Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
29 year age gap - can a relationship work? Also...'bedroom advice' please!(123 Posts)
I've been seeing a man who is 29 years older than me, for about 6 months now.
We've discussed the possibility of a proper future between us and he seems keen; as am I, but he keeps saying although the age gap doesn't matter to him, he's worried that as I get into my 40s and "hit their prime and become sexier" (his words, he says it happens to all women), it will cause problems as he will be (again, in his own words) "a geriatric".
He keeps himself fit; lots of walking/hiking, jujitsu, has a young outlook on life and has no health problems as yet - whereas I have a dodgy back/shoulders, my mum was signed off work permanently at the age of just 42 due to rheumatoid arthritis and she also has so many health issues; it's likely I'll 'degenerate' before him!
Can a relationship work with such an age difference? If you saw a 31 year old woman with a 60 year old man would you think that was weird? Worth more than just the first glance, that kind of thing.
He's quite 'hippy dippy' (for want of a better phrase) and dresses in combats, baggyish jeans with a shirt and hoodies, but it suits him.
So not like he's dressing or acting his age.
My second question is the sex.
I don't want to stereotype, but I've always been with men my own age (and not many of them either).
We have had sex once, but he calls it making love and is very into pleasing me first, very touchy feely and takes it slow and lovingly, whereas my past exes (there have only been 2 of them) have been quite fast and furious - not all the time, but I do enjoy that sometimes.
I enjoy 'giving' rather than receiving (you know?) but no idea whether he's into 'those' as he hasn't said and I have no idea how - or even whether to - ask him, same goes for umm...sorry but I need to ask - anal? I have done it and enjoy it...I'm guessing he may not (he has said he's been fairly traditional and not tried tying up/being tied up, dressing up etc but would be willing to try most things).
I don't want to come across as some nympho and scare him to death but he doesn't seem totally at ease using the more crude words to describe the acts I want to indulge in, so I feel quite awkward in knowing how to ask what he likes or would be willing to try.
This is a genuine post, honest - so any answers appreciated
Oh God, argument in thread! What to do...what to do...!?
FWIW (and I did say this....I think, maybe I forgot to press 'post'), I cracked up laughing at the Marmite Tower post - the way AF typed that whole comment appealed to my sense of humour and I genuinely wasn't offended.
I haven't been offended or upset by anything anyone has said; it's not RL after all but more importantly than that, I'm genuinely thinking that I wasn't meant to fall for this guy; when I first started talking to him I noticed 'something' about him, but it wasn't an attraction in the physical sense or me thinking I wanted to be with him from then on.
We met up properly about a week after we first met and I felt so relaxed and comfortable, as did he; it was like we'd known each other years and since then, the conversation has flowed and we talk about anything and everything; it just feels natural.
But it seems mad to me, lol - good mad, but still insane that there I was just happily bringing my daughters up and genuinely not expecting or looking for a man...then I meet one that knocks me sideways without me realising - and all of a sudden it feels...well just...'right'. He says the same - last thing he was expecting was to feel this way about someone so much younger.
All the advice has helped me immensely - whether it's comments about Pensioners liking Marmite ( ) or the more serious ones with experiences on either side of the AGR fence.
id keep going out with him, but i wouldnt live together. Keep your distance so you dont end up someones live in carer, but enjoy the connection and love etc. Keep it special, keep a bit of distance
You will be fine, if you hang onto that soh
You don't have to have a big age difference to end up as someone's carer. I married a very fit and lovely man who was only five years older then me. In his forties, he suffered a very bad accident and became disabled. He can now hardly walk and struggles every day. I have also become very ill and so we are now in our fifties with the health issues of people years older.
I'm going to be blunt and say that if you have concerns about sexual variety, I think you will be in for years of disappointment , down the line. IME, having been with one man for 23 years, they do not age well sexually beyond a certain point, and if he is 60 he is likely be getting to a stage when penetrating anything will be an issue soon, if it isn't already.
onefewernow no see this is the thing; it's obviously an issue because I mentioned it, so it just be on my mind - but I can - honestly and truthfully - live without sex. As pathetic as that sounds at my age, I can.
We had another bit of a talk last night, he brought up what I'd hinted at the other night and said he wasn't sure he could give me what I wanted, but then he said he'd be willing to try and see if he liked other stuff - I think he thought (same as everyone on this thread) that I was some insatiable, kinky nympho but honestly, I'm not.
He's given me enough variety - not going into details but it wasn't just missionary so even that slight variety is enough for me.
I suppose it's more if he wanted to try more, whether he'd say so and if not, should I keep giving him the opportunities to try more (and the, how do I do that without possibly freaking him out or looking like I'm sex-mad).
That probably makes no sense either, does it
As men age, and over 50-60, their testosterone levels drop year on year. They are still fertile, but the height of their erections decrease and so does the level of firmness. They also lose their spontaneous morning erections, think about sex less, and want it less often. They are often conflicted in coming to terms with thus, as men are so defined by their sexuality.
But there it is. They often deny it us the case, but the research is there, and anyway it's common knowledge. So , you should be warned!
If you want to create a long term relationship with him, you need to take that factor into account, but it sounds like you have. Good luck.
Thirty years is a big gap, ok now, problematic later.
As for sex talk you have to be open and honest, and if it isnt clicking, move on. If you want anal- ask for it.
But he's so much older than you. And you are already having doubts about sexual compatibility. AF (you are the funniest!) I don't know. It would have to be feel totally wonderfully right in other ways for me to think it was worth pursuing. Good luck with whatever you decide.
I suppose there's always viagra if things stop responding as well.
I don't like to butter up things, so I will just say what I think...
Well, it might end up working too...But, I am personally not sure. Coz if he is too traditional, it will show up in other things than sex. Like as in you may like to wear whatever you like and hangout and party, and he may not like it, and stuff...
My parents are like that. My dad was brought up to traditionally and mom was not. SO dad yells at mom if she comes home late from office even coz of a meeting or something, and this, and many more things where dad needed his way done, lead to the breaking of their relationship....
Hmm... I think its going to be ok for about four or five years, but when you two will get used to each other, then it might go bad. Like as in, when you are new in love, you tend to ignore each other's bad sides. But when that love becomes a bit old, the bad sides begins to nag you. And this part is what leads to most divorces and break-ups...
But from what you told, it feels like you would be frustrated over time with unsatisfied sexual desires... And that can be very dangerous. It can, bring a slow accumulation of 'why did I have this fate' kind of feeling... This can lead to the cracks in your relationship.
So, my advise is... either enjoy it till it is good and new not expecting for much more, or reconsider now...
But still, there is the big possibility that what I said wont be true in your case and it might actually end up working. (I was grown up in an environment where my parents fought all the time, so i believe all love ware off in some time... Which is true, I guess)
I always think of Sex in the City scene where Samantha bolts after seeing the saggy arse of her older lover walking away from the bed when reading threads like this.
I always think "What was that new poster searching for when she decided to resurrect an old thread about anal sex"..........
I've always been attracted to older men. All my major relationships and flings have been with them. To begin with the sex was always good, (perhaps they were all thanking lucky stars they'd found an amazingly young pretty woman) but it tailed off with all of them except exh, but then only a 6 yr gap there. I never realised I had a high sex drive, but you notice it when it becomes a once a month job and its a cause of a lot of resentment. Imo It's a telling sign if an older men says sex isn't that important. Well it's not the most important but its one very important factor for me. At mid 30s I'm not prepared to give it up. This became a massive deal with one guy I was seeing 12 yrs older & another 16 yrs older.
Okay- my twopenneth worth...
forget all the touchy feely stuff, just some facts ( and yes, there are exceptions.)
The reality- age expectation for men of his generation ( and mine!) is about 80 years. He might get longer, who knows.
The stark reality is that looking at stats, you are likely to be alone from your mid 50s, and maybe even acting as his carer for some years preceding that.
This might be something that doesn't bother you.
Re. sex, again, all men are different. There is some recent research that shows that men in their 80s are having sex still and are capable of it.
On the other hand, men's ability to have erections does diminish from their mid 60s if not before.
It's one matter imo when couples face this together- women often have problems with sex once they hit menopause unless they use HRT for dryness etc, so if a couple are roughly the same age they are both facing these things together.
I had a long relationship with a man 15 years older. That was okay but it still concerned me that when I'd have been 55 he'd be 70.
In your case, it all depends on what you can cope with. If you are a live for the moment person then keep going with this man but if it's something that is always going to play on your mind, then maybe you are better ending it now.
Sorry if this is not what you want to hear.
I have never had a relationship with someone so much older and wouldn't want to. I look at my FIL and MIL, both 80 years old with breathing difficulties, rhumatoid arthritis and many other health issues. They are lovely people but spend the majority of their lives now at the doctors and the hospital. I am in my 50s and look after my mum, nearly 80. My mum was still active at 75, but a fall has stopped that. I know health issues can happen at any age, and if you're both having fun, then go for it, but long term, no.
A few more thoughts.
I have a friend who has married someone 20 years older. You can see the difference in age even though he is clearly a fit 70 yr old.
IMO this is what I think- based on friends, colleagues etc, and what I've seen work and not work.
- up to 10 years difference - either sex- not even worth worrying over.
-10-15 years difference - as above most of the time.
-15-20 years difference- needs a little bit of thought re. shared values and life experiences, and expectations ie children together.
-20-25 years difference- getting into dodgy territory re. age related illness, life expectancy etc, new family - ie children together.
-30 years difference- generally not a great idea and some stark realism needed re. 50 yr old woman and 80 yr old man.
ZOMBIE THREAD! (About Janny love !
Will an age gap relationship work? Well of course it can work - many people's do. Whether your own relationship will work depends on the two individuals involved, and no-one can predict that.
You write He keeps himself fit; lots of walking/hiking, jujitsu, has a young outlook on life and has no health problems as yet - whereas I have a dodgy back/shoulders, my mum was signed off work permanently at the age of just 42 due to rheumatoid arthritis and she also has so many health issues; it's likely I'll 'degenerate' before him
Its as if you are trying to make yourself more similar to him by emphasising your health problems. Perhaps this is the way your relationship will go. Generally, some men slow down as they get older, and you sound as though you subconsciously realise this, and are getting in the mood.
If you get on well, I don't see the problem. Asking strangers how to introduce the concept of anal sex to a man you have had sex with once is odd. Why would you be thinking about specifically anal right now when you have only had sex once?
Likewise when you say how he described his previous long term marriage, it is slightly odd the way you describe it. You sound as if you barely know him.
You will have to be aware of all the issues involving dating a much older man - particularly the liklihood that you will be expected to be his carer one day. On the positive side, you probably don't have to worry that much about him running off with a younger woman, or keeping him attracted - he must be counting his lucky stars that he has attracted a much, much younger woman. I also doubt there will be a lot of female competition for him, compared to a younger man.
60 isn't old these days for a man or woman if they look after themselves.
But I agree with the previous poster than you seem rather negative about your own health at such a young age ( if you have a dodgy back and shoulders get some physio/work done and sort it if that's possible), and appear to be trying to 'blend' with his age rather than enjoy your youth! You almost seem to be predicting that you too , like your Mum, will start to disintegrate in your early 40s!
It's a bit odd that you are saying already that you could live without sex. Living without sex at 31 might seem fine in theory but if you had 20 years or more of a sexless relationship then you might think rather differently.
I'm now in a sort of relationship with a guy who is 29 years my senior (I'm 36, he's 65). I never expected to fall for him, but it just happened. He pressed the right bottons over and over again until I just couldn't resist him. We are together fighting for a cause in our community and it has been like in the movies, really. If he didn't have family issues, I would definitely stay with him. The thing is that I am exactly as old as his older daughter, and I guess that freaks him out (why didn't he think of that before pressing all the right bottons?? we'll never now... but well). He also is very into his friends and community and he seems not to be ready to face public scrutiny, so we are not officially a couple. We get along super well, we have fun, we laugh a lot--we really make each other laugh--, we have arguments, too, but even arguing with him is fun. He is very intelligent and raised all of his kids alone so has this very special sensitivity that I love. He surprises me and is always willing to do all the crazy stuff I propose (I'm a writer, so I invent all of these stories that he follows, and invent situations and suggest original things to do).
I really usually forget about the age gap. He gets tired though, through the day, and takes a nap, with which I'm OK. He goes to the gym and has some health issues, but nothing that really gets in the way.
Regarding sex, there has been no penetration, but because I haven't wanted it. If he is not sure about the whole thing, I think it's unfair to me to jump into sex, because then I'll fall for him heavily and perhaps he'll dump me later because he can't truly deal with the age gap. We have done plenty of other stuff though and it's been super fun, I can't complain. Therefore, if one day erections aren't at hand (lol), there's still "plenty of other stuff" that can be very satisfactorily done... so I wouldn't worry that much about the sex part, as long as both of you are OK with exploring other options and being creative in a nice way about it.
The clue, at the end, is communication and love. If you want to make him happy and he wants to make you happy in all sorts of things (sex included), it sounds pretty good to me. The point is figuring out if one is or is not in that case and you have to figure that out in any kind of relationship, with age gap or without it.
I will probably not stay with this guy not because I don't love him, because I sure do love him, but because he's having problems dealing with the age gap and is taking his time and I am getting tired. However, if he's able to surmount this issue, I would definitely consider staying with him. When you've been looking for a nice guy for a long time and all of a sudden life throws at you the less expected man that you don't know how fits you, you have to give the guy a chance. Nobody is rushing into marriage, it's just about giving it a try. If you (or I, for that matter, or any of them) get bored, you (or I or them...) can call it off any time.
I hope thinks work the best way for you (whatever way that is)!
I think if you are passed your 20s and mature enough even if you in your early 30s I think it can work. You should just be prepared that you will likely to be his carer but if you truly love each other then it comes with sickness and health. Also I think people with an age gap need to be prepared that people will always have their opinion and its up to you to accept it and that you will find who your true friends really are. I was with an older man in the bedroom who was in his late 60s and their was a significant age gap and all I could say it was rather strange in my opinion. I think as long as you are passed your 20s and mature enough which you are their is no reason why it shouldn't work if you truly love each other. Best of luck I hope you two are still together.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.