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DH not happy because I didn't do enough for his birthday

(78 Posts)
PeppaPigStinks Fri 04-Jan-13 22:01:41

I think i need to vent- somewhere!! Sorry i think its long. The last few weeks have been awful I have had hyperemesis and only just feel human again but am very tired. - it was dh birthday today and Although I bought a card, didn't have time to get dd to 'sign' it until he gt home. He has just said least he wanted was a card first thing this morning.

In the past I've bought him clothes, computer games and other pointless crap. He moans about it. Clothes have never been good enough and have gone back or not worn. He has just told me a present would have been nice. As money is very tight we get a certain amount to spend each month on ourselves - I put at least 20 percent of this away each month and managed to save 100 to get something for him. I suggested a year pass to the zoo so he could take dd and it means we have a 'free' day out for a year. I think he wanted something more for him which I can kind of see, but we don't do much activity based days as a family as money is tight. I had asked numerous times what he wanted and he said nothing.

I had planned to make a cake with dd today but he bought and subsequently forgot cakes for work this morning so I thought I'd just put a candle in them and sing happy birthday. However - my dad turned up and needed help with some DIY and friends popped in to give him a card while I was cooking tea for us all. Because of this tea was late, I couldn't do the cake prep and dd was shattered and had to go to bed!

We have just had a row and I feel utterly crap. Feel like I really struggle to keep on top of everything and he just doesn't notice or will pick fault in what I have done!

I know I've fcked up but really- was there any need to highlight it!!!confused

Booblesonthetree Sat 05-Jan-13 14:02:06

peppa this time last year I was heavily pg, no HG but had bad sickness and heartburn which was enough. It's also DH's birthday at this time of year. He got a card off me and the DC's that DD made and an IOU! I totally forgot it was his birthday so soon after Christmas and had to improvise...
Do you know what his response was? After he stopped laughing (yes, AT me!) he said he didn't mind and made us both a brew. I got him something as a late present and we saved up a meal out for after the baby was born. That was it. He didn't get upset, he understood, because he's a bloody grown up!
Sorry but your DH needs to be more understanding about this unless he's actually 8 years old...

insanityscratching Sat 05-Jan-13 13:40:55

Dh once forgot my birthday cake (I don't even eat cake but it's a birthday ritual here even if my birthday is on Christmas Day) Dd has never let him forget it so much so that every year she says "do you remember the year Daddy forgot?" grin It's a new ritual now where dh takes dd to choose a cake each year.
I understand he was disappointed but I do think he didn't talk about it with you well.
I might only buy dh token gifts but I do cook his favourite meal and pamper him a little.

lemonstartree Sat 05-Jan-13 13:24:17

sorry I agree with the others.

For DP birthday I had arranged to spend the day in London, just with him. Calling in favours so the DC could be looked after, researching an exhibition (free) to go to, booking a small (cheap) place for lunch - planning a walk later. It didn't cost much (less than the £100) but we had a wonderful day. For my birthday, DP bought me small, thoughtful things (a few) , made me breakfast in bed, and pampered me. I think we both felt special, And I don't think you did anything to make you DH feel important or personally special, I would have been pissed off too if I were him....

motherinferior Sat 05-Jan-13 12:19:24

I like a massive fuss on my birthday, personally.

PeppaPigStinks Sat 05-Jan-13 12:14:47

Thanks everyone. He is usually of the 'I don't want a fuss' band. I asked over and over what he wanted and he said nothing.

I had planned to make a fuss- cake, banners on the door but circumstance took over.

I will make a fuss tomorrow when we can have time.

I guess I was trying to juggle too many balls and its all fallen down around me. I think I need to get my shit together!

rubyrubyruby Sat 05-Jan-13 11:53:29

birthdays are not just for kids

FFS

God forbid that an adult should be spoilt rotten and made to feel special in any way hmm

HullyEastergully Sat 05-Jan-13 11:52:37

arse

I'm astonished at the number of posters who say that "birthdays are for kids" but am glad to so many others disagreeing. Why the hell shouldn't adults want to either celebrate or have their birthday marked in some way?

I think there is probably some truth in the OPs DH having possibly had his birthday somewhat overlooked in the past because of it being so close to Xmas. I've known this happen to others in a similar position.

Mum2Fergus Sat 05-Jan-13 11:48:09

Personally Id tell him to feck off, birthdays are for kids! DP is 40 this year and has known for ages that whatever he wants to do I'll support but the arranging etc is down to him

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 05-Jan-13 11:44:26

I don't think anyone would be LTB in a reverse situation where the husband had been ill for weeks.

MirandaWest Sat 05-Jan-13 11:44:17

If it had been my birthday I'd have felt a little unappreciated tbh. Wouldn't have got sad or grumpy about it though I don't think.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 05-Jan-13 11:42:22

My DH would have been really happy with something like a zoo ticket for the family. I prefer gifts just for me :-) but it doesn't seem like a thoughtless gift.

OP did do the card, just not first thing.

Seems like something that could have been sorted out amicably and not needing "words" eg "next year, could I have my card in the morning?" would have been fine.

strumpetpumpkin Sat 05-Jan-13 11:38:59

Birthdays obviously mean a lot to him. They do to some people, just like xmas and valentines. Some bother, some dont.
You knew it would be special to him. He hasnt had a tantrum. I think you should have done more.

EmpressMaud Sat 05-Jan-13 11:38:38

I think I'd have been slightly upset with an unsigned card and no gift at all, and I really don't like a fuss on my own birthday.
An inexpensive token gift would have been enough I think. Then using the cakes would have mattered little, a small effort having been made elsewhere.

skullcandy Sat 05-Jan-13 11:34:29

i would have thought with his birthday being so close to christmas/new year that he's probably had to cope with people not really bothering/making much of an effort all his life.. i expect he feels the one person who should, is his wife.

asfarasitgoes Sat 05-Jan-13 11:31:00

Sorry to disagree with other posters but I think your dh was acting like a child and should get a grip

COCKadoodledooo Sat 05-Jan-13 11:13:16

If your dh had done this to you on your birthday you would have started a thread about what a thoughtless twat he was. If you honestly believe you wouldn't had the tables been turned then YANBU and have a heart of stone If you would have been hurt by his lack of thought then you know you did wrong.

If you apologise (genuinely) and he continues to rant then yes he's being a bit churlish and childish. I'd have been pissed off though if dh had pretty much ignored my birthday, as you have.

rhondajean Sat 05-Jan-13 10:46:56

Peppy, if this was my birthday, I would have been really hurt.

ImperialBlether Sat 05-Jan-13 00:08:04

I really don't think the zoo ticket was a present for him, was it? Surely you'd be going, and your daughter too? Which part of it was his present?

Given money is tight and you'd saved £100 and he doesn't like anything you buy, why didn't you give him the money in an envelope and tell him to treat himself? Surely he would have loved that?

And yes, the card should have been waiting there for him at breakfast time. What's the point in getting it in the evening? And of course you should've made/bought a cake - and if there was one already there then couldn't you have made something nice for dinner instead?

Be nice to him, ffs!!

Mbear Fri 04-Jan-13 23:59:07

Dh managed to do this to me for my birthday.

I really am not a grabby, gotta have loads of presents. But although he bought a card, it was never written in and he never got ds to scribble in it. Always too busy etc etc

Sorry, but it really upset me to not find 2 mins to write a damn card.

ZZZenAgain Fri 04-Jan-13 23:14:15

you makea lot of excuses but I get the feeling it just was not important to you. Of course you could have found the time to get dd to sign his card, it doesn't take hours. You could have done the 'cake prep' which you had decided was putting candles in the bought cakes. How long would that take?

If you had wanted to bake a cake you could have even if friends turn up or your dad, you just explain, we're baking a cake for dh's birthday, get them a cup of tea and get on with it. Bet your dad and/or the friends would have been fine joining in singing happy birthday to dh and having a slice of cake together. You didn't even need to stick candles in

You could have got him a voucher at least or ordered something over the internet for a present but it comes across as if you resent paying out money on him, it needs to be for a family day out_ and did you really need to go into town today? You really could not have gone tomorrow?

Make an effort tomorrow, you can celebrate birthdays a bit late

annh Fri 04-Jan-13 23:12:40

i think if you had come on here, it was your birthday and you told us that your DP hadn't bothered getting your card signed until the evening, hadn't bought you a present but suggested something that was really more for your dd, and not even managed to put candles into a ready-made cake which was actually meant for his work, we would all have told you you "leave the bastard". Whatever about the gift issue, I can't see how there wasn't enough time to get the card signed and pick up a cake when you were actually in town today? If the tables were turned, people certainly wouldn't be asking you sneeringly if you were 5!

Loshad Fri 04-Jan-13 23:10:42

sorry peppa but you have been rubbish. you knew it was his birthday, why on earth didn't you get your dd to sign his card in time. a tiny, free gesture and one you didn't bother to sort out. He is NBU to be a bit miffed, and your present is a non present. This is mumsnet at its worst tbh, if the sexes had been reversed your husband would have had a real flaming for not appreciating you, whereas you have played the sick card (really - so sick for weeks on end you couldn't pop a birthday card in front of your daughter for signing hmm)
I would apologise, and mean it.

HappyNewHissy Fri 04-Jan-13 23:07:05

Why did your Dad crash in with the flaming DIY? Why could he not have given that a miss until tomorrow?

Casmama Fri 04-Jan-13 23:05:34

Most people would do something before his birthday though, I don't really understand why you didn't get the card signed and make/buy a cake yesterday.
You could also have apologised for it and said you would make it up to him.

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