I can't have sex ...

[Confused2015xxx]

I've started seeing a new man it's all new.
Last night we tried to have sex for the first time and I couldn't I kind of froze.
Il be honest with you in July I had sex with a man with a girlfriend,it was shitty and I regret it,I'm not just saying that ..I actually regret it to a point where I hate myself.
Anyway this guy is the first person I've slept with since( well tried to have sex) I couldn't do it,I fancy this man but I felt dirty and cheap,I can't explain.

In July with this guy we got into bed and I honestly thought we wouldn't have sex,before we got in he said he was happy to cuddle and talk.
I can't remember if I mentioned in my last post but he just changed and said we having sex,your not getting out of this bed till I f*ck you.
We had such a good night open until then just talking etc and I felt close to him.

Now I won't lie I did want him but I did somewhere deep down knew it was wrong so I kept saying we shouldn't etc.
Now I know he was turned on.
I turned over and he started to pull my underwear down ( I did grab them and say look no we shouldn't) I was still a little on my period and thought first time I didn't want him to see me like that)
He kept trying to have sex so I thought just let him because I did want to ( I did I just was having arguments with myself what was right and wrong)and he wasn't going to give up.
His attitude changed and he was angry or maybe that was Him turned on.
So he started having sex.

I did enjoy it once it started but after I felt he had no respect for me.
Since then I've felt dirty.
One because he was a taken man and two because he didn't care for me enough when I said no to listen.
I can't look at myself naked.
I feel like a whore( own fault I know)
But I think I've blown it with this new bloke,I can't explain how I feel to him.
He didn't force me to have sex but wouldn't listen to my wishes.

What's wrong with me?
Seriously why am I so fucked up?

[FlameProofBoots]

Oh sweetheart. You were raped.

Would you feel up to giving Rape Crisis a call to talk it through? The freezing is you trying to protect yourself even though your new man might be lovely.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Confused2015xxx]

It deffo wasn't rape.
He just didn't listen to me saying that maybe it's best we don't.
I didn't get out of the bed and I did want to have sex.
After I felt used tho as he never spoke to me again .
Believe me I wanted him just as much but he was aggressive which I'm not keen on

[Joysmum]

You said you shouldn't, you tried to stop him pulling down your underwear and again said no, he se med angry, you let him.

That's not consent.

Of course your confused if you were arroused, many victims are, but it's common. Please, Google about consent and rape arrousal, many victims don't want to believe they are a victim as denying means they had a say and weren't controlled. It very complicated and much of it those who haven't been raped can't begin to understand.

[Confused2015xxx]

I really had feelings for this guy( still do more than likely)we were kissing all night and getting into bed with him wasn't my best decision but it was obviously leading him on.

I just wish that it hasn't made me feel so dirty.
I think I just wanted to come on here to vent really how I was feeling.

Once we started having sex I did enjoy it,and I know it wasn't fair for me to get into bed and not give him sex.

I think it's because he had the gf and that's why I felt so cheap.
I know it's all my fault for how I'm feeling I just hope this new guy gives me another chance.

[timelytess]

That's rape. Get help.

[Confused2015xxx]

Honestly it wasn't like that.
I just think as the whole experience was seedy that's why I kind of feel sex is a bit off for me.
I 100% did fancy him and if he hadn't of came on so strong there's a chance I still would of maybe had sex.
We had flirted for years and built it up and finally we were in bed together.
Hopefully this new guy is patient with me.

[KaluzaKlein]

You didn't consent. It's rape.

The majority of rapes are like this - it's not all strangers leaping out of bushes and dragging you off at knifepoint, it's the use of coercion in exactly the way you have described above
The majority of rapes are perpetrated by people the woman knows and involve sub violence, I.e verbal and implied aggression.

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

It was rape my love. I'm so sorry you had this experience. No is enough to make any decent man stop. The freezing now is a natural and common after effect of sexual assault. Contact rape crisis. They are fantastic and don't pressure you into anything just listen. I've been where you are. The giving in and the confusion about how you feel afterwards. You can't accept sympathy because you feel dirty and partly responsible. You weren't responsible. He was. And he knows it. That's why he has run for the hills! Be kind to yourself. Talk to your current partner. You don't have to go into detail. Just explain that something happened and you're working on it. If he isn't patient and sympathetic then you've dodged a bullet. Trust me.

[Confused2015xxx]

Honestly I could of left the bed but I chose not too.
I decided to stay because I did feel safe and comfortable with him.
Before we had sex he told me he loved me.
I just wish once I said no let's not he would of understood.
It was good and felt good afterwards I did feel dirty which was more than likely because I knew he had a girlfriend.
When we were texting previous he told me he liked to be in control in the bedroom.

[timelytess]

we got into bed and I honestly thought we wouldn't have sex
Right, so if you had sex and you hadn't consented, that's rape.

he just changed and said we having sex,your not getting out of this bed till I fck you*
If he did, that's rape.

I kept saying we shouldn't etc
If he did, after you'd said that, its rape, again.

I turned over and he started to pull my underwear down ( I did grab them and say look no we shouldn't)
Yes, sex after that is rape.

He kept trying to have sex so I thought just let him
That's coercion/ rape.

His attitude changed and he was angry...So he started having sex
Rape.

Please get some help.

[Confused2015xxx]

I don't want to portray him in a bad light.
He is a cheat but he isn't that type of man.
I think it's more a problem with me than anything.
Thankyou for your advice and opinions but it wasn't my intention to paint him in such a negative light.

The sex was fine It was just the build up to it that has made me feel cheap.

[chelle792]

I'm sorry, I haven't read the full feed. It was a little triggering for me so please disregard if my advice is misplaced.

I'm thinking about your new man. When I first starting dating my DH, we went on a fair few dates before I invited him over to my place.

From there, he had to wait a further six weeks before I finally felt ready and able to sleep with him. I let him know my background and briefly why it would take me a little while to trust him and to feel able to sleep with him. We spent nights together before we slept together, were sometimes physical and sometimes just cuddled up together naked. He was really understanding.

It was one of the things that made me realise he was a keeper because I bottled it/freaked out more than once. He didn't react badly to my panicking and hysterical tears apart from cuddle me - didn't even comment.

Sexual trauma, no matter what form it comes in can be hard to get over. Whether it be rape or something else. If your new man is a good man then he will understand. You can just say you've had a bad experience and it makes sex hard. Tell him you want him but you want to go slow.

Hope this helps x

[timelytess]

The sex was fine
Ah. So you just wanted to share with us your '50 Shades' role-playing experience? Why not put that in the opening post or thread title, then we could make an informed decision about whether or not to read?

[Doughnutsandflapjacks33]

He sounds like a controlling twat, you tried to stop him by saying 'no', he was cheating on his girlfriend and was persuading you that having sex with him was the right thing to do, he had no respect for you, men like this do not respect women, wether it was rape or not he is not the tripe of person you need in your life. Sadly I have met a few men like him, they are only ever after one thing and that's getting their leg over with whoever they can, they will try and make you feel special and wanted ( groom you ) just to get what they want.

It may or not be rape but he obviously made you feel very uncomfortable and you need to deal with this before moving on with another partner. What ever you do don't blame yourself, your not dirty or a slag.

[mouldycheesefan]

Well she says' I let him because I did want to.'

There is not a Judge in the land that would say that is rape. Yes he was horrid, but she wasn't raped. Calling every horrible sexual pressurising man a rapist does not help the cause of women who are victims. Op herself says she wasn't raped.

Op this man was not worth you, I hope the next one is.

[Justaboy]

I think you made a mistake with the other man and let alone the consented or consented not sex issue there are tangled emotions left over from that relationship. How you go about rectifying that is another matter. Either you make the best of what you can with the new bloke and as others have said if he's really into you he'll have patience and wait, or better see a counsellor of some sort else this relationship that may well be promising is going to flounder but I'm sure you realise that .

[TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet]

Evening all
there's never a bad time to link to We Believe You

[CherryPicking]

It doesn't matter how much you liked him or led him on or felt aroused - he still raped you. No means no. Decent human beings respect that boundary - rapists don't.

[CherryPicking]

Mouldycheese you don't know what you're talking about - plenty of women are raped by men they'd planned on having sex with, or wanted to have sex with. I'm sure judges can deal with the distinction. She also says 'he started to have sex' not 'we'. Kinda big clue there...

[Confused2015xxx]

What I meant by he started having sex without being graphic was I had turned over and he started to try and position himself ..I didn't say no at this point so it deffo wasn't anything bad what he did.
I made a choice to stay in bed with him.
That's just the type of man he is very sexually confident and in control.

[Sophia1984]

'I know it wasn't fair for me to get into bed and not give him sex.'

Please don't feel guilty about this. Getting into bed with someone does not mean you 'owe' them sex. I've been in a similar situation where I thought we would just do other stuff but he expected sex so I went along with it, because it felt easier to do that than make a fuss.

I've also been with someone who had a girlfriend, and I know how awful it can feel, but please try to forgive yourself.

I've had issues in the past with not being able to have sex because I see it as dirty or seedy. I found I needed to take things slowly, and it might help to explain to your new man that your last sexual experience was a negative one. You may feel more relaxed if you can build up that trust with him.

[Confused2015xxx]

I think It's because I had never been with a man who was that intense so it was a shock to the system.
The fact he did have a gf left me feeling like a prostitute so now when I'm in bed with this guy I'm thinking I hope he isn't using me which caused me to tense up etc

[QforCucumber]

Wasn't this your best friends brother who also has a brand new baby at home but you've been in love with him for years and he knew that?
He took advantage of you because he knew he could, he knew how you felt about him and used it to his advantage.
Have you spoken to the new guy since your date? If he's a good man he will understand and you can both start up again and make the effort with each other, he needs to make you feel wanted and appreciated for you to be able to be comfortable with him -that's not a bad thing

[pocketsaviour]

OP.

I understand that you may not want to call what happened "rape" because the term is shocking, because you don't want to think of yourself as a victim, because you feel you led this man on, because you felt you "owed" him sex, because you felt you didn't say no enough times or physically fight him off.

Would it help to frame this in your mind as

"This man knew I didn't want to have sex with him, because he had a girlfriend, because I had my period, because I wasn't ready. He got into bed by saying he would respect me and just cuddle, but when I repeated that I didn't want to, then he became angry and said that he wouldn't let me out of bed without fucking me. He tried to undress me and I resisted. He got on top of me and started to have sex with me. Because my body is a normal human body and responds to physical and sexual stimulation in the way it's designed to do, I did feel physical arousal and enjoyment. However afterwards I felt sick and disgusted and dirty and I am now suffering from anxiety about having sex with anyone else."

If your best friend was to tell you that had happened to her, what would be your advice to her? Would you tell her it was her own fault? Or would you tell her that she had trusted this man who had said he would respect her, and then he ignored her refusals of sex and forced her, and that was not her fault for believing she would be safe with him and he would respect her choice?