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please tell me what to do..

(85 Posts)
shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:10:47

its a recurrence of mil poking her nose in our marriage since day 1. Before Xmas she bought DH 5 underwears angry . Well, I kept calm and spoke to DH about it and told hhim to tell her it WRONG according to me! Did I overreact?? Then as usual she's been calling him nonstop everysingle day. She demanded DH spend new years eve(yes! Just before 2013) with her simply coz she is againg, how on earth is 60old and she works full time? Huh?! Anyway, that's her usual excuse that she is aging and DH has to abandon hi family duties to attend to her. I was so furious but still kept calm. DH drinks and spends an awful lot of time in the pub. So we agreed this year he'll stop and help me to raise our DD. Just yeaterday, he went out on my birthday and left me struggling with the baby on my own. Mark you, she doesn't sleep till 1am and if she does she wake up 6times sad and I attend to her all alone.So, when DH was out I told him I'm super stressed out and I need him to come home help me or go over to his mum's house(she lives 5mins away). I felt I couldn't let him in coz he's been hurting me and doesn't seem to care much about how I feel. So I locked him out and he went to his mum's. Boy! The mother drove him back this morning while I and DD were still in bed and I let them in. Mil strarted shouting at me for making his Son "homeless" hmm! I tried to explain what happened and she kept on shouting and demanding I go to mental hospital(just because I'm on anti-d's). Well, I couldn't take it antmore and I told Her off for all the things she has been doing to affect our marriage including buyng him underwears and constantly calling him and coming over un-invited. She said this is her son's house and she'll come and go when she likes plus buy him more anderwears if she wants. You can imagine how mad this was making me. The even insisted that since she is on leave, she is moving in for two weeks to look after here son. Wow! This sound like we are fighting over him now! And dh was in the othet room with DD (well done him coz I didn't want DD to see this madness.

So right now dh left with his mum and he isn't picking up my calls. Plus he took my keys so I can't leave the house. What do I do? I wnat to work my marriage out but how do I do it with thi toxic mil in the middle of us? Thanks for reading this far, hope it all makes sense coz I'm typing with anger and my hands are shaking and worried.

Rooobs Thu 03-Jan-13 13:13:16

how has he been hurting you?

her buying your DH underwear is the least of your problems. Him "hurting" you and controlling you is the big deal.

AbigailAdams Thu 03-Jan-13 13:16:36

I don't think your MIL is the problem. Your husband being controlling, abusive and generally not standing up for you with regards your MIL is the problem. And now he has made you and your DD a prisoner in your own house. How long for??

Why do you want to work it out? What are you getting out of it? What is your DD getting out of it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 13:17:16

Why do you want to 'work your marriage out' with a man who has no time for you, spends all day in the pub, doesn't help with his own child and who prioritises his mother over his wife? That's your first problem... a man with a very selfish, immature attitude to marriage/fatherhood/life. Not a man taking responsibility.

Second... never live five minutes from in-laws because it's asking for trouble.

Do you have family or friends that you could go and spend time with while you work out what to do next?

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:19:24

Just not helping me with DD plus his mum comes first, the other day, I was on my periods and I need DH to run to the shops and get me some pads(I get terrible menstrual cramps so it was an urgent need. Just the same time I needed him, mil called him claiming sh'd locked herself in the living room and needed dh to go over and let her out. I mean, who should come first, she could have waited for 10mins but she was crying on the phone. And I was there bleeding on my self with a 13months old crying all over the house. I couldn't attent to her coz I'd have ended up messing the carpet. Sorry its a disgusting thing to talk about but this is killing me.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 03-Jan-13 13:22:26

The pair of them sound horrid, and all 3 of you are trying to control each other (you too: locking him out is not the way respectful adults treat each other).

Why do you want to stay with him?

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:23:42

I love him to bits and he works hard to provide for us I'm a SAHM. I have no source of income, where would I go. All my family is abroad. I just don't want to give up sratight away. I want to give it abit more time and work out how I can deal with mil.

rainbowinthesky Thu 03-Jan-13 13:25:36

Shades of white - someone locked in a room comes first before a period. It just does. It's ridiculous to say you couldn't attend to your child because of this.

The problem you have is with your partner not your mil.

There is nothing wrong with a parent buying their grown up son underwear.
Why does she call every day? Is she worried about him? Your dh sounds like he is having problems so it's understandable she is concerned.
Him drinking and spending an awful lot of time in the pub- sounds like he has a problem with alcohol - is this right?
He sounds a crap father - again nothing to do with your mil.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:25:49

Hot I do admit I made a mistake for locking him out. But that doesn't give mil a right to come over yelling at me even before I had breakfast.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 13:26:11

'Who should come first'..... that's not really the problem here. MIL is just one thing calling on his time. The real issue is that he prefers to prop up the bar rather than come home and be with you. He'd rather have a good night's sleep than attend to his children. His priorities are completely up the spout way beyond his mother. Who comes first? He comes first at the moment.

I think you need to calm down, take yourself and the DCs away for a time and think about what you want out of life. The screaming matches, lock-outs & anger over 'underwears' are not making you sound very stable. You need to find some space to think clearly and rationally about what to do next

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:27:08

Rain thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 13:28:39

"I want to give it abit more time and work out how I can deal with mil. "

Have you actually tried being friendly with her? Going out for coffee with her? Getting to know her woman-to-woman? Some women see their DS's partners as a rival and a teaspoon of honey can work better than a pound of salt.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:32:34

cogito I do want to be with him. I know he is selfish but that's who he is. What bothers me is that mil controls him interms of everything. She just calls him to pour out her stress from work and gossip about DH late father's family. She thinks they want to poison her so DH stays on the phone the entire time comforting Her when I need him to around. Well, where I come from, mil are not supposed to take care of their Son in that aspect after they are married. That becomes the duty of the wife. Plus, she knows its wrong, she only did that to hurt me. Second, she wants to move in. are im£ on the wrong people?

rainbowinthesky Thu 03-Jan-13 13:37:08

The problems you have are with your dh. You are tackling the wrong person by focusing all your anger on your mil.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 13:38:40

" I know he is selfish but that's who he is"

If you're going to defend him and make excuses for his bad behaviour rather than have the self-respect and confidence to believe you are worth more than that, then you are looking at a very miserable future.

You're blaming your MIL because she's an easy target. She has a close relationship with her DS and that's normal. She buys him 'underwears'... I bought my Dad socks for Christmas.... normal. It's normal for mothers and sons to communicate by phone. It's even normal for some families to have a few generations under the same roof - although I would draw the line there. Now it sounds as though she is taking things to excess and hasn't accepted that her DS has a family of his own but SHE IS NOT THE PROBLEM. He is.

Excuse him and blame her.... sorry but I think you're deluding yourself

Bloody hell he is not your duty, only in the same way you should both be looking after each other!

In what ways does he hurt you?
Dd he deliberately leave you unable to go out today or was it an oversight?

Tbh you sound like you enjoy being a bit if a martyr. Get angry and start standing up for yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 13:43:49

How well did you know your DH before you got married? Did mother just pop out of the woodwork at the wedding? Had he kept her out of sight before then?

Vagaceratops Thu 03-Jan-13 13:52:42

I dont understand what the problem with your MIL buying your DH underwear is?

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 14:29:37

First of all let me correct the 'underwear' issue, its cultural thing, a mil is NOT supposed to do that AFTER the sone is married. Its the duty of the wife to look after the H in that aspect. DH is not a bad guy, its his mum who come in the middle everytime. Me and DH was love at fisrt site and we got married a year after knowing each other. Before we got married, we lived sepatarely and DH was living with his mum and sis. So after we married, we moved in together and had our DD. Its after that that mil's awful signs of notaccepting his son is married and that she needed to back off alittle bit. Me an her have had a good r'ship. Been going out for coffee and shopping and that's all I expected. Not her now controlling DH as though they still live together. Can anyone understand where I'm coming from or I'm simply deluded by thinking mil is too involved in my marriage? Also, this is not a first, mil from the history I've heard from her friends is that she was the reason why Dsil's husband did a runner 6mnths after their marriage. Now Dsil is single and getting old.(I'm not saying that in abad way) Our local Pastor spoke to mil and told her she needs to stay away from her childrens marriages and leave them to work things on their own, but never does. So, I don't want to give up on my marriage just because mil is getting on my nerves. I just want to know how to deal with her and slowly but surely let mu DH understand that his mum is evil.

I'm sorry I can't advise someone who thinks its the wife's duty to buy the man's underwear.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 14:32:57

...when I say evil I mean she is on the wrong by getting involved soo much in out r'ship. Plus DH also admitted its wrong for his mum to buy him that "stuff".

And if ahe is controlling your Dh then your Dh needs to deal with it. Or you need to leave him.

In what way does he hurt you ans did be intentionally leave you unable to go out by taking your keys?

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 14:34:57

SPB is fine, you don't have to. some women have cultural belives and we surely respect them.

It is not inherently wrong for a mother to buy her son underwear. it is not wrong for a wife to buy her husband underwear. The other option is he buys his own underwear. When alls said and done they're just pants.

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