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Being me. A goal. The good the bad and the ugly.

(64 Posts)
WoodenTrees Wed 27-Jul-16 10:36:14

This is long. I apologise. However, it's more for my benefit than that of anybody else. I want to be able to look back and tick things off. I have posted regularly under another name, but suspect that name may be monitored so if you recognise, please don't allude to the other name. Thank you.
I have been emotionally abused for many, many years. At the moment, and it's taken time; an exit plan is in place. It's not the exit plan I want (the ugly bit is I want my house to be left in a decent state and it won't be, I want some things that are mine, they will be deliberately destroyed or removed) I am learning to live with this. My sanity is more important.
He has been arrested and cautioned and goodness, and foolishly we let him come home. I paid for that big time, he somehow managed to be the victim in all of this. It was absolute torture for him (his words)! Me, I just quietly posted here, until one or two folk, quite understandably, said enough, do something for the sake of dds, I got worried and stopped posting because I couldn't tell if I was pissing people off! Dds do not want to move, but don't want to be left with him and have asked me to wait until they go off in September to uni. Fair enough. They each have disabilities that make life harder for them than your average teen.
Some days I feel as though I'm barely hanging onto my sanity. I know now that most of what he's told me about his past is a lie. I know that he believes the things he said did happen, equally, I know they didn't. I know how he messes with my head and the more I think about it the worse I get. There are things that have happened that occasionally I get a picture of in my head and I have to box it up immediately because I know, should I follow it, I will go under. (Just out of interest, can anyone tell me, is this what's called a 'flashback')? That's one of the worst bits. I can picture what was going on in every single detail. I have denied this to everybody, including myself for so many years.
I have been bullied, nagged, harassed and hassled for stuff over the years, I have given in. I do everything, I mean he will sometimes do the dishwasher three days in a row, meaning of course that he's been doing it forever! I still have to be grateful for jobs he did ten years ago. He has cooked maybe 30 meals in over 20 years. He doesn't know how to use the washing machine, cooker, tumble dryer, iron. He's never done a school run because he doesn't do mornings. I have lain in a hospital bed and heard him screaming at my daughters about what lazy cunts they are on the other end of the phone. This he 'tidies up' if that makes sense, he just wanted them to tidy up for when I got home. However, it was 7.30 in the morning and they'd not got to bed until 4 because they were waiting to hear whether or not it was a heart attack.(it wasn't, funnily enough, it was stress) Beside the point, apparently. Things are always 'tidied up' to fit his narrative, although he claims that in my police statement I re-wrote history, changed the narrative.
I want to go, I will go. I will be me. Me is someone who used to be funny, and clever and had friends and choices. I think I was nice, I think I was quite witty, I know I was intelligent and read a lot. Oh to read a book without interruption, without being forced to analyse it. Oh to watch a television programme that isn't intellectual, yes, I liked to watch rubbish on occasion, that was me.
I'd like to be able to sing again, without criticism. I'd like to play an instrument again without someone having to be better than me. Or cleverer than me, or more erudite than I. I'd like to not be scared. I'd like to know that when everything is alright, it will remain so, not just last a couple of weeks. I'd like things not thrown back in my face years and years later. I would like not to be blamed for everything that has gone wrong in his life, but I'd also like not to be responsible for his happiness. Does that make sense, I've tried finishing it, that resulted in threats of suicide because he can't manage without me, and threats to me, me calling the police again and the police being bloody useless in that instance. I'd like to be me, sitting quietly, looking out on a garden with a good book and a glass of wine. I have never written so much about what I want. I'm sorry, the pictures were in my head and I needed to get them out. This seemed like a way of doing it.

TorchesTorches Wed 27-Jul-16 11:38:04

Good luck with your plans. You will be able to make that final image come true. Peace of mind is worth everything.

WoodenTrees Wed 27-Jul-16 17:14:44

Thank you.
I just walked into the garage to fetch something for him and saw my old sketch pad on the floor. That too was me.
Today, despite having a fairly serious and really quite painful injury, I have shopped, cleaned, tidied. I will do form filling that needs to be done later. I will also do the ironing.

Sqooobado453 Wed 27-Jul-16 18:33:47

Go go go go. You can do it. What an achievement it will be.

BusyHomemaker Wed 27-Jul-16 19:31:02

Good for you! You deserve to be you and if I may say so, you sound frickin amazing!

WontLetThoseRobotsDefeatMe Wed 27-Jul-16 19:37:20

You are amazing. You can do this.

Improvisingnow Wed 27-Jul-16 20:54:21

You're definitely right, once you have escaped your life will be infinitely better and you'll be free. It's called the other side for a reason!

I was married to my EA exH for over 20 years and he basically used and abused me all that time. I found out that he had had lots of affairs - I was just a handy womb and servant and he liked the money I earned. He resented me reading (he never read a book himself despite having a university education, hated me sitting down at all - the minute I did he would start moaning about some piece of housework that needed doing now (I did all the housework even though I worked full time too). Everything was about him and what he wanted all the time. I used to hide to get a bit of peace and quiet and I could hear him searching the house looking for me.

I've been on my own with the DC for 5 years now and I am never going to have another relationship. The sheer relief of having my own house, of eating meals when I want, of reading until midnight if I want to, of having the bed to myself and a million and one other similar things are inexpressible. And the headspace oh God yes!

Life alone is so wonderful I'm never giving it up!

WoodenTrees Wed 27-Jul-16 22:11:08

Improvising that sounds fabulous. If I read we have to deconstruct. He reads all the time, that's why he doesn't do mornings, or housework, or anything else. He needs to read and to play his instruments etc. He went to uni but didn't finish. My fault. Not worked out how. He went before I met him too, didn't finish, somebody else's fault. He is currently sulking because he asked to cuddle me and I said no. Now I feel guilty. But why should I? I shouldn't have called the police, it wasn't his fault, he was the victim, blah blah. My voice will never be heard above his noise, above his needs. I can't cuddle someone whom I know to have not the slightest bit of respect for me. I can't cuddle someone who gives me bad dreams. I know there is a bit of me left in there. It will out.

Cary2012 Wed 27-Jul-16 22:20:45

Nurture that little bit of you and it will grow. Keep strong, you can do this.

Timetogetup0630 Wed 27-Jul-16 22:27:41

You must go. You know what you want to do. You have a plan. Follow it though and the very best of luck to you as you become yourself again.
flowers

WoodenTrees Thu 28-Jul-16 14:15:09

Thank you. As I said I want to tick things off in my own head too. I do not want to spend every single morning wondering how he is going to be when he gets up. I don't want to spend the day ensuring the noise is kept to a minimum because he has chooses to go to bed at five a.m. and sleep away the day.That is the reason he has never done a school run, although he will cite his agorophobia and then get angry because I can get out and he can't. I can get out, schools/college, supermarket, doctor. the last film i saw at the cinema was the first hunger games with dd. I don't want to be wondering how he is going to make me pay for a perceived slight or misdemeanour (still waiting for something after yesterday). I know he will never say sorry. I know he will never forgive me, these things I accept. I do not want a head full of him and his needs. I'd like to take my time getting up, not rush around as quietly as possible for fear of waking someone at 7.30. Shower when I want to. Dress when I choose. Bring an early morning coffee back to bed and read for a bit. I'm sure these are normal things, aren't they?

adora1 Thu 28-Jul-16 14:28:21

You deserve all those things Wooden, just like anyone does, I think you have a good future now once you get away from that awful drain that's called a man.

Garbadgeman Thu 28-Jul-16 15:30:35

Your initial post made me want to cry and cheer in equal measure, cry for what you have endured and cheer for your determination to break free. I understand your need to do this the best way for your DC's, I wish it could be sooner but I see why it can't. Use this time, build your strength, get your ducks in a row so you're ready and hug that knowledge that you will soon be free close. It's vital that you don't let him know you are getting ready to leave, it's common for abuse to escalate in the period before leaving as the abuser feels their control slipping away. Play your cards close to your chest, delete your internet history and cover your tracks. We're all cheering you on, you can do this flowers

ShotsFired Thu 28-Jul-16 15:43:10

That vital spark you have? That is what will get you out of this existence and into the LIFE you so richly deserve.

Absolutely cheering you on from the sidelines here.

WoodenTrees Fri 29-Jul-16 07:00:46

Small acts of Rebellion:
I dared to giggle at the fact that the drill ran out of charge just before the last hole. He blamed dd, I defended her, that ended up in a diatribe about my crap parenting . Anyway, it meant he took over the sitting room and as we only have one television I couldn't watch it. He lies on the sofa, huffing and puffing and dozing and makes it difficult to ask so you end up not bothering. So, I went upstairs, had a shower and went to bed. With my iPad having got netflix on it. Never done that before. Thoroughly enjoyed catching up on a series he'd stopped us watching months back. grin

WoodenTrees Sun 31-Jul-16 21:59:46

Small acts of rebellion.
A shit weekend in which he has deliberately and aggressively pushed past me twice, not funny as I'm injured, woken me up at four a.m. again, shouted and thrown things, and childishly turned the taps on downstairs whilst I was in the shower. I am going to watch another series that we have been following. New episode came out last week but he wasn't in the mood. He made me wait a week the previous week. I am an adult and do not need permission to watch something and certainly don't have to wait until their mood improves. One less method of control.

ShotsFired Mon 01-Aug-16 11:57:39

Still cheering you on WoodenTrees

He doesn't even know the half of what you are capable of, in terms of strength and self-preservation alone.

WoodenTrees Mon 01-Aug-16 12:29:09

Thank you Shots. Will admit to be absolutely exhausted, particularly after last nights efforts at waking me: loud music at 1.30 a.m. I shall keep going though. I will be going out this evening, even if it's to doze off in a corner!

WoodenTrees Wed 03-Aug-16 09:35:39

So, despite an horrific weekend, loud music, rudeness, aggression, we are now behaving as though everything is normal. I find this one of the oddest things to deal with. It's as though nothing has happened. I also get lulled into a false sense of security. These are obviously the times when I question myself, maybe this time things really will improve. He is seemingly trying, but of course he isn't. The minute I answer back, stand up for myself or one of our children, that will be it.
Today I'm out for a good chunk of the day. I told him all about it yesterday but he denied all knowledge this morning. So, I went through it again, calmly and quietly. He appears fine about it. We shall see when I get home. I'm not changing my plans at all and am looking forward to my day.

ShotsFired Wed 03-Aug-16 09:50:57

Have a good day!

brew cake or wine as appropriate!

ConkerTriumphant Wed 03-Aug-16 10:46:55

It might help you to view these moments of normality differently.

Rather than being lulled by them into the false sense of security, see them as a pause in a storm.

You know the storm is always there but there's a moment when the wind drops. That's the time you take action and shore the house up for the next gust of wind that's coming - you know, you run and get the washing in and then you might take down the rotary airer to prevent damage when the next gusts start.

So don't be lulled. Use the pause to breathe and shore yourself up. Then you won't be surprised/shocked/dismayed when the storm begins again. You'll be ready.

toptoe Wed 03-Aug-16 11:02:31

Those lulls are part of the control and also when the abuser rests up for a little and hatch a new plan.

You have a month to go. It's surprising how quickly you will come back out of your shell. The hobbies, the enjoyment, the music, the showers - it will all be there. Use this month to sort out the last bits and bobs before you move out.

Does he know your schedule? Keep it to yourself as much as poss.

WoodenTrees Wed 03-Aug-16 11:09:52

Thank you, what fabulous vipers you are, providing somebody you don't know with amazing support. flowers wine
I like the storm analogy, Conker and Top yes, I think you're right, he's reassessing to start again.
As far as I know, he doesn't know my schedule. I have asked him to leave, he cries for 24 hours and then behaves as though nothing has happened. I went away with dds for a few days and asked him to be gone when I got back, he didn't, and behaved badly upon our return and then, again, as though nothing has happened. I think he will claim complete surprise!

ooharmehearties Wed 03-Aug-16 11:14:13

Cheering you on from the sidelines too!
You deserve such happiness. The mind is a wonderful thing. That is where the resilience and life force you hold will grow in secret until it is the optimum time.
I found the book 'psychopath free' by Peace so helpful after I left. Sending you very good luck and waving my pom-poms

WoodenTrees Fri 05-Aug-16 13:42:39

Small acts of rebellion:
Getting on with the noisy stuff even though he's in bed.
Crikey though, he still can't get into bed quietly! Yes, I know it's deliberate, I'm not as stupid as he thinks I am. It's like the banging into me last week, could so easily be seen as an accident.

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