My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP - our future in theory, but no action. Time to call it a day?

31 replies

helloyounglady · 28/05/2015 14:40

I have been with my DP for 3 years and we have lived together for 1.5 years. He's 29 and I'm 28.

We talked about buying a home early on. We both have enough money to buy, and could buy on our own (though somewhere much smaller, obviously). We would send each other property details while at work. DP also said about a year ago that he 'couldn't wait to marry me,' and makes references to that regularly. I have started to get to the point where I am actually ready for the reality of this. I am also concerned that we are wasting money, (a lot of money) on rent, for no real reason as we both have the ability to buy.

I have begun questioning DP's sincerity with saying he wants to marry me... he increasingly travels overseas with work voluntarily - he elects to do so - (3 weeks at a time, almost monthly this year), and when I ask outright about marriage he says 'it will happen,' but it very vague and almost jokey about it. It doesn't make me feel great. My DP is also 'concerned' about buying somewhere together as he came out the other day with 'I always thought I would buy alone first.' This came as a surprise to me... we had discussed buying a lot, and he apparently wants to marry me at some point...so to me, that doesn't add up - does it to any of you?

I have begun to feel a bit messed around and it has caused a few arguments recently. I have said that if he doesn't want to commit and keeps travelling overseas, how can we start a proper life together? His response is that he loves me and wants us to work, but nothing really changes. He still works away, still no proposal and no real drive to find us a home. I am worried that I am being impatient perhaps, but then I feel frustrated that he would make these plans with me and not action them. My friends tell me that he is the type of person to not want to commit for a long time, and I'm starting to wonder if that's true. I know he;s not old, but surely at 29, you start to think seriously about your relationship with the woman you want to marry?

As a result of feeling frustrated and left alone a lot of the time while he is away, I have taken it upon myself to buy my own place. I viewed somewhere yesterday and really like it. My DP does not know about this yet, because I wanted to know how I felt when looking round. I now think it is something I would be happy to do alone. With my DP away so much, I feel like I have to do this, but it also makes me question the future of the relationship.

Are my feelings/suspicions/annoyance fair here do you think? When he says he loves me and wants us, how does that add up to his seeming lack of commitment? Is he just the type of person who will never settle down?

Thank you!!

OP posts:
Report
thecolourpink · 28/05/2015 14:51

I have a friend IRL with similar circumstances. My gut feeling with that and this is that you're going nowhere with this bloke. All sounds like empty promises to me. Actions speak louder than words IMHO.

Sorry I can't be more positive.

Report
helloyounglady · 28/05/2015 14:54

Thanks for replying thecolourpink

I think I am in agreement. It's a shame because I really love him, but it's causing so many arguments when he says one thing then literally nothing changes... it's not like we are 15, we are old enough to be sure - I am - and if he;s not then I don't know what he is looking for because apparently he does want to marry me and have kids... why put obstacles in the way of that.

OP posts:
Report
bjrce · 28/05/2015 14:59

hi,
I think your feelings are very fair. In his actions he has told you exactly what he wants.
He may well continue to string you along, but on the other hand if you show him your hand, in that, if you are serious about buying this house on your own, it will bring everything out into the open and you will then see, what his intentions are.

You can't wait around for him for the next 3/5 years and at that point, you may still get the same outcome.

I think you are great for taking the bull by the horns, make sure if you are looking at this house that you are willing to see it through. Don't let him put you off, for things to go back to where they are currently.

I remember with my DH in the early days, when we were dating, a lot of our friends were buying property together, I had thought about buying myself but he had wanted to buy together. Nothing was happening. One weekend, I got sick of it. I asked him what is the plan. Are we going to buy a house together or not? He then mentioned houses he had seen and was interested. I am not joking. I made him go with me that evening to view these house, we happened to meet the builder on site that evening, the next morning we went and put a deposit on a house. Still together after 20 years.

Turns out my DH is super cautious, point I am making ( may not be relevant to you,) If I hadn't pushed the issue, Gods knows when we would have eventually took action.

Do the right thing for yourself.

Report
thecolourpink · 28/05/2015 15:03

Exactly this.he should know after 3 years of being with you. The other side of the coin here is possibly he doesn't see any rush. But then again if you know what you want why wait especially when he knows its causing grief.

Report
helloyounglady · 28/05/2015 15:05

bjrce thank you for your reply, that's so helpful.

I worry that perhaps my DP is similar to your DH... maybe I am being too hard on him?

The thing is, I have addressed it, in a similar way that you have, and he has the added reason that because my job is unpredictable in terms of where I will end up in say a year, he doesnt want to do it. This does not ring true as a proper reason to me...sure, it makes it more difficult, BUT if we got a mortgage then this would be cheaper than renting and i even suggested just buying a flat, well within our price bracket, so that IF I couldnt stay in the area for any period of time, then at least we could still meet the payments, and I could be there each weekend with him, if that makes sense? And work away in the week. I just want to get on the property ladder and I know I want my future with him so it seems simple to me.

What annoys me is he is very keen to talk about marriage, but then even buying a place together makes him come up with excuses... if he wanted to truly marry me, i dont think he would be saying no to getting a place on the doorstep to his work, regardless of whether i may have to work away in the week for 12 months potentially.

OP posts:
Report
bjrce · 28/05/2015 15:21

Would it be so bad if you bought your own place and then he in turn bought his own. This doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship. I was going to go down this route, a lot of my friends did, they eventually married their BFs. Ended up with 2 properties and sold one at a later date. Its not such a big issue.
They reason My H wanted me in with him was, we did plan to get married, ( didn't get married for another 4 years), but he knows I am better with money than him and would get myself organised quicker.

Report
helloyounglady · 28/05/2015 15:23

No it wouldn't be so bad, but it just doesn't add up to me when he tells me he cant live without me/wants to marry me/hhave kids. By not getting a home together and by working away so much, his actions seem to undermine all tat sentiment, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Report
bjrce · 28/05/2015 15:32

Look men love talking all that shit, but when it comes to actually getting things done, some men are such procrastinators.
This is not a reflection on you, this is more to do with him. I totally understand your view re wasting money on rent. I can tell you, you BF is too busy travelling with his work and other things, it will be very difficult for you to pin him down and commit to buying a house.
If you want action in this area, it does seem like you will need to take on the actual project yourself IYKWIM. By this I mean, go view houses if you want and if you feel you want to buy a house go for it, if he wants to go in with you, you'll find out very quickly what his intentions are.

Best of luck.

Report
Melonfool · 28/05/2015 15:36

Is it sensible for you to buy a place on your own if your job isn't necessarily predictable? It would be very dull to buy a flat on your own then have to work away, on your own, all week and come back to it at the weekends (not to mention the added cost - in that situation why wouldn't you just buy where the job was?). Or, if the relationship continues, to go to 'his' sometimes and yours at other times.

Also, what does he get out of this working away? You say he 'volunteers', is that true or is it career limiting not to do it? Does he always go to the same place for 3 weeks (thus enjoys the life there) or is an 'on the road' type job where it's a different place every time?

I actually tend to think men are a bit slower at committing and I always reckon dp is about 6m behind me, and more depending how 'serious' the issue. I did have to make the point a bit firmly when we were moving in together. It was 'yes we will', but then like yours - no flippin action! So I left it for a while (probably 10m) and then got serious with him and we got it sorted - it still took ages as I had to sell, then we had to buy, finances had to be sorted, he was changing job so we had to let that settle....

It does also sound as if there could be two separate issues for you - one that you want to see some movement in your relationship and the other than you are itching to 'get on the property ladder'. It might be that you are mixing the two up in your head?

You don't have to wait for him to propose by the way, you can just talk to him about getting married and agree together to do it.

Report
Whiteshirt · 28/05/2015 15:40

I think that, by and large, people do what they want to do, so I would take his actions seriously as telling you - more than what he says - what his priorities about his life are. But you are enabling him by hanging about waiting for him to take some action, so it's possible he just takes you for granted, and think you'll still be there whenever he decides that marriage and house-buying is on the top of his agenda. You need to decide whether his 'sometime in the future' timescale suits you or not. If not, concentrate on your job and buy yourself somewhere to live.

Like you, both DH and I are in relatively unstable work positions - we commuted internationally for years - which mean our current jobs could end over the summer. We are still buying a house here, though, because you really can't live as if you're always about to rush off somewhere else. It means you never put your heart into anything if you approach life as 'Oh, I can't do x because I might have to move to the other end of the country for work in three months.'

Report
helloyounglady · 28/05/2015 15:50

melonfool my job isn't predictable in the sense that for a SHORT time frame I may have to live elsewhere in the week. For me, it's sensible to still buy and be on the property ladder and building a life together - I know i want to stay int he area so that doesnt concern me.

The travel in some circumstances enhances the career. The frequency with which he goes is not necessary and it his choice. In addition, there are things I could do for my career that I wouldnt do, as it would mean I neglected the relationship. I am not saying that is right or wrong - it's my personal choice as I value my relationship, and I personally think so often out of the UK is not good for a reltiosnhip that is just beginning in terms of starting a proper life...

OP posts:
Report
helloyounglady · 28/05/2015 15:52

whiteshirt that is exacly how I feel... there is always a reason to put it off but at the end of the day, why would anyone sit on a house deposit just to waste money renting. It doesnt make sense and if you're with the person you want to spend your life with, I cannot think of a good reason not to do it.......

OP posts:
Report
OhNoNotMyBaby · 28/05/2015 15:59

I would go ahead and buy your own place OP. Your DP's actions - as others have said - speak volumes. He clearly likes the idea of stability and marriage - but at a considerable distance. He is not ready or willing to embrace this just yet.

It doesn't necessarily mean it's all over between you but I think you need to make your own plans and action them. Don't hang around waiting for him to make up his mond.

Report
TheEmpressofBlandings · 28/05/2015 16:27

I bought my own place when my then BF couldn't get his head around committing. It brought it home to him that I wasn't prepared to sit around waiting for him because I wanted marriage and kids and if he didn't, I'd find someone who did. As it turned out, it convinced him he did want that and we've now been married 12 years.

Report
KatelynB · 28/05/2015 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CitySnicker · 28/05/2015 20:28

Is this the guy with the controlling mum?

Report
Happyfriday · 28/05/2015 20:42

You post about him regularly op and I think this has been driving you crazy. Get on with your life on your own and don't wait around any longer.

Report
magoria · 28/05/2015 21:05

I wouldn't necessarily call it a day unless you have posted before.

But

Don't put your life on hold.

It is crazy making decisions which adversely affect your career. Stop this. He doesn't.

Get out, get hobbies, spends time with friends etc. Make him an extra in your life like you seem to be in his.

Move on with your life. Find a house you like and buy it. It may be smaller than you could afford together but it will be yours.

If he moves in with you ensure that you have it sealed tight with regards to protecting your assets while he is just a BF and relatively uncommitted.

Onwards with your life and if he steps up then that is a bonus. If he doesn't reassess where you are in six months/a year and if he is bringing anything to it.

Just don't waste time sitting around waiting.

Report
Ouchbloodyouch · 28/05/2015 22:56

I see similarities between this post and some from the last week. Forgive me if I am wrong!
Do read the other threads on here? The best thing you can do is buy alone.

Report
Gorgonzolacherry · 28/05/2015 23:16

I second buying alone. Then he can always buy his own place and you both move into one or the other. Always protect yourself financially.

Report
catmaze · 28/05/2015 23:40

Absolutely buy your own place, and let him do the same.

Do not let him move in with you without legal advice, cheap and very necessary.

Kick start your life, don't waste any more of your very precious time.

Report
tribpot · 28/05/2015 23:50

The only way you will move this story forward is to take action. You could have bought and sold a place in the time you've been waiting for him to be ready, him to propose, him to take action.

You want to be on the property ladder and you obviously won't want him to move in with you as a tenant as that actually moves your relationship backwards rather than forwards. So start looking for a place for yourself in earnest and tell him it's time to decide if he's in or out. You're letting years go by on someone who doesn't seem very committed to you. Time to write your own story.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Ouchbloodyouch · 29/05/2015 08:10

I wasted years waiting for prince charming to buy with me. Now I can't. Ever. Don't make the same mistakes. You only have to read on here women who can't extricate themselves from bad relationships because they are financially involved.

Report
Dowser · 29/05/2015 10:20

Go for your own place. Follow your heart. Like he does.

At the worst it will make or break your relationship at thebest you will have your own home.

Good luck op. it seems it's come to the crunch in your relationship.

Report
HolgerDanske · 29/05/2015 10:23

Buy your own place.

Honestly, you'll never regret doing that.

Actions, not words.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.