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Splitting up when still both in love ...

(32 Posts)
Bob19701 Sun 20-Mar-16 10:25:17

I am a 46 year old man and I have been seeing my girlfriend for almost 18 months , we have a great loving relationship and never argue until alcohol is involved , she is a very social person but behind the scenes is very insecure needing almost constant reassurance for example, she feels I could do better / She is constantly waiting for me to end it / she feels she is a rubbish girlfriend....etc.

I will admit she likes to drink to excess when we go out and she would rather stay in if it doesn't involve a "full session" or "getting tuned in " I am not a tea totaller either but I can have a couple of drinks and call it a night , the arguments are trivial and seem silly the day after when she / me apologise and she beats herself up about it all for days and quoting all the above issues,

After just coming back from a holiday abroad for her birthday we went out with friends for a post birthday celebration when we got back to hers It all come to a head after the following conversation , she was seeking reassurances about if I will still want to be with her if I ever stop ' fancying ' her ? I tried to explain their is much more to my feelings than just that and people can still fancy each other for years and years and said I had fancied my ex wife (of 4yrs) for most of our 20 years marriage , that comment has (in my opinion) been totally taken out of context resulting in us both in agreement that even though we both love each other it would be better to be apart before we make each other miserable. ...

I think we maybe in a destructive relationship that will never change but how do you split with someone who you still love and will see locally probably on a daily basis ?
Sorry if that's a bit long ....

Bob19701 Sun 20-Mar-16 10:27:01

I am a 46 year old man and I have been seeing my girlfriend for almost 18 months , we have a great loving relationship and never argue until alcohol is involved , she is a very social person but behind the scenes is very insecure needing almost constant reassurance for example, she feels I could do better / She is constantly waiting for me to end it / she feels she is a rubbish girlfriend....etc.

I will admit she likes to drink to excess when we go out and she would rather stay in if it doesn't involve a "full session" or "getting tuned in " I am not a tea totaller either but I can have a couple of drinks and call it a night , the arguments are trivial and seem silly the day after when she / me apologise and she beats herself up about it all for days and quoting all the above issues,

After just coming back from a holiday abroad for her birthday we went out with friends for a post birthday celebration when we got back to hers It all come to a head after the following conversation , she was seeking reassurances about if I will still want to be with her if I ever stop ' fancying ' her ? I tried to explain their is much more to my feelings than just that and people can still fancy each other for years and years and said I had fancied my ex wife (of 4yrs) for most of our 20 years marriage , that comment has (in my opinion) been totally taken out of context resulting in us both in agreement that even though we both love each other it would be better to be apart before we make each other miserable. ...

I think we maybe in a destructive relationship that will never change but how do you split with someone who you still love and will see locally probably on a daily basis ?
Sorry if that's a bit long ....

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Bob19701 Sun 20-Mar-16 12:03:08

Oops I seem to have posters twice 😳

MorrisZapp Sun 20-Mar-16 12:06:41

She values alcohol above your relationship. It's manipulative and unfair to constantly play the 'I know you're going to dump me' card because you then look like a liar when you do end it.

She's in no position to be having a relationship with anybody until she's sorted her own issues out.

Bob19701 Sun 20-Mar-16 12:51:55

Morris zapp I think you are correct, a few weeks ago we where both invited to a family celebration but she didn't come because she had arranged to have a bottle of wine with a friend at home leaving me to make excuses for her . Even though we are both hurting I know exactly where she will be this afternoon...

curren Sun 20-Mar-16 13:01:01

She has a drinking problem.

Most people with drinking problem are good at manipulating situation.

She is manipulating you irk a position where you can't leave her.

She may love you, but she loves drinking more. Sorry Op

Bob19701 Sun 20-Mar-16 14:22:58

I think you are right it doesn't make it any easier , I am a positive person and I got over a 20 yr marriage with time so I am sure I can do it again ...

Bob19701 Sun 20-Mar-16 19:20:10

I know she will message later after being out and tell me how she didn't enjoy being out and had wished she was with me , being honest I knew she drank to much when we met but thought as our relationship developed the frequency and volume would taper off . When we spoke about changing things last week and I mentioned we don't have a problem except after drink she said she has always done the same and is unlikely to change now ...I know the answer but it's very difficult to accept

Bob19701 Tue 22-Mar-16 21:13:48

Another update ...I have had her daughter contact me to say she isn't coping with us splitting up very well and is off work (which is very rare) , is it best to just walk away or offer her some support. Obviously we was together 18 months and it's hard to see someone you care for suffer ??

inlectorecumbit Tue 22-Mar-16 21:23:53

I would walk away, her primary relationship is with alcohol, she chose this over you,

gatewalker Tue 22-Mar-16 21:51:15

If you don't walk away, you will become involved in her dysfunction. It's a painful thing to do, I know, but you must put your own needs first here - particularly because she has made it clear she won't change.

Bob19701 Tue 22-Mar-16 22:50:10

I understand that and feel like I was already getting dragged into a culture of drinking to much , it is difficult to sit back and watch someone who you love crash and burn but I will try to distance myself and hope for the best outcome ...

Claraoswald36 Tue 22-Mar-16 22:57:25

She sounds like very hard work. I am a c modest drinker and find ongoing socialising with heavy drinkers quite difficult, let alone dating them.
You are right though, you got over your marriage you can get over her - meant in the kindest way

Bob19701 Tue 22-Mar-16 23:17:54

Thankyou I take the advise in a kind way , as I said I always knew she was a big drinker and I thought she would change as our relationship developed , I am now realising that is not going to happen unless she wants to , which she doesn't 😕

mrsmeerkat Tue 22-Mar-16 23:20:56

You sound lovely. Very sincere.

but I think you need to stay away for both your sakes. I don't think relationships should be that hard.

lavenderhoney Wed 23-Mar-16 00:08:27

Well, she has told you she won't stop drinking and from that - it's not working for you. So the love you feel is already soured or you wouldn't be posting. You can't spend your life enabling a drinker.

It's fine to say " that's not working for me, i don't want to live like that"

Bob19701 Wed 23-Mar-16 07:03:42

And that's exactly it I don't want to live like that , I have a 11 year old who I have joint custody of and don't want her being dragged into the whole drinking culture , the three of us had planned a holiday abroad this summer and I was starting to have doubts about wanting my partner to come , that sums up my feelings really ...

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 23-Mar-16 07:16:15

Bob

These are the 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

The last two c's in particular are hard to accept but accept those you must.

The lady you've been seeing this past 18 months is an alcoholic; life with such people is always chaotic and she is being very manipulative here. Her primary relationship is with drink, it is not you, and her next thoughts centre around where the next drink is going to come from. She has shown you all too clearly who she is. You cannot rescue her or "love" her better. She has to want to do that for her own self.

Maybe your love for her is not really that at all, it may well be based on an unhealthy co-dependency. That is often a feature of relationships where alcohol is heavily featured. I would read up on co-dependency and see how much of that resonates with your own experiences. You may also want to consider talking to Al-anon as they could be helpful to you.

Your 11 year old DD as you rightly state does not need to be dragged into her drinking problem either. You need to break off all contact now with this woman before you get even further dragged down by her.

lasttimeround Wed 23-Mar-16 07:16:57

I'm sorry as you seem to care for her but this woman is in no state for a relationship. You can't fix her or help her with that. She will have to do it.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Wed 23-Mar-16 07:24:32

Having a relationship with someone with alcohol issues is soul destroying. You can't support her through your break up, it's not your role.

Bob19701 Wed 23-Mar-16 12:09:02

Thanks for all the replies , I have made arrangements and filled my bank holiday weekend with other things so we won't bump into each other , which would be a disaster. I am definitely going to go no contact until then my head around it all and move on ...

Bob19701 Thu 24-Mar-16 07:12:36

I got more messages off her daughter telling me about a family crisis and her mum being in bits and drinking more , I decided to contact her to see what was going on , she is in a bad way with the crisis and us splitting and drinking more to 'help her chill and sleep' nothing really came of the conversation and I left her to it. I have sent her a very nice message to say we are best having no contact because it will only keep upsetting each other and not help us move forwards , she messaged back ' catch you sometime' .... So that's it I feel a line has been drawn and onwards I go , thanks for all the advise I received off you all it has helped immensely x

LuluJakey1 Thu 24-Mar-16 09:35:06

Well done. Please do not contact her again under any circumstances. This is how people get pulled into lives with alcoholcs. Alcoholics are not bad people- often likeable, sociable, funny but they are controlled by alcohol and put it before anything else. There is nothing you can do to stop her.
Just get on with your life, block her and her family from your phone/social media, and never look back. If you do, you will be drawn back over and over by sob stories and nothing will change. Her family will want you in her life because you being there takes the pressure off them. You will end up very unhappy and you deserve mch better than that.

Bob19701 Thu 24-Mar-16 14:13:34

Lulujackey ...that's exactly what I thought when her family contacted me it is because I have been the level head in the relationship and the rest of the family didnt need to get involved . I am up and down but realise looking back how one sided our relationship was meaning I did all the organising and forgiving , as said previously I am a very positive person so I will be fine once I get some time under my belt ....I think I will leave relationships alone for quite some time 😳

ExtraHotLatteToGo Thu 24-Mar-16 14:26:44

You've done the right thing, don't go having second thoughts. She needs to sort herself out. If her daughter, or anyone else, contacts you again, just politely but firmly explain that it's over, that what she does is no longer anything to do with you. She's an adult with family & friends who coped before she met you and she will again, harsh as that sounds, you have to believe that. For yourself and your daughter.

Don't let it put you off dating other people, there are plenty of single, perfectly nice women out there who'd love to meet someone nice.

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