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He says he doesnt know whether he wants to be with me anymore

(109 Posts)

And it feels like everything has just been ripped from me.
He says he still loves me and was trying to comfort me but insists that he "doesn't know where his head's at" and his "head is really messed up right now" and that he doesn't know what he wants.
There was a week of feeling very distanced preceding this but before that everything was fine.
We were the strongest couple I knew and he is my best friend. All I want is him to comfort me but obviously that's not going to happen.
We've been living together for 3 years and share everything including a dog.
Our whole future is planned together, everything, so I feel so completely lost and empty. Everything I think of has changed because our lives so completely revolved around one another.
I just want to curl up and die because there is nothing left.
If he did leave me I would die because I can't see how it could be any worse than this

baremadness Tue 08-Jan-13 09:48:46

You need to back off and start planning a GOOD life without him. He may well be having a crisis and if he is he will come running back. Just dont hang around waiting for it to happen. if it is meant to be it will, but you cant make it.

baremadness Tue 08-Jan-13 09:50:59

HIS issues are not your fault. The distancing makes it clear that he had these feelings. You asking the question may have made him say something now rather than drag it out but it didnt make the feelings appear.

badinage Tue 08-Jan-13 09:56:40

If all this started on New Years Eve and he seemed perfectly ok over Christmas and before, it's stark staringly obvious that something happened that night and possibly since.

When you say your whole life revolves around him, how literally do you mean?

Have you lost contact with friends, or put other aspects of your life on hold because of this relationship?

Assuming you're also around the 26-mark, one of the best life lessons you'll learn from this is not to invest your whole life's purpose in one individual.

I would plan a new life also without him in it in any shape or form. You should not remain friends post separation.

His issues are his alone, do not take ownership of them. I would think also that someone else has caught his eye.

I'm so sorry. Please don't blame yourself or make any excuses for him. I honestly don't believe people break up happy relationships because they are stressed out about other things. What's more likely is that he has had some frustration with your relationship -- and probably not even with you personally, just with the commitments that living with someone entails -- and because he is so stressed with other things he can't deal with it anymore.

When I have broken up serious relationships in the past, it must have seemed quite sudden to them. This is because I would have lingering worries or doubts or frustrations, but things would be generally good so I would try to ignore them and be happy. But then something would happen, even something minor, and I would just feel I couldn't do it anymore.

You have to start to accept that you will probably never understand why he's doing this, because no matter what he says, it's probably not the real real reason.

I know it's hard but you need to try to shift from 'why?' to 'what now?' Start getting your head around sorting out a new life for yourself. I totally understand that feeling of just wanting to die but believe me, it will go away and you will be happy again. But in the meantime, try to be kind to yourself, stop torturing yourself with trying to understand something that you never will, and lean on friends for support. It will get better.

I guess I've lost contact with a few friends but that's never really bothered me since I was never that sociable. I stopped going out completely about a year ago and don't drink at all anymore which I don't miss.
We share the same goals and I took on a lot of extra work so we could put away more money towards our future. That's one of the reasons I stopped doing things outside the house too so we can save money to do everything we want to.
I switched from FT uni to distance learning so i can work more so I've probably been very tired and stressed (same as he is) which isn't helping.

shine0ncrazydiamond Tue 08-Jan-13 10:04:53

Sorry to read this but he IS allowed to end a relationship you know! I cannot see where he is tormenting the OP.. he is trying to be 'nice' isn't he? And when you share a house etc, you can't just up sticks and leave in the space of ten minutes can you?

OP, he has told you something loud and clear here. he no longer wants to be with you. now, you can blame this on his mid life crisis < err at 26? > or his studying or whatever... or you could try and accept that he is done with the relationship but it is not your fault. People end relationships every day for lots of reasons. It's a normal thing.

It's also a painful thing and i know the agonies only too well, what with being practically in my dotage now. It never gets easier.

Your best bet now is to sort out how you will move forward re the house and dog and then concentrate on healing and NOT seeing him. Which only prolongs the agony.

Thank you, dreamingbohemian. You make a lot of sense.

My other, much smaller at the moment, concern is how I'll ever be able to find a relationship like we had. Not just because of him but I have huge trust issues with men daddy issues and he is the only man I have ever completely trusted

badinage Tue 08-Jan-13 10:06:32

Friends are worth their weight in gold and you don't need to be sociable to hang onto them. Never lose your friends honey.....that's a big mistake.

Can you re-connect with any of them or do you still have someone who'll lend a listening ear?

shine0ncrazydiamond Tue 08-Jan-13 10:06:33

And trust me, death is not preferable to a life without this man. You need to get a sense of perspective in relation to that comment.

Sugarice Tue 08-Jan-13 10:06:50

The money you have saved by working so hard is in an account in your name I hope.

Viviennemary Tue 08-Jan-13 10:07:19

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's really difficult for anyone to say what his reasons are for wanting to break up. Another woman can never be entirely ruled out. That's my opinion. But you absolutely don't think it is. Then fine. I do think that severe stress can be a reason for somebody wanting a temporary break in a relationship. Because even though a relationship might be a good one people still go through bad times.

I agree that you should start building up your life and seeing friends without him although this will be very difficult. I think you will have to deal with this day by day making plans as you go along. And not worry too much about if you will be friends in six months time. Get all the support you can from friends and family.

Also, it may not have been another woman who caught his eye, just the whole carefree single lifestyle he revisited on new year's.

A big reason I broke up with my ex-fiance is that I felt suffocated, I was still young and wanted to be a bit crazy and I just wasn't ready to settle down yet.

He was only 23 when you moved in together, he's 26 now. It's really very common for those first serious relationships in your 20s to fall apart.

All texting me all apologies ATM

"I'm so sorry, I've really fucked up sad"

Just received that.

I think you're right about building a bit more of a separate life though. Regardless of what happens, this is the shock I needed to realise how much I centred him in my life.

Never put myself down as one of those women

Sorry * he's* texting me all apologies

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 10:14:05

"how I'll ever be able to find a relationship like we had."

Most people's love-lives are a learning process. You put your faith in someone and it's either returned, if you're lucky, or it's rejected if you're not. It's hurtful at times, rewarding at others, and after each experience you emerge older, wiser, warier and knowing a little bit better what you don't want in a relationship just as much what you do want. Just keep hold of that self-respect throughout and don't let anyone treat you anything other than wonderfully well.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 10:17:29

Be cool about the apologies.... He brought you about as low as you can possibly get and you shouldn't be too quick to forgive. You need to think about how you handle this very carefully.

Very good idea to develop more of a life for yourself that doesn't involve him (or any future partner). I find people respect independence but exploit reliance.

specialsubject Tue 08-Jan-13 10:18:41

sorry for you - it always feels like the end of the world when relationships end. You will not die without him.

this is the old 'if you love something, let it go - if it doesn't come back, it was never yours'. I don't understand all the angst but it does sound like game over. Fortunately you are independent financially, there are no kids and there is plenty of time for more. He is NOT the only man in the world, plenty of nice guys out there.

find out where you stand and make plans for a separation if that is what is happening. And have some self-respect.

good luck.

x-post

You're welcome smile

I do really feel for you, I remember the agony all too well! Try not to worry about the future though. I also had big-time issues re men, which made each relationship feel like a miracle, and each breakup feel like the end of the world. But I did get my happy ending eventually, I'm married now to a man who is a million times better than all those guys I sobbed over. I'm sure the same will happen for you too someday!

For now, focus on survival mode, getting through each day and re-sorting your life. But when you are a bit more settled, know that you will find happiness in life by getting out there and living -- reconnect with friends, make new plans, do fun things. badinage is right, the silver lining here is that you are learning at a young age not to get too wrapped up in one guy and one future -- there's so much more to enjoy in life.

It really will be okay. One day at a time, you will get there.

amillionyears Tue 08-Jan-13 10:19:11

I is possible that he is having an emotional affair with someone.
He may, he may not be.

When situations like yours happen, I always think it is better to give the other person some space.
If he is saying he is all mixed up, he needs space and time to sort it through.
Tough on you I know.

badinage Tue 08-Jan-13 10:23:33

I think when you're young and loved up it's easy to get cocooned and think that you don't need anyone else.

But never put all your eggs in one basket. What ever happens with m'laddo, make romance just one aspect of your life.

How do you interpret the texts? That ending the relationship was his fuck-up or that he's fucked-up the relationship by some dastardly deed?

It sounds obvious but it's so difficult because I don't want to! I don't want a life that's separate. There has been no build up and no cause, I just want my life back!!!

Can I go all Ms Haversham and sit in bed in a wedding dress?

He thinks he fucked up by suggesting the end of the relationship prematurely.

olgaga Tue 08-Jan-13 10:25:09

I would urge you to make sure your finances are properly organised in preparation for a split.

I hate to say this, but the texts sound to me as though he's keeping his options open.

Sugarice Tue 08-Jan-13 10:26:10

I wondered about how to chose to interpret the texts.

I've fucked up? hmm

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