Emotional absense, affairs and alcohol.

[bummymummy1]

I've been a member here for a long time but have changed details for this.

I will try to be as honest and balanced as I can.

Yesterday I accidentally came upon a facebook conversation that DP has been having with another woman for many months with lots of xxxx's and affection. This has happened before with online/txts with other women too.

DP and I have been together for over 7 years. During those years be both have been subject to a LOT of stress.

In the last 3 months DP effectively lost his became jobless after his phd course was ended.

I guess I have used alcohol too much too cope with life for far too long and DP has used other women to support him because I am not available.

I need to work to pay all the bills. Very confused, sorry

have you spoken to him about it? what do you want to do? have you thought about getting help with alcohol issues such as aa? maybe go from there and then see what you want to do about your relationship?

Yes I've spoken to him about it. He's devastated, been crying alot, saying sorry loads. That he did it because I was emotionally unavailable ie I come home from work, drink and in bed for 9pm so I am up early next morning. So he's alone for hours each evening.
He say's I'm killing myself, that every time I drink it's killing him too.

I should know what it's like to live with an alcoholic because my mother is a recovered alcoholic. She used to drink, pass out, wake up, drink, pass out, 24/7.
I never classed myself like that, I drink to get to sleep early, I'm a poor sleeper.

I was ready to throw the book at DP for running to other women. Then I thought am I been fair. I know living with someone drinking alot is very difficult and was I that person?? Had I been not taking DP's views on my drinking seriously? I've been drinking like this for 3-4 years now. He has told me repeatedly how unhappy he has been with my drinking. He has been telling me but I've not really heard him, if that makes sense.

Thoughts anyone?

I will go to AA to gauge their views, though I'm pretty apprehensive to do so.

TIA

You've accepted you use alcohol as a crutch - but until you realise you are dependant on it - then AA will not be able to help you. You have to make that first step in your head before going to AA.

My Dbro was an alcoholic (dry over 20 years now) so I can spout all AAs mantras about self help.

FWIW when I have a drink, I'm up all night going to the loo - I sleep much better, and its a better quality of sleep if I haven't had a glass of wine. Your night alcohol intake is probably the cause of your sleep disruption. Deal with your sleep patterns and you'll find you no longer need alcohol as a crutch.

Have some

There's a big difference between you.

He blames you for his behaviour - and you blame yourself for it too.

You blame yourself for your behaviour.

He's done this before and he's done it again. It might have nothing to do with your drinking and more to do with him being unable to be faithful.

Stop blaming yourself for what another person does. He wasn't 'devastated and crying' before you found out, so take that with a pinch of salt. He's devastated because he's been caught with his hand in the till - and instead of taking it on the chin he blamed you for it.

Sort your drinking out if it's a problem to you but don't think for one minute that it will make your bloke faithful, because it won't.

Have you thought that you're a poor sleeper because of the alcohol?

It may help you go to sleep initially, but alcoholically induced sleep is not restorative, 'good' sleep.

I agree with Badinage. He is blaming you. You are blaming you. He's been unfaithful to you and is upset that he's been caught.
You might have a drink problem - his problem is that his partner now knows about his philandering.

How much alcohol do you drink in the evenings and do you drink at other times of day too? Do you reach for the bottle as soon as you get home? Do you drink on nights when you don't have to be up early for work the next daY?

Have you considered taking over the counter sleeping pills (herbal or otherwise) or asking your doctor to prescribe something to help you drop off to sleep?

Thank you all for your kind replies.

DP does genuinely seem distraught.

I said to him straight if he is so unhappy with me, he could and should go to her.

He told me he loves me, he wants to be with me but my drinking is killing our relationship, that I'm just not there for him , he does really want to be with me.

It is his repeated unfaithfulness that's the biggest threat to your relationship ( in my opinion).
When did you start using alcohol as a crutch? Did it predate his first betrayal if your trust? I wonder have you distanced yourself emotionally because you were betrayed?

of your trust

He will be genuinely distraught...that he's been caught again. Your drinking does not excuse his infidelity, nor does it explain it. He's still putting the blame onto you and you are accepting it. How about his infidelity and his joblessness...that's not down to you...is that not 'killing the relationship'? Well done on admitting your drink problem but please stop taking all the blame for this - it won't help. Just lets him off the hook for taking responsibility and making any changes.

He never met her though

So the logic is that if you stop drinking, he'll stop the carry on with other women?

Interesting isn't it, that he isn't looking for "support" to deal with his perceived problems with you from other men

Specifically, from other women

He is a cheater. There are no excuses for that.

I bet he wasn't 'distraught' and a sobbing wreck before you found out though was he?

This particular brand of distress seems to afflict people who are caught, but strangely doesn't seem to trouble them while it's still a secret....

Whether he's met these women or not is immaterial. Some do and lie about it and some would have met said women if there'd been an opportunity. Regardless, what you're dealing with is infidelity and a man trying to blame you for it.