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opp. sex friends + hubby

(38 Posts)
awkwardawkward Sat 16-Feb-13 19:28:07

Disclaimer: I 100% love my husband to pieces and am NOT even CONSIDERING having an affair, so no need to berate me grin

I've been working with this man for a couple of years or so now, in my job we are sort of paired together so 9 times out of 10, we work alone together. Obviously over this time I've got to know him and it's AMAZING how much we've got in common, really astonishing, he's like the male me. I don't find him sexually attractive, and we are both married with children and we've NEVER done anything even hinting at naughty (thought makes me cringe) and don't often see each other out of work, and certainly not without partners around too. But, I am increasingly aware of just how well we get on and think that if we were seen in a pub people would assume we are flirting/a couple because we just have such a rollicking good time IYSWIM?

I dunno how to handle it with my husband, there's nothing going on but I worry he thinks there is, because I catch myself talking about my friend/colleague so much! Wouldn't be an issue if it was a female friend, he just happens to be male. I'm not sure if hubby's noticed but sometimes I just sense that he's thinking 'wow she talks about X rather a lot...' and he makes an effort to laugh it off. I have tried to cut down on that and take pains to lavish attention and love on husband, but I'm really worried now that that looks even MORE suspicious!

I don't want to just blurt out "I'm not having an affair with X, honest!" because it may not even have crossed his mind and then I'll look a right crazy eejit grin

anybody else ever been in this situation? should I find more important things to worry about?

CuriousMama Sat 16-Feb-13 19:32:59

Oh your OP meant opposite sex friends. Had me wondering!

Just try to keep doing what you're doing, keep it low key at home. How does your friend's dw feel?

I can't see a problem tbh as I have male friends and no way would I even consider a snog never mind anything else. The thought, ewww.

awkwardawkward Sat 16-Feb-13 19:37:23

I don't see a lot of his wife but we get on fine as far as that goes.

I guess I'm just conscious of it because we work alone together so the opportunity is there and I don't see a lot of other people so I don't have anybody else to talk about. Gives the wrong impression but i would hate for DH to feel insecure!

gwenniebee Sat 16-Feb-13 19:40:28

I would probably just carry on as you are - especially if you always do things socially with your partners or families. I had a male friend I worked with and we often did things socially with my husband. My dh spent a year working away during the week and I think he was pretty happy that I carried on going to the pub etc with my friend as he knew if he'd been around, he'd have been there too.

gwenniebee Sat 16-Feb-13 19:40:56

(Should say, though, I know other people at work gossiped about us, which was pretty shit.)

Booyhoo Sat 16-Feb-13 19:45:27

hmm, ok either you want there to be something between you and this man or you want your DH to be jealous. otherwise i cant understand the reason for your post. there is no issue. it seems to be you that is imagining (fantasising about?) one.

awkwardawkward Sat 16-Feb-13 19:50:43

ok you may not believe me but really, not at all, no fantasies about this guy at all. It's my husband's feelings i'm bothered about, it just occurred to me that if I was on the outside looking in, I might come to a different conclusion and like I say, he has made a few comments that seem to me like he might be a teensy bit jealous perhaps...but I'm not sure?

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 19:50:48

What Booey said.

You get on really well with your colleague. Yay.

Your husband isn't jealous and has no reason to be.

Are you looking for drama?

Bubblegum78 Sat 16-Feb-13 19:51:40

Booyhoo I have no idea how you got that from her post! <rolls eyes>

OP, there's not much you can do in this instance your OH either believes you and is fine or he isn't.

I would talk to your OH, just say you are concerned that he is worried about your friendship and that you want to reassure him everything is fine and above board and feel free to ask any question at any time as you love him and don't want him to be worried at any point.

That's all you can do really.

I assume this is a long running issue and not someone who you recently started working with?

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 19:52:15

OK, so ask him if he feels jealous next time he makes a comment like that.

Then you can reassure him that there is nothing to worry about.

awkwardawkward Sat 16-Feb-13 19:56:57

Yes it's a long running thing, I've worked with the chap for a couple of years now.

Think the best idea is to, as suggested, wait for a jealous-sounding comment and use that as a road in! Obvious now I think of it! I just didn't want to be eating dinner one night and randomly start on the subject, it'd be a bit weird.

I don't know if I am looking for drama/worrying about nothing, hence the thread! I've only been married the once so I don't know the etiquette grin

Booyhoo Sat 16-Feb-13 19:59:55

"Booyhoo I have no idea how you got that from her post! <rolls eyes>"

here's your eyes back.

woman is not cheating on her husband with colleague. no-one at any point has suggested she might be, her husband has shown no signs of being suspicious but she thinks telling DH "oh btw i'm not sleeping with jim from work" is a way of NOT making him feel insecure or suspicious (which he isn't in the first place) hmm never mind all the giggly, 'naughty' comments. this all seems like a fun fantasy in OP's head and if she's not careful she'll hurt someone she loves.

" like I say, he has made a few comments that seem to me like he might be a teensy bit jealous perhaps...but I'm not sure? "

actually you didn't say.

Booyhoo Sat 16-Feb-13 20:04:00

OP i think you should ask yourself why you think people (or DH) might suspect you are cheating on your husband. it isn't normal to think that about colleagues. most people just go to work. what you are talking about sounds like paranoia to me. not saying you have cheated, but i'd be surprised if there wasn't, at some point, in your head a bit of a thing for your colleague or even just the idea of cheating on your DH.

Stop yammering on about him to your dh if you think it's upsetting/annoying him.

Booyhoo Sat 16-Feb-13 20:13:56

tbh if your husband is pissed off it's probably to do with the yammering rather than any suspicion. i would get pissed off if my partner yammered on about a friend or colleague of either sex as if they were the best thing since sliced bread. do you talk about your other friends they way you do about Jim? (he's officially called Jim now BTW wink)

Exactly Booyhoo.

My sister has been talking about a friend for a few weeks now, every other sentence starts with 'Susan does this, Susan thinks that' weird and annoying.

Booyhoo Sat 16-Feb-13 20:19:18

i have a friend who does it, but she is so fickle and meets a new 'BFF' every week so the name changes regularly but the gushing continues. " i mean HOW have i only met this girl now? we should have been best friends from birth" grin she's young so i forgive her.

Januarymadness Sat 16-Feb-13 20:24:33

I KNOW at least 1 colleage thinks there is something going on between me and a guy at work. It is not either of our doing some people just want there to be drama.

The guy and I get on. We have to work closely together and are working in difficult circumstances. I feel affectionate towards him, in the way you might feel for a brother, when we are together but we dont talk at evenings or weekends and I suspect that if either of us left the job we would never see each other again and it would not be the end of the world for either of us.

People love a gossip. they like making stuff up in their own heads. It makes their lives more interesting. other people seeing stuff where there isnt anything does make you question if your own husband or partner may think those things too.

I am not going to be someone I am not to please others. I am not going to be mean to my colleage because of other peoples need for drama. I am going to make sure that no lines are crossed. No intimate conversations to physical contact or flirting. basically dont do or say anything you wouldnt if your dh were right there with you. If dh says anything be open and honest. If anyone else says anything treat it as entirely their problem!

Januarymadness Sat 16-Feb-13 20:29:31

I also think the talking about him thing is difficult. By not mentioning him it is odd. With me I work with the guy at least 5 hours a day, sometimes more. So if I talk about my day it is going to involve him 9 times out of 10. But yammering on does make suggestions of its own.

My sister is the same! So damn fickle, except she's 36....sad really.

Booyhoo Sat 16-Feb-13 20:30:22

"People love a gossip. they like making stuff up in their own heads. It makes their lives more interesting. other people seeing stuff where there isnt anything does make you question if your own husband or partner may think those things too."

that's the point though. no-one else has seen anything where there isn't. it is only OP that is thinking they might. (why might they? has OP been flirting with this guy? has she crossed boundaries she wouldn't cross with female colleagues?) i think it is the Op here who likes making stuff up in her own head to make life more interesting.

Booyhoo Sat 16-Feb-13 20:31:44

oh no! i was hoping Dfriend would grow out of it. are you telling me i have to nod and smile forever? shock

Januarymadness Sat 16-Feb-13 20:34:14

that is some assumption to make. Some people put themselves in others shoes as a matter of course. i.e. how would I feel if dh mentioned another woman this much. It is not necessarily that the op has crossed any boundaries.

AnyFucker Sat 16-Feb-13 20:35:45

You are overthinking it, OP

I do wonder why that might be

I've perfected the art of nodding and smiling while wanting to smack her

Stay strong. grin

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