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Is this financial abuse or am i reading it wrong.

(44 Posts)
Darkesteyes Sat 13-Jul-13 00:38:15

I know it seems like neither of them are badly off but shes contributing by staying home to look after children so that he can/could push forward in his career but something about it still says financial abuse to me.
What do other MNers think?

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/jul/12/money-biggest-taboo-relationship

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sat 13-Jul-13 00:58:56

If he was financially abusing me and then decided to write about it, it might be the thing that finally made me LTB grin.

On balance I think you're probably jumping to conclusions.

OhTiger Sat 13-Jul-13 01:05:49

Maybe she should present a bill for his laundry, housekeeping, 50% of childcare etc. Then she would have more disposable income than him, and could play the big 'I am' with all the important decisions. Hope she reads that.

Lweji Sat 13-Jul-13 01:06:37

He may be surprised how it would work out if they divorced.

It's not good that she argues for a fairer split of the income and he argues that she has more power at home...

I wonder who pays for cleaners and (paid?) for childcare.

I used to earn a lot more than exH and we had one pot, just separate savings.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 13-Jul-13 01:12:20

I think she should get some counselling from Xenia.

wordyBird Sat 13-Jul-13 01:38:40

Hmm, well I'd only say there's a problem there. Something isn't right.

The wife's voice is telling us a lot. She feels he has more power, that she feels infantilised, and mentions sexism. But he ducks out of the argument by saying 'some level of inequality is inevitable' (it's not) and that it's archaic to have joint finances (very convenient argument, but false. What's wrong with joint and individual accounts, anyway? There's no either/or.)

He says he tends to have the last say about large expenditure because he earns more. But in the happy marriages I know of, the husband wants to please the wife, and vice versa: level of income doesn't enter the equation! confused

He also says that he personally thinks generosity of spirit and faith in the other person is the solution. It sounds good, but how does that translate in reality? His wife isn't happy. What's her solution? I think she should write a column from her perspective.

garlicsmutty Sat 13-Jul-13 01:39:40

"I think the main solution is generosity of spirit and faith in the other person." Tim Lott says he may be falling short in both departments. It doesn't sounds as though he thinks he is, but I do. He's made the classic mistake of valuing Wifework at £0 - a mistake made almost exclusively by men whose partners do this work.

Mr Lott, you should price up the cost of employing people to do everything your wife does for you and your family. Not only housework, childcare, laundry, etc, but also chauffeuring, arranging repairs, keeping insurances up to date, remembering your parents' birthdays ... all that. In fact, read Susan Mauhaus's Wifework, then come back and run those pusillanimous justifications for your sense of superiority by us again.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 13-Jul-13 11:28:32

I don't understand. He is a writer. She is a lecturer. How does HER job enable her to be at home more?

Bogeyface Sat 13-Jul-13 11:41:33

She works part time Ton

Its disgraceful that he places absolutely no value on her work in the home, and basically says that her payment is doing the work in the home! So, she should do it for the love of it?

Fuck that!

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 13-Jul-13 11:44:07

Yes I know. I just think it odd that the writer COULD work at home some of the time whereas his wife NEEDS to get out to a workplace some of the time. That he thinks it is still HER domain and responsibility indicates what a sexist prick he is.

Bogeyface Sat 13-Jul-13 11:47:13

I wonder if he is that type of writer that hangs around coffee shops all day tapping away on his laptop hmm

He sounds like an asshole either way.

TheCrackFox Sat 13-Jul-13 11:55:51

She should go full time and make him do 50% of the childcare and housework. Never become a SAHM or pt worker if you are married to a sexist, lazy arse (which he clearly is).

Bogeyface Sat 13-Jul-13 11:59:38

I suspect that this article, that he probably didnt give much thought to, will come back and bite him on the arse! He clearly thinks he is right, the way he comes across is that he is writing the bleeding obvious and that everyone will agree that his wife a whinger who is lucky that he gives her anything at all. Sadly for him, the comments on the article have already proved him wrong!

cantreachmytoes Sat 13-Jul-13 11:59:39

I don't know if it fully qualifies as financial abuse, because I don't know exactly where the lines are.

Regardless though, why would he be happy letting his wife feel this way for so long (it's obviously not a few months)? What's wrong with her having the last word on a holiday??! If she was suddenly paid more than him, would he think it right that by his own logic he would relinquish his authority and she would get the last word?

Totally agree that he needs to cost out the work she does - all of it - in the home. If not, she should hand him a bill. If he refuses to pay, she then refuses to continue the household duties (and to hell with worrying about the cashmere jumpers - charge him for replacement, he won't shrink a second!).

I do wonder too what he thinks about people who do voluntary work in difficult situations to benefit their and others' communities. Are their voices worth less than his because he's paid to sit at a desk punching words out?

I hope she writes a column too - and is paid more than him for it!

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 13-Jul-13 12:06:01

Urgh. That comment about not being able to do the washing properly - deliberate tactic by men to get out of their responsibilities. If you are able-bodied and can write a novel, you can turn on a washing machine.

Longdistance Sat 13-Jul-13 12:08:33

With all that money, you'd think he'd be able to get a decent jumper grin

Anyway, I think he's a sexist pig, and he can fuck the fuck off to Specsavers whilst he's at it!

vintagecakeisstillnice Sat 13-Jul-13 12:09:01

He's an arse, even my emotional obtuse OH read it and said what an arse.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 13-Jul-13 12:22:11

I hope it does bite him on the arse. The overwhelming majority of fiction consumers are women aged 30+ - I for one will never read or buy one of his novels now.

Yuk.

DH have a similar set-up to the couple in the article in that DH earns a lot for working full-time whereas I'm currently pt on a comparative pittance. But there the similarity ends as DH isn't a sexist arse. He wouldn't dream of thinking that he had 'final say' over large purchases.

Treague Sat 13-Jul-13 12:31:07

As soon as he got into the details of why he doesn't do his laundry, I labelled him a MASSIVE ARSEHOLE.
I cannot believe he is so blind as to actually write a paragraph on how he, an educated person with full use of his faculties, 'cannot' do basic laundry. Tim, do you think for one second that anyone believes you? Do you think your wife believes you and tolerates your de facto refusal to learn how to do it? You, sir, are an arse.

MrsFlorrick Sat 13-Jul-13 12:33:21

Oh dear! I read the linked article. That man is an utter wanker!

His wife works part time so he can work full time and enhance his career. And she looks after the home and has a job but he doesn't feel they should share the expenses of the household proportionally. And keeps lions share of spending money??!!!

And "merging finances" is "old fashioned". shock

I posted on here a couple of months ago as DH and I had issues. We are working on these and have resolved many.

But never ever would DH decided on a family holiday or anything else because he earns the money. In fact he lets me have final call on holidays and large item expenditures.
His view is that I put the research in holidays. And when it came to refurbishing our house and putting new kitchen and two new bathrooms in, I made all the decisions. (Ok I am known to have excellent taste but still).

I cannot believe this man. He actually lords it over his wife and rubs her face in the fact his career is more successful and he earns more.

HandMini Sat 13-Jul-13 12:55:29

Such a dick.

I don't understand how he can dismiss the entire idea of merging finances just by saying "it's archaic". WTF? It's practical, equalising and would stop you stamping your authority over every decision.

The laundry comment made me rage.

This is just a rehash of the shit that Toby Young spewed out in the Telegraph a few months back.

Men don't stay at home and do the house/ family work because its low status, often boring and doesnt have direct financial / kudos rewards. I'd have way more respect for them if they admitted it.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Sat 13-Jul-13 12:56:36

TheCrackFox Sat 13-Jul-13 11:55:51
She should go full time and make him do 50% of the childcare and housework. Never become a SAHM or pt worker if you are married to a sexist, lazy arse (which he clearly is).

^^

Better yet, ship all sexist arses off to an island with an iron and a board. >Unhelpful, but satisfying image<

This guy sounds like he bullies his wife enormously. sad Even his smug starting comment about 'how she NEVER wanted this published... But I won HAHAHA!!!!11!!'

Hope ever single word - Including his attitude to his wife - Bites him in his ugly arse!!!

Wuldric Sat 13-Jul-13 13:02:04

How unlikely for the Guardian to be employing this sort of chap as a columnist. Surely he should be writing for the Daily Mail?

TheCrackFox Sat 13-Jul-13 13:03:42

I hope his wife reads his article and finally realises that she could do so much better in life without being shackled to a sexist tosser. He clearly feels he is superior to his wife - I would find that more upsetting than the money and laziness TBH.

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