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Think I'm losing interest in my fiancé

(61 Posts)

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Dereklovesdougie Mon 24-Mar-14 07:59:03

Dp and I met when he was going through a host of issues and a crap set of circumstances. As a result, despite me falling head over heels with him, unknowingly to me he was simply pissing me about. Was still on dating sites and sex hook up sites 7 months after we'd agreed to go exclusive and after I had introduced him to my children etc. I was mortified and so cut up about it and I'm all honesty, despite us staying together I don't think I ever really felt the same about him after that.

That's the background anyway, more recently, he proposed to me on valentines day but only because I was getting at him about his lack of commitment. We're supposed to be getting married next year and he has shown very little interest in the wedding plans ( but that's men apparently?) . We argue all the time because we both have different ways about us. I see an issue and like to talk about it or I look forward to an upcoming event and like to talk about it. He doesn't and this has lead to a number of subjects becoming "dodgy ground" meaning if I mention them, I run the risk of a massive argument. Some of these subjects are important, money for example. We can't discuss money as it just ends in a massive shit short. He loses his temper so easily and takes everything I say so personally that it becomes impossible to have a rational discussion with him.

There's other stuff. He has two teenage boys who come every Saturday and they do not talk. In the years I've known dp I've honestly never heard the boys address each other. It's an awkward atmosphere and leaves me feeling extremely uncomfortable in my own house. Before I met dp I used to have every other Saturday night child free - now we never get a weekend child free and not only that but he refuses to go for a night out whilst his kids are here (although is fine with leaving my kids home alone at 13 and 15. This means we never go out on a weekend.

He moans all the time, either about feeling ill, my son's behaviour, housework ... There is always something.

Yesterday I'd been on a 13 hour shift and a bad one at that. I came home and he'd made me a lovely casserole :-) he then proceeds to tell me that his mum has been clearing her garage out ready to move and so all the photos that she had in her small bedroom are now in our garage. This includes all his previous wedding photos. Nice. Remind me never to go in my own garage. Oh and he then starts going on and on about my son's behaviour as he'd been cheeky. Great to come home to after 13 hours of stoma disasters, dying patients and stressed out sniping staff.

I feel like I'm getting less and less interested in him. I get excited at the thought of buying my own little house and doing as I please with it. Having my own money and just being able to chill out. tHis is the first time I've felt like this not on the back of a argument.

plantsitter Mon 24-Mar-14 08:06:02

Read your own post. Pretend you're not you. What would you say to someone who had just got engaged and was fantasising not about their amazing wedding day but getting a little house and being free?

then do that. I know what I would do.

eddielizzard Mon 24-Mar-14 08:08:30

i can't see anything redeeming about this relationship. and you want to sign up a lifetime of this?

divorces are yucky, painful things. you shouldn't be going into a marriage with anything other than a feeling of 100% looking forward to it.

akaWisey Mon 24-Mar-14 08:08:43

my advice is to do what you've said in your last para:

I get excited at the thought of buying my own little house and doing as I please with it. Having my own money and just being able to chill out

It's a no-brainer really. smile

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 24-Mar-14 08:17:28

Seriously op your forcing a square peg through a round hole, you two have nothing in common at all. You seem to have been sleep walking through this relationship and ill say that word loosely, as you have now woken up. Neither of you are interested in the other cut him lose I can't imagine what your dc think of him, he seems to suck the joy out of everything.

breaking2bad Mon 24-Mar-14 08:18:42

Whilst marriage isn't a guarantee of happiness, divorce is extremely stressful and expensive to get out of.

The prospect of marriage and spending your life with this man is meant to be exciting and you clearly are not.

I think you talk to him openly and honestly and then take it from there. I know what it's like to love someone and hope they can change, be fearful of letting them go etc, but sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do for self preservation.

Hassled Mon 24-Mar-14 08:21:29

This is meant to be the good bit, remember - this is you in love's first flush, all happy and blissed out. But you're completely bloody miserable, and no wonder. Get that stress free house for you and your kids - it has to be better.

Joysmum Mon 24-Mar-14 09:19:40

Don't marry him until you are happy your relationship is actually what you want your marriage to be.

tribpot Mon 24-Mar-14 09:29:26

he seems to suck the joy out of everything.

Totally agree. You only have a few years left living with your kids, why not enjoy them - and life - to the fullest extent possible?

It was over when you found him on sex hookup sites months after you were a couple, but I think you've been desperately trying to shore up the relationship through fear of - what? Having made a mistake?

Buy your little house and breathe deeply.

Why are you still together at all given all that has happened?.

This was truly dead in the water months ago but for reasons known only to yourself you have continued. Now thankfully you are finally waking up to the reality of the situation.

I would also suggest you have counselling for your own self once you are rid of this man and never put yourself into such a dreadful position ever again. Your relationship radar needs a total reset before you date again.

This man has been a crap partner to you and would be also completely useless as a stepfather to your own son. Marrying this man would be the biggest error of judgment you've ever made if you were daft enough to do so.

Bin this man now and buy your own little house; you and your son deserve far better in life.

AuroraSim Mon 24-Mar-14 09:40:23

Do it. Buy the house, take your boys and run fast and far! I think this man is taking you for a ride still.

Good luck and find happiness x

Handywoman Mon 24-Mar-14 09:40:43

OMG please get out of this 'relationship' I cannot see a single redeeming feature.

tribpot Mon 24-Mar-14 09:42:15

Well, there's the casserole, Handywoman confused

Oh my.

Run for the hills.

I am not sure why you accepted his proposal of marriage - get that little house and take a deep breath of relief, then hug your boys and live your life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Mar-14 09:44:09

"he proposed to me on valentines day but only because I was getting at him about his lack of commitment"

That sounds like someone who just says whatever pops into his head in order to stay in the game. The other stuff you describe shrieks 'miserable bastard'. Buy that little house you want and kiss goodbye to the hassle. (Get a dog... at least they're pleased to see you when you come home smile )

deste Mon 24-Mar-14 09:44:29

Put the ring back in the box and next time he is nasty hand it to him and tell him you don't need it anymore. You know what I wouldn't even wait.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Mar-14 09:45:58

Eh ? Why do you want to marry this tool?

Listen to yourself, for god's sake

lovecocopops Mon 24-Mar-14 09:46:09

I can see why you have lost interest in him. Based on what you say, I definitely think you should be ending it. if you do go through with it, please ensure that you are protected as much as possible legally. I don't think the marriage would last and you don't want to end up paying him to get out of it. I think you should go to a solicitor before you get married to find out what would happen if you did split up (or better still kick him to the kerb).

MatryoshkaDoll Mon 24-Mar-14 09:49:13

Not surprised you've lost interest. As pp said; he sounds like a joy vacuum.

Imagine what being married to him would be like. More of the same - FUN!

Do you really want to hitch your wagon to this wanker? Is he really the best you can do? I doubt it.

scornedwoman67 Mon 24-Mar-14 09:51:03

Don't marry him. You're far too good for him. It's very simple flowers

Helltotheno Mon 24-Mar-14 10:00:41

You have a window to escape this situation pretty much scot-free and with no baggage OP. Imo, you'd be an absolute fool not to take advantage of it.

Dereklovesdougie Mon 24-Mar-14 10:07:30

Thanks for the advice. I suppose I'm clinging onto it because I don't want to mess my kids about again, we only moved into this house in July last year. I think the straw that broke the camels back was that yesterday I was at work and in the staff room all my colleagues were going on about their dogs, comparing stories and photos etc. dip won't let me have one, won't even discuss it despite saying before we moved here that he'd be happy for me to get one. I know it sounds like a petty issue but I want a dog more than anything and I resent him for not letting me get one and you know what really pisses me off? Now we have photos in the garage of his previous marriage, his ex wife, his happy wedding and their fucking dog.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Mar-14 10:08:29

Get the dog, dump the bloke

Branleuse Mon 24-Mar-14 10:10:05

dump him

Dahlen Mon 24-Mar-14 10:11:58

I can understanding you feeling as though you don't want to "fail" at another relationship, but the true failure would be failure to put you and your DC's emotional needs higher up the scale than staying in an unhealthy relationship and pretending that all is well. That will be way more damaging to them.

This relationship is over in every way that matters. It's just a case of making it official. Best of luck. flowers

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