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Been together a year, never had sex
(134 Posts)I'm a regular but have name changed though I think I'll still be recognised.
Background so as not to drip feed: I'm 24 and have been with my absolutely brilliant bf (32) for a year. We live together, he's my best friend, doting male role model to my toddler dd. I really can't speak more highly if him. The problem is me.
My daughter is 2.7. I had a horrendous birth including: 3a tear with failed stitching in theatre, MROP, PPH, rectocele, full restitch at 3months postnatal including rectocele repair. All aged 21. My dd's father left us when she was 2 weeks old and has seen her just 5 times in her life.
Since all these birth problems I have been absolutely phobic of sex. It literally terrifies me. I have tried it three times before I met my bf just to "get on with it" but each time the bloke was so rough I bled. My fear is of re tearing.
I had my restitch privately by a fab surgeon and have been checked umpteen times by her, colleagues, GPs, women's physio, and just for an Mot a sexual health doctor who have all insisted I'm anatomically fine. It's in my head 
I've been to a psychosexual counsellor, tried dilators, massage I just can't process the thought of full intercourse.
My boyfriend is amazing. He doesn't push me or probe me at all. We regularly do everything else including oral and fingers which I love it's the thought of intercourse that I fear.
Due to my PPh at birth I had subsequent period problems too so have both a coil and the pill together .
I really want to get on with it. We love each other like crazy and I'm so grateful for him putting up with me. I'm just scared. Please help.
God that was long,
no 
turkey basters, whatever, trying to be a bit light hearted. Just my opinion, so tell me to piss off if needs be, but you seem so focused on it having to work. Try to get a bit of fun as well, not trying to minimilise what you're going through in any way and I can completely understand how upsetting it must be having had a traumatic first birth myself. I just feel sad that you've had a setback and seem so despondent when you've been doing so well and wanted to be encouraging.
Don't tell him to go away 
You got PMT or something, darling? He won't need to wait for ever - you're making progress together and you're working as hard as you can on it.
No pmt! just feel like shit today
Right, I gave myself a huge slap last night Got myself a free trial appointment with a CBT therapist tomorrow and following psychosexual counsellors go at me for not following "the steps", last night I did as I was told and attempted a vibrator as bf is away and I had some peace! It's ahem a beginner's one so quite small in diameter but about 5" long and I reckon I got about 4" in without discomfort albeit a LOT of lube. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have such a respectful and supportive partner which makes me want to crack this even more.
So last night i made a little progress. Today is the day I'm going to start facing my fear head on and. Today is going to be the first day of the rest of my life.
Up yours phobia!!
Not impressed with your counsellor. Didn't think they were supposed to make you feel shit.
I am not a counsellor, however vibrators are hard. Fingers can be hard and a bit boney. A stiff penis has a natural slight give/squish. They are not as hard. Dies that make any sense
I think they feel nicer.
Insecure,
Men don't have a need for penetrative sex (and as a man, I should know this). To be honest, they don't "need" sex at all in the sense that they need food and water. However, most men who arre given regular orgasms by their partner are pretty happy with the situation. I think this fear is really coming from you and you need to actually believe that your partner remaining with you is absolutely not dependent on your ability to have penetrative sex.
I would suggest that you have fun reciprocal oral sex and let him stimulate you orally and then simultaneously place one and then two fingers inside you. Then, when you are fully aroused and relaxed, and only if you want to, you can let him lie on the bed and gently lower yourself onto him while remaining in control. That way you get to control the depth of penetration and all the other variables which are worrying you. If you are enjoying the oral and manual stimulation, though, don't feel obliged to go any further. One day you will want to....and you will thoroughly enjoy it and so will your partner.
I totally understand how this has become a phobia but I think you will only deal with it when you let go of the idea that having a happy relationship is dependent on vaginal sex. It really isn't. And a couple of glasses of wine may help
Larry - so nice to hear another man's view on this! So my bf really isn't spouting nice words just to shut me up . We have the best kisses and cuddles ever and do enjoy oral sex and reciprocal hand/finger jobs though probably not as frequently as we could.
Insecure,
Seriously, if a man finds a woman attractive and kind, then sex of any kind is a bonus . He is probably just chuffed that you love him and find him attractive.
A lot of the sexual issues posted on here about differential sex drives etc are more where one partner is either using sex as a weapon or have a ludicrous level of entitlement, which probably extends into other areas of their lives too. Where someone clearly has a physical issue, normally people work around it one way or the other. Otherwise, paraplegics could never form sexual relationships, and they clearly do.
I think that if you just relax and remember that you ARE having great sex already, then this problem will disappear pretty quickly.
I could kiss you!
I totally agree with larry (wow, that feels weird ) OP you have absolutely nothing to worry about and please take this at your pace. Don't feel like it's something you have to "fix" for him or that he'll be secretly harbouring resentment etc, because he really won't be.
Oh I know I'm lucky I've got a great man 
. I just want to fix this for me, regain my femininity and work towards ttc dc2 next year. I have my first CBT appointment at 12 today eeek!
Second success with vibrator yesterday not actually vibrating though but IN!
Good luck, Insecure24, I hope it goes well for you. Please let us know how it goes. Following the break up of my relationship I've moved counties so need to start at square one again by going to GP. In my last county I was assessed by their MH team but they said I wasn't eligible as my previous doctors surgury didn't subscribe to the service I needed. Hopefully I'll have more luck at my new place, although the thought of having to explain everything to another stream of strangers is depressing.
As I said, hope all goes well. x
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