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His affair and no sex - am I being stupid?

(36 Posts)
louisianna Fri 22-Feb-13 21:21:08

Bit long winded but my husband had an affair which I found out about a year ago. I'd warned him that I was uncomfortable with how close he was getting to a work colleague and he just told me not to be daft about 5 months before I found out. Anyway, I was suspicious and read his phone. He told me that they never had sex just fooled around and that he didn't know why he'd done it he was just struggling with our changed circumstances.
We had recently had a child and when she was 8 months old I accidentally got pregnant. I had antenatal depression during both pregnancies and I'm generally unwell during pregnancy so I'm not the easiest person to live with but instead of trying to sort out our problems he started the affair -I was 4 months pregnant at the time. To add to my problems he has made no secret of the fact that he finds my body completely unattractive when pregnant so wont have sex.

Anyway, my second child is now 9 months old and we still haven't had sex. He says he's having performance issues but I'm not sure I believe him. I'm really struggling to believe that it's him and that its not just that he finds me completely unattractive. I am back to my pre pregnancy weight, make sure that if we go out I always make an effort with my appearance. He says he will go and see some kind of sexual counsellor with me but I really feel like its just me he doesn't want no matter how many times he tells me that's not the case.
I don't know if I'm just being stupid and he's just playing me for a fool or if there really is some other issue.
The other problem is that I actually need to have sex and cannot stay in a relationship where that just isn't an option. I don't want to have an affair especially as I know how that feels. i just don't know what to do.
Other than this things between us have been really good and we've talked through the issues that we had when he had the affair and resolved most of them. This is the only problem. He's also a great dad and really does do his fair share so I feel as though I'm being selfish making such a big deal out of what is only one part of a good relationship.
Help!

Strange Rob, you are encouraging another poster on a different thread to get her husband a whore? confused

wallypops Sat 23-Feb-13 21:47:09

Sorry but this is not going to be what you want to hear. I may be reading this wrong but I lived pretty much exactly what you are going through. It isn't you, it is not the way you look or anything you do or don't do. It is pretty classic - you have had 2 pregnancies, that you probably wanted more than he did. He said he wanted kids, made all the right noises, but when faced with the reality of the situation, it wasn't what he really wanted at all so he ran off and had, and is still having an affair. No sex with you, just means that he is getting it somewhere else. It is fun for him fucking with your head, and trust me he is lying full time to you. No doubt the pregnancies were your fault.

You can wait and prepare for your future without him, but unless you can live with the situation as it is, that is really the only choice. For me when I finally discovered (2 days after our divorce) that he had been unfaithful from the 3rd month of my first pregnancy, until after the birth of our second child, it made so much sense of the mess. By that time I no longer had any other feelings apart from fear and loathing. Very abusive and manipulative person, not to mention an alcohol abuser and compulsive gambler with massive debts.

To keep my marriage together I justified so much of his behaviour, put up with appalling sexual bullying, and just general abuse. When he threatened whilst very drunk to have the kids put into care, he stepped over the line, and I saw a lawyer (who was crap). 4 lawyers later, and an excellent psychiatrist I am finally in control of my life. My advice is use this time to get a professional team in place - lawyer, shrink the works.

This is the most brilliant article, that should help you put it into perspective and it certainly made me feel better.

Darkesteyes Sat 23-Feb-13 22:57:49

Yep Binfull Rob is really showing up the double standards isnt he? So what you saying then Rob? Are you another mysogynist who thinks "well da wimmin dont really like sex anyway but men need their oats so they cant go without #EverydaySexism

rodandtheemu Sat 23-Feb-13 23:30:39

What a bloody stupid thing to say rob?

Personally i dont think his refusal to make love to you is actually about sex, I think its more showing of how he feels about u emotionaly

OP people put up with all different kinds of shades of shit to 'keep the family together'' what ends up happining most of the time is both partners end up dispising each other in the end, the kids pick up on it and you will lose your self esteem and think its better to have him this way than not at all.

What your kids need is a happy mum, some one who isnt being treated the way you are, not some one who is being left to stagnate. I coulnt bear it if my DP wouldnt touch me.

Dont have an affair for sex, go for a seperation, get some strength back.

Reassess in 6 months -- he could be with some one else or begging for you back..either way you will have a better perspective on whats going on.

good luck x

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 23:51:10

Rob...go pluck your hands, mate

Darkesteyes Sat 23-Feb-13 23:53:56

AF i just laughed and spat my hot choc. xx thanks

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 23:55:30

he's wanked himself stupid

Darkesteyes Sun 24-Feb-13 02:37:17

grin grin

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sun 24-Feb-13 13:10:45

Rob take the hint, you're not wanted here.

CressidaFitass Sun 24-Feb-13 17:15:55

wallypops speaks sense.

I think you should speak to a lawyer OP. Then when you know what the future could be, and you've had a chance to get used to the idea, you can deal with the problem in a matter of fact way - without the fear or panic about the future hanging over you.

And stop trying to please him. What do you really want out of life for yourself, OP? Then aim for it.

AThingInYourLife Sun 24-Feb-13 20:11:36

badinage x 4

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