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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please tell me I did the right thing and offer advice on what to do next...

27 replies

shellistar · 23/05/2014 08:18

Last night my OH and I were watching TV and we heard some almighty crashes and bangs. We honestly thought it was coming from our bedroom. Realise it's next door so I go to the bathroom as the walls are thinner to see what the hell is going on!

It honestly sounded like the guy next door was beating his partner.

So I'm just about to rush round and break it up and offer her support when she comes frantically knocking on our door. We invite her in, she's in a right state. Crying her eyes out, eyes all swollen from the crying I hope and her knees are a mess. Swollen and scraped with massive bruises forming. Turns out he's grabbed her by her hair and dragged her along the room.

We sit her down, she accepts tissue, ice pack and water. We offer our phones so she can call someone but she's hysterical and can't think of the number for anyone. We say take your time, calm down and she tells us what's been going on.

Basically they've been together about a year and everything was fine until a terrible miscarriage around 5 months ago. Since then he's been abusive and this is not the first time. Admittedly we've heard rows before but never clearly enough to suspect it was anymore than just heated discussion and normal coupes stuff. Had I suspected that it was this bad I might have offered support earlier.

I suffered with an emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive man for years and I know that she's suffering from a classic case where it's escalated to physical abuse too. He's doing the traditional things like calling her family names, withholding money, owing her money, calling her names, goading her until she snaps and retaliates so she honestly thinks she is to blame. It honestly sounds like he's isolating her too.

She remembered the phone numbers but by this point it was too late, she'd rationalised it in her head. She couldn't call her dad cos it's his birthday today and he's 72 and "doesn't need to deal with this". She couldn't call her mum cos her mum hates her partner. We offered suggestions: 999 or 101 if she didn't feel up to the full on emergency call to the police. We suggested women's aid/refuge too. One thing I regret is not offering a lift to take her anywhere. After an hour she called down and went back home. We didn't really hear anything more. We have her our numbers and told her we'd leave our door unlocked for a couple of hours just in case. She was reluctant to do anything cos she didn't feel like she could afford to take time off from her job as she'd had quite a lot of time off for the miscarriage and, so it seems, previous incidents of abuse.

But we felt we had to report it. One of my biggest regrets was not reporting the abuse I suffered to the police and having an official record of it. I also regret not involving family, neighbours and friends until after I'd left as I left with zero support. With the recent news of ladies being killed by their abusive partners I didn't feel I could just leave it.

We called 101 and they listened and put us through to 999. They had to send someone out. The two police ladies didn't arrive until over an hour later at half 11 last night and we chatted with them and explained we didn't really know the lady, or even her name. The last we saw was them knocking on her door. We don't know if she allowed them in or even answered the door.

Sooooo here's my question. Did we do the right thing or should we have minded our own business with regards to calling the police. What should I do now? I was going to buy a nice card, write a note and give her our names and numbers again. Would this be ok or am I now crossing the line. I have no idea!!!

She seemed such a lovely, level headed, pretty girl and it just makes me sad. She said she'd leave but doesn't want to be alone.

I'm on my way to work so please bear with me if I get there early and am incommunicado! Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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shellistar · 23/05/2014 08:21

Called down = calmed down! I'm on my phone!

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TweedleDi · 23/05/2014 08:24

You did the right thing. Women have died for want of a phone call.

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Muskey · 23/05/2014 08:26

Hi I absolutely think you did the right thing. I think it was brave of you to get involved as all to often we close our eyes to things because we don't want to get involved or are afraid of the repercussions ( myself included in this). The way I look at it you would feel terrible if something happened to the lady. I don't know about sending a card etc as it might be crossing a line. You have given her help and she will know that you are there for her the rest as they say is up to her. Have a good day and try not to worry take care

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wrapsuperstar · 23/05/2014 08:29

Oh you absolutely did the right thing and you are kind, decent neighbours. I hope she is able to escape this horrific situation -- well done for doing your bit to stand with her.

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Trooperslane · 23/05/2014 08:29

You absolutely did the right thing op.

I'd like to think someone would do that for me if I needed it.

She may isolate herself from you because she feels mortified but still, in her heart of hearts she'll be glad you did someday soon.

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wrapsuperstar · 23/05/2014 08:29

Oh, I also thinking reaching out to her again (if it is safe, you wouldn't want her monster of a 'partner' finding it) is a lovely idea.

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shellistar · 23/05/2014 08:29

Thank you for your prompt responses :-)

I kind of agree Muskey but I really wasn't sure!

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AShadowStirsWithin · 23/05/2014 08:30

I wouldn't put a card through incase he sees it, you live next door and if she wants support from you she will knock on your door. You must remember yourself that when you're in it, you can't take on board getting support from police, WA etc until you are ready. If you keep trying to talk to her or put notes through door you are likely to panic her. All you can do now is watch and wait. Any sign of him kicking off again call 999. Every single time. That's all you can do. I've been doing it for months with a lady on my street. She still denies the abuse when the police turn up but she has recently made a few attempts to kick him out. He comes back again a week later bt I feel like the act of calling the police every time has reinforced to her that this isn't ok and that she's getting closer to getting rid of him for good.

I know it's hard, but you can only help people when they are ready to be helped.

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shellistar · 23/05/2014 08:31

Plus I'm EXHAUSTED!!! Spent all night with one ear and eye open in case he came back and started on her again. I'm not thinking rationally, hence my need for advice

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/05/2014 08:38

I think you did the right thing. Aside from the immediate danger which sounds horrific, the man she's with needs to know that he's not acting in a bubble, he's not above the law and that others are watching him & looking out for her. If you'd seen a woman attacked in the street you'd have done the same thing, quite rightly.

Definitely call them again at the first hint of more trouble.

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RedRoom · 23/05/2014 08:40

You did the right thing.

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Helpys · 23/05/2014 08:47

You did the right thing. It's hard though.
Flowers

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akaWisey · 23/05/2014 08:49

You've done the right thing. I had to do it too, once. Never regretted it. I'd want someone to do the same for me Smile

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BosieDufflecoat · 23/05/2014 09:06

You're a star.

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shellistar · 23/05/2014 09:07

Hi, thank you for your replies.

Slight update: My OH spoke to the police today and they said that they managed to gain access last night and spoke to her. They have deemed it a domestic abuse case and referred it to that department. Late last night we did hear a door going on our corridor (we're in apartments) and my OH saw a taxi drive off a little later with a lady in it so it seems she has gone somewhere. It is her apartment and it sounds like she pays for everything so I don't think it will create a financial hardship for her if he goes and at least she has somewhere, IYKWIM?

I'll knock on in a couple of days and see how she is, I'll not post a card as I don't want to seem pushy or intrusive, especially seeing as I called the police. I am really glad I did and I hope that one day she can see that we meant well.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/05/2014 09:12

You could pop a card through but sign it 'a friend' until you can go round. She'd know it was you that way.

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oldgrandmama · 23/05/2014 09:15

You so did the right thing. Wish more people were like you, OP. But you don't know if the abuser is still around the place, so don't put a card through with your contact details, as this might cause him to hassle you.

I hope the girl is OK. Poor thing.

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Smiler1972 · 23/05/2014 12:21

100% the right thing. My ex was emotionally abusive and ended in violence in Nov last year. He beat me and threw me out into the street (at his property) then continued to throw things at me and called my sister.
His neighbours witnessed the whole thing, not one of them came to my aid and watched for 20 minutes. I will never forgive them for it. Luckily I don't have to ever see them again.

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shellistar · 23/05/2014 13:19

Oh my god Smiler that is fucking horrific!

How can people be so uncaring?!?

I'd actually be embarrassed to walk up the street I lived on with my ex. The neighbors MUST have known. Sometimes if I am ever in that general area I prep myself just in case I see his family or friends. It is a horrible feeling, knowing I didn't do anything wrong but that no one cared.

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lunar1 · 23/05/2014 13:28

You did the right thing.

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Smiler1972 · 23/05/2014 14:39

shelistar thanks! still shocks me that a few days after one of them text me to see how I was. She didn't get a reply!

It's awful isn't it, I scan everywhere I go, like a madwoman checking every car in the car park!

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eddielizzard · 23/05/2014 14:42

you absolutely did the right thing. don't even question it. he assaulted her and broke the law.

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shellistar · 23/05/2014 15:01

Smiler Yep, I do the scanning thing too. I had to sign something in our old home village last bank holiday weekend and I swear my BP was double with the anxiety of it all.

Eddie, I'd not thought of it in those terms. If you saw someone getting dragged by their hair in the street you'd immediately call the police. Behind closed doors you're always anxious that you're doing the right thing. Its the same bloody thing regardless of who is involved and the setting. Thank you for putting it into perspective!

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AnyFucker · 23/05/2014 17:35

Wow, what a great (and rather rare) neighbour you are.

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Timeandtune · 23/05/2014 17:43

Well done. That was the right thing to do.

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