Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can a "good guy" ever cheat on his wife?

(270 Posts)
confusionoftheillusion Tue 22-Jan-13 15:15:08

I met a guy last summer and became friends. Had a drunken kiss in November. Since then have been meeting once/twice a week. 

Both married and recently have started to talk in detail about the problems we both have at home. He is talking about wanting to be with me, as in leave his wife and be with me together as a couple. I think he is wonderful in so many ways but also think that if he is that comfortable cheating on his wife he must be a bit of a dick. We haven't slept together but that is due to me being pretty upfront about the fact I wouldn't do that. I am also aware that me cheating on my husband makes me a not great person either. 

As always the situations either side are not quite as straightforward as we would like. 

I feel an awful lot for this man. However I am so conscious that we are having an affair so it's not the real world. How would I ever know if it would work in the real world? And is there ever a time when a 'decent' man has an affair? I feel that he is a "good guy" but then logically I think that he can't be as he is lying to his wife. 

Boosterseat Sun 29-Sep-13 17:30:51

Zombie thread

confused2222 - but you aren't the "good person" are you?

intheduskwiththelightbehindher Sun 29-Sep-13 10:44:30

Speaking now as someone who has been at all three corners of the infidelity triangle - stop it now. It always always always causes pain. Sort out whatever is missing in your relationship now, or leave it. Don't just indulge in escapism and ego stroking. It hurts everybody.

confused2222 Sun 29-Sep-13 09:01:48

how did it all end??

happyAvocado Mon 06-May-13 17:58:34

not sure if this aspect of adultery was mentioned in this thread - I was cheated on by my ex
I think no-one would have predicted the impact it had on our kids, his siblings, me most of all

ex's siblings hate him for what he's done to me and his kids, however they can't say - oh well, we won't see him ever again

so I was avoiding christmases with them - my kids love going there as I have no family in UK
that is how they grew up - having christmases with their cousins, aunties, uncles, grandparents, so ex is there too, and I felt sick having to be with him in the same room on happy occasions like that
I love his family, they are on my side and now just over 4 years since I found out he was seeing someone else I can just about to be in the same room as him

he also decided to tell the kids - he had an affair, so my kids are torn between loving him and hating the same time

if you want to be hated by his family - carry on, but you will never be part of his life the way you would like to be

AuntieStella Mon 06-May-13 17:57:28

For ease of reference, OP has a concurrent thread and it is here.

No

happyAvocado Mon 06-May-13 17:50:05

does wife of OM know about you seeing him?

DottyboutDots Mon 06-May-13 17:48:08

perfectstorm, could you poss link the divorce evidence here please? I've seen many threads countering that divorce, if it's done right is OK for the family (mother's mental health and financial stability being the biggest key factors).

confusionoftheillusion Mon 06-May-13 17:37:53

perfect storm - you're right to have a go. I shouldn't have said what I said about the W being unreasonable for saying what she said in front of the kids. I should have thought more about her.

Your point about kids of divorce is relevant and of course it's something I've considered for my own dc but kids growing up in homes where the parents are unhappy, hostile or present a negative view of relationships also suffer. Neither is good.

I did what I did. It was wrong.

perfectstorm Mon 06-May-13 16:05:22

Incidentally, there's a lot of research showing kids do better when a parent dies of natural causes (obviously murder or suicide aren't applicable) than they do after divorce. And that applies whether the breakup is acrimonious or not - it's just the level of damage amongst the divorced-kids cohort that varies. The damage to their life chances is less when a parent dies of natural causes in their childhood, in terms of early pregnancy, educational opportunity and

This woman could be behaving like the Virgin Mother and her kids would still have statistically better life chances if your lover dropped dead of a heart attack tonight. So would yours if you or their father did. Them's the breaks, I'm afraid.

perfectstorm Mon 06-May-13 15:59:03

Confusion I'm not judging you for what you've done. None of us is completely perfect in this world and Lord knows I've made mistakes. I'm lucky in that I've never been tempted (yet) and nor has my DH (I sincerely hope, and genuinely believe) so I'm not about to cast stones when I haven't walked in your shoes. That's not what made me so angry.

You're right: you ARE the bad guy in this, and so is he. Your spouses have every right to hate you because the affair will have destroyed your marriages, whether they consciously knew or not, because your energies have been elsewhere, the excitement and focus elsewhere. To blame the victim when she reacts to the catastrophic pain you have both inflicted is, I'm sorry, reprehensible. She and your husband need to focus on the kids, yes, but they are human, and if you and your OM haven't had the restraint not to destroy your children's families, how can you ask them to have the restraint to grieve in child-friendly ways? Part of the consequences of your actions will be that they say and do things that will have terrible, possibly irreparable consequences on your children's emotional and educational life chances, permanently in all likelihood. She didn't do that. You did. To blame her for the clearly forseeable results of your actions is pretty appalling, yes.

Your kids and her kids will suffer abysmally. Half of all fathers lose all contact with kids within two years of separation, and while a lot of them are down to bad dads who can't be arsed/horrible new step-mothers or stepfathers/bad mothers who use the kids as weapons, I suspect an awful lot more are down to it being so agonisingly painful for all concerned that one or both parents calls it a day, and as court battles usually benefit nobody and cost phenomenal amounts, that's the way things stay. You have been living in a bubble pretending that this isn't the reality, but it is: you have two sets of kids who have a fifty fifty chance now of growing up without a father, because of your choices. You have flicked a domino that could well end very badly for your babies and her babies. And you can't exactly pretend you didn't know it, from the start. To start judging ANYONE else in this scenario is... well. An interesting moral position to be in.

Pomegranatenoir Mon 06-May-13 11:24:59

Really can't believe you have the cheek to put a message on here to ask for help. You are a despicable human being. Pretending to be concerned about children whose life YOU have ruined because YOU wanted to be with a married man. Complaining about their mother when she is doing her very best to keep it all together. Her life has been ripped apart by you and what you have been up to with her husband. You have taken away the future that they had planned together, you have taken away the sunny days playing together as a family or the Christmas mornings watching their children open their presents. Never again will any family situation be the same because of what you and her husband started. She is hurting. You are aware of what you are doing and in control of it. Whether you admit to it or not. She isn't. You made the decision to pursue a spark between you - that was your choice! All control was taken away from her and she is dealing with the aftermath in the best way she can. I hope you really pay for what you have done because I am very sure that all of the innocents in this sorry situation will be paying for your fun for the rest of their lives.

Selfish, selfish woman with an equally selfish man. You really have no idea of the destruction you have caused and probably never will. Although maybe when you think you are in a safe position with him, leading a happy life, he will do the same to you. Karma is good like that!

confusionoftheillusion Mon 06-May-13 11:18:35

Fair point perfect storm. I did judge the things she said and should have shown her more compassion... From the start.

perfectstorm Mon 06-May-13 11:06:00

You've been creeping around having an affair with their dad for six months, and suddenly you're all concerned with the kids' welfare?

Yes, this.

I had sympathy for you before that point. Life is complicated and emotions are messy, and there are all kinds of complications in life. All of us do things we aren't proud of and moral lines are often blurry in the extreme.

But once you start posting mealymouthed, syrupy words of concern for how their mother's pain might mess up the "little lives" of children when you are responsible for that pain, you pissed me off. No, their mother is not behaving in an ideal way. That tends to happen when husbands fuck other women, and the people responsible for messing up those little lives are you and their father. Not the people the pair of you are betraying - which include your children and his. How dare you judge a woman you are so wronging when you are behaving in a way that will screw up all the kids in the equation? As far as we know, she's not had any affairs.

I have no idea what any of you are like. I do know that pious pearl-clutching because a woman you have treated so appallingly is behaving less than perfectly under the pressure YOU have inflicted is horrible. You appear to believe your own shit does not stink. It does, and so does that attitude. You can't help how you feel, but for crying out loud accept you're an adult, acknowledge what you've done and the costs for others and work out what to do next.

The situation is what it is, and you now have to move forward. Eagerly seizing on evidence that the OW is the bad guy and thus a bad mother and thus you aren't really any worse than she is and hey, marriages just don't work out sometimes... no, no they don't when affairs happen. Again, own your own actions, own that they have been crappy but you are where you are, and try to move on with a little compassion for the victims of your choices. That would include your husband and the OM's wife.

confusionoftheillusion Mon 06-May-13 08:14:55

Thanks dotty. I am also in bits about it too. Glad it worked for your friend x

DottyboutDots Sat 04-May-13 17:53:24

OP, one of my girlfriends had an affair for 8 months. She was a nervous wreck. She finished with her DH (no kids) 3 years ago and is getting married in July to the OM, they now have a 1 year old and are very happy.

akaWisey Sat 04-May-13 12:51:23

I don't think you have any intention of telling your poor H what you're doing until your OM has told his wife, left and has invited you to join him. When/if he does that I don't think your H and your DC's will see you for dust. That's how selfish and self centred you sound OP.

I suspect Charbon left this thread at the point at which she realised there is no reasoning nor appealing to you for some empathy for the families who will be destroyed by this mess of your creation.

I wish I'd been able to say that to the OW who was instrumental in my marriage break down. Unfortunately I was (surprise) too fucking shocked and traumatised for quite some time - and so were my children.

miffybun73 Sat 04-May-13 12:26:16

The short answer without knowing any background is no, a good person would end one relationship before starting on another.

Leavenheath Sat 04-May-13 12:24:56

I see you've withdrawn that post where you admit that the OM hasn't told his wife he's been having an affair.

It's very relevant to the advice people give you.

itwillgetbettersoon Sat 04-May-13 12:22:16

When my STBXH told me he was leaving me and the children I really can't recall what I said but it certainly wasn't 'ok fine have a nice life"! I said some terrible things to him to make him understand exactly what he was doing. In hindsight I was wasting my breath but I'm sure my children heard some awful things. But I was in terrible shock and fighting for my marriage. Don't believe a word your OM is saying as it will all be taken out of context. Lets be honest he is the biggest liar ever! I don't get why you are worrying about his children now! Too late for that. You and the OM have / are /done / doing some awful things. How you can even look at your husband or children. Selfish, cowards etc etc.

LookingForwardToMarch Sat 04-May-13 12:19:42

You shouldn't have a choice whether you want to be single or not.

If you had even a shred of decency ( which I doubt btw) then you will tell you husband what kind of selfish narcissistic loose woman he has been sharing his life with.

Then it should be his choice whether he wants to ontinue putting up with you or not.

AuntieStella Sat 04-May-13 12:16:10

"Ihear what you're saying and a yr ago would have had the same view about people who cheat. I wont judge anyone as harshly in the future"

So 'affairs are wrong except when I want one'?

But tying yourself up in knots about guilty feelings isn't going to help you now. Using the guilt productively is.

If you want to be single, as you said in one post, start a divorce. Yearning to be single in the abstract doesn't help anything. Either do it or don't.

And a nod to the practicalities. If the betrayed wife finds out who you are, will she tell your H? For if this could happen, then you need to think about whether that is the way you want him to find out. This is, again, a choice for you.

LookingForwardToMarch Sat 04-May-13 12:15:26

A couple of posts up

I cant help how I feel about OM

And you should be judged, harshly.

Leavenheath Sat 04-May-13 12:11:35

Well I hope he finds out then. The OM's wife will have been doing some digging and she might contact your husband.

confusionoftheillusion Sat 04-May-13 12:08:16

Not sure leavenheath...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now