Mumsnet Talk

I don't know if its an age thing, but I am 51 and have had my good nature taken advantage of too often to let it happen again so more careful now.

It may be an age thing in that wisdom comes with experience, Parsley, but I believe it's also very much value thing in that the higher value you place on yourself, the more men others are likely to value you accordingly.

I think I agree Izzy. Not sure it should work like that, but it certainly seems to.

Sorry izzy, im just trying to work things out in my head. Yes its gone very quick but I don't want to be a booty call! I never even thought how personal it would be having him at my place. Would you make an excuse to get out of it and stay at his or keep to the plan and hope he doesn't get too comfy?

hmm if he's skint a lot of your dates are likely to go this way? I'd just buy a packet of popcorn and make it clear you'd like to go out next time? Or if you'd rather go out or go to his then do it's only the second date! don't invest too much at this stage
good luck!

I definitely wouldn't 'stay in' at this stage. If you end up in a real relationship you could have years of that ahead of you. You must be mad. I invited a guy back too mine too soon and it became such a pattern that I'm sure it contributed to the failure of the relationship. Mind you, with the next guy I made sure it was just dates for ages, not even inviting him in for coffee when he dropped me off. When we finally dtd, I didn't like it and never saw him again. (So what do I know?)

I'm bit confused how this can be a second date OP if you have already got naked with him and seen his place. But maybe I'm being dim.

For your reassurance, when I met my OP after weeks of online chat I had a drink with him in a pub then lured him back to mine for a second date. I fed him delicious food then had my wicked way with him! It has all been wonderful, he doesn't expect me to provide all the snacks and we spend as much time at his place as at mine.

If he is a good one then it will all be fine. If he is a dud you will soon know!
Have a good time and report back here afterwards because we are nosey

Thank you for all your reassurance, I will be reporting back

Nothing at all wrong with cosy nighrs in BUT a bloke professing to be skint after a first date would be a massive red flag for me.

So you've shagged him after the first date and now he's 'too skint' to go out anymore? Of course he is! He doesn't have to bother with all the niceties of restaurants and pubs and having to make conversation and woo you if he can cut to the chase and come straight to yours to get his end away.

He is skint after one date?-dump him. I agree with other posters-he has got what he wanted and now feels he has to make no effort.

He has got a good thing going if you agree to this. He needs to jump through a few more hoops IMO. Fine for fb, not if you have longer term hopes.

What's the point of dating if you don't get to dress up and go out a bit- even just to the local Nandos or cheap and cheerful pizza place?

I wouldn't be happy about letting a second date know my address and where I lived, even if I had slept with them on the first date.

And I don't think you can say 'I don't want to be a booty call' because you don't know what his intentions are yet, and wouldn't know for a good few dates (he may not even know yet), and it may be that as he gets to know you, he does just want sex (and how do you know you want to be in a relationship with him yet, you hardly know him?)

I agree with Nick Izzy

My second date was on valentines day and he turned up at mine. We watched films then he went home. No horizontal dancing that night!

I agree with Izzy on making your expectations clear of how you will be treated. Like Parsley I've also made life easy for men in the past, I was too generous with my time and efforts and it didn't serve me well. It seems for whatever reason some women want to host, cook, provide wine and breakfast for new dates. The day before is spent cleaning the house, changing sheets, stocking the fridge as he might prefer this or that.

Cheap date out, back to his.

Yes, let him come to yours but don't cook anything special or be a hostess to him. Maybe just provide a bag of popcorn and tell him to bring some wine! Otherwise he will be expecting this regularly. I hope you haven't knowingly become his booty call. You'll know if he gets up to leave after dtd ...

*should be unknowingly

Why is the onus on the man to provide? Are we in the 1950s still? Does it really matter whos sofa you shag on?

At the moment im just looking for a bit of fun so it's nothing heavy, I know there are no rules. I suppose I've been out of the game for so long I don't know what's the norm with"a bit of fun" I think I might have jumped in at the deep end and hoped I come up for air! After what I went through with my ex I just want someone to show me a bit of affection and attention, god knows I went through 4years of having none of that!

This is going to sound very mercenary but I simply wouldn't date a 'skint' man.... Where's the fun in that?

Just wondering...

How did he say he was skint?

I mean did he casually say it in general conversation, or put it in a text when you guys were discussing meeting up, or say he was "skint and couldn't go out"? Did he say it after the first date was over?

He never said he couldn't go out just that he enjoyed the night and he'd love to do it again but he's a bit skint. I think he's got a lot going on, his van has broken down so I think he's worrying about paying for that. Cogito I was thinking that but im giving him the benefit of the doubt, im not rolling in it myself so i think it's unfair to not see someone just because they're a bit skint.

I went back to DP's house on our the first date after a night out. Not something I would usually do, but it felt right. Second date three days later I invited him round to my house for a meal because I felt comfortable with that. We've been together 18 months exactly today are very much in love and have bought a house together.

If you're at ease in your dates company, there's no reason why it should be "weird" to invite him to your house on a second date. Just because he's skint doesn't automatically mean he's a cocklodger.