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Dilemma - report to police or not.

(115 Posts)
findingmymarbles Tue 29-Jan-13 23:14:34

Posted in Chat before, as I wanted it to disappear, but two weeks on I'm a bit better and would like honest opinions.

I split up with OH of 3 years before Christmas. There was an OW, who moved in as I moved out.

Due to the nature of both my job and his, our paths are inevitably going to cross, unless I considerably change my lifestyle and career path.

After moving out on the 13th of December, and subsequently finding out about OW I was in a bit of a mess. However, I picked myself up and began a freelance business related to what XOH and I did.

Two weeks ago I got a job that involved going onto a property that OH owned. In the interest of being a grown up, and also knowing that if OH chose he could have taken the job on himself I rang him and a) asked his permission to be on his property and b) explained to him what I'd be doing.

At this point I assumed I'd be dealing with a rational person. I was quite wrong. When I arrived on the property, before anyone could see me arrive he came across the yard, caught me by the hair and dragged me into a shed, where he fondled my breasts while watching out of the window in case anyone was watching.

I was asking him what he was doing, telling him to let me go, etc, but because he had been my best friend for 3 years I thought if I reasoned with him it would be ok. When he ascertained that there was nobody to see him, he dragged me by the hair into his house, pressed my face against the wall and told me to take my shoes off. I did, but kept saying, what are you doing, let go.

He then picked me up by the end of my plait and the back of my jeans, which hurt quite a lot, and carried me upstairs. He pinned me on the bed, and the whole time I was saying, get off, get off, and fighting, and wriggling. He had my fringe pinned to the bed, so my head was back, and was lying on my legs so couldn't move. He was trying to kiss me and to get his hands in my trousers, but didn't have enough hands to pin me down and get my clothes off. The whole time I was saying get off.

When he realised I was not giving in, several minutes later, he let me go and I ran out of the house.

There is no physical damage, no witnesses, it is my word against his. So shoulod I report?

kingprawntikka Tue 05-Feb-13 08:23:07

You are being really really brave, I know you don't want to go today, but you can get through this. It may not be easy, but you can do it. Thinking of you x

Jux Tue 05-Feb-13 08:43:44

You are so brave. You said his ex had made two reports? What you are doing today will help make sure you only have do this once.

Good luck today. Thinking of you, holding your hand, giving you a big hug.

NormaStanleyFletcher Tue 05-Feb-13 12:54:14

Think of you today. I hope it all goes well.

You are so brave smile

findingmymarbles Wed 06-Feb-13 01:30:48

Done! 2 and a half hours of video evidence and no crying. Quite a bit of shaking and feeling sick. Now I just wait and see what happens next.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 01:44:45

Hey love. So sorry this happened to you. I just want to share my experiennce of the being believed stuff with you.

I was date raped a few months ago (got a whole thread on it) it took me a couple of days to report it and I found that while the police were sympatjetic and did checks on him, they weren't that interested because there was no evidence so it was my word against his and he worked for one of the 999 services and I'm a bit of a screw up so not much chance of a conviction.

Hopefully you'll have a better chance. I'll keep you in my thoughts xxx

Scuse typos. On phone and a bit voddied up blush

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 01:46:04

Xposted. Well done you. Keep your head up xxx

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 01:51:59

Well done!

Although it may have been traumatic to re-live what happened to you when making your statement, you have validated your experience by recounting it to others and may now find that the 'reality' of what took place becomes overwhelming to a point where you can think of little else.

If this should occur please don't worry unduly as it's an entirely natural reaction to a horrifying ordeal and with the aid of an experienced counsellor, such as can be found at www.rapecrisis.org.uk , you'll be able to move through this phase and emerge older, wiser - and stronger.

I hope the police will keep you updated. Did they give any indication of when/whether they intend to arrest him, and did you by any chance mention the conversation you had with his ex prior to your visit to the police station last week?

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 01:54:01

Did you get back to the police, or have they got back to you about making a statement ,*Crispy*?

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 02:09:17

Not heard a peep izzy. I don't blame them really. Their resources must be so streched and therefore they'll focus on the more sure things. Can't blame them for that even though its shitty.

I watched the accused last night. Scary that those attitudes haven't changed much sad

I really hope the op has a response she can be satisfied with and if she's anywhere near London I'm available for handholding and hugs

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 02:34:22

It was unfortunate that your ordeal coincided with careers being made additional pressure on Sapphire's meagre resources,Crispy.

Nevertheless, your attacker needs to be brought to the notice of the police as he will continue to pose a danger to the women he selects as his victims.

Now the Met's enquiries into matters related to the late Jimmy Savile* are almost at an end, I sincerely hope you'll get back to your contact and be forthcoming about the appalling lack of attention to your serious complaint.

*the simple act of typing this repulsive creature's name made me feel dirty.

FTR, the link is www.rapecrisis.org.uk

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 02:51:15

Thanks Izzy. Honestly I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I ought to contact him and apologise for not accepting his further aPproaches. Other times I question whether it really happened/i over reacted/led him on/ deserved it somehow.

Its a headfuck. I don't want to hijack the op's thread so I may continue elsewhere x

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 02:54:51

Aw jeez, Crispy - revive earlier thread and fgs don't give another thought to making contact with your rapist.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 03:38:25

I think I will do that Izzy. Can't get to it from my phone tho.

I'm fine for now. Got vodka and a blade which I won't use but find its presence reassuring. I'm really really ok. I pronise x

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 03:41:49

I'll revive it for you, honey.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay Wed 06-Feb-13 03:57:50

smile x

Jux Wed 06-Feb-13 08:20:13

Well done marbles. thanks to you, and a big hug. xx too.

Crispy, that's dreadful. So sorry it happened to you, and hope the cops wake up xx

well done. if we keep quiet then nothing will get done for sure. the next time he wants to do something he may think twice or your statement may give the police enough ammunition to prosecute.

CrispyHedgeHogmanay i remember your thread. so sorry it hasn't gone further for you. big hugs.

undercoverhousewife Wed 06-Feb-13 09:41:21

Well done, Sweetheart. I really hope the police take this seriously.

Crispy start a thread again for some support.

izzyizin Wed 06-Feb-13 13:08:59

Crispy's original thread has been updated.

It's titled 'got a date tonight and I'm getting nervous!' and, at the time of writing, it's on p1 of this board.

findingmymarbles Tue 12-Feb-13 23:20:50

So sorry for Crispy that in her case nothing has moved forward.
An update on mine, he was arrested today, questioned all day then released on bail with lots of conditions to keep everyone safe. The CPS is now handling it, from what I can gather he's on bail til the middle of march while they investigate further ( lots of stuff has come out of the woodwork about him). Then they will decide whether they have a strong enough case to charge him and take it to court.

Wow! I am impressed and its great to think that he has not got off scot free and also that you and others might be safer as a result. Well done you.

tribpot Tue 12-Feb-13 23:58:37

Blimey. That's a bit more than expected, but certainly no less than he deserves. Thank god you were brave enough to report it.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 13-Feb-13 00:02:41

well done finding - the police will always do what ever they can - evidence is a key issue but hang on in there.

EldritchCleavage Wed 13-Feb-13 00:16:43

Just seen this thread. I want to say thank you, finding, for doing a difficult and horrible thing. I hope you get justice, but even if nothing comes of this you've marked his card, bravely, and that may well help another woman down the line to be believed.

Cortana Wed 13-Feb-13 01:07:54

Like Eldrich I have just seen your thread.

Thank you from me too. You've been so brave and although it can't change what he did to you, you've done something that will protect others in the future.

Good luck in the future Finding, wishing you all the best.

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