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I've told DH I want to separate, what do I say/do next?

(37 Posts)
OhThisIsJustGrape Tue 11-Dec-12 16:28:35

Long history but things really came to a head this weekend and that's it, I've had enough.

Told him this morning that I want him to leave after Christmas - I am not putting the kids through it before then. He told me I was going to be responsible for blowing the kids world apart which I really didn't need telling - they are the only reason I have stuck it out with him for as long as I have. It's the only part that is breaking my heart.

Anyway, practicalities. I know he will want to talk when he gets home tonight. He will ask all sorts of clever questions such as how will I support myself, how will I afford x, y, z. How he will pay maintenance for the kids but I won't get any extra out of him. We've been here many times before and he just laughs at me and says I could never survive without him financially.

I'm a SAHM, no qualifications. He runs his own, £1million+ a year turnover business which I am not a partner or anything in. We own our house, smallish mortgage but still too big for me to ever have any hope of taking over on my own. Reasonable amount of equity but not enough to buy two houses out of.

4DCs, youngest is only 2 so would need to pay childcare if I was to go out to work.

Please help me by telling me what I can say when he comes out with all these questions so he can't belittle me. I need to be strong and not back down and I cannot have him think I won't survive without him.

zipzap Thu 13-Dec-12 01:19:47

If he's worried about how you can watch them over Xmas knowing what's coming then call his bluff.

Say fine, let's do the decent thing and split up right here, right now. Pack your bag and go and I'm sure we'll all have a much better Christmas as a result. You can come and spend Xmas day itself (insert what access you're prepared to give him here, hold a bit back so that when he says it's not enough you've got some more to give him that you were planning to let him have; he'll think he's won a compromise from you, you'll know he hasn't and you'll have learnt a useful lesson/reminder about negotiating with him later).

BIG CAVEAT - make sure you are ready for him to go - money out of joint account into personal one, had your free half hour with all local good solicitors so he can't use them due to no conflict of interest rules, yours/ kids passports and important docs hidden well away, at your parents or a good friend's if necessary, photocopies or screenprints of as much of his financial info as possible, copy of his address book, anything and everything - just don't let him find it.

But then - just throw him out or let him talk himself into going now not later. It will be the best Christmas present you could give your kids!

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 13-Dec-12 00:00:22

Children often appear to 'worship' an abusive parent. This is because children crave that parent's love, and have learned early on that slavish devotion is the most likely way to stop that parent being horrible to them. They may grieve - as you may grieve - when an abusive marriage ends, but they are mourning - as you are mourning - the loss of the dream that the abusive man will STOP BEING A FUCKING ARSEHOLE and love you all properly. Which sadly isn't going to happen, because he doesn't think you are people. You're just props for his ego, and therefore you're better off without him.

Lueji Wed 12-Dec-12 08:03:01

For what is worth, DS has been trough our separation due to domestic violence and has witnessed episodes (after separation) and he is fine.
Mostly because he has a parent that can keep a level head and not bad mouth the other.

Yours will be fine.

And what if your H hates you?
You are leaving him.
He hates the fact that you are leaving, really.
How can you possibly leave him?

And don't be too sure he hasn't got thousands squirrelled away, if you have no sight of the finances then you can't really know.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 07:37:26

Good advice insight/advice from sgb and balotelli

Your kids will be ok.

balotelli Wed 12-Dec-12 07:22:35

As usual with weak pathetic partners in this situation he is trying to use emotional blackmail on you to get his own way again.

Please do not listen to the twat. The wise sages on here (me not included) know far better and know the 'script'

The DC will not suffer as he claims. They will survive and probably flourish without a toxic atmosphere about.

You will also not suffer anywhere near as much as you think you will. Yes it will be bloody hard to start with but eventually you will be so much better off without the twunt in your immediate life.

Hope you have as good a christmas as you can but please try to lay off the vodka for your dc's sake as well as your health and sanity.

TisILeclerc Tue 11-Dec-12 21:37:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyLastDuchess Tue 11-Dec-12 21:24:14

Re: the kids, just so you know, a good friend of mine grew up with parents who essentially lived separate lives but stayed together "for the kids". She said it was awful and she was very much affected by it. You really are doing the right thing by splitting if it's not working out. Your children may well be very upset but it's much better for them in the long run.

ladyWordy Tue 11-Dec-12 21:22:14

Hey Grape... I remember your previous thread. It was sad and rather shocking to hear how you were being treated sad

Whatever he's said tonight about his feelings towards you, they would be no different if you stayed with him. He's been awful to you, and still is being awful. Don't listen to his 'how can you' nonsense, it's designed to hurt and manipulate.

You sound stronger already. Take care, you're being so brave ((Un MN hug))...

OhThisIsJustGrape Tue 11-Dec-12 21:20:32

My kids worship the ground he walks on.

SGB - spot on. This has been going on for YEARS.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Tue 11-Dec-12 21:18:00

Thing is (and it may be better just to hold this thought rather than sharing it with him) - it's partly his fault, too. If he had behaved better towards you then you wouldn't be divorcing him.
I bet you have asked him more than once to change his behaviour, stop bullying you, do his share round the house, etc - OK I don't know what your specific reasons for dumping him are but what you've posted paints a picture of a selfish bully who thinks you are his servant and his inferior.

TisILeclerc Tue 11-Dec-12 21:13:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhThisIsJustGrape Tue 11-Dec-12 21:10:39

Yes, instated turnover just to point out really that it's a big business/big production iTMS. I may not make much sense as I have rather hit the vodka so excuse any typos.

I have no idea what profits are, it was hit hard by the recession but is rapidly picking up. I'd say profits could be as high as 20/

He's just asked me how I can sit back and watch the kids
Smiling at Christmas knowing what's coming. He's right, I can't. Having said that, he's such a miserable bastard at Christmas that I doubt the kids will even notice.

What a mess.

TisILeclerc Tue 11-Dec-12 20:50:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Tue 11-Dec-12 20:45:42

<<hugs>>

It sounds like you have put up with a shitty situation for a long time. I'm sure you've done the right thing. Now you just have to stick with it.

It will get better
x

ZenNudist Tue 11-Dec-12 20:45:12

Something else to think about (but say nothing to your h). You are likely to be able to claim half the value of his company, or at least a proportion of the change in value since your marriage. The courts won't force him to sell it but he will have to pay you the money over time. Definitely don't let on to him about this because the husbands always try and make the business look to be worth less if they can.

OhThisIsJustGrape Tue 11-Dec-12 20:41:50

It's done. He hates me. I can't stop crying.

sunshine401 Tue 11-Dec-12 20:38:51

He has a Million £ turnover but you still have a mortgage?? That is weird.

However go through court and you will get half no problems.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Tue 11-Dec-12 20:32:26

If he becomes aggressive (which he might do if he is not able to persuade you to shut up and obey him) don't be frightened to call the police if necessary. This man is not your owner and you do not need his permission to divorce him.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Tue 11-Dec-12 20:02:01

Really, don't discuss how you will cope financially. Just tell him that it is over and you will find a way to cope. End of. Don't let him talk you into a state or worse still make you feel like you have to let him stay.

You need a lawyer for all the finer details, but it will get worked out.

balotelli Tue 11-Dec-12 19:57:31

Jeez Half of £140k would buy you a rather decent house up here in the north.

If you can prove that you were supporting him in establishing the business by staying at home to raise your children then I am reasonably sure that you are entiitled to a percentage of his income from the business. I know that this works with celebs when they divorce so may do with you.

Dont go for the amicable bollocks. I did and got totally fucked over by my exdw so go for the throat and make sure you squeeze every last penny out of the git.

Good luck, stay strong, you can do it though I dont envy your xmas with this hanging over the family........

TisILeclerc Tue 11-Dec-12 19:53:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TalkativeJim Tue 11-Dec-12 19:44:38

But you won't just be entitled to the equity- you'd be entitled to more than 50% of the value of the whole house - so he'd probably have no choice but to sell. That would be (hopefully) enough for you to buy a smaller place outright. Ok, children would have to share rooms, but then you'd have fewer running costs etc.

You would probably be looking at a situation where you negotiated spousal support whilst you retrained for a period of x years, or possibly support full stop unles you remarried. Seriously, he has no choice in this. The reason you don't have the means to support yourself now is because you sacrificed getting those skills so his career could take precedence. The law recognises that.

As far as he is concerned, just keep repeating that there's nothing you want to discuss with him directly right now, you can't see any point to that. Broken record time.

gettingeasier Tue 11-Dec-12 18:24:20

In answer to your OP just stick to the simple fact that as far as you are concerned the marriage is over. Everything else will follow on from that and at this stage your concern is managing the split as amicably as possible with your DCs as a paramount concern.

Having gone through this myself I would say try not to get drawn in to tirades about you ruining the DCs lives or how he'll never give you a penny. They are just thoughts in his head not reality

gettingeasier Tue 11-Dec-12 18:17:34

OP you need to talk to a lawyer. There are no hard and fast rules in divorce each and every case is considered on individual merit.

As likeatonne said though you will probably be in a better position than you or he realises

My advice will be to listen to his rhetoric about how you wont be able to manage without him etc and not waste time arguing the toss with him.

The law is the law and doubtless like so many before him he will thinks hes above the law or it somehow doesnt apply to him , let the lawyers break the news to him.

As an aside make sure you get a family law specialist

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