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He can't love me can he? Gutted at the realization that I have to finish it

(51 Posts)
CaffeineBomb13 Wed 23-Jan-13 13:16:17

Yes I've posted about him already but please bare with me because I'm absolutely gutted here. I've never felt so strongly about anyone before and I've tried to push the obvious out of my head and ignore it but I know I have to finish it before he drives me insane and wrecks my career and everything else.

So we've been together just over 6 months. In that time he has blown hot and cold on me, joined a dating site and messaged numerous women asking for meet ups, went to a festival and lied about having spent it with a group of teenage (18/19 year old) girls sharing tents and smoking pot together etc. He lied to my face when I caught him out with the dating sites, finally admitted it but said he didn't know if he was ready for a long term relationship with me - something he'd told me he wanted for the whole 6 months we've been together. He somehow managed to talk me around and convince me that it WAS a long term relationship he wanted - first few weeks after were great and then the hot/cold shit started up again. Any excuse to throw doubt at me and make me paranoid and self concious, don't know if he does it on purpose or what but he manages to make me constantly question whether I'm about to be dumped and it drives me insane.

I know he feels that he's superior to me. He won't let me meet his kids despite being fully involved in my children's lives (yes a mistake on my part, I get it) and for the past couple of days has turned away from me when I go to kiss him or hug him yet he tells me everything is fine.

He tells me he loves me but he can't do can he? you wouldn't treat someone like this if you loved them. Last night my son got him to fix up a bike that he didn't bother using this morning - I can understand him being pissed off about wasting his time but how has he reacted? by snapping at me this morning and ignoring me all day since.

I know for my own sanity I have to finish it but despite everything I do love him and I don't know why. Why have I ended up loving such a headfuck?

Also, any tips on going cold turkey? I'm going to miss him.

chubbychipmonk Wed 23-Jan-13 13:19:29

Tip on going cold turkey? . . . Re read what you've just written!

Then keep reading it & realise that you've wasted enough of your time & energy on someone who clearly doesn't give a fuck.

Turn your love & affection to your son & tell this wanker where to go!

I genuinely don't understand how anyone could love someone when they treat them like that. If someone treated me that way, I'd fall out of love with them surprisingly quickly.

tribpot Wed 23-Jan-13 13:22:48

I am astounded you even feel the need to ask whether he loves you. It seems fairly clearly he doesn't even like you, and frankly he epitomises the expression 'with friends like these, who needs enemies?'

He sounds absolutely dire, and very, very bad news for you and your children.

Spend the extra time you will have once he's gone on getting yourself some decent counselling to see if you can find out what's led your self-esteem to be so low you would accept this appalling behaviour and call it 'love'. You deserve a great deal more than this.

ErikNorseman Wed 23-Jan-13 13:26:11

You have had this advice already, ad infinitum. Yes, you need to end it, no, he doesn't love you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 13:27:05

"despite everything I do love him and I don't know why"

You desperately want something/someone to love, he seems to fit two-thirds of the bill, and you've been papering over the very obvious cracks in the other third, hoping that if you didn't think about it too much you could convince yourself it's all OK and nothing to worry about. We've all done it.

I guarantee that when you let this man go you'll feel an empty space in your life for a while until the next person comes along. The lesson to learn from the experience is to be a lot fussier where you dispense your love, much more choosy about you allow to move in with your family and a lot more critical and quick to act if anything seems to be wrong.

porridgeLover Wed 23-Jan-13 13:27:22

Doesn't sound like love to me....more like the addiction of an unhealthy attachment.
As above, you might benefit from counselling and time spent looking at what you learned about love in your own family/parent's relationship.

He is behaving appallingly. Dont let it continue. You are better than this and deserve to be treated properly. Not least, valued by yourself.

Be honest with your own self; did you see this person as some poor damaged soul that you thought you could rescue and or save from his own self by loving him?. Did you see him as a project to rescue and or save from himself?.

You know you need to finish with him for your own sake and once contact ceases you cannot let him back in under any pretext. If he does not accept that the relationship is over then you may well have to use the police and legal means to get him to back off.

Also you do not want to be the architect of your own self destruction here, he seems quite happy to drag you (and by turn your children) down with him into his pit.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what was your parents marriage like?. All that as well needs your consideration because chances are you learnt a lot of damaging stuff that is being played out now. You need to "unlearn" all of that.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood as well as having counselling.

Branleuse Wed 23-Jan-13 13:30:39

dump the man child. You can do better

izzyizin Wed 23-Jan-13 13:31:18

FGS, what are you still doing with this odious piece of gobshite?

Of course you don't love him. You barely know him and what you know of him is unloveable.

Cold turkey? You need a cold shower and a cold hard look at why you let this dickhead into your home and into the lives of your dc.

Please make this your last post on the subject of him and make your next one about you.

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 13:33:49

Oh my god!

I know I posted on your other thread, but seriously, I had no idea about any of this!

He does not love you.

I know that you are reading all of this and thinking "I know, I know what it looks like" and there's a little voice in the back of your head saying "but... these women don't know him, these women are just strangers on the internet, these women don't have to live with the decision"

And all of that is true, but seriously, read your OP again and imagine it is me tell you this about my boyfriend.

What would your advice to me be?

CaffeineBomb13 Wed 23-Jan-13 13:35:00

When we first got together he was fun, energetic, full of compliments and ideas, he WANTED to be with me - he was the one that did the chasing. I had my guard up for a while because I could see myself falling for him and was terrified of being hurt but once I let that guard down, he changed sad All of a sudden it was me doing to chasing, it was him saying he were moving too fast (despite being the one saying he wanted to move things on). He started with the passive aggressive shit, saying I'd said things when I hadn't. Perfect example -

A few months ago -

him: "If we lived together we'd need a room specifically for my boys, it worries me the thought of them having to sleep on temp beds in the living room"
me: "oh god yeah, that would never work, of course they need their own beds and their own space".

2 weeks ago -

him: "I remember when we had that discussion about living together and you seemed surprised that I didn't want my kids sleeping in the living room, you seemed to think they'd be fine sleeping on bean bags"
me: "what??? that is totally unfair, I never suggested anything like that!"
him: "you did, you don't realise it but that's how it came across"

I know enough about psychology to recognise gaslighting when I see it. Shame I can't recognise my own mental health issues.

AgathaF Wed 23-Jan-13 13:36:02

What are you going to miss exactly?

His bad moods?
Him messing around with other women, or trying to?
Him blowing hot and cold?
Him being a pain in the arse around your dc?
Him excluding you from his life (kids)?

You are in love with a fantasy figure that doesn't exist.

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 13:36:47

Well end it then.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 13:39:03

"When we first got together he was fun, energetic, full of compliments and ideas, he WANTED to be with me - he was the one that did the chasing."

Isn't that how most relationships start? Enthusiastic dating.. everyone on best behaviour... flattery... fun? That's why commonsense says to give it plenty of time rather than just a few weeks before you can judge whether it's going to be long-term or not. Certainly don't have someone moving into your home five days a week before you've had chance for the 'real them' to come through hmm

DogEgg Wed 23-Jan-13 13:39:44

Caffiene - this isn't love. Love is kind, warm, generous and consistent. It makes you feel safe and better about yourself.

In our short replies us MNetters are showing you more love than this man has or ever will. He is hurting you, manipulating you and he keeps doing that.

This nasty man sounds like a narcissist. Google it and see if you recognise him. If you do get out now and go cold turkey whatever it takes. The pain of cold turkey will be less and over more quickly than the pain of staying an loving a narcissist.

Please read again what tribpot had to say above - she is talking good sense.

tribpot Wed 23-Jan-13 13:42:03

when we first got together he was fun, energetic, full of compliments and ideas, he WANTED to be with me

Yes - because you have to bait the trap. Of course he said that - how else would have he got to you? That doesn't make it true, it just makes him skilled at what he does.

You have no meaningful relationship with this person. He plays with your emotions for his own amusement. If you needed any further incentive, think what a dreadful example this is setting to your son.

ResolutelyCheeky Wed 23-Jan-13 13:54:22

"If it doesn't feel good, what are you doing it for?" Ring any bells?

mentlejen Wed 23-Jan-13 13:58:01

Do you think you're starting a new thread on it because on some level you're in denial? Did a small part of you hope the advice would be different?

I'm not saying this unkindly, but sometimes it's easier to hear the truth when it's said plainly.

He doesn't love you.

He isn't going to change.

Your 'love' for him is a reflection of low self esteem and a great (and very normal) desire to be loved. It's also about the fear of being on your own again.

Stay in this relationship and the main thing that will happen is that your self esteem will get poorer and poorer and eventually evaporate entirely. That means going that 'cold turkey' will only get harder the longer you wait.

You're in danger of becoming like a kicked dog who is inordinately pleased about the infrequent and brief moments of affection shown to it by the master who kicks it, purely because that kindness is rare and is lit up against a background of cruelty.

You're worth more. Much more.

To boot - your son may be learning a few unhelpful things by watching your relationship, things you wouldn't want him to learn about how people who love each other should treat each other.

Take a deep breath and do what is best for you and your son: get rid. You can do it and your future will be infinitely better for doing it. Even if it doesn't feel like that right now..

DogEgg Wed 23-Jan-13 14:04:10

I am the daughter of two narcissists.........it's taken me to the age of 48 to even start the recovery process...don't put your son through this.

CaffeineBomb13 Wed 23-Jan-13 14:19:01

My mother is a narcasist and I suppose my partner does fit the bill in some areas too - although he's not aggressive/shouty/quick tempered which I've come to associate with narcassists but he does become OBSESSED with negative stuff.

For example a few days ago he had a few spots develop on his belly - well you would have thought he'd been diagnosed with some life threatning illness, he went in a major strop over it, kept saying he was "riddled with spots", "what the hell is wrong with me? I obviously have something majorly wrong with me", "everything is so shit, everything is going wrong" etc etc and I was like "christ you have a couple of spots!! you're really over-reacting" and then I get accussed of being heartless and not caring.

He invents problems for his kids too. He picks them up and starts on at them about "you know I love you, but your mum and me won't be getting back together but I'll always love you .... " and the poor kids hadn't even mentioned it yet get attacked with a bucket of emotion as soon as they step foot in the car.

He constantly obsesses over non-issues. This has made me wonder if a part of this manifesters itself in him looking for problems in the relationship to whinge about too. He's not happy unless he has something to worry about.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 14:25:17

I remember him. The one laying the big heavy emotional number on his own children..... nice. They must think their Dad is an utter tosser.

DogEgg Wed 23-Jan-13 14:33:06

Only the child of a narcissist would have been well groomed enough to recognise the signs, use terms like "gaslighting" and still want to visit this shit on themselves.

Only a narcissist would recognise someone bred to have sufficient low self esteem to accept this kind of shit and then exploit the situation.

Other posters here have written stuff like "FGS, what are you still doing with this odious piece of gobshite?" . It's because you've been trained to expect and accept being treated so badly.

If he's not doing the aggressive/shouty/quicktempered shit yet, it's just because he's not got to that part of his repertoire.

I urge you to get some help and get away from him OP.

CaffeineBomb13 Wed 23-Jan-13 14:41:22

Thanks for your understanding DogEgg.

I've seen signs of the aggression, little snippets. For example he was telling me something the other night and I heard a noise and looked away for a minute, he said "I hope you're bloody listening" - he's said similar before when he thinks I'm not listening to him.

He gets a bit "louder" after a drink too so I know it's in him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 14:43:03

So what are you going to do, starting now, to get this man out of your life?

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