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Love but not attracted to my husband... How did your stories end?

(62 Posts)
Lostwithoutacompass Mon 17-Dec-12 16:54:51

My husband is pretty much faultless, we have been married for 10 years and we have 3 children aged 5 and under. However I am absolutely no longer attracted to him but love him very much as a friend. I have done so much soul searching about this for months & months. I don't think I was ever really attracted to him but it didn't matter because we got on so well, never argued and that seemed enough but I seem to have just hit my limit on feeling guilty or uncomfortable about how i feel, or dreading having to come up with an excuse not to have sex, or comparing him to other men which i know it totally unfair. I think i want us to eventually end up in separate places, not too far from each other, co parenting in an amicable manner. I absolutely do not want to do the: date nights, new underwear, quality time away together, etc, etc. This is not about being too tired or stressed re everyday things, etc to have sex. I have taken the step of saying that I no longer feel that way about our relationship and that I would prefer to focus on our friendship which has always been our strongest asset. I know this must be killing him and I wish i could change things but since that conversation I am happier than I have been in months if not years and feel such relief so surely that says a lot..? We still have a laugh and are kind to eachother, etc. and I suppose I am waiting for him to be ready to take the next step whenever that might be. How is everyone else doing with their situations..?

CuriosityKilledTheCrapTree Wed 19-Dec-12 12:04:53

<applauds notanotherstatistic>

Lostwithoutacompass Wed 19-Dec-12 14:09:33

Notanother thanks so much for your post. I have been trying to approach this as honestly and kindly as possible but some posters here, (and popmusic, I do want to take them all into consideration otherwise what's the point of coming on here) believe I am actually being totally unfair. So I'm not quite sure what to do. I thought I was giving him space to think about it, take it in, decide what he thinks is the right thing to do but some posters think I am just creating more agony than necessary. In your experience and with the benefit of hindsight, and also without wishing to pry, would you have any advice about how we move forward, what would have helped you, what you wish ,ight have happened differently..?

Pinkdelight your post is really helpful, thank you.

However, I do just want to reclarify to everyone, I am not waiting for him to make the next move or leave. I have told him how I feel and am giving him space to take it in and work out how he feels, then we hopefully eventually find a solution together. I am trying to make sure we walk next to each other on this, not me in front or me pushing him forward.

QueenieLovesEels Wed 19-Dec-12 18:00:00

Go to counselling to unravel what is really going on here.

He will then have time to come to terms with your marriage ending-if that is the outcome. If not -you may find that you are able to communicate your way through this and feel differently about your relationship.

You are more likely to be on a more amicable footing if this relationship is over if you both feel you have had the opportunity to express your feelings.

My point is that you haven't said you have tried this yet. Also it sounds like there night be underlying resentment issues which are affecting your relationship.

These may have nothing actually to do with your husband.

Phineyj Wed 19-Dec-12 20:27:40

I agree with the poster above, go to Relate and talk ths over properly before doing anything drastic. We have been twice and they were incredibly helpful.

novembery Wed 19-Dec-12 22:57:21

I have been where you are and I did leave- long story, best in a pm. Regrets- yes and no. I think tbh that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't- this situation is a real conundrum and it's a balanced one- do many positives and negatives either way. Think very, very carefully and get help.

novembery Wed 19-Dec-12 22:59:01

Sorry , phone! SO many positives and negatives!

notanotherstatistic Thu 20-Dec-12 10:32:27

Lost, I have no problem with telling you about my experiences. Pry away! However, I'm not sure whether it'll be that relevant to your situation, you see the initiator of the separation in my case was finding out that my STBXW was having an affair (which had been going on for about 3 years). I have posted about this before, so you should be able to find out the details by searching through my posts.

The affair and its aftermath were incredibly damaging and corrosive, and it would have been much better if my STBXW had voiced her concerns the way you have. From what you say, like myself and my STBXW, you and your DH should not have married in the first place. There is no way to completely avoid the heartache that comes with separation, but you are going about this in as responsible and respectful way as possible.

I would echo what others are saying about counselling. A good counsellor can be tremendously helpful in cutting through the bullshit that we tell both ourselves and others to justify our actions, and pin-pointing our real motivations and insecurities.

AzureBlue Thu 20-Dec-12 11:24:29

As you will see from previous postings, I'm also in a similar situation. But my kids are 22,20,17 and 9. It's been over 2 years since I told DH I could not stand it if he touched me.

Still waiting for things to improve or the right time to leave. It's agony being on the fence. I thought it would be too traumatic to leave when the kids were little (and as I was a SAHM impossible financially).

Recently I finally decided to leave after Xmas, despite AS levels this year for one child, but now probably can't as I've just discovered my 17 year old has eating issues. I think it better to leave when they are young if you can afford to. Another reason to stay always crops up and they just get bigger and bigger reasons! Everyone I know thinks we have THE perfect marriage which somehow makes it even harder to carry on the sham. But I guess we would all do anything for our kids....

Relate was helpful to me - 14 months of weekly sessions. I found it sorted all sorts of my personal issues out but did absolutely nothing at all for my marriage. In fact it made me realise I was totally self-reliant and has distanced me completely from my husband. We hardly communicate at all now. Everyone I know comments on how I am a totally different person to a few years ago - far more confident and out-going - largely due to counselling I think.

alphabetspaghetti Thu 20-Dec-12 23:04:55

OP, I possibly could have written most of your initial post a few months back. DH and I married far too young and whilst both of up have changed, I have certainly changed to most. With two young dc's really close together, lack of sleep and taking on far too much our relationship really suffered. He has said there were times if would have liked to have walked but I know I had wished this almost on a daily basis.

The turning point for me was at a friends wedding. I looked at them happy and them looked at my DH and wished that I could feel the same, but I couldn't. I came to terms with the fact that I would need to have a talk with up about going our separate ways, but when I thought about it, and I mean really thought about it, the possibility of not having him in my life have me the clarity that I needed.

We had a chat, I told him that I was unhappy, but what surprised me was that I actually feel quite neglected (think Peter Andre and you won't go far wrong)!. We decided to make time for each other. Just little things like letting the dc play and up just talking for a few minutes. We also decided to put our happiness before the dc's. Don't get me wrong, they do not go without love or our time but in order to reconnect we had to put ourselves first. We also touch a lot more, nothing sexual, just touching. This has made a big difference.

A friend has the motto of "fake it til you make it", and I have tried to adopt this and so far its working. If I have negative thoughts about him I rush them to the back of my mind.

Keep with the counselling, give it your damndest and if it really doesn't work they at least you know you have done everything in your power.

Yes, you could go on to meet someone else, but how do you know you will not feel like this again?

I wish you well.

GoldenFrankincenseAndMyrrh Thu 20-Dec-12 23:43:25

Keep with the counselling, give it your damndest and if it really doesn't work they at least you know you have done everything in your power.

Yes, you could go on to meet someone else, but how do you know you will not feel like this again?

I wish you well.

THIS! wink

Lostwithoutacompass Fri 21-Dec-12 11:22:09

Thank you everyone for your feedback and ideas, even the ones that are hard to hear. Will get through Xmas and then definitely sort out counselling. Lots of good advice from you all and I will take it all on board, thank you!

berksbabe Thu 03-Jan-13 15:20:59

Oh dear, how sad for you all - you, hubbie and kids.
I thought I felt this way about my ex - no, I DID feel this wayabout my ex. I felt he did nt value me and he did nt value the family and he was only concerned with his own Happiness, Achievements and Development. He also had a bit of a sexual fetish that I was not going to indulge which totally revolted me.
BUT when he left me for a woman 18 years younger than both of us I suddenly realised that its not just about me. The effect on the children - even though they were 14, 16 1nd 21 was immeasurable. And if I had been really thinking about their happiness, achievements and development then I would have put more into (at least pretending) to care for the ex's.

Divorce is not great for the children - emotionally or financially.

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