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So you suspected he was cheating, how did you confront it?

(38 Posts)
Coffeepotfortwo Sun 10-Feb-13 22:05:38

First time poster on MN and medium-term lurker, posting here for some wisdom and advice. I?ve been married for seven years and we have three DC.

In last two months or so my DH has been surgically attached to his mobile to point where I have become suspicious, constantly texting, never leaves room without it, takes it to bathroom, to the kitchen if getting a drink, taking the rubbish out. My suspicions peaked last week; he received several text messages 1am/3am while we were in bed. He was in a deep sleep and did not hear message come through, I was awake and saw a message had come from a woman he had never mentioned. I was not able to read the message as his phone was locked so cannot say what message said. This morning, he left his phone unlocked and I saw a message from same woman saying ?wow, what a sexy picture you sent me?.

DH has many platonic female friends which he talks about all the time so please do not assume I am being jealous. He does not travel for work and is home on time most nights so not sure where he could fit time for a physical affair. So perhaps, he is having an emotional affair or a flirtation which will probably lead to full blown physical affair.

My health is not good, I am undergoing chemotherapy and my prognosis is very positive. DH has been very supportive throughout my treatment and I have tried to keep as much normality as possible for DC and him. I don?t feel very strong emotionally or physically right but need to ask the question. Of course, he will say it is entirely innocent, but my instincts tell me it is not. I am hugely upset but I am trying to keep calm. I need to gather evidence. His telephone has PIN and I don't know passwords to any email accounts. What should I do.

yorkshirewoman Mon 11-Feb-13 19:27:17

Yes, told him to fuck off - told him that if he isn't gone on Friday his things will be out on the pavement - and then - I will have to sell the house that I have put together - I will be extremely poor - very small pension and I mean that - and the future - shit either way

Locketjuice Mon 11-Feb-13 19:31:52

Yw- winewinewinewinewinewine sad

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 19:36:15

So sorry, yw, but surely it's better to be poor financially than spiritually by sticking with an absolute cock like that

ImperialBlether Mon 11-Feb-13 19:37:13

YW, someone on here had some very good advice, which was that if you want to stay married, the best thing you can do is to kick him out immediately. The shock of being forced out often makes them think more seriously about their future.

About your job. What were you doing? Could you return to it in some way? How old are you now? Is your husband still working? If he agreed to you stopping work, surely he'd be responsible financially in some way?

ImperialBlether Mon 11-Feb-13 19:42:37

OP I'm so so sorry you're going through chemotherapy as well as all this.

What sort of man is he? Do you think he'd had affairs before? Do you think it is that he's suffered a touch of mortality (albeit via you) and has panicked?

Is he fundamentally a decent man?

The text he received about the sexy photo sounded like it was from someone who didn't know him well, don't you think? Yet the two months of odd behaviour indicates something worse.

You HAVE to have it out with him. I'm so angry on your behalf. It's bad enough you are going through chemotherapy without that shit to cope with.

Could you manage if you kicked him out, hoping shock tactics would work? He would have to face up to friends and family, wouldn't he?

Whereabouts are you? Do you have good support?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 11-Feb-13 20:26:14

YW - well done. You will probably find that you will be better off financially than feared e.g you are probably entitled to half of his pension. Get legal advice if you can - legal aid ends in March so all the more reason to get this looked into now.

OP - hope you are doing as well as can be expected. He is a real shit to put you through this.

yorkshirewoman Mon 11-Feb-13 21:33:53

Just retired - not married to the bloke - therefore not entitled I don't think - to his pension - I was a lecturer but didn't start teaching until I was in my 40's went to Uni as a mature student so no substantial pension built up - too busy paying out childminder/after school club fees - had baby in my final year at Uni (as sm)he has just graduated and has come home - no going back professionally for me - I am 64 - so totally out on a limb

Numberlock Mon 11-Feb-13 21:35:48

What's your subject YW? Any chance of some private tutoring?

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 21:43:10

YW, go to CAB and see what govt help you may be entitled to

Coffeepotfortwo Tue 12-Feb-13 16:02:31

I've confided in close friend and she has advised me to gather some more information, particuarly on finances. She suggests that by confronting him, I am forcing his hand so I need to be a step ahead of him. I'm finding it difficult to keep quiet, I look at him, feel so upset and my respect for him is eroding. Kicking him out sounds very attractive but given my current health situation not sure if that is a practical and I can't even being to think of the impact on our 3 DC.

The strange thing is he could not be nicer to me, telling me how much he loves me (unprompted),doing things for me and a surprise gift. Maybe that's guilt in action. He has no previous form for affairs and is a 'decent/reliable' sort. He is aware I have been upset over last days but he thinks it's because of my treatment.

Yorkie, so sorry you are going through this. CAB should provide you with some advice. Good luck.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 12-Feb-13 18:24:41

Yes it sounds like guilt, he knows what he is doing is really shitty and people are so going to judge him so he is probably trying to make himself look good. Or he may be thinking that you are suspicious and is now trying to cover his tracks...

I am pleased you confided in a close friend because the situation must be a real head fuck for you.

yorkshirewoman Thu 14-Feb-13 00:19:34

well here I am again - up v late because I go extremely angry with him when he told me that his 'friend' cared more about him than I did - unfortunately I then lost it and hit him - he has been to see a solicitor today who has told him that if he was a woman I would be out of the house - apparently I have had no right to look at his mobile - invasion of privacy - and they have even told him what share of the house he has - his relationship with this woman apparently is innocent even though he has texted her day and night even when we were on holiday and told her loves her and adores her - its all innocent - but I am in the shit well and truly now

Bogeyface Thu 14-Feb-13 01:00:18

You are not in the shit Yorkie, but he is as no solicitor worth their salt would say such things. Are you sure he has actually seen one or has he just told you this? He is probably making it up, getting a same day appointment with a decent solicitor is almost impossible.

Get yourself the best solicitor you can find and get your own advice. If he wants to play silly buggers then make sure you have the better team.

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