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Paying for sex

(59 Posts)
JosMorgan Thu 21-Feb-13 08:40:48

I have posted on here in the past about my 14 yrs marriage and the fact that my husband has a huge problem with sex or ANY form of intimacy, if I approach him we can succeed in the act, but its like being with a 12 yr old. I have tried everything, he has tried very little. Religion was a huge part of his growing up along with a very over bearing mother. Anyway that is not why I am posting this. I do not want my marriage to end, but I have needs. My thoughts are at the moment for me to pay for sex, but I have no idea where to start, my main concern is my safety. Pls do not reply if you are wanting to persuade me not to follow this course of action. I am at this point only thinking about it.
Where do I start, where do you got for recommendations?????

zeffa101 Mon 10-Mar-14 22:51:51

Established escort agencies (I.E. those which have been in existence for several years) are usually a safe bet. If you Google their will, I am sure be escorts advertising for women clients. Good luck.

JosMorgan Tue 26-Feb-13 10:54:02

My update, I have read all the posts on my thread and spent a lot of time thinking. in an adult calm conversation I put to my husband the the subject of 'Sexual Abuse' put forward by Darkesteyes. He said This left him feeling very uncomfortable, but very little else. I have asked my husband for an open relationship, his reaction was that he didn't want that, but was not in a position to say no to me. http://cdnmn.com/emo/te/11.gif

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 22:39:07

Darkesteyes if women are constrained by culture or religion from asserting their sexual rights and leaving their marriages, having secret affairs and seeing prostitutes (both high-risk activities) must surely pose the same risk of harm/community shaming, so I don't really buy that.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 21:32:03

I beg your pardon. Sorry I meant the double standards as displayed by purrpurrs DH. Sorry BC.


Here......

1) He'd assumed that sex was not important for me, because I'm a woman, so he didn't think he was depriving me of anything. He's always very affectionate and cuddly, but as far as he was concerned, sex was a man's game only. Sure, aren't we wimmins always on the asprin at Sex O'Clock as that's when we get our headaches and need to go to bed early (alone)? Then occasionally we'll let out our corsets a little, lie down flat on the bed and roll our eyes at the ceiling while our menfolk pump away enthusiastically on top. Then when they are done, we wipe ourselves and go fold the laundry. Yeah, right.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 21:30:03

Cron are you reading the same thread. She DID "get slaughtered" by some posters.
And there are other double standards at work too. Which is obvious from the attitude that BCDGs dh showed.

cronullansw Fri 22-Feb-13 21:25:26

There is so much free sex available via sites like fabswingers, ashleymadison, martialaffair, illictencounters etc, that I honestly fail to see why anyone might need to actually part with any money smile

Girl, if you want some no strings, without breaking up the marriage, it is easily doable, and you can go forward with your life.

But overall, the gender bias here is, once again, the astonishing thing. If a bloke had dared to suggest this course of action, he'd have been slaughtered, not offered tips and advice. I find it very amusing...

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 21:16:12

badinage thats a very good point but in some cases there are other cultures involved. Some women would be putting themselves at risk by being open about it.

harryhausen Fri 22-Feb-13 19:36:41

www.maritalaffair.com

OP, I used this site for some dirty talk with strangers. I never met anyone although I had lots of offers. Me and my DH were having a terrible time. Lots of issues going on. We're now at Relate and things are much better between us.

I agree that ideally, finding a better sex life within the marriage is the way forward. I'm glad I never met anyone for sex now - but I will say that at the time it was a huge turn on for me and made me feel that I was desirable. Which probably was very false, but it helped me through a few awful weeks.

I'm sorry if that shocks anyonehmm

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 18:32:26

Secret affairs are similar though - they still involve un-negotiated time and money, not to mention infidelity.

The thing is there's no point bleating about misogyny and how men think that women's needs aren't important if women are still too ashamed to tell it how it is and to be open about their needs - and if they aren't met either voting with their feet or being transparent about having sex elsewhere. Secrecy and cheating doesn't solve the problem at all, it just compounds it and keeps women's sexual needs hidden away out of view again.

scaredbutexcited Fri 22-Feb-13 18:27:16

I think some are being very tough on the OP. She is clearly unhappy and not thinking about this lightly.

If I was in this situation, I think I would leave.

It is not just about the sex (although that is important). It is also about the intimacy and knowing the other person cares for you.

If you wanted one more try I would possibly insist on going to the therapy together as you need to be open and honest with each other for any chance of it working.

Other than that you deserve love, affection, consideration and intimacy. Sex is clearly not the only issue here (from what I can tell) and you need to make sure you are happy.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:17:21

I agree badinage. I would NEVER use a male escort for those reasons. And i would want someone who really wanted me.

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 18:13:56

Having secret affairs and using prostitutes is also sexual abuse - there might also be financial abuse if the family budget is being compromised to pay for it all.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:10:11

Err no he woudnt Freddie. Check out summerdads threads!

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 18:09:18

So if you think you're living with an abusive misogynist then take responsibility for your own actions and leave.

Or if you think you're living with someone who just doesn't like sex (which is their right) but is otherwise a good partner and father, be honest about negotiating an open relationship and seek single partners.

You don't have to be an angry martyr or a cheat to do the right thing.

i'm not arguing that if you want sex you can leave your relationship and go somewhere else for it. My point is that doing so without the knowledge of your partner is an affair. And if a man posted that on here, sexless marriage or not, he'd be flamed to a crisp

runningforthebusinheels Fri 22-Feb-13 18:08:31

I would think very carefully before you go down the paying for sex / no strings sex route. Apart from the fact that paying for sex and cheating on your partner is abhorrent - I'm not so certain it will make you feel any better in the long run. It's all a bit grim - and as pp's have said, you might not want to put your money into propping up the sex industry.

Another option I can see is to discuss an open relationship with your husband - then at least no deceit would be involved. I haven't read your other thread but it sounds like an awfully sad situation - I really feel for you.

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:07:03

•Withholding sex as a punishment

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:06:12

•Minimization of the partner’s sexual needs

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:05:49

well as the partner’s friends and family.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is any forced or coerced sexual act or behavior motivated to acquire power and control over the partner. It is not only forced sexual contact but also contact that demeans or humiliates the partner and instigates feelings of shame or vulnerability – particularly in regards to the body, sexual performance or sexuality.

Common examples are:
•Unwanted touching
•Demeaning remarks about the partner’s body or appearance
•Minimization of the partner’s sexual needs
•Berating the partner about his sexual history
•Demeaning remarks about the partner being too femme or butch
•Forcing sex or sexual actions on the partner without consent
•Using force or roughness that is not consensual, including forced sex (rape)
•Rape with an object
•Refusing to comply with the partner’s request for safe sex
•Coercing the partner into sex with others
•Purposefully and repeatedly crossing the partner’s sexual boundaries
•Violating an agreement for monogamy by having sex with others
•Exposing the partner to sexually transmitted diseases
•Treating the partner as a sex object
•Criticizing sexual performance or desirability
•Withholding sex as a punishment
•Unwanted sadistic sexual acts

Darkesteyes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:03:46

1) He'd assumed that sex was not important for me, because I'm a woman, so he didn't think he was depriving me of anything. He's always very affectionate and cuddly, but as far as he was concerned, sex was a man's game only. Sure, aren't we wimmins always on the asprin at Sex O'Clock as that's when we get our headaches and need to go to bed early (alone)? Then occasionally we'll let out our corsets a little, lie down flat on the bed and roll our eyes at the ceiling while our menfolk pump away enthusiastically on top. Then when they are done, we wipe ourselves and go fold the laundry. Yeah, right.

Exactly purr purr. Cos we wimmin dont really like sex anyway right? This proves what i was saying earlier. We live in a very mysogynistic society. What did he say when you pointed out how archaic his views are. How would he explain the popularity of womens erotic fiction then? (and i dont mean the awful 50 Shades) im thinking of the Black Lace books or classics like Anais Nin or the Story of O. JESUS CHRIST.

Oh and freddie Just so you know ive had WA confirm this kind of behaviour as controlling and abusive.

badinage Fri 22-Feb-13 17:47:18

There are a few more honourable options here than becoming a sex industry consumer and propping up a horrible industry, finding a no-strings sex site for married liars or having a secret affair.

You could be honest with your husband about seeking sex and affection from elsewhere, giving him the permission to do the same if he wants - and then finding someone who's single and giving that person no false hope of a commitment.

Or you could be honest about what you're considering and hope that this might finally jolt your husband into facing up to the issues in your relationship.

Or you could change your mindset about whether it's worth staying in a relationship with no sex, acknowledge that it's important to you and that leaving a sexless relationship is a perfectly legitimate action. Lots of women wouldn't think twice about leaving a relationship that involved violence, infidelity, abuse or bad parenting. I'll never understand why 'no sex' isn't put in the same bracket.

Personally, I'd never let someone else's behaviour lead to me becoming a cheat, a liar or someone who hurt other women by having illicit sex with their partners - and there's no way I'd touch the sex industry with a bargepole. I'd rather keep my integrity intact and take responsibility for my own actions.

There are more ethical options here.

Zaphiro Fri 22-Feb-13 17:21:12

I'm with Purity. Paying for sex isn't the answer.

A person who is witholding sex but insistent on staying in the relationship is being selfish, and therefore the other partner shouldn't feel ashamed of getting his/her needs met elsewhere.
TBH Jos I think you might eventually get rid of this H purely because his selfishness is going to manifest in a lot of other ways as well. Either that or you will meet someone else who wants a relationship with you.

purrpurr Fri 22-Feb-13 17:12:57

Jos, it's heartbreaking that you feel like there must be something wrong with you. I felt like that for a long time, too. I'm only young, I used to think. Most of me is where it should be, more or less. I'm in my prime. Why doesn't my husband fancy me? What can be so god awful and disgusting about me that the person who volunteered to stay with me for life doesn't even want me? I felt ashamed and dirty. Horrible. Please don't feel like this. It can't be your fault. It simply can't be.

When me and my DH sat down and talked it through, a lot of unexpected things came up, the main points were:

1) He'd assumed that sex was not important for me, because I'm a woman, so he didn't think he was depriving me of anything. He's always very affectionate and cuddly, but as far as he was concerned, sex was a man's game only. Sure, aren't we wimmins always on the asprin at Sex O'Clock as that's when we get our headaches and need to go to bed early (alone)? Then occasionally we'll let out our corsets a little, lie down flat on the bed and roll our eyes at the ceiling while our menfolk pump away enthusiastically on top. Then when they are done, we wipe ourselves and go fold the laundry. Yeah, right.

2) The above made me see static for a bit. Then he said he just didn't feel sexy. He felt unfit, not toned enough, unattractive, and it was practically impossible for him to get in the mood when he felt about as attractive as a bag of spuds. Now this I could totally understand. I'm sure any sexually active person has, from time to time, had their libido do a runner because they felt a bit bleurgh.

Sorry for the extra long comment there but do either of those ring a bell re: your DH?

So it's ok for either partner in a relationship to go elsewhere for sex? Whilst still in that relationship? And without the knowledge of their partner?

WOW.

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