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Been together a year, never had sex

(135 Posts)
Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 11:18:28

I'm a regular but have name changed though I think I'll still be recognised.

Background so as not to drip feed: I'm 24 and have been with my absolutely brilliant bf (32) for a year. We live together, he's my best friend, doting male role model to my toddler dd. I really can't speak more highly if him. The problem is me.

My daughter is 2.7. I had a horrendous birth including: 3a tear with failed stitching in theatre, MROP, PPH, rectocele, full restitch at 3months postnatal including rectocele repair. All aged 21. My dd's father left us when she was 2 weeks old and has seen her just 5 times in her life.

Since all these birth problems I have been absolutely phobic of sex. It literally terrifies me. I have tried it three times before I met my bf just to "get on with it" but each time the bloke was so rough I bled. My fear is of re tearing.

I had my restitch privately by a fab surgeon and have been checked umpteen times by her, colleagues, GPs, women's physio, and just for an Mot a sexual health doctor who have all insisted I'm anatomically fine. It's in my head hmm

I've been to a psychosexual counsellor, tried dilators, massage I just can't process the thought of full intercourse.

My boyfriend is amazing. He doesn't push me or probe me at all. We regularly do everything else including oral and fingers which I love it's the thought of intercourse that I fear.

Due to my PPh at birth I had subsequent period problems too so have both a coil and the pill together .

I really want to get on with it. We love each other like crazy and I'm so grateful for him putting up with me. I'm just scared. Please help.

God that was long,

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:25:00

Would anyone mind if I keep this thread as a diary? I don't expect replies smile

Solo Thu 03-Jan-13 18:33:36

Have you considered hypnosis? find a good and recommended hypnotherapist and see if that can help?
Good luck! smile

WakeyCakey Thu 03-Jan-13 18:40:51

A diary sounds like a good idea.
The main thing is not to punish yourself by feeling bad for your dp. He sounds like a lovely bloke! He obviously loves you and there is more to the two of you than sex!
I wish I could help but have no experience just want to say you seem really lovely and just make sure every step you are taking towards sex is because of you

Kundry Thu 03-Jan-13 18:45:04

I haven't been through what you went through but do have primary vaginismus. After my first relationship (had sex once in 1 year) I avoided relationships for 12 years as I was convinced I couldn't have sex ever.

Eventually I met my now DH and realised I wanted to change that situation. I knew mentally what I was supposed to do with dilators but having never managed to insert a tampon, it was just too hard to do. And I was mortified about going to my GP about it.

A bit of googling and I found www.vaginismus.com While it is based on dilators (yes, there is no way out of that) and a bit American, you get a workbook to go through and access to a confidential forum.

No way would I have got past dilator 2 without the forum and dilators alone wouldn't have worked for me without the workbook which addressed all my fears and advises on how to do it with your partner. Plus you get the advice of hundreds of women who have been in exactly the same situation as you (there is a whole group for women with secondary vaginismus).

And their first dilator is a cottonbud so totally non-scary. They also advised that fingers are much more difficult than dilators - so true, I can do one finger but not 2 although worked my way through all but the biggest dilators.

Have a look and see what you think but I found it rather like mumsnet but just for vaginismus.

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:45:46

Thanks for the suggestion solo, I'll look into it smile

Thanks wakey. Such nice people on mn grin

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:47:42

Thanks kundry. Been to GP and they said as I can insert a small tampon and size 2/3 of 5 dilators, it isn't vaginismus. Hmm.

LaCiccolina Thu 03-Jan-13 19:21:26

Have u tried a vibrator? I can recommend myla. They do one called ' bone' which is quite narrow at one end and fat and flatter at the other. It's smooth plastic and surprisingly well shaped. I wondered after reading another poster suggesting u try putting something up there on ur own to gain confidence? It's a bit pricey ill admit and I don't suggest u actually turn it on just insert it a bit at a time to find out where ur comfortable etc?

It's just a very nice very plain looking vibrator that has no colours or penis like design really. It might though help u? Some of them are so scary looking and I thought maybe u wouldn't know of this firm. They do very pretty underwear too. It's online/postage as well as shops in London.

Junebugjr Thu 03-Jan-13 19:28:08

Hi insecure.

Another one here who had the FULL birth experience as you did - crap birth, restitch, repair etc. I have also developed vulvodynia from my experience too.

It took me 18months to gather the courage to ahem, get back on the wagon. Mine is complicated by the vulvodynia of course. I won't lie, the first 5/6 times I was terrified, as in the post partum poo terrified, TMI I know but gives you a feel of how scared I was grin

The first few times were slightly painful and weird feeling, but I think that was more to do with sheer terror. Since then we've had sex twice a month, I'm still slightly scared, but have confidence now my poor old vag won't rip open.

I didn't use any dilators etc, but could see how they would be confidence building.

Lube, lube, lube.

Weird and tmi tip sorry, but try not to have an orgasm before sex, get to the brink, and then try PIV sex, if pleasurable, the nice feelings may condition you to get less scared over time. This obviously is to try after the first few times.

You will get there and your not the only one, it can be incredibly lonely and isolating, experiencing sexual dysfunction when all around us is sexuality on the tv, and adverts etc. I've been teary at a few things on tv, making it obvious that people have an active sex life.

Psychosexual counselling obviously, but no experience of this!

AnotherPoster Thu 03-Jan-13 19:41:50

Using this thread as a diary is a great idea, and I will certainly look in from time to time to cheer you on. The other thing you can do, if you want to, is use this space here to set yourself some little target, a bit like some Mners do on the housework threads. They set themselves jobs to do, and come back when they have done them. It might give you a bit more of an incentive. But if you feel that would be putting too much pressure on yourself, then ignore the idea. smile

I am a bit shocked at what you wrote here: 'as I can insert a small tampon and size 2/3 of 5 dilators, it isn't vaginismus'. I have always been able to insert tampons, and, while I don't exactly know what the size of these dilators are, I have had smear tests. Yet, even now, many years since my husband and I started having intercourse, he still has to penetrate and then wait for me to relax before I free up enough for him to be able to thrust. I thought that was vaginismus, but according to your GP, because I can use tampons, it isn't confused. Surely there are degrees of vaginismus? I am off to check kundry's site anyway...

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 19:52:01

I was surprised too Another. The GP/counsellor said that people with vaginismus would struggle to insert a cotton bud. Ok so I can insert something with a little larger diameter but the fear and trepidation is enormous!

AnotherPoster Thu 03-Jan-13 19:58:28

I think they are talking rubbish tbh. I just looked at the vaginismus.com site and it says there are degrees of vaginismus and some women with the condition are perfectly able to insert tampons. Have you looked at the site? I briefly read through the definitions of vaginismus, causes, treatment, etc. Under treatment, there is a 10 step plan. Unfortunately, it doesn't go into that much detail, and you are invited to buy a $99 pack to proceed, but, given the counselling you have already received, you might be able to see if the outline of the plan matches what you have been given to do. It might give you more ideas?

Kundry Thu 03-Jan-13 20:03:32

Can I just say (as a doctor but not a GP) but that your GP is talking rubbish. Also even if not vaginismus ie contracting muscles, the treatment is still going to be dilators. And if you are frightened, it doesn't really matter what it is, you need some help!

I found that initially I could get to size 2 dilator, size 3 was incredibly difficult and even when I was consistently managing the 4 I needed to build up from the small ones and actual sex took ages even when I mentally knew I should be able to do it. But I had a lovely partner who I felt safe with (unlike the arse who dumped me and said I was defective) who was willing to take as long as it needed so now is the time for you too!

What your GP prob can't give you is all the tips on how to move from one step to the next and the website gave me access to hundreds of women telling me like it was for them.

I found it revealing that I am a doctor yet my knowledge of my own anatomy turned out to be rather limited!

I'm really not on commission for that site (I would deffo have preferred one a bit less USA orientated) but I don't think I would be married now without it. Some of the stories of women who hadn't had sex for decades and yet were getting there were so inspiring. And I realised I wasn't ALONE when I'd spent years thinking I wasn't a fully working woman IYSWIM.

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:16:20

I will definitely have a good look at the 10 step plan Another. And Kundry, I admire you smile

As a side note, tomorrow my parents and my bf's parents are meeting for the first time and I feel sick lol. Sure it'll be fine, wont it?! hmm

AnotherPoster Thu 03-Jan-13 20:20:23

LOL, now that is another problem altogether and not one that comes with a 10 step guide either! But it is wonderful that your relationship has reached the point where the 2 sets of parents are going to meet. Enjoy the day. smile

Kundry Thu 03-Jan-13 20:29:24

God your parents and his parents? Wish there was a guide to that one!

Can't really explain the 10 step plan as it's less about the plan - more the way they break everything down into tiny steps, I kind of felt I had nothing to lose except the money as couldn't be worse than how I was. A lot of the steps are about pelvic floor exercises and working through writing down what your fears and memories about sex are and challenging them. Then slowly dilating, finally having sex (which BTW they recommend you start with you on top rather than missionary). But the forum access helped a lot and that is closed unless you buy the package.

If anyone finds a free vaginismus forum, that would be a marvel.

Insecure24 Fri 04-Jan-13 17:36:41

survived the parents meet up! Lovely day smile

fuckadoodlepoopoo Fri 04-Jan-13 18:14:18

Have you tried asking your boyfriend if he minds you climbing on top and just putting the tip of his penis in? (i don't suppose he would mind.)

No pressure to go further than that. Just the tip, see how it feels, then go from there.

ineverknew Fri 04-Jan-13 20:47:40

Hi Insecure I'm a name changer too. To Inever knew, because until I read this thread I never knew there was a name for what I had.
I had primary vagisimus. When I married DH (both virgins) I was keen to have sex (normal there!) but really couldnt. I really wanted to in my head, but every time we tried, I felt like my vagina had just closed up and shut him out. Fingers were fine, and I'd never had a problem with tampax.

Having just read wikipedia on the subject I have worked out where my issue came from - religious upbringing where although sex in marriage is fine, outside it is not. Although we were married, somehow my pysche/body had decided that I shouldnt do it, even though I wanted to, and we were "allowed" to now we were married.

It was incredibly frustrating, and upsetting to be willing, and ready, adn aroused, and yet it be impossible.

Luckily, like your BF, DH is a good man. I assured him this was not of my choice and he was very patient.
We did lots of other stuff, and periodically tried sex.
I'm not sure if someone has already mentioned this, but we tried him entering VERY slowly, (with me gritting teeth somewhat as he had to be quite forceful) and then just waiting. A minute or 2, with no pressure from him, and sometimes, gradually my muscles would relax, and we could then do a bit of "proper" sex. After a while, he could enter more easily, and I wouldnt be keeping him out IYSWIM? (I was always willing in this, and he was happy to stop whenever I said.)
It did take time, and preserverence, (and lots of KY) and thankfully he was great.
IT WAS WORTH IT! 12 years down the line, we have 3 lovely DC and a sex life that (well a bit quieter than it was) is great. No problems at all.

I think you're doing brilliantly- I have never told anyone all of this, not even to strangers on the internet - I was so ashamed of having a vagina that didnt appear to work properly.
Good luck - you will get past it, and it sounds like you have the right person to help you do so.
sorry it was an epic post

Insecure24 Fri 04-Jan-13 21:30:04

Thank you for that Ineverknew. So nice to read about the decent blokes in the world for a change and I admire you for persevering to have a lovely family.

. I have a beautiful dd from a previous relationship but it was an abusive one. He continually told me I was fat despite being a size 8. My self esteem was shattered so I rarely felt comfortable naked and hence over our 3 years together we had sex maybe 30 times.

A side issue really but I guess I'm just saying how lucky I am now to have someone tell me it doesn't matter and how beautiful I am. Dd will be 3 in may and I long for another baby. I hope 2013 is the year I sort this irrational, all-consuming issue out.

Insecure24 Fri 04-Jan-13 21:56:36

I don't know how to link a website from my phone but what do you ladies think of Vagi Wave? I'm quite excited by it!

Insecure24 Sat 05-Jan-13 08:02:08

Bump, Vagi wave - anyone?!

AnotherPoster Sat 05-Jan-13 09:04:20

Here is the link for others

Hmmm, I don't know Insecure. Unless anyone can tell me otherwise, that looks a bit like a scam to me. I have had a look through the whole site and not read anything that convinces me that the product does anything except sit in your vagina while you sleep. Nothing explains how it works or why, and it costs £60 so I would need to know more before I paid out that much money. Sorry to be so damning. Perhaps someone else will come along in a moment and tell you it worked for them.

Insecure24 Sat 05-Jan-13 09:17:56

It features a lot as recommended on the Embarrassing Bodies website

AnotherPoster Sat 05-Jan-13 09:23:41

Oh ok, well that makes it sound more genuine then. Does the Embarrassing Bodies website explain what it does at all?

Insecure24 Sat 05-Jan-13 10:25:46

I'm not too sure tbh. Just under vaginismus there's lots of posters who have commented that they've used it. Tbh I'm willing to try anything sad

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