Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can a "good guy" ever cheat on his wife?

(299 Posts)
confusionoftheillusion Tue 22-Jan-13 15:15:08

I met a guy last summer and became friends. Had a drunken kiss in November. Since then have been meeting once/twice a week. 

Both married and recently have started to talk in detail about the problems we both have at home. He is talking about wanting to be with me, as in leave his wife and be with me together as a couple. I think he is wonderful in so many ways but also think that if he is that comfortable cheating on his wife he must be a bit of a dick. We haven't slept together but that is due to me being pretty upfront about the fact I wouldn't do that. I am also aware that me cheating on my husband makes me a not great person either. 

As always the situations either side are not quite as straightforward as we would like. 

I feel an awful lot for this man. However I am so conscious that we are having an affair so it's not the real world. How would I ever know if it would work in the real world? And is there ever a time when a 'decent' man has an affair? I feel that he is a "good guy" but then logically I think that he can't be as he is lying to his wife. 

Morganly Fri 23-Oct-15 22:48:31

DrMorbius Are we not allowed to call bad behaviour because of her gender? Sexist if we support her just because she shares a gender with us but gender disloyal if we don't?

AmarettoSour Fri 23-Oct-15 21:25:17

Yes that's true, but I'm not convinced either of the couples would have stayed together if we take OP at face value.

Duckdeamon Fri 16-Oct-15 13:13:51

OP still doesn't sound sure she's OK with being in the current relationship.

SongBird16 Thu 15-Oct-15 16:25:04

Yeah funny how realising you're married to the wrong person coincides with meeting someone you fancy the arse off.

It's almost like 'being married to the wrong person' is an excuse or a way of justifying the shitty behaviour isn't it?

Then one day you're sitting across the breakfast table from the OW/OM, only now your relationship is all legit, and you realise that they're the wrong person too.

The vast majority of such relationships fail, that's a fact, but it'd be interesting how many continue, appearing perfectly happy, with one or the other bitterly regretting their choices, or at least realising that this one got boring too.

AmarettoSour Thu 15-Oct-15 15:25:02

Or maybe, SongBird, they will have a long and happy life together as they were both married to the wrong people? Not condoning the affair but it is possible you know.

I've read the whole thread and the thing that stuck out for me was the apathy (for want of a better word) described. OP wasn't sure whether she wanted to work on her marriage, her DH wasn't sure if he wanted to remain married to her, the OM wasn't sure he wanted to stay with his wife. Only one out of four people seemed to actually want to be in their marriage. That doesn't sound like a recipe for long term success, regardless of whether the affair happened at that point in time or not.

DrMorbius Thu 15-Oct-15 14:04:45

Wow so much for the "Sisterhood"

Muckogy Thu 15-Oct-15 13:08:25

he's dick.
he's using you as well.

SongBird16 Thu 15-Oct-15 12:59:24

For the rest of your time together you'll know that your relationship was built on lies and the pain of innocent people.

Every time someone asks how you met you'll have to lie or tell them the truth and watch their smiles falter for a heartbeat, because they'll know what you both are.

When you look at your DP you'll see someone who put his own happiness before his children's security.

And you will always know that he is a liar who deals with dissatisfaction in a relationship by looking for someone else, as are you of course.

I'm not going to say that anyone who cheats is a bad person, but your DP is, and you are, based on what you've admitted here.

Look up the statistics regarding how many such relationships last, and then wait for your grubby doomed relationship to hit the wall.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Thu 15-Oct-15 12:45:31

"No need to be so condisending"

It is not condescending to point out how ridiculous 'karma' is. It is easily dismissed. The whole situation might come back and bite her but that would be because of the ongoing deceit not 'woo'.

Lucylloyd13 Thu 15-Oct-15 12:36:59

Sometimes we marry the wrong people, sometimes something better comes along.

The happier we are, the less likely we are to cheat.

You need to look at yourself first. If you are unhappy in your marriage do something about it, leave if that doesn't fix it.

If this man represents an upgrade, treat it as such, being aware that a future upgrade may leave you redundant.

Duckdeamon Thu 15-Oct-15 12:33:32

Wow, an update after two years!

Must be quite unusual for affairs to remain undiscovered like this.

Funinthesun15 Thu 15-Oct-15 11:53:42

There's no such thing as karma. Don't be ridiculous.

In your opinion.

No need to be so condisending

BolshierAryaStark Thu 15-Oct-15 11:49:55

So you're both still lying then, not a great foundation on which to build a solid relationship hey? You're going to need luck I think...

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Thu 15-Oct-15 11:26:40

There's no such thing as karma. Don't be ridiculous.

It is however difficult to keep things secret, and the OP has potentially set herself up for a lifetime of having to think before she speaks, worrying about what happens if the kids found out etc.

Funinthesun15 Thu 15-Oct-15 11:19:25

I see you've withdrawn that post where you admit that the OM hasn't told his wife he's been having an affair.

Has he now OP or is your 'little secret' still hidden.

Karma may just hit back

Shutthatdoor Thu 15-Oct-15 11:17:01

Well that's ok then hmm

ScribblerOnTheRoof Thu 15-Oct-15 11:12:20

You definitely deserve each other

DrMorbius Thu 15-Oct-15 08:16:10

Op this site is great for many things. The "wisdom of the masses" dishes out some useful advice and support.

However one question I wouldn't ask on this site is; Can a "good guy" ever cheat on his wife? At least not if you want a balanced answer.

There are probably thousands of people that cheated (for one reason or another) and then went on to live "good guy/girl" lives.

Louboutin37 Thu 15-Oct-15 08:02:02

"I"

Louboutin37 Thu 15-Oct-15 08:01:51

That's the point u was making teamscoutrifle, think it was lost on the OP

TeamScoutRifle Thu 15-Oct-15 08:00:03

Still living a lie though aren't you op. Every single day you have to pretend that you & your partner are not great big cheats who had an affair whilst you were both married and that's how you met.

confusionoftheillusion Wed 14-Oct-15 23:17:56

Thanks for the luck! Really kind of you louboutin

Louboutin37 Wed 14-Oct-15 19:55:52

I can't believe neither of you owned up to the people you made a lifelong promise to, and yet you were questioning whether good people ever cheat.

Good luck with the karma fairy, I hope both your exes find happiness

Fratelli Wed 14-Oct-15 16:47:33

Oh just read the update. Good you're not cheating anymore. Pleased you're being dicks together rather than continuing to cheat smile

Fratelli Wed 14-Oct-15 16:45:27

You're worried about him being a dick. You're also a dick. Be dicks together if you want but don't cheat.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now