Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
My crush now appears to like me - what's he up to?(35 Posts)
I am single, 40s, no kids, decided after my last relationship that I preferred being single and have been happily so for the past 10 years.
But there's a man who I work with - also in his 40s, married for a long time - who I have always liked, and thought that if he were single and I was interested in relationships, he'd be just my type. I never got the impression that he was into me at all though.
Then last autumn he just said out of the blue that he had moved out of his house and had to make a decision whether to separate from his wife. This triggered a massive crush - I guess because he was suddenly potentially available. I read up here on the Relationships board about similar situations and worked out that he almost certainly had an OW. So I decided to just try to get rid of the crush. Avoided him as much as I could, tried not to think about him, didn't ask him or anyone else any questions about his personal life. I just wanted him out of my head. He may have noticed the crush as I was very awkward around him for a while. I also lost a lot of weight, but credited this to a diet
We have a mutual friend who he confides in, who later dropped hints to me about a 'girlfriend', so it looks like there is in fact an OW.
He then moved to a branch in another town - the story was that it was so he could move in with his brother who lives there, although I imagine it was to be with the OW. He still has to come in to our branch sometimes though.
So six months have passed and my crush had petered out, but lately when he's in our office he's been very very friendly with me. I thought I was possibly imagining the flirting until another coworker made a sarcastic comment to him (like 'you obviously want a shag'). So now he's back in my head again.
So what's the most likely situation now?
He has no interest in doing anything, but wants to get me crushing on him again for the ego boost?
He wants a fling when he's working in our town, whilst still in a relationship with the OW? He probably thinks I don't know about her.
He's splitting from the OW and looking for a new GF? (If only...)
I could try getting information from the mutual friend, but I'm worried that this would be showing my hand.
I think I should just try to forget about him again and possibly find someone outside work to have a fling with, to get it out of my system.
but wouldn't the single parent (who divorced) have to pay for that childcare if the primary carer (wife mostly) is either workking patr time or staying at home? if she's sahm with a smal child and can argue that she can't get a well paid job (i.e. never had one before) then he has to maintain her and child at least for a while, plus she can claim something or work part time) - it's ironically worse for higher=paid women who hire childcare and pay most bills after H left - unless again he earnd a lot more.
Regettably, a lot of departing spouses pay the bare minimum i.e. CSA limits, which go nowhere near the actual cost of raising a child, let alone pay for childcare so that the primary carer can work. There's sometimes a temporary financial adjustment based on the departing spouse's ability to pay, for the primary carer to get back on her feet and find work/childcare but the person who's given up work and has lost out on a career is always going to be more financially disadvantaged over a lifetime than the person who's had an uninterrupted working life. In my view it's also totally wrong that a departing parent expects the benefit system to pay for his children and their care.
if he earns a lot, I don't think she can get the benefits based on his payments. It's a complex issue - in cases where say wife had a affair and H left, he still pays her maintenance (not only for child) if she doesn't earn so it can also be unfair on the man while she stays in the house he may have bought, but I also hear of low-eraning men who aer really struggling post-divorce and luve in some timy flats - if he was an arsehole fair enough but if divorce wasn't his fault that's also unfair. Seems like it's better to be either wealthy or low-income for splitting couples, rather than somewhere in the middle..But the whole financial mess does stop men just leaving, many tend to tolerate things unless there is something to really motivate them (ow, or something else incompatible with family life).
Some men who earn a lot hide their money and expect the state to pick up the tab. But really, how is it unreasonable for a parent to put a roof over their children's heads? I don't really get this business of men leaving behind a 'house that they've bought'. Most couples buying houses jointly pay for the mortgage while both are working and if the agreement is that one stays home to look after their children, it's only fair that the person making that earning sacrifice is recompensed afterwards. It's also no surprise that some men are struggling financially post-divorce because like I said earlier for most people earning an ordinary income, divorce nearly always means financial loss for men and women. Look at how many women post on this board about how unhappy they are, but their lack of financial independence deters them from leaving? However the stats. show that women do leave to be on their own and that they are less likely to end a marriage for another love interest than men in the same boat. I think that's got more to do with men not wanting to manage a house and children on their own than finances because monetarily, women are statistically worse off post-divorce than men.
He's splitting from the OW and looking for a new GF? (If only...)
So you could be the next woman he cheats on? I am not from the "once a cheater, always a cheater" school, but I do think that you would be a fool to not look at his history and draw some conclusions.
He has done it once which means he is capable of cheating. He is flirting with you despite being (as far as you know) "taken". Your friend is trying to warn you off him, and I think you should listen to the warning. You work with him but your friend is his confidante so presumably knows a lot more than you do.
I agree that you should take this as a sign of your reawakening, but also as a warning!
Hmmm.....sounds like a real catch
What are you hankering after this tool for ?
You sound like a teenager playing guessing games, does he/doesn't he blah blah blah
Give yourself a slap and stop acting like a lovestruck dolt, I suspect you are making yourself look rather silly.
Well, I've given myself a metaphorical slap and am going to look into online dating. I think Hissy's right about looking at it as an 'awakening', rather than actually being about him. Whatever his situation, it's probably best that I just de-crush again and get out more.
Thanks for the comments and advice everyone.
Better luck in finding one that is less of a nobber
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.