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Dating a man with no money, job, car...would you?

(60 Posts)
ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 07:51:55

I would really appreciate opinions on this.

I have been single for the past five years and have settled into single parenthood quite happily. Apart from a brief wobble about things last year I feel quite happy not to bother in future with relationships. I am in my forties and feel its quite okay to say that for now a relationship is not what I wanted or needed.

However, last year during my brief wobble I exchanged emails with a widower in his fifties who seemed nice and we got on great by email but it fizzled out and tbh I didn't think more about it. About six weeks ago I got an email from him just asking how I was and so I replied and we have been happily chatting ever since via email. It has progressed to an arranged meeting for lunch although I have said its not a great time for me at the moment to embark in a relationship. He seems really really nice though and if I am honest there is a small part of me which thinks a relationship might be nice.
He has spoken with lots of love about his family, his sadness at the death of his wife at a young age and how awful her illness was in terms of what it did to her, he says he nursed her at home but said it was no hardship because he loved her. As I say, he comes across as a really nice man.

However, my concerns...

He is not in work...gets a small pension from a past job.....been out of work for the past 20 years but obviously some of that has been taken up with being a parent.
Has older children (late teens and early twenties) are still living at home and from our emails I know they have struggled after the death of their Mum and the older ones have had prison sentences for various matters.
He says he is lonely which I can understand....I guess a few years ago he was busy with his children and now they are growing up.
He doesn't drive.

Would these issues put you off?

I personally like to think I am above material stuff....and tbh the "no money" thing doesn't bother me. However, something about what he says makes me picture a chaotic lifestyle and am a bit wary. My friends (the ones I trust to share this with) are saying "no no no....too much baggage" but surely everyone deserves a chance. As I say it's only lunch and at present as far as he is aware I cannot commit to anything although I have a feeling if he likes me in person his feelings about this will be very different.

Would you avoid a man with this kind of history? Or would you give him a chance?

I am leaning much more to the "give him a chance" side but because people around me are saying "you must be mad" I am starting to doubt myself. He sounds really nice though and it's only lunch.

ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 10:27:31

Have cancelled it....feel better but will talk it all over with my counsellor (past history of sexual abuse so find all this difficult). The deed is done though....too many red flags.you are all correct.

GetOeuf Fri 22-Mar-13 10:28:39

What others have said.

I really couldn't be bothered with it to be honest. One of those things (lack of driving, no job for years, wayward kids) would be a possibility but not all three.

Sounds like he needs and wants looking after. You have got to wonder why he is telling you all of this anyway. Does he like a good sob story or is endlessly searching for sympathy. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Mar-13 10:29:16

Well done Carol! Now to arrange that girly lunch. Take care. x

crazycrush Fri 22-Mar-13 10:32:19

Yes, we'll done! And now girly lunch and onto new things :-)

pictish Fri 22-Mar-13 10:35:01

No I wouldn't. He'd have nothing of substance to offer me. A relationship would be his gain and my burden. So no.

juneau Fri 22-Mar-13 10:39:25

Well done Carol. Much better to get a few unbiased strangers to give their tuppence-worth and help you make up your mind.

I was going to say what everyone else has said. Also - he hasn't worked for 20 years and his wife only died six years ago. I would maybe understand if he hadn't worked for the past six years, but he was unemployed for 14 years BEFORE she fell ill and died. Why, for heaven's sake? Not that it matters - someone with that amount of baggage would have me running for the hills.

Blu Fri 22-Mar-13 11:09:31

Well done. Now block his e mails and any other communication you have with him.

Targetpractice Fri 22-Mar-13 11:51:40

Well done, OP.
At our age a new relationship should not mean a learning experience, partners should be able to offer mutual support, care, understanding.
It also works better if finances are just about equal, too. Xx

ConfusedCarol Fri 22-Mar-13 13:41:08

Thank you sll...off yo change back to my real nickname now grin .

Gingerandcocoa Fri 22-Mar-13 14:37:00

No way.

I wouldn't even meet up for lunch - why give him false hope and put yourself in a situation of having to turn him down down the line?

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