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Relationships

Lost and sad. Guidance welcomed

27 replies

Dailygraft123 · 27/03/2015 22:00

This thread concerns my relationship with my parents.

Where to start. Ugh.

I am an only child. Now in mid thirties. Growing up I think my father was abusive. Physical and emotional abuse. When I say this to them, they deny and minimise it.

Physical in terms of being beaten and threatened with violence. Examples - at Sunday school (aged 8 or so) we put on a concert for the parents. I think I have some learning difficulties as at the time couldn't figure out at which point I was supposed to sing. Concert came, we performed to parents in the audience. I could see my parents grimacing. Apparently I wasn't singing at the right points on purpose. Got home and was lashed on my hand by my dad 40 times as my mum heckled support. Hand was all blue and purple afterwards.

Was routinely hit around the head. When I asked why was told because the head doesn't show bruises.

Didn't agree with my dad smoking so locked the basement door when he went out for a fag. That was naughty but was only supposed to be for a show. I wouldn't have kept him there. He smashed through the door and chased me upstairs with a knife in his hand. I locked myself in the bathroom.

A big thing was always made of my appearance. If I didn't wear my hair the way they wanted it, I was shunned. If I didn't dress how they wanted, I was beaten. I was embarrassed to wear the clothes they chose as was so different from my peers (I wanted to wear a shell suit.... Like everyone else!). When I had to start wearing glasses,my dad refused to walk next to me in the street because he said he was embarrassed.

Appearance issues were the biggest source of emotional abuse. When I didn't want to wear the jumper they chose for me when going out with a friend for the day and her family I was told by dad " you little shit. I may have to love you but I don't like you". Would spend the day with my friend on the verge of tears seeing how beautifully her father treated her.

The physical abuse stopped when I started to hit back. The emotional abuse subsided when I lived how they wanted me to I.e studied the degree they wanted and worked in the job they approved of. I talked with them on their level. Their interests. Fitting in with their very strict social aims...

They can also be very nice and supportive. But again! Only when they approve of what I am trying to do. Helping me with a deposit to buy a house for example. I don't want to throw that kindness back in their face because it has helped to set me up. I am so grateful for that.

As they've gotten older they seem to be very keen on building a relationship with me. They seem lonely almost.

But still not great. Love is conditional. If I tell the, about myself...my interests, my holidays...my plans for the future, they are negative as it doesn't fit in with their view of life. My mother is obsessed with me finding a very Naice man. Professional. Everything I do must be focused towards this. When I told her I was going on holiday with a single female friend who is in her 40s, she told me not to share a bed with her. like my friend is Some fa big raving lesbo. No that I would care but just fuck off with your judgements please.

I got some financial independence and started to give them less info about my life. So I could be myself and still interact with them. I told them I liked a guy. I told them he was a painter. They asked, what kind of art? I replied "walls".

They said, no you won't. It will never work. You don't have the same values as a working class man. I love him. I cannot love a man trotting around in salmon coloured chinos with a double chin. It's not my thing.

Living their life I felt hollow. I can only be myself.

I feel very isolated as a legacy of the past behaviour. Like I can't be myself with them. I feel like a split personality. The part I show them and the part I truly am.

They found out I was still seeing this guy (I had kept it secret as didn't want the hassle). Dad called me a liar. Every time I speak to him, he calls me a liar. Liar, he bellows. LIAR. I told him this evening on the phone that he Is abusive. A bully. That I could choose to go no contact.

i don't want to go NC. It doesn't feel right. But is there anyway I can facilitate them accepting me for me.

I feel broken.

Fucking hell.

Thanks if you've managed to read to the end x

OP posts:
Headagainstwall · 27/03/2015 22:08

I'm so sorry :(

They sound awful. Why don't you want to go NC? I don't know what you're getting out of this relationship.

neighbourhoodwitch · 27/03/2015 22:10

I'm so sorry too. cried reading your post. I'd ask the same as head. xx

lalalonglegs · 27/03/2015 22:13

I'm another wondering why you want to keep contact? I hope it's not because you think one day they will value or love you unconditionally. From what you've written,tthere's no evidence that that will ever happen Sad

Headagainstwall · 27/03/2015 22:15

And you don't owe them anything.

You might feel like you do, because this is what you're used to, but you don't. Even the house deposit. Fuck, they owe you more than a house.

Dailygraft123 · 27/03/2015 22:16

they are not bad people. They have nice bits too. They have been supportive. I do love my mum.

OP posts:
Dailygraft123 · 27/03/2015 22:18

I get confused sometimes. Like I am the one in the wrong... Like cutting them off would be cruel and it's an overreaction.

OP posts:
neighbourhoodwitch · 27/03/2015 22:22

so hard. they're still your parents, you have a history & feelings but they've been abusive. you cannot make them be more accepting of you; sadly.

cafesociety · 27/03/2015 22:23

They are lonely because they aren't nice people. They live their lives through you, and you are letting them do it/enabling them to continue.

They won't change as they don't see they do or say anything wrong.

So it's now up to you to change how you deal with them. They are rude and abusive to you so NC would be a great option [one that I would take], otherwise severely distance yourself.

You should not feel broken or feel you can't be yourself with them, but should be able to enjoy your own life with the person of your choice.

Put boundaries in place: don't be told what you can and can't do, and don't accept verbal abuse. The world won't stop if you don't have their approval. Learn about how Fear, Obligation and Guilt are stopping you from taking control of the situation.

They sound dreadful, judgmental, abusive, selfish and controlling...and thoroughly disinterested in you and what you want from life. So what would you lose by going NC? Don't worry about them, be concerned for your own mental health and what this is doing to your self esteem.

Dailygraft123 · 27/03/2015 22:25

Thank you. I'm reading what you say carefully.

When I saw my mum recently she started crying. She asked why I never introduce her to my friends. Why I am so secretive. It's just such an entrenched dynamic now... I had to protect myself. Allow myself to grow. I had to push them outt. I tried to explain to her. 5 minutes later she was telling me what sort of career I should be trying to achieve. She just doesn't get it.

OP posts:
Dailygraft123 · 27/03/2015 22:27

Cafe society. I think you are right. I have to stand up for myself. Be myself. Go no contact for a while. Perhaps they will learn from this and things might eventually be on a more even keel.

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 27/03/2015 22:28

They have treated you really badly and it seems they continue too.

NC is the only solution really, they aren't going to change and certainly never apologise for their grotesque treatment of you.

If NC forever sounds daunting, do it gradually. 2 weeks, see how you feel, then 3 weeks, whatever suits you. But I think you have to try it. You deserve to be you and respected for that. You sound lovely and in no way deserve that awful treatment.

LadyBlaBlah · 27/03/2015 22:31

X-post. But I'm pretty sure you have to go no contact for YOU, not in the hope it will force them to change, because they probably won't.

It's like a grieving process, coming to terms with the fact your parents will never be what you hope them to be. Sad as that is.

And it's nothing to do with you. It's entirely their problem. There is no justification for their abuse.

Joysmum · 27/03/2015 22:34

they are not bad people. They have nice bits too

If anyone treated someone I loved like this, there's no amount of 'nice bits' that would be enough to placate me. I'd be livid and would act to protect them.

Nice people don't do what they have done to you Sad

cafesociety · 27/03/2015 22:43

I feel for you as I have my own story to tell about emotional battering and disinterest. It's a tough one.

I think start small. Eg: If you are being verbally abused on the phone say calmly 'I'm going to end this conversation now because of the way you are talking to me, and I am putting the phone down now. Good bye'. And do it. Put the phone down. No if's or but's. No further conversation. Put the phone down. Go. Do not accept it. Do not feel guilty. Refuse to allow it to continue.

If they judge your boyfriend make a statement. 'I like him, he is kind and thoughtful. He makes me happy'. And repeat. Same phrase. Repeat again. Same phrase. Keep repeating until they hear you. Be you.

Take some time off, as suggested by a PP....bow out for a fortnight/3 weeks/ a month....and repeat if necessary if you can't do a full NC at the moment.

Itscurtainsforyou · 27/03/2015 22:45

OP they sound awful. I agree with pp - you need to reduce contact with them. When they start to become abusive can you either put down the phone or walk away? And tell them you'll see/speak to them when they treat you and your decisions with respect?

Also, can you give some thought to what you'd do differently with you life if they had no input? Life is too short to live for someone else. Reading your OP I just want you to sell up and move away without telling them (although that might be a bit extreme).

Like anyone who's been subject to abuse for years, I think you'd benefit from some counselling to try to come to terms with how they manipulate you and find a way forward.

Good luck

Dailygraft123 · 27/03/2015 22:52

I have just interviewed for another job and got offered it a couple of weeks ago. Moving to a different part of the country. With my DP. It's besutiful there. I think the life I always wanted maybe within reach.

It's half the salary. I'm going to rent out my house. Overall then I'll be on slightly more. No worse off. It's also a great position.

I want to be honest with them. But I know if I am, they will try and stop me.

I think, posting this tonight and reading all the replies, I'm going to accept the job and do it. Make that change.. I feel like finally I'm going to start living rather than just existing.

OP posts:
Dailygraft123 · 27/03/2015 22:53

I might tell them in 3 months. When it's a fact accompli.

OP posts:
cafesociety · 27/03/2015 23:01

Do not tell them now of your plans! Forge ahead with your own life, it's a great opportunity so go for it with bells on.

Enjoy the planning without any threats, negativity, criticisms and interfering, without doubts put into your head and being told how 'selfish' you are.

Yes, tell them when you are there [not before]. Put time and space between you. I hope it's quite a way away from them, you sound like it's all got too much for you. Time for you now.

pocketsaviour · 27/03/2015 23:12

I'm so sorry you were treated like this. No child deserves such a cruel and lonely upbringing.

I'm going to recommend a couple of books which I think you would find helpful:
If you had controlling parents
Toxic Parents

Also feel free to visit the But we took you to Stately Homes! thread where you will find many others who understand exactly how you feel - both the abuse, and the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt that keep drawing you back and making you want to please your parents. In your case, it might be titled "But we gave you a deposit for a house!"

Flowers

kavv0809 · 27/03/2015 23:16

What cafesociety said. I have my own story which I won't go into here, and I also found it quite final and dramatic to think about going nc. Not as easy as some suggest in my experience.

That being said, I found the most helpful things to be therapy where I caught on to what was going on, and then working out exactly what I was prepared to do or to tolerate in every situation, doing that and no more.

For example my relative would call the house phone. If unanswered they would keep ringing. One after the other call after call, fifty sixty in a row. No emergency just sheer bloody minded ness. Then it was an inquisition, where had I been? Pointing out the rudeness fell on deaf ears so I simply got rid of the house phone and it was the best thing I ever did. I decide when I visit, if I don't like how I'm being treated I say so calmly and then I leave.

I know they are not going to change. All I can control is how I react to them and do my best to protect myself. It's hard but you will get there.

Dailygraft123 · 27/03/2015 23:17

Thanks everyone. Hahaha pocketsaviour.... I think the thread on stately homes should be renamed. thats brilliant. Right. Minds made up. I've been umming and aaahing as to whether I should be honest about the move now. But I'm not going to tell them until later on.

Thanks all for all of your support. Wine and Flowers

OP posts:
Dailygraft123 · 27/03/2015 23:20

Pocketsaviour. Just read the reviews on Amazon for one of the bookes. Going to order it NOW!

OP posts:
SantiagoSky · 28/03/2015 11:49

I have a similar story. What helped a lot was to share as little information as possible and disengage as far as possible. Never contact them, and if they contact you just be polite and talk about the weather. I moved away, too.

I found this easier than not having contact at all.

paxtecum · 28/03/2015 13:07

Op: I have a DD about your age.
I get pangs of guilt because I smacked her bottom maybe 5 times when she was little and I yelled at her a few more times.

Your parents were horribly abusive to you.

Move away and enjoy your life.

If you don't move away you will be guilt tripped into caring for them in a few years time.

newnamesamegame · 28/03/2015 22:09

OP, they may not be intentionally bad people but they most certainly were abusive. Shockingly so.
Only you can decide whether going NC is the best course of action. But you certainly should not be expending time or emotional energy on making them accept you. They forfeited the right to your consideration with their behaviour.
Very sorry to hear you have been through this.

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