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He says he doesnt know whether he wants to be with me anymore

(109 Posts)

And it feels like everything has just been ripped from me.
He says he still loves me and was trying to comfort me but insists that he "doesn't know where his head's at" and his "head is really messed up right now" and that he doesn't know what he wants.
There was a week of feeling very distanced preceding this but before that everything was fine.
We were the strongest couple I knew and he is my best friend. All I want is him to comfort me but obviously that's not going to happen.
We've been living together for 3 years and share everything including a dog.
Our whole future is planned together, everything, so I feel so completely lost and empty. Everything I think of has changed because our lives so completely revolved around one another.
I just want to curl up and die because there is nothing left.
If he did leave me I would die because I can't see how it could be any worse than this

Ach, x-post again!

I agree to be wary of the apologies.

Maybe he just had a wobble, and everything really is fine.

Or maybe he was just momentarily brave enough to say what he really feels and is now panicking and backtracking, but his doubts are still there.

You need to have a big talk. I would go into it with the approach of: okay, this is our chance to really be honest and share all our problems and concerns, to be brutally honest, and then at the end see whether we can make it work.

Don't let him get away with just 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.' Something made him feel that way. Maybe he's frustrated that you don't go out anymore, that you are both too stressed out with things, who knows? But if you are going to get past this, you need to really address what's going on.

And while it's great that you're realising you need to make some changes if you stay together, don't put it all on yourself -- he will need to make some changes too, learn how to communicate better, manage stress better, so he is never this cruel to you again.

Our finances are pretty straight forward. Seperate accounts plus a joint that we pay weekly amounts into for shared bills.

mumat39 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:29:46

This comes to mind

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it was always yours, if it doesn't, it never was."

A bit sad but very true.

If you have lost contact with friends and aren't very sociable, he could be feeling the pressure of being your everything, if that makes sense. Then he goes out on NYE, on his own and then you get jealous about it, even though you had to work.

Maybe, he just needs to feel that he can go out without worrying that it might upset you. I'm speaking from experience, and DP used to feel like that when I had lost touch with people and hardly went out.

I think the best thing you can do is make contact with friends again or even arrangements with some work colleagues and go out and enjoy yourself without him. I think I used to be quite suffocating without meaning to be. I had massive insecurity issues and was always very clingy but didn't actually realise this unil DP and I talked. He then old me that it worried him that I was so reliant on him. I've always been very independent but had o admit that he was right.

I love my DP very much, but he is no longer my be all and end all, if tha makes sense.

If you can, let him have some head space while he decides what he wants. In the meantime, get out and start getting our friends back as they really are important. And show him that you're having fun without him. I don't have any fiends for lots of reasons to do with things that happened before I met DP, and I think that was the root of my problem. It made me focus more on him than was healthy I think. I didn't really start to feel better or recognise this until I started taking antidepressants as I was really not happy within myself, if that makes sense.

Sorry if this is a rambling post. Some of what you said reminded you of me a few years ago.

Take care and remember, whatever happens will be for the best. xxx

mumat39 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:31:53

Sorry, reminded me of you.

We had a big talk last night where we both spoke about how we had slipped into an "essentials routine" where we just did what needed to be done. We both agreed that we should make effort to enjoy our twenties more and he was the one that immediately said " I still want to save for our future" (you can see why I'm confused over everything)
We established that we're not so much as moving too quickly but moving too... Boringly I guess you could say.

Mumat I'm only two paragraphs in to your post but want to say that you've hit the nail on the head! That's EXACTLY whats going on - me not going out made him feel guilty about enjoying something I didn't (we spoke about that too)
[blushes] will read rest of post now

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 10:35:15

"He thinks he fucked up by suggesting the end of the relationship prematurely."

Damn right he did. He's gone from 'love' to 'not sure I want to be with you' to 'love' in the space of a few days... and is expecting everything to be just peachy and carry on as if nothing happened. You just don't do that to people and blithely hope there are zero consequences.

Cogito - don't we all have that? I do. I just don't make the mistake of verbalising it

PileOfSheet Tue 08-Jan-13 10:38:07

I'd suggest you add more depth to your life than just this man. Regardless of how the relationship plays out, it's important that other things also define who you are, e.g. hobbies, friends. It'll make you more independent and as such, more desirable. By making him the sole purpose for your being, you are giving him all the power which is never healthy within a relationship. And this is from the POV of another 'quarter-life crisis male :P.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 10:39:46

No. In a solid relationship based on mutual love and respect you can always tell each other that something has annoyed or upset or offended you. You can say you don't like the action..... what's utterly wrong is to say you've stopped loving the person themselves. You only cross that bridge when you don't want to come back....

ErikNorseman Tue 08-Jan-13 10:41:13

What are you saving for? Is it adventure, or house in the suburbs? I'm all for forward planning but at 26 you can have more going on than work, study and saving money. Perhaps it's not you he is fed up with, but your somewhat narrow lifestyle? It could be that he has felt resentful about your lack of social life for a while, and NYE was a catalyst. You need a lot of openness and talking. And get a life outside your boyfriend!

izzyizin Tue 08-Jan-13 10:43:17

If you want to do a Miss Havisham I've got some cobwebs that would be the envy of the Beeb's props department I can let you have grin

Cognito - he never said he doesn't love me, he made a point of saying that he really does. He says that he doesn't know what he wants in life anymore.

ErikNorseman - saving for us to buy land and build our own house. And I think that you are right, thats the conclusion we both came to (not so eloquently) and that my mother (who knows us back to front) did. We do live a very narrow lifestyle and I think that it has reached the make or break point

and wasn't going to say it before because it will no doubt open a whole new can of worms but he if he is "only" 26 then I'm sure my being 21 is going to affect people's opinions

Issyizin fantastic! When can you send them? (do you also have a CD of violin music, preferably played by an unnaturally small instrument, that I can borrow?)

AlwaysDreaming Tue 08-Jan-13 10:49:56

I'm sorry to say this , but i think something happened on new years eve with someone .

melika Tue 08-Jan-13 10:51:57

I was living with my DH from age 22, got a dog etc. never has he doubted whether he wanted a life with me. If anything, he is more clingy now than then (ha, when I was more attractive!) Believe me I think he could replace me at any time, he is quite resilient in that way. I don't think you should forget this episode but maybe forgive him, and like others said, get an outside life in what ever form it may take.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 08-Jan-13 10:52:33

You sound very naive. Sorry. I giess that's the shock. He doesn't even feel the need to excuse himself, it's all you doing it.

Thanks, Melika.

DrinkFeckArseGirls - probably true

OP you are right that the fact that you are 21 will affect people's opinions. Because you are so young and just as dramatic about relationships as 21 year olds can be sometimes That means, like it or not, that you are changing and will continue to change (probably) a lot over the next few years. It may well be that this relationship isn't your 'forever' relationship. You could end up being the one who walks away from it, and could look back and be really glad you did! Or it may work out fine. But you are so young that to hold onto any relationship for grim death is just not right.

But I was just the same when I was your age - and I wouldn't have listened to anyone saying otherwise blush

The only that changes for me, knowing you are 21, is that I would urge you even more strongly to get out there and live!

It's very admirable that you're mature enough to work hard and save money for the future, but this really is the time to enjoy your freedom, make friends, experience the world, explore all your options in life.

I wonder if your trust issues are in some way spurring you to settle down at a young age. You've found a guy, you don't think you will ever find anyone else like him, so you are focused on building your life with him, settling down, etc.

Don't let your fears and trust issues keep you from exploring life more fully. If he is the right guy for you, he will be there whether you buy a house or not, whether you have savings or not.

You have sooooooo many years ahead of you. Don't put all your eggs in one basket just yet!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 08-Jan-13 11:19:20

You are 21 and you gave up full-time Uni to live with this guy? You have lost contact with friends and no longer go out AT ALL so that you can save money?

Bloody hell. You need to get out there and live your life. You are so, so young.

No wonder you feel like your whole life revolves around him, he has been your whole adult life.

Go away and have a holiday without him. Broaden your view and see a bit of the world. Then when you come back, reassess your narrow life and relationship.

HappyNewHissy Tue 08-Jan-13 11:21:03

If you are only 21, I think it's HIM that ought to worry that YOU'LL wake up one day and take a cold hard look at your life and feel the need for more fun in it.

AlexanderS Tue 08-Jan-13 11:24:50

I read somewhere that men are much more likely to settle down after they turn 28 or so, because they experience a considerable drop in testosterone round about this age (an astrologer would say it's because they've been through their first Saturn Return, but hey (Saturn returns to the position it was in when you were born every 28 years, and supposedly, leads to tumult and confusion (and, ultimately, growth). Could be why all these rock stars kill themselves with drug overdoses aged round about that age)). He has been with you from the age of 23 to the age of 26. He is almost certainly feeling the urge to go sow his wild oats a bit more. There is nothing you can do about that. He is being cruel by leaving you dangling. Take back the initiative and end it.

I think it's really sweet that you think you can't carry on without him, but it's not true (been there).

AlexanderS Tue 08-Jan-13 11:27:21

Was your age too, and had been with him for three and a half years.

AlexanderS Tue 08-Jan-13 11:29:23

Sorry, and, supposedly, leads to tumult...

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