want them to see a healthy relationship. I don't think this is. But I hated my mum for having the affair she did and how she was (but perhaps that more to do with her narcissism). Having said that her new bloke actually gave me a great upbringing between 11 and 18 when I left home. He's just totally under her power now and so I don't see him either. He was very kind and caring to me. Perhaps the most kind and caring in my childhood except my nan who passed away when I was 12.

[MerryRealisation]

Until very recently I did think I could be happy enough but this last month has shown me that perhaps I can't.
I recently met some people go have shown I am a caring, worthy person.

[RandomMess]

I would find yourself a good therapist to work through what you need and want, then think about if staying could work for you, are there some changes he could make that would enough - he may or may not want or be able to change.

[MerryRealisation]

You're the third person to suggest therapy and that's why I wonder if it's me??

I have looked at counselling but I'm so confused by the sheer array out there I'm not sure what I need.

[stumblymonkey]

Have you had any discussions with him about it at all?

TBH your marriage does sound lonely, it doesn't sound as though you work as a team and O would struggle with the lack of effort/affection so I don't think that it's you expecting too much from what you've said.

[MerryRealisation]

He doesn't want to listen to any discussions about it. I have tried. In different ways. Lots of times.

We don't work as a team. I look after everything and he goes to work and comes home. In the short space of time he's home he makes my life a little harder.

I know he finds his job very stressful and I've been very lenient over it. But I'm not sure I can carry on being lenient as that's the status quo now.

[RandomMess]

It's easy for me to read that and say it's awful leave. Seeing a Therapist (not counselor) is about helping you unpick why you've stayed so long and to help you find your voice.

[sandragreen]

This sounds like a miserable existence for you. I agree with Random and hope you can get some help to give you the strength to decide what would be best for you to do next.

[MerryRealisation]

Well it's nice to have my thoughts confirmed BUT it's not nice seeing it written down

What's the difference between a therapist and a counsellor??

I think i know what I need to do but it's very scary. And I feel I'm admitting 20 years have been a waste. Excepting my DC that is.

[MerryRealisation]

And ironically he's been the nicest to me this afternoon in a long long while. I haven't said a thing but perhaps he senses something - that would be a first!
Can't believe it will last long as we have the battle of whose driving tomorrow and Boxing Day. That will be me and me then!

[peppatax]

20 years is not a waste but you don't want the next 20 to be. My XH was the same. I left, he was shocked. We're now on friendly terms and coparent well. It was never going to get resolved long term, we were just on different pages. He didn't think he had to be affectionate or tell me he loved me. He said I should know

[RandomMess]

Difference is qualifications and what they try to help you with. Look at BCAP.

Sounds like he is being nice to get what he wants. Have you read "wifework"?