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If anyone is still awake, please help me

(96 Posts)
SneakyNuts Thu 17-Jan-13 23:14:21

I don't know how to word this, I can't even be bothered to name change

I woke 'D'P up earlier as he had fallen asleep on the sofa- when he woke. He swung at me sad

I suggested he go to his parents for the night and that he had scared me. Then he smashed up my laptop which had the only copies of all Dd's photos.

I'm fucking devastated

He is not a good dad if he attempts to hit you, your dd loves you and wouldn't want to see you hurt, let alone the message that gives about how she should be treated in relationships when she gets older.

He is taking no responsibility for his behaviour with the accusations of emotional blackmail and power trip, he will do this again, maybe it will be worse, maybe your dd will see it, do you want her to go through that?

If a complete stranger took a swing at you and smashed up your property would you see it as overreacting?

AnyFucker Fri 18-Jan-13 00:39:41

I don't you to say anything to me

i want you to say to yourself that you and dd are worth more than this.

I used to sit at the top of the stairs as a child, listening, while stuff like this was going on. My mum thought I was never aware of anything.

AnyFucker Fri 18-Jan-13 00:39:53

don't want

KatherinaMinola Fri 18-Jan-13 00:42:50

OP, you need to get out right away, especially for your daughter's sake. He is exhibiting classic abuser behaviour (you made him do it, right? It was your fault he took a swing?)

He has done it twice now. He will do it again, and very soon your daughter will witness it, or see the evidence.

Getting out now is the best thing you can do for your dd.

Sunnywithshowers Fri 18-Jan-13 00:43:31

Sneaky my XH was a fan of smashing up my belongings and our house. I was terrified. That's one of umpteen reasons he's my X.

You and your DD deserve better.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 00:47:20

Firstly, I'm sorry. I'm feeling very fragile and defensive right now. You are all helping so much.

My dad was emotionally abusive to my mum. She divorced him and she is the strongest person I know.

What am I going to do? I have no money, there's hardly room at my mums. I feel like a total fucking failure that I can't even keep my daughter safe with a roof over her head

BitBewildered Fri 18-Jan-13 00:47:49

You've done well Sneaky. You've got him out, taken photos of your laptop and told your DM. You need to think about this relationship. It's unacceptable behaviour and you are not to blame for his actions, at all, in any way. He did this.

Try to get some rest if you can. What a shit thing to happen! sad

TisILeclerc Fri 18-Jan-13 01:01:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springyhope Fri 18-Jan-13 01:48:00

You need to report this to the police. You may feel shit now, responsible or something, but you won't in future, once the heartache has passed. You'll see him for what he is: an abuser.

If you take him back he'll do it again. It'll be worse the next time (and he'll plead and say sorry and cry....). You probably can't see that your cherished partner fits what I'm saying, but he does.

AnAirOfHope Fri 18-Jan-13 02:11:36

You dont have to work it all out right now.

You and dd will be ok.

You are safe for tonight get so rest.

You did nothing wrong.

It is not acceptable for anyone to hit you, try to hit you, vandalise your things or threaten or intimadate you. You do not have to put up with that in your life.

You did the right thing.

Even if he was not abusive you still have the right to bump him and ask him to leave.

AnAirOfHope Fri 18-Jan-13 02:15:36

The best thing your dd needs are two parents that love her and a strong mother like you who respects herself and dont take no shit from anyone.

Dont for one second think you let your dd down you did not. Her Father should be ashamed of the way he treated her Mother.

cafecito Fri 18-Jan-13 02:41:19

I almost get the impression you would rather he had done something even worse to you- or abused you for longer- so that you could concretely justify asking him to leave- but AF makes an excellent point, you can ask someone to leave and end a relationship without abuse being present, you know, it's called autonomous choice. But that said, that pattern of thinking that you may have- well, doesn't it indicate to you relief that he has gone?

if any tiny part of you feels relieved, underneath all the terror and self blame and utter panic and despair and wondering how you will cope financially and whether you have done the right thing- if any little tiny part feels relieved that it could be over now - then you have absolutely done the right thing.

fwiw you've definitely done the right thing- these things don't go away, they may die down for a while but believe me, they come back and you don't want to be a statistic who wishes they ahd left the first time... 5, 10 years down the line. It took me 6 years of hell to leave. I left with no money, I was only renting. I also lost my laptop, and photos. but I got out and DS and I are safe. and free. I've had to completely rebuild my life from scratch. But safety and power over your life and setting a good example to your DD and making sure her home is filled with love and happiness and respect. That's what matters.

cafecito Fri 18-Jan-13 02:42:03

AF anairofhope

BlueBumedFly Fri 18-Jan-13 07:07:25

Are you there OP? Just wanted to make sure you had a safe night ?

CabbageLeaves Fri 18-Jan-13 07:16:42

Sneaky you are going to fly now.

I felt like you, what will I do, how will I cope, the DC will miss him...

You know what? I'm confident, my career has taken off, my DC are happy, there is no atmosphere, no walking on egg shells. It's fucking great!

The short period afterwards is tough. This is a person you have an irrational emotion called love, for. You are torn between worrying about them, knowing it cannot carry on, fear of your future etc etc. ... which is why so many go back to it or don't leave.

What AF said may have seemed blunt but you do need to recognise you never hide Abuse. Never. Kids sense it even if they don't witness or hear it. I have always said the tension, emotional, verbal abuse was worse than the physical. He started on my eldest (just verbal) when she was a teenager.. Believe me it's harder to get away the older they are. More complex and more ties and more damage already inflicted.

Like a fire...get out and stay out. You will be happy again

BitBewildered Fri 18-Jan-13 07:56:38

Hope you got some rest. It is better, you know, that he's gone.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 09:18:21

Hi all, I'm ok. I didn't sleep that well though.
My mum rang me in response to my text last night to tell me she didn't believe me. I'm feeling really lonely right now

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 18-Jan-13 09:26:44

Awww sneaky thats awful! Send her the pics of the laptop. If you take the laptop to PC world they may be able to get the pics of it, and if you report it to the police your Ex will have to pay for a replacement.

My Ex was abusive, everything i did seemed to piss him off. Even when i was trying to be 'good'. I am sooooo glad i am not with him anymore. I don't have any family near me, but had some amazing friends who helped me.

Stay strong, don't let him back in, not even to pick up his stuff. Think how much better your DD's life will be without him. You are very brave smile

AlienReflux Fri 18-Jan-13 09:41:17

What? That's very strange, is she normally like this with you?

sneaky can I ask, the first time this happened did he hit you? or try to hit you? is he normally abusive in his ways? the way he talks to you, treats you etc?

Things will get better love, is there any way you can stay in the house? Housing benefit?

Let us know your worries, we can help.

lowercase Fri 18-Jan-13 09:42:48

It is better to be lonely than abused!

Why don't you give woman's aid a call, they can help you clarify some things, get support.

You have done the right thing by protecting yourself and your daughter.
It's not always easy to do, but you will both reap the benefits of this in the future.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 09:43:54

I'm really close to her, but she thinks the world of him. I can barely type

AlienReflux Fri 18-Jan-13 09:45:29

You're tired love, and no doubt bitterly dissapointed in your mums stance, she may think the world of him, but what he's done is real, does she know about the last time?

Lemonylemon Fri 18-Jan-13 09:49:41

Your mum may think the world of him, but she hasn't had to live with him. You and your DD are better off without him.....

Just give yourself a couple of days to start calming down and give yourself some headspace and then you can start thinking about how to live.

If you read one of the support threads for emotional abuse, I think the poster olgaga has posted a lot of links to support organisations that you can access.

Good luck.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 10:51:57

To answer some questions-

The first time he smashed a vase, it cut up the vinyl flooring in the kitchen.
My Mum doesn't know about that. I saw my Dad treat her terribly, even pin her down on their bed when she told him to leave- I was the one to run in and stop it...why won't she believe me?

DP said he will tell her what happened. He is really very sorry and is getting the laptop fixed ASAP. He's missing DD and she is missing him.

PeppermintPasty Fri 18-Jan-13 11:02:03

Sneaky, have you got a good friend you can call?

There may be a whole host of reasons why your Mum is acting like this. Pure speculation on my part, but she may be in denial simply because she is desperate to believe that you would never be in a similar situation to her.

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