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H has decided to divorce as does not love me

(91 Posts)
Moanranger Sun 17-Feb-13 20:40:23

25 year marriage & kids now leaving home. H has always been a tricky customer, no DV or infidelity but hard to please, furtive, introvert. I feel I have tied myself up in knots trying to make him happy, but we are now at end of line. Just told 19 year old son, who offered me a hug & I blurted out "I just want to be with someone who treats me nicely" Says it all really. If no man will, then at least I'll have my friends & not have to be around such a downer. Pointless post, really. Hug from DS nice, though.

Your children sound so lovely. Just imagine that calm and peaceful world is where you'll be in the future. I still relish the peace of my life eight years on - even though it is noisy and full, with a new DH and lots of kids. I appreciate the pleasant, supportive environment where there are no eggshells and everyone's feelings matter. And there's no fecker is moaning at me about perceived slights.

On the three house valuations ... I asked the estate agents for a valuation for a quick sale and the figure they'd market it at so I was able to point to a slightly lower figure that couldn't be argued about. They put both in the valuation.

Good luck.

WRT the business can redundancy be offered to him to get him out earlier? Not sure whether he is an employee. If he's a company director perhaps a compromise agreement based on his behaviour at work.

Jux Wed 06-Mar-13 08:37:11

Lovely. Children can be bright spots in the middle of darkness, can't they?

It is wearing. i suppose these abusive men always think thay can wear you down and then you'll be nice and meek again.

Ginebra Tue 05-Mar-13 22:54:32

Nightmare for you. dont even TRY to be reasonable. an unreasonable man never becomes more reasonable after u split.

Moanranger Tue 05-Mar-13 22:10:37

Jux not physical, just really unpleasant, empathy-free zone, mean. It is just wearing me down.
I do experience moments of real joy, especially in nature, & am very happy in my own company. At the moment calm & peaceful, won't see him for a couple of days.
Son gave me a lovely necklace for my birthday - a real sweetie.

Jux Tue 05-Mar-13 20:34:39

Let your solicitor deal with h's alternate reality. In what way is he nasty? Are you safe?

Glad your b-day was good. Good luck.

Rooting for you moan. I think the advice of your friend might be very wise if you can make this happen.

elly67jo Tue 05-Mar-13 20:04:55

Good luck and keep us posted xx

Moanranger Tue 05-Mar-13 18:49:22

It has been 6 days since I posted. Great B-day with friends and family on Friday. But H causes me serious stress. I got house valued by 3 estate agents, but then he says values should be less as houses never sell for their asking prices. I am afraid lawyer will have to set him straight, but everything seems to be a battle with him, and it wears me down.
Saw a very old friend (male) today who has been thru more than 1 divorce & he suggested that I not be in the same room alone with him. I simply cannot deal with H and his alternate reality.
If you met me you would think I am together and a real coper, but boy I don't feel like it around him. He is nasty.

Moanranger Wed 27-Feb-13 00:17:16

Ugh! Somewhat better as I took charge, confronted him. We had cards on table discussion, and I "managed" his anger. He is very unaware of it, and I constantly had to call him on it. I still felt we left matters pretty heated& brusque, veiled threats, etc.
Then I though, I really don't want a " burn the house down" divorce, so I approached him & said "What would really make you happy?" Which got a more reflective response out of him. Discussion ensued & when he started to recriminate, I called him on it. Basically tried to focus on - let's go forward & recognise & respect that we both want to be happy.
I pointed out to him that his early effort to buy me out of the flat made it seem to me that he was trying to get rid of me.He was not aware of that. We shall see how it goes; I feel somewhat better.
On a happier note, kids are taking me out for b-day on Friday, which is nice. Phoned my daughter in midst of tonight's tumult. I really hate being the moany, weepy old mum, but she was fine. I think parent role is to put a brave face on things, so deviating from that is tough.

Jux Wed 27-Feb-13 00:04:19

If he is being bullying and threatening or intimidating perhaps your solicitor can help you get him out sooner rather than later? Also, definitely pay him in lieu of notice at work. Heaven knows what effect he could have if he hangs about being shouty and angry.

Didnt want to read and run, Moan. Stay strong. And get him out of the company - if not your flat. Do you want to keep it/can you buy him out?
Can you pay him in lieu of notice at work?

Moanranger Tue 26-Feb-13 22:56:16

A new low tonight. V bad argument over money. H is so angry, almost delusional. It is really hard to live with. I must be strong & recognise that the outcome will be an improvement over status quo.
I try to be reasonable, he responds by being bullying. Very erratic behaviour re money on his part, but then he accuses me of stuff, but you cannot argue with an irrational person.
Today he was at work & very shouty over telephone. Embarrassing. I am trying to manage this, and getting him to hand over company responsibilities, which he is doing, but there is so much anger. Help!

Moanranger Sat 23-Feb-13 17:24:13

tribot He is a bit obsessed about who files, but it doesn't bother me. If I file, he can play victim, which he enjoys doing. Last night thru this morning I was very tearful, but talking to RL people today has helped a lot, and yes, defo do not want marriage that I had. This is also a HUGE opportunity to get an incompetent out of my business.
xales I take your point re money - hence hot-foot to solicitor & arranging flat valuations. He won't do anything too stupid as HMRC have him under a microscope anyway.
annie Thanks for your story. I expect this to cost, but having a good lawyer on my side will bring piece of mind. Worth it. I have drafted an " unreasonable" narrative. I will wait to see if this is done jointly. I would not go collaborative, and expect business valuation will be sticking point; the rest of the split should be arithmetic.
I have been giving some thought to what I will do when it is all over. I quite fancy a top - notch face lift! Just to feel good about myself. Little interest in another man - older ones are grumpy, or a few years off needing a nurse maid. Quite like the idea of making some good male friends, tho.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 23-Feb-13 10:44:43

Re unreasonable behaviour, in an amicable divorce you could actually agree the grounds between you, decide who wants to say the other one is being unreasonable, and split the costs in a way that works for you. My solicitor offered this to XH in the opening-shot letter, as a way of saving face and keeping costs down. After all it doesn't matter whether anyone else would objectively see a thing as unreasonable. It is sufficient that you no longer wish to be married to a person who does it. (I know a woman whose petition included the grounds that her husband was too tidy.) Him stating that he no longer loves you, for example, is something you could both agree on. Either of you could cite that the other one does not respect their business decisions - without actually making the bald statement that one of you is wrong. And three or four more of that ilk. Best leave the drinking out of it, unless you don't mind him saying that you nag him about how much he drinks. (Very unreasonable indeed, if I may say so. You should let the bugger pickle his liver in peace. Funerals are cheaper than divorces. But I suppose you have to consider the children's feelings.)

Since you ask, XH did not accept the amicable route. I think he was hoping I'd have to give up the silly divorce project if I ran out of money, so he fought it hard. The tactic failed. My solicitor was cheaper than his (and a lot more effective).

Xales Sat 23-Feb-13 10:07:50

A week ago you didn't think you H was going to dump a divorce bomb.

Do not trust him re money. Make sure it is safe asap.

Good luck.

tribpot Sat 23-Feb-13 09:10:10

From your opening post: I feel I have tied myself up in knots trying to make him happy - do you really think this is how family life is meant to be? Of course there is teamwork, compromise, and looking out for one another. But this has been completely one-sided for years and years. He's cost you money in unpaid tax and you've put up with it for the sake of family/marriage. You've also put up with his alcohol problem.

The options you had before he decided to end it basically consisted of:
- ending it yourself
- more of the above, on a downward spiral. More financial mismanagement. More walking on eggshells. More alcohol abuse. With the strong likelihood of prolonged illness to follow.

You know this isn't the kind of marriage you would want for your dc. Or for yourself, to be honest!

The goodwill in the business is quite a good metaphor, actually! Yes, I would imagine it is all on your side - you are the face and driving force of the business. You could replace his financial incompetence input fairly easily.

Jux Fri 22-Feb-13 00:57:22

It will, really it will.

Moanranger Thu 21-Feb-13 23:34:44

Email from H tonight, who now appears to accept that flat needs valuation. He will probably " lawyer-up" too - doesn't want to but splitting a business is complicated & no way would I do that without professional advice.
For example, accountant emailed me tonight re business " goodwill" & said that could be personal to me & not a shared asset. Who knew this stuff.
Still mightily upset at H who has thrown massive atom bomb into family. I hope it turns out better in long run, but doesn't seem like that now.

Jux Thu 21-Feb-13 23:28:03

Well done moanranger, you are being really strong. You are looking at a much happier, freer life, but it's small steps and slow at the moment. Keep going because it is going to be more than worth it.

Moanranger Thu 21-Feb-13 13:44:16

update all pieces now in place for the moment. Flat valuations booked, and amazingly got ahold of my accountant on first ring - this never happens, so it must be karmic. Turns out he divorced in recent past so very up on what needs doing.he is one of the many professionals I rely on who H tried to alienate, so things should be better.
Have also started telling people in RL, which helps, getting a lot of support.
My mood changes from weepy to gloomy, but this is something I will just have to get through and come out the other side happier.
Reading up on asset splits, etc. Marilyn Stowe's blog v helpful. I have a better understanding, though the courts decide casa by case, apparently. Feel a bit better.

Moanranger Wed 20-Feb-13 16:46:18

Tribot No, if we use last year's valuation I would receive £75k less! Your right re lazy! I have arranged 2 valuations next week & waiting for one more to confirm.
Basically he lives in a fantasy world, where he imagines that he is this chilled out, reasonable guy, not the shouty grump he actually is. Cannot believe he thought I would fall for that. I am totally civil & matter of fact with him ( gnaw on the woodwork in private) oh, and on here, of course!
Am worried about son - home alone this eve while H on wine tasting course - just the thing for someone with a failing liver!!

tribpot Wed 20-Feb-13 07:23:52

Hopefully this will give you a good sense of his likely reasonableness about your financial split. It sounds like he wants to do it the laziest quickest way possible, although would you not both be disadvantaged by using last year's valuation? Or is there an advantage to him accepting an undervalued asset when negotiating his exit from your business?

Either way - focus on separating your business affairs before things get difficult.

Moanranger Wed 20-Feb-13 07:18:45

PILLOCK! I woke up this morning - am in DD's room to find a typed out agreement for splitting the flat, based on LAST YEAR'S valuation! How stupid does he think I am? I had already mentally prepared to get 3 estate agents to value it.
He also included a handwritten card with some "sorry it didn't work out, hope we can eventually be friends" rubbish on it. Ripped it up & tossed pieces on his bed.

Moanranger Wed 20-Feb-13 01:42:31

catsrusthanks so much for telling me how it went for you. I have to say I am working myself up to a pretty lengthy narrative on unreasonableness. He loves to cast himself as the victim, but he is a pretty obvious dick, so people will understand what really went on.
Interesting about the collaborative route, not what I am choosing, mainly because I know in his fantasy world he was critical too my business. It will be easy to prove otherwise, and also divorcing will add costs for me in running my business. The backstop is that you can apply to the judge for a winding down order if he refuse to settle - in which case he would get nothing. I can feel myself working into a "don't get mad get even" mood, so I'll stop & go to bed.

catsrus Wed 20-Feb-13 00:38:09

OK - grounds for divorce. It doesn't matter who says what. Our solicitors (we went the collaborative route) said that in any marriage there are probably grounds for unreasonable behaviour somewhere. I told my exH that as he wanted the divorce it was only right that he found the grounds. He divorced me for unreasonable behaviour - I don't know what he said, I never read it, left that to my solicitor. Even now I have a copy on file but have not been tempted to read it - what does it matter? he wanted out and on reflection I wanted it too. It meant it cost him more in solicitors fees as he had to do all the negotiation with his - mine just did paperwork.

I was daft when it came to finances, too trusting - which is one way the collaborative route failed for me - and I got shafted on some assets. At the time I didn't care and wanted to be free as quickly as possible with minimum fall out. I had significant friendships with his family that I didn't want to lose - in retrospect it was probably the right route for me to take but the fact he walked away with more still grates.

Don't get hung up on grounds, try to see it as a means to an end. No-one sees what anyone says apart from the judge - all our friends, and his family, thought it was bizarre that he was divorcing me. Anyone who knew us was very aware of who was the unreasonable one. Being able to detach from the actual process of who divorces who will save you a lot of emotional energy I think.

My ex told me in Oct, we started the divorce process in Nov, he left in December, we had the decree absolute in April, he moved in with OW in March I think and was married to her in Sept.

Of course when he told me it was because he had fallen out of love and there was no-one else LOL. I told his best mate who it was the day after he said that smile

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