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Has anyone disowned anyone from their family and if so how did others react to that?

(42 Posts)
ilikeyoursleeves Thu 14-Mar-13 22:23:41

Very long story but after a lifetime of dealing with my sisters lies, bullshit, and utter crap I have decided to not contact her again, at this point in time I would honestly not care if I never saw her again.

It's on the background of her telling lies her whole life, from white lies to downright venomous and spiteful ones. So much I don't know what to believe any more. She is 40 but still doesn't take any responsibility at all for anything. Various things have happened recently which have made me think that I can no longer find the energy to deal with her, whenever I have tried to help her seek professional help (I think she has a personality disorder) she throws it back in my face or twists anything I say.

I don't have the strength or the desire to be stressed by her any longer. I told my dad and my brother this- my dad just said 'give it time' and my brother says life is too short to cut her out especially since she's family. I personally think life is too short to put up with her shit any more.

What have other people's experiences been who've tried to cease contact with a toxic relative?! Thanks.

Hissy Thu 14-Mar-13 23:02:53

I stopped speaking to my sister a year ago, Best thing I ever did.

Sure it hurt like hell, but she left me no choice.

Family need to be held to a HIGHER, not lower account. We can expect STRANGERS to treat us like shit, not FAMILY.

Take a break, resist all contact from her, state to your family that actually life is too short to put up with people being shits to one another and that your conscience is clear.

CleopatrasAsp Fri 15-Mar-13 00:15:52

Yes, I have and it's the best thing I ever did. I don't really care what other people think so I've never found it a problem, I just say that we always had a very difficult relationship and I broke contact in order to live a happier life. I think there is a tendency in human beings to think other people are far more interested in us than they acutally are. Most people don't really care if you are in contact with your blood relatives!

I am a great believer in the idea that you don't have to like or have relationships with people just because you share some of the same genes. Healthy relationships come from mutual care, liking, understanding and respect, if you can't find them within your birth family then you will find them elsewhere once you are no longer being bogged down by dysfunctional family dramas. Life is very short and I genuinely think you should get as much happiness from it as you can.

iclaudius Fri 15-Mar-13 00:33:27

yes and it was a positive step for me - necessary for my sanity to be frank
they were shits - i needed to be happy for my immediate family so basically I 'shed the skin'
I sleep so much better at night
Good luck op x

oldwomaninashoe Fri 15-Mar-13 09:09:32

I didn't actually "disown" my sister as such but I gradually cut down contact so we just exchange Christmas cards.
I send her children Xmas presents too (the oldest is 14) and I have never met/seen them. My other sister has done exactly the same with regards to her and funnily enough members of the extended family too are avoiding her now, although I was criticised initially for distancing myself from her.

When someones behaviour is such that you dread seeing them, and you resent the effect they have on your life. There is no point whatsoever in continuing to maintain a relationship with them.
Just let it go , there is no need for a grand gesture, just withdraw and when others ask just explain calmly that you cannot tolerate her behaviour any more and for the sake of your well being you have minimal contact.

Helltotheno Fri 15-Mar-13 09:15:10

Agree with everybody: life's too short.

And remember also OP, your brother and father are saying those things, not because of any concern for your welfare, but because they don't want to be stuck with her either, and if you go NC, they'll have to take on more of her crap. Don't even enter into a dialogue with them about the whys and wherefores, you're not obliged to explain any action to them that you take for your own good.

ilikeyoursleeves Fri 15-Mar-13 09:26:31

The thing is though my brother emigrated to NZ 8 years ago so doesn't actually have to put up with her shit at all! So it's a bit rich coming from him to say to stay in touch with her! My dad fully understands my POV and he's had enough too but obviously it's probably harder to walk away from your daughter than it is your sister.

And it's not like there's even a blood / genetic link as we are both adopted.

How do you all deal with family events then? We very rarely have them but my brother is coming over in summer (not been back home for 8 years) and will be expecting a happy family reunion but I just can't see it. Ill happily see him with my parents but not with my sister there too.

Helltotheno Fri 15-Mar-13 09:33:41

Just make it clear to your bro that you'll see him in any circs where she's not going to be present. I would really lay it out very very clearly for your brother. How could be be expecting a 'happy family reunion' when that's not how things are and he knows that's not how things are? Tell him that you're going NC, whether he likes it or not, and he needs to respect that.

It's all very well for these family members who don't have to deal with any of the crap insisting on playing the happy families card. Take a very strong line with him about it and make sure he has no expectations whatsoever that you'll be around for any 'family reunions'.

lovesherdogstoomuch Fri 15-Mar-13 18:57:16

OP. look at the thread 'problem with sister' doesn't sound too dissimilar. good luck. i agree with the MNERS. all good advice. family can be such a problem. i have a problem sister too. i am detaching myself as we speak. it feels gooooooood. i am happier and thinking of her less and less. the advice about let the other members of your family deal with toxic person could not ring truer.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 15-Mar-13 19:08:29

I dumped the whole of my father's family when I was 16.

I have no idea what anyone thinks about it. I don't care either. I don't miss them. I can't even remember most of their names! I wouldn't know them if I passed them in the street.

<shrug> I don't subscribe to that "blood is thicker than water" bollocks. It's an accident of birth and therefore as meaningless as the colour of your hair.

Domjolly Fri 15-Mar-13 19:12:27

I cut contact with my sister and it was the best thing i ever havent spoken to her for 7 years didnt invite her to my wedding

It ened when i found myself amost begging for her attention it was very sad i was going round ther for her only to pretend she wasnt in

And one day i just thought why am i doing this to myself i think she actaully got off on being wanted By me

Domjolly Fri 15-Mar-13 19:15:30

In terms of family events i think the key is be cordial but dont feed the monster

Say hi if they approch you then move on like a sex pest at a office party

Get a drink and find a corner with your family far from them

ilikeyoursleeves Fri 15-Mar-13 19:20:58

My dad said today that 'she is getting help' ie she's told my dad she's going to see someone professional. She has said this a dozen times before and never has been to anyone as far as I know. My heart actually sank cos I read into my dad saying that as 'she's getting help so you should support her in this since she's now trying to get better'.

Well done to her IF she is getting help but that still doesn't mean I want to see her. I can literally feel my heart race when I think about her cos she makes me have so many negative feelings!

CookieLady Fri 15-Mar-13 19:26:44

I cut contact with my parents and their siblings. The best thing I ever did. No more abuse, stupid mind games, manipulation and being made to feel like utter shit.

lovesherdogstoomuch Fri 15-Mar-13 20:30:36

o i know what you mean OP. that sinking feeling of "let's make it all better". rubbish. utter rubbish. stick to your guns. hard to do but worth it in the end. your dad is hurting as well. mine is the same. he tries to 'fix' things. but he has to know you are sick with it all and can't carry on. so, so difficult. good luck.

LisaD1 Fri 15-Mar-13 20:46:56

I have not had any contact with my brother, apart from the wishing me dead texts he sends his ex wife who I am still friends with, for 18 months. My sister has had no contact with him for 3 years. My parents and youngest brother still see him. I don't miss him at all and very much doubt we will ever have contact again. I know it pains my parents and I wish it didn't but that's just how it is. Luckily I still see my nephews and sis and I are close to his ex wife. The only thing that makes me sad is his new partner is pregnant so there is a niece or nephew that I will never meet. However, I prefer this than having him in my life!

ilikeyoursleeves Fri 15-Mar-13 20:58:25

My sister has 3 young kids (age 0, 2 & 4) and via her behaviour (and her vile abusive partner) they now have behavioural problems, shout and swear all the time, hit people etc, have no discipline or boundaries and its awful to see how they are turning out. I've tried to help them via helping my sister but its a continual banging my head off a brick wall.

I'm past caring about her but I do feel so sorry for her children. No great loss though that my kids won't know their cousins though, every time they visited my kids would worry that their stuff would get wrecked or they'd get hit by them!

Moanranger Fri 15-Mar-13 21:15:53

Great to see so many people have done what I have done. In my case, it was a toxic brother. I agree with the rest. There is a lot of societal pressure to play happy families, but in certain cases, as all above, it's impossible. Your own mental well- being counts for more.

messybedhead Fri 15-Mar-13 21:16:14

I did and it really is wonderful. Sure it makes it awkward ensuring that we are not at the same family event together ... But it means I don't have to see them or listen to them ever again.

The rest of the family are used to it now and will make sure we don't attend the same things, and as I understand that the wider family cannot choose between us, I don't mind being told that Horrible Disowned Person is coming so I can't as I know next time they'll be told the same about me.

ilikeyoursleeves Fri 15-Mar-13 21:26:32

I could normally avoid her quite easily but I'm now worried about how it will be when my brother comes over in summer. I feel bad for my parents cos they haven't had all the family together for 8 years but from how my sister is and from what I hear her partner is really like, I have no desire to spend any time with them.

I bet ill be labelled the problem one if I say I don't want to go to a family reunion thing. It will probably be the last time all my parents children could all be together since they are getting old and doubt my brother will come back after this visit.

slambang Fri 15-Mar-13 21:49:45

I haven't but dh has. It made life better.

Regarding the family reunion thing - do you have to make a formal announcement of NC starting now? Does it have to be black and white, now or never? Instead, it seems a lot of people have found it effective just to reduce and reduce contact until it's non existent without actually adding to the drama by making a big noise about it.

So, you don't respond to her emails, texts. You make excuses not to attend events your sister will be at that you don't want to go to, but for major family events weddings and funerals (and reunions??) you attend, and make sure you're not seated near her, don't initiate communication but on the other hand respond politely and non commitally to chat or can you pass the salt.

Perhaps the reunion is an event where your parents and brothers feelings take priority.

ilikeyoursleeves Fri 15-Mar-13 22:03:23

I think I'd probably have to have my parents, brother and his wife, plus toxic sister and her partner & kids over at my house though. We live in a bigger house that could accommodate a big dinner, plus would probably pay for it.

Actually even thinking about this is making me both anxious and angry. My sister has claimed benefits all her life so won't offer a penny towards anything if we had a reunion. And wouldn't put in any work. Maybe I could just invite my parents and brother here for dinner a few times but not my sister, then if there's a reunion chat it could be held at my parents or sisters. But my mum has dementia and it wouldn't be fair to expect my dad to have something at their house, though I think my brother plans to stay there.

Argh I hate this. I am a bit of a people pleaser and worry what others think so putting up a stance to cut someone off is both very enticing but anxiety provoking too sad

Help!

ilikeyoursleeves Fri 15-Mar-13 22:05:27

Maybe a compromise is best, that I don't see her at all 'normally' but could put up with her when my brother is over.

lovesherdogstoomuch Sat 16-Mar-13 08:11:35

OP i understand how you feel. i think i might be a people pleaser as well. i get diverted and do things to keep the peace then am angry with myself that i didn't stick to my guns. if you could bear to do the reunion for your dear parents (gritted teeth) but stay well away from your sister would you be able to manage that? and don't engage if you can. surely your sister won't expect to stay at your house as she must know things are strained? i sort of feel your brother should be helping you with this problem. it's all very well for him the other side of the world, but you're the one on her doorstep. yuk. bloody mental sisters. who are they?! who the hell are they?! ok i'll calm down. i can feel myself getting angry. smile

ilikeyoursleeves Sat 16-Mar-13 09:25:39

I take it you have a mental sister too? My sister wouldn't stay over if she visited, but doesn't drive so her equally mental partner would have to come over too. She recently left him, saying he is emotionally abusive and hits the kids etc sad I tried to support her at first although I took it all with a large pinch of salt given she has told attention seeking lies her WHOLE life. But a third party has said she's witnessed her partner being an utter arsehole so I think there's an element if truth too. My sister said her kids will get taken off her if she goes back to him. Lo and behold she's gone back despite getting support from women's aid etc. when I asked why she has returned (I asked in a nice way) I was told to fuck off.

If what she says is true I don't want her partner in my house either. Apparently he's been in jail for two years for domestic abuse. No idea if true or not but still.

Happy family reunion! Ha bloody ha. My parents seem to be blind to it all, must be hard for them too though sad

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