Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Was going to hijack -'how important is sex to you thread' but decided better start my own...

(46 Posts)
Iwanttorunaway Tue 12-Feb-13 16:43:37

DP and I both 45, I'm a SAHM with 2 school age children. We have had problems for a good few years now. I feel a lot of anger and resentment towards him, feel like a drudge and have episodes of depression...sex is the last thing on my mind! Have zero sex drive...
Dp wants sex, is one of the major causes of arguments between us..now has gone on for years and the whole thing is a mess ....
I have had sex with him when I didn't feel like it 'for him' just to make him happy...but made me feel terrible...He has had tantrums about it - saying I'm avoiding him...etc etc. Accused me of using it as a weapon - which I don't- having him begging like a little dog etc etc... He says he wants me to want to have sex with him ...doesn't understand that I can't help the fact that I don't ...or with anyone else really...
If I am affectionate towards him he takes it too far ...
Have been to Relate (male counseller and I don't think he got the depth of my resentment) and sorted some other things out and we agreed to have some intimate time once a week...but I get so angry with him most of the time and I can't be bothered. Honestly I really feel like I my life would be easier without him...and he undermines me with the children. (ie I have 'rules' like no running in the house - and he will get them running about - and if I say anything says how boring I am ...and nagging again...)
Also I really thumped him just after Christmas ...really lost my temper - shocked myself - had had children around pushing my patience for the hols and then he started ...ignoring me when I asked him a reasonable question...leaving mess everywhere on purpose etc etc...we literally didn't speak to each other for 3+ weeks whilst living in the same house and he deliberately doing nothing to help....
I saw something on TV the other day about a women whose husband wasn't interested in sex so they agreed she could have sex with other people...
Suggested that to Dp, as he thinks if we had regular sex it would all be ok, and he has had a fit - he only wants sex with me, doesn't want the children to know (doesn't believe they would never find out), and I have been leading him on by saying that we can have sex when I feel like it ...and now he isn't speaking to me again (and behaving like a lazy pig again....)
I think that might give us the breathing space to become friends again...
He says I am trying to spoil everything...and he wouldn't leave because of the children etc etc
Really really can't face him being stroppy again for the next few weeks...

Foxy12345 Tue 12-Feb-13 21:15:41

If you dont want to have sex with someone, you dont love them, you dont respect them, they make you angry and not a nice person...then I think it sounds like the end sad

NotHerRealname Tue 12-Feb-13 21:49:27

I do think its a bit ridiculous when people start saying the op is a danger to her kids. FFS have none have you ever just snapped like that? I know I have. It sounds like just a symptom of the mental cruelty that the op is dealing with daily. More sympathy needed I feel.
Op I think you need to leave this abusive relationship. It sounds like there is no way back from the brink with this one.
Have a game plan to distance yourself from him. Get some counselling to help with your self esteem and get the confidence to get on with your life without him. Think about how damaging this relationship could be for you and your kids. I am not talking about the risk of physical violence as I don't believe you would actually take it that far. Far worse is the destruction of your self esteem, self worth and the stability of your kids lives.

That all sounds horrible Iwant. Really horrible. I don't condone you hitting him, I do think it is domestic violence. However, what he did before was really dreadful. It will be affecting your DC, it certainly is affecting you. I can't help thinking that if you could wave a magic wand and he was living somewhere else, in a year you would be happier than you have been in forever. It's not as easy as that but you have to make a change.

He is lazy, he is abusive, he pesters you for unwanted sex, he is abusive in front of the DC and undermines you. You don't know if you love him, don't fancy him, felt like you could stab him, actually hit him. This needs to end and soon.

bestfriendActually Tue 12-Feb-13 21:55:17

I also think your husband is abusive & there's no wonder you don't want to have sex with him!
I'm not surprised you lashed out after the way he's been treating you. It also appears that your eldest is copying his father in the way that he treats you. I think you need to tell him again that you want to separate, maybe seeking legal advice first to see what options are available to you if he refuses to leave.

You are saying that your relationship is failing because "you won't have sex with him". Another way to look at it would be "he makes unwanted sexual demands of you", or more neutrally "you are currently sexually incompatible".

But the sex is a symptom only. I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who treated me that contemptuously.

A trial separation might be valuable.

Having thought about this a bit more, it is quite clear to me that the not-wanting-sex is a symptom of your problem, not the problem itself. As is so often the case. If you and your H had some kind of functional channel of communication where both of you actually listen to the other, you'd feel less resentful, he'd actually do stuff and who knows? You might actually want to have sex with him.

I do not usually like threads where everybody goes 'LTB' on the slimmest of onesided evidence, but I think you need some distance. To recover and regroup and consider your options. And IMO you need that distance before simmering resentment escalates. I cannot imagine that your H is enjoying life too much either and you not being there may also free him to think where he priorities lie. You need to put yourself out of the situation which may make you lose control again - as others have said, much as many of us may recognise being pushed to that point, you do have actually crossed it and you do NOT want to find yourself in a situation you cannot undo.

Get out. Get advice - legal and supportive/counselling. You cannot change him, only yourself. You are currently both making rather poor role models for your DCs; they will be aware of much more than you think even if all out fighting has not been in front of them.

doorbellringer Tue 12-Feb-13 22:35:53

I think you need to summon all your strength and call on friends or family for support and get him out. I think he has pushed you passed breaking point and you need to recognise it will only get worse. How would you live with yourself if next time you did stab him. Not totally unprovoked because of the appalling way he treats you but still, what would happen then. Do you have and friends or family that are aware of the situation?

twentythirteen Tue 12-Feb-13 22:47:57

Op, I can't see a future for your relationship. And as for the hitting, I've never done it, but I did once get so angry that I wanted to. It shocked me to my core and i'm grateful it stopped there. I was also with an oh at the time who I no longer wanted to have sex with and who felt he could earn it and be angry with me for not providing it. You sound as if you are on opposite ends of a tug of war, I hope you can both find a way forward, separately I'd need be.

fluffypillow Tue 12-Feb-13 22:54:10

TBH you lost me when you said you thumped your DH, and if you had a knife you would have stabbed him???????

You sound a little bit unhinged confused

You have alot more to worry about than how often you have sex. You need help imo.

If a man had written this, he would have been hung out to dry on here. You are a Mother, you need to get a grip. Leave him/don't leave him, just DON'T assault him..........it's a criminal offence.

minkembra Tue 12-Feb-13 23:48:10

OP come over to the EA thread. Link above^^ take a deep breath and read some of the links at the top of the thread. see if that sounds like your life.

If you have never been there it can be hard for people to understand that you can love someone, resent them, feel guilty and furious all at the same time. if you are in an EA relationship you will be very confused about who is right and wrong, who is the victim and what on earth you can do.
It definitely seems as though you have reached a breaking point and you need something to change.

Read some of the links, take a while to evaluate. see if it all sounds horribly familiar.

Lahti Tue 12-Feb-13 23:51:55

I second the advice from Minkembra please take a look.

BreatheandFlyAway Tue 12-Feb-13 23:59:54

OP you clearly snapped after a protracted period of emotional abuse, sexual pestering and mental cruelty. One punch on the arm and a wild thought does not make you unhinged. It means you are desperate and driven to despair by deeply unreasonable behaviour on the part of your OH. I agree with others who say all of you would be better off with a split. Good luck OP and don't blame yourself - your OH will see to that! - instead concentrate on trying to create a constructive split if you can.

minkembra Wed 13-Feb-13 00:01:51

Link [[ http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1670070-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-16?pg=29&order= thread that might help]]

minkembra Wed 13-Feb-13 00:03:13
Eurostar Wed 13-Feb-13 00:19:08

Your life sounds grim OP, with you both simmering inside with anger and resentment. It worries me that you have twice described your eldest as "difficult". Doubtless they are but surely you can see this is a product of growing up with your toxic relationship forced onto them. How on earth can they learn to communicate in a healthy way when things are so unhealthy around them?

Sadly it sounds like your H is struggling with life, you say his childhood was horrific. It sounds like he has no will to change his messy ,disorganised ways and no understanding of what criticism does to others. You haven't said much about you and why you have put up with this for all these years.

If you don't want your DC to grow up emotionally harmed by this, you need to change something. What do you think the way forward can be for you?

TisILeclerc Wed 13-Feb-13 07:09:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaF Wed 13-Feb-13 07:29:17

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy. I think you are both contributing to that. He sounds disrespectful of you and your home, but to be honest, you sound a little controlling.

You mention 'rules' for the children, and that he disagrees with them. Are these rules you implemented on your own or together? He is allowed to disagree with you style of parenting, just as you are with his.

If the relationship is not working and hasn't done for a long time then it is probably time to call it a day

Iwanttorunaway Wed 13-Feb-13 11:54:50

Thanks for the advice - I have been looking at the EA thread...it is so difficult...
I do have baggage as well - I said I have been seriously depressed - suicidal in the past (before DP) - and now I can spot the symptoms and know what to do to get myself together -only once have needed antidepressants since - but actually with the problems in my relationship at the moment I think I do to go to the GP now...

Why have I put up with it so long? DP is not a bad person, he did have a terrible time growing up with truly dreadful role models and has no support network ... he really isn't like this deliberately and does want to do the right thing... I understand him...and don't want to hurt him - it is really hard to become someone else he trusted who has rejected him...I want to be his friend...
I think we do need space...he is very hard to live with at the best of times....(hard to explain ...he had no structure growing up - he does lots of things like sleep in his clothes ...in fact he suggested that as a good way of getting DC to school on time!) but I do really feel worn out by it all - but if we split up he sees that as a failure ...he can't understand that it might be a good thing even for a little while - the whole thing is a vicious circle...my head hurts now...

As to eldest being difficult - not really a symptom of the relationship - although it doesn't help. It is just her personality - she can be very very loud and very very lively (another mum once said 'wild') and when tired actually gets more 'up', gets bored easily....and is strong willed ...but with a good heart and now with the hormones starting to fly...it can take a lot of energy to keep her 'under control'. (DP still doesn't get this - he will encourage her to be really giddy and then get cross with her when she takes it too far..in general I know when to start calming her down before she gets to that point). Younger DC has always been easier - a lot calmer, easier to deal....

DP used to work long hours...so I was 'in charge' and had to keep everything going - so I am bossy and do find it difficult to let go (even though it has been 4 years now) ..and the rules (which DP has supposedly agreed to) aren't harsh - things like not running in the house (for safety!), not slamming doors (safety again) - or climbing on the furniture (damage and safety) - probably the worst is not eating upstairs...and that was because I got fed up of finding rotting apple cores in bedrooms (although DP is allowed to eat upstairs)...
How the hell did I get myself into this mess?????

minkembra Wed 13-Feb-13 20:38:25

iwant it is difficult. very difficult to sort out when things have got like this.
I feel the same about my ex. he is not evil or malicious. he had a bad childhood. but that does not change the fact that the way he treats me is not right, the way we have become together is not right and me wishing it were different won't change him.

You can only change yourself. i am having a go at that with some hard looking in the mirror and a bit of counselling. it is difficult. but changing anyone other than yourself is not difficult but impossible. one of the hardest things has been letting go of the idea that i can somehow change myself or fix him or fund the magic formula that will make him ' hear me'.

A tough childhood can only get him so far as an excuse. and if you are both not careful your kids may be telling their dps about their difficult childhood in a few years.

Take some time to think about yourself . and be safe:-)

CharlotteCollinsislost Wed 13-Feb-13 21:36:07

I too make rules for the dcs which then somehow don't apply to my H (who is EA). I too have been accused of being controlling because of this (but only by my H, not posters on MN hmm). But as you say, what else can you do when he refuses to take an active part in parenting, appears to agree and then 'changes his mind' later, and lets you know he disagrees by undermining you, rather than in any mature, supportive way?

It is so sad that he had a difficult childhood, but as mink says, you don't want to let the pattern continue to the next generation. That's great that you tried to get him out and that you're wondering whether you should leave instead. (It wouldn't be surprising in your situation to feel so worn down as to be unable to think along those lines.) Women's Aid can help you - talk to them to find out what support they can provide, be it emotional or practical. Citizen's Advice Bureau might be another place to go at some point, to find out what your rights are about leaving the house or getting him to leave and look into what benefits you could claim.

As for the sex, of course you can't help whether you feel like it or not, and it is sad that he will never see that. But he allows himself to have feelings in a way he doesn't allow you, hence the "look what your mum's done to ME" when the whole thing was about HIS refusal to take responsibility for his mess, his selfishness, his (joint with you) kitchen.

Echoing mink again, take your time to think things through. Talk here if it helps (just be prepared for the occasional poster to say "I haven't read the whole thread but shock dv shock bad mum shock" hmm). But do try to think about the future and where, for example, you'd like to be in five years' time.

BreatheandFlyAway Wed 13-Feb-13 21:45:21

mink and charlotte wise words as always, I agree with them.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now