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Hw to deal with a DP who sulks?

(90 Posts)
Trinpy Sun 17-Mar-13 14:50:13

A bit of background: DH is 34, we've been together 4.5 years, married for 1.5. FIL sulks massively whenever he doesn't get his own way and MIL always justifies his behaviour and encourages their dcs to do the same. DH used to be as bad as his dad but through the course of our relationship has improved and now only has one minor sulk every 2-3 months.

He is in one today and it is very minor but its there and its annoying. He's at work today but last night he turned his back on me in bed and wouldn't show any affection (which is always a sign he's sulking) and when he left for work he wouldn't hug or kiss me properly. It might not sound much but for him this is quite cold. I've asked him if there is anything wrong and he's said no, but in a way that its obvious there is something wrong. I think I know the reason why he is upset but its, imo, nothing to get this worked up about and certainly not my fault, more to do with his own insecurities.

So, where do I go from here? Normally when he sulks I ignore his behaviour and do my own thing, but I just cba anymore. His problems stem from his parents putting him down, treating his feelings as though they were worthless and encouraging him to hide his problems. He is committed to changing and has matured so much since I met him. But after putting in so much effort to support him in making these changes I'm exhausted now and just wish he would stop behaving like this.

What do you think?

Madlizzy Tue 19-Mar-13 14:13:35

Next time he says he'll leave right now, just say "ok" and let him do it. At the moment, he thinks you're not serious.

Trinpy Tue 19-Mar-13 14:29:08

Ah, I see where you're coming from now. No, he is not having an affair. No way. 100% sure. He may be a prize prick at times but he's not a cheater.

We were planning how we were going to spend the day. He asked me outright if he could have a h/job. God only knows why he thought that approach would turn me on. I said no, I'm not really in the mood atm. He pulled the duvet over his head and sulked (we were lying on the bed chatting at the time). He admitted he was sulking, I told him he was acting like a toddler and that he'd put me in an impossible situation where I had to stick by what I had said and seperate from him. We had a long discussion he offered to leave the house until I was ok with him coming back. I couldn't go through with it. He also admitted that he had been abusive and controlling towards me after we got married, which shocked me as I didn't think he had realised it.

Feeling very blush that I've told you about his schoolboy tactics to turn me on.

badinage Tue 19-Mar-13 14:37:25

You do realise that he knew you'd say no and that he didn't actually want sex don't you?

He was setting you up to fail, so that he could hold it against you.

Trinpy Tue 19-Mar-13 14:38:26

I did really want to say 'yeah I think you should leave' but I didn't because I always miss him like crazy when I don't see him for more than a couple of days. When he's not being a twat spending time with him makes me happier than I've ever been (and I led a very happy life before I met him). Also I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for more tests and i want dh there with me. I could ask my mum or a friend if they could get time off work but its not the same. Dh is the only one who has been consistently supportive over this, gone to all the doctors appointments with me and its important to me that he's there tomorrow.

Trinpy Tue 19-Mar-13 14:40:11

yeah I knew he would say no. Thats why i said i'd failed/was a pushover in my previous post. Now he's going to think he can do whatever he wants and theres no consequences.

Trinpy Tue 19-Mar-13 14:47:46

Sorry, that should have been yeah I know he knew I would say no.

Too many n sounds.

Madlizzy Tue 19-Mar-13 15:07:20

You're not a failure, you know. You've been conditioned by him so you doubt yourself constantly. Your time will come where you feel strong enough to deal with it properly x

Trinpy Tue 19-Mar-13 15:26:58

Thanks. I feel like I'm making things worse because we're arguing more than ever. But I suppose thats only because normally I would smooth things over and say sorry, etc.

He admitted that he didn't even want sex earlier and he's done this before: asked me for sex when its obviously not the right time, like when I'm running late for work, or tired/stressed, or we've just arranged to do something else - but he doesn't want to do it either, he just wants to put me in the position where I have to say no. Then he complains that I'm always making excuses.

I would love us to have therapy as a couple because i have no idea how to handle this stuff and I feel like I'm out of my depth, but I'm worried that the therapist would take his side or suggest we 'compromise'. I know couples therapy isn't normally recommended in situations like ours. But I can't see clearly what I'm doing.

Madlizzy Tue 19-Mar-13 19:11:12

There are posters on this site who will be able to give far better advice than I can. I'd just say keep standing up for yourself and it may make a difference in his behaviour.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 19-Mar-13 21:15:49

How about taking a leaf out of sassy's book and next time he tries it say "You know I'm running late for work and haven't time. So you know I have to say thanks but no thanks*."

Then continue leaving for work (or whatever it is).

*recommended if you want to keep options open, other phrases are available wink

Vicky2011 Tue 19-Mar-13 21:27:58

Trinpy please, whatever you do, do not have children with this whineyarsed loser; he will make their lives hell. Just like he's doing your's sad

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Tue 19-Mar-13 21:38:36

So he was consciously abusive towards you, admitted it and then keeps doing it?

Whatever his good points surely you deserve better...

badinage Wed 20-Mar-13 17:25:12

I don't think you should go near couples therapy.

I think you need to listen to what he's telling you and make a judgement about that.

He's admitted to being abusive and controlling towards you. He's admitted to wanting you to take the blame for refusing sex that he didn't actually want.

What are your thoughts today Trinpy?

FairPhyllis Wed 20-Mar-13 19:43:49

Oh FGS don't do couples therapy. It might be worth doing therapy on your own though to work out why you are staying in a relationship with someone who admits that he is abusive and controlling.

sassy34264 Wed 20-Mar-13 20:53:43

Might be worth having a look at this link and seeing how many of the traits he has.

After reading your last post, i would be running for the hills if i was you.

personality disorder

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