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He says he doesnt know whether he wants to be with me anymore

(109 Posts)

And it feels like everything has just been ripped from me.
He says he still loves me and was trying to comfort me but insists that he "doesn't know where his head's at" and his "head is really messed up right now" and that he doesn't know what he wants.
There was a week of feeling very distanced preceding this but before that everything was fine.
We were the strongest couple I knew and he is my best friend. All I want is him to comfort me but obviously that's not going to happen.
We've been living together for 3 years and share everything including a dog.
Our whole future is planned together, everything, so I feel so completely lost and empty. Everything I think of has changed because our lives so completely revolved around one another.
I just want to curl up and die because there is nothing left.
If he did leave me I would die because I can't see how it could be any worse than this

freeandhappy Tue 08-Jan-13 19:48:09

Sorry I meant your dream of the land and building the house and your lives together all mapped out at 21. Are you just messing saying you want to die then? I don't mean to be harsh but I've known some real emotional blackmailers in my time and I'm very wary of it. Refusing to accept that there might be more to someone than fits your ideal of them eg he would never be with someone else suggests to me that you are not able to really honour his difference from you. You sound quite controlling. Back off and calm down with mapping out the next 60 years! Sounds totally over the top to me and like you are trying to bind yoursel to him with the dog and everything. Can you see that might be claustrophobic. Is he scared of breaking up with you do you think?

I have deliberately kept away from him the severity of my feelings but understand that I also suffer from depression and wanting to die isn't just restricted to this circumstance.
I have always been the one pulling away from him - he's the one that has set up this life plan and I've gone with it. It was me, 6 months ago, that was considering breaking off because I was feeling smothered.
I have never restricted him from what he wants to do.
I understand where you're coming from here but the reason this has been such a shock is that its always been the other way round! It's taken this for me to really realise how I feel. Which is another huge surprise! I knew I would be upset but I didn't expect to feel so strongly about it!

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 08-Jan-13 20:45:53

I promise you:
1) you won't die without him
2) one day you'll be grateful you met someone else and will see this one wasn't right for you.

I know it hurts like hell and it took me a long time to get over my ex so I get it. This isn't to say it will take a ling time wink.

ImperialBlether England Sat 12-Jan-13 15:48:27

OP, sorry to carry on with asking about the OW. You say he works in an all male environment then comes straight. Yet you're not at home a lot of the time, are you? You're working away.

I remember sitting in a pub with my friend, fifty miles away from home (I was on a course and living away three nights a week) and saying "It's as though he's having an affair, but how can he be? We're always together!" My friend said she almost had her head in her hands at the time.

One of the lovely things about being young is that you don't look for disaster, you haven't the experience of finding out what people can do to each other and you think you do know someone, when perhaps an older woman might realise you can never completely know someone.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 12-Jan-13 15:53:41

Meanwhile, on AIBU, OP has been offered the chance to work away either all week or all weekend, and her OH said he prefers her to work at weekends so he can see his mates instead of spending time with her. The plot thickens. Or more accurately, proceeds with depressing predictability. (How very much easier it is to see the wood when you're not standing in the middle of all those trees.)

ipdipdog Sat 12-Jan-13 16:00:41

My feeling is that this will not end well. Sorry.

dequoisagitil Sat 12-Jan-13 16:14:49

Oh dear, Annie sad.

Wanksock Sat 12-Jan-13 17:49:24

I think there could be someone else, I am sorry!! I was with my ex for 4 years when he began cheating on me, when I found out (age 20) it was a massive shock - I did not see it coming, thought we were happy and he had always been the one 'more into me' etc etc. In fact, everyone found it hard to believe. In hindsight he had been going out with a different group of friends more than with our mutual friends.

Hopefully I am wrong and the same isn't happening to you!! Although after I finally left the bastard (!), I started going out with my now DH.

I could have probably posted most of that at 21 too.

Never, EVER, make one man such a prime focus of your life. If you learn anything from your heartbreak learn that. There is so so much more to come. You think there isn't but you've only just dipped your toe in. I was with the 'love of my life' for three years too. Sobbed myself to sleep for months and months when he dumped me.

25 years on do you know how many times i think of him? Maybe once a year if that and only to realise what i didn't then - it was never going to work.

You need to start building on a new life, work, hobbies, new friends.
Be young!!

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