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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Could I ever get out this affair?

49 replies

2la82turn1987 · 12/08/2015 23:42

6 months ago found out my husband cheated on me with a coworker while our baby was struggling for his life. My water broke nearly 3 months early and I was hospitalized for a month, my son was so premature he needed life support. 15 days in the NICU he went home, the next day I got a call for the dr, he needed to be rushed back to the NICU for possible newborn disease that could kill him, long story short... I had to feed him every 2-3 hours or he could die. My stress level was awful I had to pump and then bottle feed him, I never slept and was always in fear. Test took almost 6 months to come back clear, I was lost and afraid every second for my baby's life, Thank God, he is just a carrier and my husband was to busy"working" 60+ hours a week to help out but rented a hotels to screw this married coworker, she even has them same name as I do. He has begged me to forgive but everyday is a struggle, is it possible to get over this affair.

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Dukketeater · 12/08/2015 23:45

Personally I couldn't.

He not only cheated on you but on your baby as I see it.

He'll probably blame the stress of it all but you were stressed and didn't go fucking around...

Sorry if thats not the answer you wanted but cheaters make me sick.

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that and that your husband done what he done.

ouryve · 12/08/2015 23:45

Only you and him together can work out whether your relationship can weather it, but even if it did, there's no guarantee he wouldn't bail out on another occasion when you really needed him to play at being a grown up for once.

He's a tosser, IMO.

kittybiscuits · 12/08/2015 23:48

You don't have to agonize about it. It doesn't sound like he did. If this is a deal-breaker for you, and I can understand why it would be, then it is your choice to walk away. He is responsible for the outcome.

inlectorecumbit · 12/08/2015 23:48

Personally l couldn't forgive.
He was screwing around at a time when his family really needed him and he was too busy getting his end away to support you as she should--so much for helping out.
How did you find out?
Just asking-have you had an STI check?

PingpongDingDong · 12/08/2015 23:49

Oh god, I'm so sorry for all that you've had to go through! I hope your baby is doing well now. I think your H's behaviour is unforgivable. There's no way I could take someone back after that. Entirely up to you but I'd perceive that as the ultimate betrayal.

Lulioli · 12/08/2015 23:57

He s a tosser, quite frankly. Weak, disloyal self centred and a complete twat. Inexcusable behaviour. You and your baby deserve so much more. What a shit time you must be having. Do you have lots of RL support? You must be wrung out.

CluckingBelle · 12/08/2015 23:58

When the going got tough, he wasn't there for you. You were going through what I imagine was probably the toughest time in your life so far, and he was off meeting his own needs as opposed to being there for you and his child.

He has shown you his true colours, what more is there to say?

goddessofsmallthings · 13/08/2015 00:08

I'm so sorry your baby had such a shaky start to life but no doubt he's come on in leaps and bounds and is now a strapping little lad.

So, your h has begged'you to forgive him. What has he done to show you that he knows he's been a cunt of the first water who's not fit to lick the soles of your shoes?

Getting over a betrayal of this magnitude could take years and, personally, I'd rather spend those years glorying in my dc than waiting around for hell to freeze over until I was able relegate it to some dim and distant recess of my mind.

Were you intending to have more dc with your h? If so, you need to be aware that, even if you are able to reconcile yourself with what he did while his pfb was fighting for his life, you'll most probably spend any subsequent pregnancies and post-birth weeks in a state of high alert waiting for him to do it again.

for you, honey. Your h has shown you what he is and he isn't worthy of you.

BrowersBlues · 13/08/2015 00:21

I feel so angry on your behalf. He has not stepped up the mark when he needed to and he is never going to turn into super dad and super husband. I am so pleased to hear your little boy is doing well and he deserves so much better. Take it from me spending years trying to turn a feckless father into a decent father is a complete waste of time and effort.

You hold you head high and be the best parent to your son. You sound like a wonderful committed mother and you do not need that deadbeat hanging about. In my experience, and that of lots of my friends in similar situations to you and me, an absent father does less damage than a present useless self obsessed father whose doesn't give a damn about his children.

Walk away and focus on your baby. You will then have a future and may meet someone who adores you and treats you in the manner in which you deserve to be treated.

He doesn't deserve either of you.

reasonstobecheerful123 · 13/08/2015 00:37

No, LTB..he doesnt give a shit about you...find strength for YOU and your baby, PRIORITISE THIS above him, never take him back. You will get over it. He is a cunt bad person for you to have to deal with at this point

Bogeyface · 13/08/2015 00:40

No, I dont think so.

You needed him, you son needed him so what did he do? Book a hotel and screw his mistress.

There is no coming back from that.

He will tell you that he needed an escape from the stress. Well so did you, and you didnt go out and fuck someone else.

I have moved on (ish) from my husbands affair, so I know whereof I speak. This would be unforgivable. I am so sorry x

Bogeyface · 13/08/2015 00:43

Oh and if/when you split up, dont lie.

Dont let him manipulate you into not telling people the truth because it would be bad for your baby or whatever. Tell them the truth. "When DS was in hospital he was having an affair". Dont protect him.

NickiFury · 13/08/2015 00:48

I think a man who could do this is capable of anything. I couldn't stay with a man like that. Without going into my story my ex H did something similar but not as bad. I found out much later but I wish I had known at the time.

PresidentTwonk · 13/08/2015 00:50

There's no way I could forgive that, how cruel. I'm so sorry for everything you have been, and are going, through

mynewpassion · 13/08/2015 01:50

Leave the bastard. What he did is beyond the pale. There's just some things in life that is in a category of unforgivable and you need to get as far away as possible. He can't be there to have your back. He took advantage of a horrific situation to spend money, time, and support on someone else when you and your baby needed him.

he's not worthy of you. Don't hide what he did either.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/08/2015 01:53

Oh HELL no!! That is such a violation of everything marriage and fatherhood is supposed to be that I could never get over it.

You and your child deserve so much more than that sorry excuse will ever be able to give you.

2la82turn1987 · 13/08/2015 21:31

I found out in his bank statements he rented a motel

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2la82turn1987 · 13/08/2015 21:39

No more children with my H, we been together about 5 years I have 2 through a pervious marriage, 6 and 9 that call him dad, our baby was so high risk, I could consider going through that again, I worked at the hospital, I lost my job, lost my nursing scholarship, now I am depressed, just want to wake up one day and this now be on my mind.

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AcrossthePond55 · 13/08/2015 21:41

It really doesn't matter how you found out. It only matters that you deserve better than he is giving you.

See a solicitor. Find out your legal position with regards to assets and maintenance. Find someone in RL who can support you and either help you to leave or help you to ask him to leave.

mynewpassion · 13/08/2015 21:55

Maybe getting away from him will be beneficial to your physical and mental health

2la82turn1987 · 13/08/2015 22:05

We just got married last October and everything was perfect! What do I do? I feel like I never got a chance to be happy, how to I get rid of all those wedding pictures? Tell my kids once a again that they don't have a father? My other kids he has been raising for 5 years call him dad, my ex husband was convicted of aggravated sexual abuse of a child, so I just quit all contact with him over 3 years ago. I found out when we were newlyweds that he was cheating on me during the worse time of my life, I lost everything but by baby. I worked in a Adult ICU and was lifting very heavy patients that caused me to pull my muscles out of place. I talked to my doctor about my straining and the pain and she just told me it was normal, I could continue doing everything I did non pregnant as I was pregnant. Stupid me, yes I know, but this job paid for my nursing school. One day at work I felt a pop and I was covered in fluid. I thought I leaned over to far in the patients bed and got urine on me, as I was putting in a foley catheter, I laugh at my crew telling them... My water just broke!!! They screamed its to early for that, I replied jk I think it was the patients urine (gross right) but I changed my scrubs and when back to work, I thought I was just leaking urine as my water never ruptured before with my other kids.

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2la82turn1987 · 13/08/2015 22:22

When I found out I blasted the affair all over FB! Now I can see that only did way more damage to our family. I did leave and told him I would meet him in counseling, we got counseling, a lot of counseling, nothing helped but honestly when I came back I was so destroyed I wanted to make him suffer like I did, I talked to other men, the psychiatrist told me I did just as much damage, now we are in a different place and all I want is to be hypnotized to forget, I want to wake up one day and not feel the pain I do, its the first thought in my head each morning. I just don't understand myself and how I don't have any control over my thoughts.

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2la82turn1987 · 13/08/2015 22:24

Did u every try to work it out with your ex H? If so, how long did it last?

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mynewpassion · 13/08/2015 22:35

This relationship is not good for you. You need to leave it and start as fresh as possible. This is not good for the children either. You are living in a toxic atmosphere that you are not able to rise above it all.

Additionally, the psychiatrist can kiss your ass. You went through a trauma with the hardship of your baby's health and then finding out about the affair during that horrific time. He/she blaming you is of no help.

Think of your children and move away from your husband. He can still see the children but you don't need his presence to be a constant reminder.

You have to decide for yourself but right now, maybe distancing yourself might save you.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 13/08/2015 22:36

When the worst thing imaginable happened you made it through on your own, saved your child's life.

You are strong enough to continue on your own and make a new life and new happiness for your little family.

Explaining to your children won't be easy of course, but living a shallow existence in the shadow of this will be a lot harder and more stressful than that can ever be.

How can you ever rely on a man that put his own dick before the life of his own child sweet?

So you posted on FB and talked to other men...big deal. You are allowed to be crazy furious in light of those revelations.

And stop blaming yourself for the events leading up to this. You were working towards a better life for your family, him included. You were doing what lots of other pregnant women do. Be kind to yourself.

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