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please tell me what to do..

(85 Posts)
shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:10:47

its a recurrence of mil poking her nose in our marriage since day 1. Before Xmas she bought DH 5 underwears angry . Well, I kept calm and spoke to DH about it and told hhim to tell her it WRONG according to me! Did I overreact?? Then as usual she's been calling him nonstop everysingle day. She demanded DH spend new years eve(yes! Just before 2013) with her simply coz she is againg, how on earth is 60old and she works full time? Huh?! Anyway, that's her usual excuse that she is aging and DH has to abandon hi family duties to attend to her. I was so furious but still kept calm. DH drinks and spends an awful lot of time in the pub. So we agreed this year he'll stop and help me to raise our DD. Just yeaterday, he went out on my birthday and left me struggling with the baby on my own. Mark you, she doesn't sleep till 1am and if she does she wake up 6times sad and I attend to her all alone.So, when DH was out I told him I'm super stressed out and I need him to come home help me or go over to his mum's house(she lives 5mins away). I felt I couldn't let him in coz he's been hurting me and doesn't seem to care much about how I feel. So I locked him out and he went to his mum's. Boy! The mother drove him back this morning while I and DD were still in bed and I let them in. Mil strarted shouting at me for making his Son "homeless" hmm! I tried to explain what happened and she kept on shouting and demanding I go to mental hospital(just because I'm on anti-d's). Well, I couldn't take it antmore and I told Her off for all the things she has been doing to affect our marriage including buyng him underwears and constantly calling him and coming over un-invited. She said this is her son's house and she'll come and go when she likes plus buy him more anderwears if she wants. You can imagine how mad this was making me. The even insisted that since she is on leave, she is moving in for two weeks to look after here son. Wow! This sound like we are fighting over him now! And dh was in the othet room with DD (well done him coz I didn't want DD to see this madness.

So right now dh left with his mum and he isn't picking up my calls. Plus he took my keys so I can't leave the house. What do I do? I wnat to work my marriage out but how do I do it with thi toxic mil in the middle of us? Thanks for reading this far, hope it all makes sense coz I'm typing with anger and my hands are shaking and worried.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 15:26:35

Thanks for the link izzy will go through it. What do you think I should do ATM. I'm trying to call DH but he's not answering. I want to apologize for locking him out and we move on from this situation. I'm just feeding DD but can't stop thinking about him. sad

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 15:30:42

Just leave him cool down - ringing and ringing him isn't going to help the situation.

Get a few sets of keys cut so this can't happen again.

Pour a nice glass of wine, put a nice film on and relax - you all sound wound up like spinning tops.

You need to let things start going over your head and not reacting so hystericAlly to them. He will be back.

I agree with the others btw - the pub is more of an issue than MIL.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheMulledWine Thu 03-Jan-13 15:35:59

I'm sorry, I just don't get what the problem is here wrt MIL.

She may be close to her son but the things you describe are not that bad. You are focusing all your frustrations on your MIL.

Thing is OP, it is HIM that is giving your MIL the impression your marriage is over because he left you and went to stay with her. YOU locked him out of the house, so he had nowhere else to go but his mother's as she lives nearby.

I don't think YOU want to accept there is another woman in his life, sounds like you want him to yourself too. All this smacks of being a drama queen.

Focus on the fact that its your DH who is choosing to spend most of his time in the pub. You are defending him when you know yourself that this is unacceptable, but rather than facing up to the fact that your marriage isn't perfect or how you want t to be, you are using his mother as a scape goat.

She isn't really the problem here.

Oh and my DM bought me knickers for Xmas, I'm 32.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheMulledWine Thu 03-Jan-13 15:37:13

X post with OP

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 15:38:29

I felt I couldn't let him in coz he's been hurting me and doesn't seem to care much about how I feel

You locked your dh out of the house because 'he's been hurting' you? In what way has been hurting you?

Has he been hitting you or are you saying he's been hurting you because he went to the pub instead of staying home with you and his dd and, in your opinion, this shows 'he doesn't seem to care' about how you feel?,

As I assume there is nothing in your religion which says that it is forbidden for mothers to buy underwear for their sons at any age, I would suggest that you put your own personal cultural beliefs to one side and take no notice of whatever items of clothing your mil buys for her son.

With regard to requiring your dh to buy sanitary products for you before he went to his dm's home to unlock the living room door for her; if your cultural beliefs frown upon mothers who buy underpants for their sons after they have come of age, I'm surprised that no eyebrows are raised at men who buy intimate products such sanitary towels and tampons for the women in their lives.

In any event, as you could have used a towel, nappy, or other absorbent material until your dh returned from his dm via the local shop/supermarket, it seems that you seized upon this as further evidence of your dh putting his mother first/above you.

With regard to the suggestion that you move away from his mother, mention it to your dh by all means but I think you'll find that if anyone's going to be moving, it'll be him going back to live with his dm or you being required to move out of what your culture may well believe is 'his' home.

NB This izzy is not related to the izzy who has a new changeling.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 16:30:25

Thanks everyone for helping to see where the problem lies in this whole situation. I am still waiting for Therapy for my post Natal Dep but still taking Anti'ds. In all honestly I've realized I'm getting overly irritated and anxious not even in my r'ship with DH but also with things around me. I'm struggling to look after DD alone everysingle day. I gusee the solution is to opt for private CBT sessions rather be on the waiting list for the NHS fo soo long. I've re-read all your posts and I'm the problem. I hope DH will support me through this and we can get back to the way we were before.

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 16:32:14

You arent the problem honey, you all are - you shouldnt be alone with DD 7 days a week, he shouldnt be in pub, you shouldnt be over reacting to MIL, she shouldnt be interfering - its a vicious circle, its just all you can change is yourself.

Could MIL maybe have DD 1 afternoon a week? Give you a break and start building bridges?

rainbowinthesky Thu 03-Jan-13 16:32:48

shadesofwhite - I disagree that you are the problem. I think you may contribute to it but you sound more driven to be like this by your dh. It's no good trying to sort yourself out if he remains the same.

That's just it! While it doesnt sound like your reactions are proportionate it also doesnr sound like you're the problem.
But there's not much can be done over the internet. Do you have rl friends? Have you talked to them, asked them to be honest.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:35:01

"I hope DH will support me through this "

Everything you've written about him so far suggests that's a pretty vain hope. He's a spoilt mummy's boy and he looks after #1. Unless you think he can support you from the snug at the local then do realise that you'll be battling this very much alone ... hmm

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 16:40:20

When I say hurting I mean lots of thing but I'll share one, when DH comes home drunk and he finds I havnt cooked he flips out. When I try to explain to him (which he can see) that I'm struggling with DD he just doesn't understand. Its our first baby and its hard for me, my whole Menstrual Cycle has been affecting me and even affecting our sex life. He blames it all on me and its awful when he is drunk. To be Honest I didn't let him in for my own sake with DD. I wanted peace and quiet and I was afraid coz I hadn't done much during the day. Please understand. I just feel so isolated aNd the only Person who is close to me (DH) is not even understanding that I'm not coping well rather I feel he is very sensitive and caring with mil, its probably a jelousy thing, don't know how to deal with it all.sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:42:43

He 'flips out' because you haven't got his dinner ready???!!!! Drunk, abusive, and goes home to mummy if things get a bit tricky?

Oh dear.... you don't need CBT, you need LTB. I think you've made a horrible, horrible mistake.

He flips out, he blames you, you are scared when you haven't "done enough". I doubt you will but please leave him. You shouldn't be living like this.

rainbowinthesky Thu 03-Jan-13 16:44:55

Cogito is right. It's not okay for him to behave in this way to you, really it's not.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:46:34

In your home culture where mothers don't buy underpants for their sons OP, is it the norm for wives to be too terrified of what their drunken husbands if there's no dinner on the table that they don't let them through the door? Because in the UK the kind of relationship you're talking about is called 'Domestic Abuse', it's a criminal offence and you should not be putting up with it.

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 16:46:34

You are living with a drunk abusinve husband.

MIL is Not the problem.

You ARE NOT the problem.

DH IS the problem, let him go to mum, see how she likes it.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheMulledWine Thu 03-Jan-13 16:49:02

Oh bless you OP. He's a shit.

He's had his mother wiping his arse for him his whole life, and expects you to do the same.

Not surprising really you locked him out because he flips if you haven't cleaned up to his twatting standards. He's a pig!

I suggest you have counselling alone, to build your self esteem and kick his arse back to mummies house permanently.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:52:02

I suggest you keep the police phone number very close and that you also call the charity that does quite a lot for women in your situation - Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Do you have any friends or family that you could go and stay with for a while? Get yourself to a place of safety? And have you told anyone IRL about his behaviour?

MoRaw Thu 03-Jan-13 16:59:00

It is a shame that some people are unable to respect your cultural beliefs. It may not make sense to you and me but that is neither here nor there. It is her culture and it means a lot to her. I am sure there are things we do that other cultures think are ridiculous.

Anyway, if your mother in law share the same culture, then she would surely know that buying him underwear is unacceptable.

Your situation sounds rather difficult. If I were in your shoes, I would be tempted to hand over your husband to his mother and be off on my merry way. You need to put your husband straight. He is the problem. Your mother-in-law may be domineering but she is the least of your problem.

This is why I've been asking the op to clarify her "hurt" comment. Would have saved a lot of faffing about pants and making the op think she is overreacting (which she is but understandably)

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 16:59:58

Iam on a waiting list for Therapy but I'm on Anti-D's ATM. I'm trying to get help for my self before I make any decision. Leaving him is worrying me because I can't provide for DD. I can't afford Child care to go to wOrk to put food on the table, and if I wanted to leave, he wouldn't let me leave with DD. I'd want to go back abroad to my parents for support but my DF doesn't want me to and depend on him(he is about to retire and all his fainances are going on to his own building projects). On top of that, I wouldn't want live with my Step M who brutally abused me as a child. (my DM passed when I was 10). I'm just stuck. I'll think I'll just get myself all the help that I need to put myself back on track and move on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 17:02:48

She isn't overreacting. She's being abused by both her drunken violent DH, egged on by his mother. Got things the wrong way around by blaming mum and excusing the husband but, given that she's isolated, frightened and a long way from home, I'm not at all surprised that she's in such an emotional state.

What I mean is overreacting to her MIL buying her DH pants. But so would I be - as I said in my first post that is the lest of her problems given her controlling husband.

OP that is all shit, sorry hadn't seen your post when I replied to Cogito. Do you know what benefits you are entitled to? Not to mention support from him. You need proper RL advice and a plan on how to get out. I'm gld you at least see it as a possibility. You shouldnot be living like this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 17:06:37

Oh dear.... escaped an abusive Stepmother and a father that rejects you in favour of a building project and you've ended up with an abusive MIL and a husband that terrifies you. Not much of a swap was it?

Talk to Womens Aid and talk to the police Domestic Violence unit for advice. There is a lot of help available for women like you. They will help you get away from this man WITH your children and Social Services will not be keen to let him have access. There is state financial help for lone parents and that should enable you to work in due course. But the main priority is to get yourself safe. Anti-depressants and therapy don't prevent you being abused.

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