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My DHs betrayal has knocked me sideways and I cannot function (OW and frozen sperm)

(85 Posts)
Amouage Mon 04-Feb-13 13:47:37

I am a regular but haven't been on MN for a while because we just did the house up and the kids and and and...

I want to outline what has happened without giving too much away to out myself but hope you fellow MNers can help me see straight again.

We have 3 very young children. We moved countries 3 times in less then 6 years.

Yesterday I have found out that in the beginning of 2009 my husband got senselessly dunk on a flight, then hooked up with the air hostie and shagged her in that hotel room.

He said nothing else happened but back in our then living location she contacted him for money and he lent her some which she has subsequently paid back.

I have tried to contact her as she emailed him again 2 days ago (that's how I found out about it): It said: wishing you a blessed new year may it bring lots of happiness, blah blah. Then he writing back: so nice to hear from you, please don't lose my contact details.

She responds: I never will lose your details, I am very sorry about what happened. I never wanted us to end this way.

WEIRD???

I am going out here on a limb but I suspect he got her pregnant and she needed an abortion. I just know it. He cheated on his first wife (I found out from her AFTER we were married).

After I confronted him he admitted to the shag but nothing else. He blamed me for not being there as I had gone back to my parents for 3 weeks to pick our then baby daughter up and bring her home while we moved.

---

He then told me that he put sperm on ice for a female friend who came into his life after we were already an item. She made a massive play for him, she is an older, single rich trust fund babe inviting him to schmooze with royalty, vips, etc but when I got pregnant she basically settled for his sperm which he donated but she couldn't use as she wasn't physically well and is now in her mid to late 40ies.

I am trying to hold it together for my babies but he makes my skin crawl and I feel sick to the stomach.

To make matters worse we had agreed to try for a 4th baby and I may be pregnant. I am reeling, my world has folded and I don't know what to do.

We have no cash to spare, I can't move to my parents who have a tiny place and are both ill and old. I don't want to impose on them. I have no friends to run to, no one who can help.

I was so angry yesterday that I chucked a glass of red wine in his face and slapped him on the cheek only to find my 4 year old daughter standing behind me.

I know what I have done is wrong. i don't want to damage my girls.
Please can anyone advice me? I am shaking as I write this.

Dear Amouage, I'm so sorry to read what you are going through.

The fact he is trying to blame you and not taking responsibility makes it SO much worse.

Don't have any good advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to send you my support.

thanks

meditrina Tue 05-Feb-13 12:20:25

It's not a question of fighting, it's a question of coping.

You have already posted that you find the house more tranquil without him. Now you need to find that tranquility on a more enduring basis.

If he won't leave and you cannot yet find a means to prise him out, look to domestic arrangements which maximise your well-being. Do you have a spare room? Can you move him into that? And then treat him as a lodger. That takes a huge amount of effort, but putting that distance there will reduce the amount he can disturb you.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 12:05:32

Fight, not find

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 12:05:07

lessMissAbs, you acurately described it like an onion with layers upon layers. The analogy is very true and I just don't know what to believe anymore.

First it was a drunken shag, then they met 2-3 times, now 5-6 and he lent her money. More and more shit comes out the more I ask...

I don't know how I feel. He says it was years ago, yes, 4 yrs ago.

Because it's not ongoing I feel a bit better but it DID HAPPEN and that's what upsets me.

Yes he is v handsome and charming and women flock to him at parties or at work, but it take two to tango. And he is probably sending signals that he's available.

No, I cannot turn a blind eye anymore. I just looked through his asmallworld profile and linkedin and FB and all these random woman names come up and I am tired and sad and exhausted. I can't find anymore.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 11:59:40

Hi Little Frieda, you just made me smile, thank you. I suppose with my fat reserves on my belly I could float over the Channel grin

Well, we haven't got a place there anymore but I could push for it when we sell this house. The agent who's coming is who did the mortgage for us and is a financial advisor. He is a kind, knowledgeable man who I can trust.

I would like to move back to the UK because that's where my kids half-siblings live and it would be sad if they lost touch. I still have family in London.

Moving there means biting my tongue and waiting another few months. I will have to research nurseries, schools, etc that I can afford and get myself a job.

He is British. I am German British with a Brit passport.

We have no assets to speak of as we have nearly completed major renovations and building work on a turn of the century villa. So no cash to speak of.

Miggsie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:42:16

Also - the fact you have moved so many times in your marriage with young children suggests he has to move on as he gets rumbled at work for what he is - he can't keep up the pretence very long.

Miggsie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:40:07

He has been covering up his horribleness for years, now you have rumbled him and see him as he is.

You trusted someone not worthy of your trust.

Leave him - your daughter's teenage years will be dreadful with this man as their father.

Sound slike he should be in jail

Timetoask Tue 05-Feb-13 11:35:09

Op, you sound like a strong woman. Please don't blame yourself, this man sounds like a real charismatic showoff that had you completely fooled.
Now, on a more practical note. If you leave now you will have financial troubles, right? So why don't you just play his game (I know it sounds horrible, and I am not this kind of person at all but...), pretend all is forgiven, try to live with him whilst at the same time building up your exit game plan by working towards getting a job and having childcare in place, finding out about your rights, etc.

LessMissAbs Tue 05-Feb-13 11:32:56

I get the impression he has ground you down OP. Its very hard to deal with a skilled liar, it must be like peeling endless layers off and never being sure if you get down to the core.

But honestly, this is one reason why you should never, ever, put yourself in the position of being financially dependent on a man, or being unable to support yourself if you have to get out. And you should really try to focus on some form of escape mechanism now. Your partner is a liar, you know that already, so even if you keep trying to find out more lies, its not going to make that much difference.

Do you love him? I take it you are not one of these women who can turn a blind eye to his behaviour and not be upset by it?

You aren't married and you live in Germany. Is he German? Does he support the family financially? Perhaps you need to see a lawyer to discuss your options.

btw I wouldn't trust his "spin" on his affairs. ie he makes it sound as though these women are bitches who chased after him or took advantage of him when drunk. He is already proven to be a liar and he will tell you whatever he needs to to make things easier for himself.

LittleFrieda Tue 05-Feb-13 11:32:00

Is your husband German or British?

Do you have assets? Is it worthwhile getting your saggy backside grin across to Britain where the ancillary relief part of divorce is fair to you as a woman?

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 11:13:19

LessMissAbs, I know I sound like a daft wallflower, I am actually not like this in RL, I can shout and be strict and hold my own. I think if I were a friend and saw my H through the eyes of her, then I would be a lot more cynical.

It's not so easy to be black and white and full of resolve when you are neck deep in it yourself and have young children to consider.

Yes I am probably in denial. I would just like to find more facts but I don't know how to. I definitely need a break from him, he is trying to wear me down.

LessMissAbs Tue 05-Feb-13 10:48:09

I don't think you're anywhere near the truth yet OP...

Hes clearly had at least two long term affairs while hes been with you, and who knows what else.

You do sound gullible. This sort of man seems to deliberately pick innocent women who won't spot the red flags, and then make them financially dependent on them.

Your only real solution is to get away from him asap and take entire responsibility for your own life and that of your family...easier said than done. In reality, you will probably be subjected to more of his lies and half truths and become even more controlled by him...you really should get away from him before you become even less able to.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 09:59:21

Thanks, that sounds like a good idea. The others aren't so observant and they still sleep lots. But my eldest is sensitive and she is of an age where she can and might remember sad

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 09:57:48

I know Sorry, but what didn't I do for him. I feel so stupid now. I put everything in my life on hold, my job, we moved and I lost friends, I have no hobbies, etc.

My mum babysits twice a week when the kids are in bed so I can go to the gym to improve my 'sagging' backside and 'huge' tummy. angry

SorryMyLollipop Tue 05-Feb-13 09:57:02

Your DD will probably enjoy some special time with her GP's - its all about how you "sell" it to her - "Do you want to have a special adventure with Granny? You are big enough now but the others are too little" etc etc

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 09:55:24

My younger ones are 2 1/2 and 18 mths old.

SorryMyLollipop Tue 05-Feb-13 09:55:08

"I have always put out when asked to" sad

This man is clearly very toxic, you and your Dc will be much better off without him. I know it seems very difficult now, but you can do it. xx

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 09:53:21

Thank you Meditrina, your words mean so much to me. I just cannot confide in anyone outside MN. I have made an appointment with the diakonie, which ill give counselling and advice. I just need to be careful what i say, the last thing i need is social services to come and investigate.

I agree children are very sensitive and especially my youngest is very very observant. I am toying with the idea of sending her to my mum and dad for a few days. She is no hassle at all for them because she is already very independant. They just can't cope with all 3 or the two little ones.

Do you think this is a good idea or do you think she will feel pushed away?

meditrina Tue 05-Feb-13 09:46:23

Hearing the odd row will not cause lasting damage. And for heavens sake, you didn't do it on purpose, and the shittiness of what you are learning could cause a saint to lash out.

But staying in a home where you are regularly witnessing bitter rows several times a week, or (worse) consistent low level sniping, chilliness and lack of consideration/kindness, will have a corrosive effect. And that is why you need to think about what you want life to be like in the future.

A mask of civility only takes you so far: and indeed well done for putting one in place whilst you sort out the basic admin. But it's not a long term solution (not even really one to count on in the medium term either).

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 09:42:32

I would love for him to leave. He has often travelled and I have found the kids calmer and the house more tranquil without him. I wouldn't even describe him as a good dad. He is awfully temperamental and fussy and over-eggs everything. Spending time with the children means he chillaxes on the sofa while they run amok in the living rooms while the TV is on.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 09:39:49

Thank you Meditrina. I was shocked by the revelations but when he then started pointing the finger of blame at me, nonchalantly standing there I slapped him hard on the cheek. I turned around to find my 4 year old standing about a meter and a bit away.

I tried to smoothe it over but I am sure she heard us shout that's why she snuck out of her bedroom downstairs.

I am worried I have damaged her by her witnessing this. I have since not let my mask slip, kept the routine and tried to be civil. It is so hard but he is refusing to move out and I haven't got the option either.

I am stuck here having to endure him, he works from home.

meditrina Tue 05-Feb-13 08:43:17

OK - what you can do now is accept that you hit him, tell DD (but only if she mentions it again) that Mummy and Daddy were having a big argument, that it's grown up stuff, nothing to do with her or anything she did and that you love her very much; and that the grown ups will be working very hard on putting things right.

Now, "putting things right" doesn't necessarily mean 'reconciling at all cost'. You have had the most enormous shock and need to recognise that you (and your body) have gone into crisis mode. You need to make the effort to remember to eat and sleep. Fortunately, the demands of DC are a help here - they force you to continue with a semblance of day to day life.

But you need to think too about how very hard it is to deal with him whilst you are still in the very early stages of processing the information you now have. This is why the advice here is so often to separate (temporarily or enduringly) as you may well do better with time and space to think without his presence disturbing you, or new discoveries crashing through on a timetable that is not of your choosing.

You are in difficult circumstances in terms of the practicalities, but is there a way in which you can secure a separation? And does the thought of time away from him to start rebuilding yourself seem like a relief?

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 08:25:08

Oh God I just found out that my eldest has said that Daddy hit mummy.

Shit, what do I do now?

I slapped him in the face. She was standing behind me and I dint see it.

I am in bits. I find this so hard but I dont want this to affect her. She is 4.

Amouage Tue 05-Feb-13 08:08:44

We married in the UK, yes we lived there afterwards.

German divorce laws are harsh on women, you have to work full time when your youngest turns 3. it is very hard to find work when you are a LP with 3 small children. I had previously tried to find part time work but received only rejection letters. My parents are too old and ill to be of any help beyond an afternoon's babysitting.

Childcare is scarce and the private ones I won't be able to afford unless I want to throw away my entire net salary.

I really ought to find out where I stand financially because I don't want to trap my kids in poverty. I would like to move on from a position of strength. They shouldn't be the ones suffering for my mistakes of chosing such a man.

LadyLapsang Tue 05-Feb-13 08:00:03

What country did you get married in and have you lived in the UK since getting married / having children? I understand German divorce / maintenance have changed in recent years and not in favour of women I'm afraid. What about equity in your home? You definitely need to get legal advice. Horrible situation but I'm sure it will get better - 32 is no age at all. Good luck.

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