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Two friends having an affair? WWYD

(93 Posts)
AtALoss2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 10:56:13

NC, and really at a loss! Will keep brief as would rather not be known in RL.
I very strongly suspect that my friends DH and our mutual friend are having an affair. Very randomly I was out for dinner with work people and saw them there together. They were being very couply and cosy, holding hands, kissing, giggling until they saw me, I was really shocked but they then shortly got up and left, they didn't talk to me at all or really acknowledge my presence, but they definately saw me. Friends DH had told her he was working away that night. They know I know but haven't said anything to me, this was last thursday night. It does make sense to me as a few months ago I commented to my DH that I would be uncomfortable with him being as friendly and flirty as friends DH was with OW. Friend has also commented that mutual friend(OW) hangs around alot... but it has never gone further than that. DH thinks I should leave it, he says that they know I know so that will either prompt them to come clean or end it and I would be better off not being involved.
Do I tell friend? WWYD?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 12-Dec-12 15:51:03

I very much agree with Snowman too, as well as wanting to congratulate her on the best xmas name I have seen this year smile

Abitwobblynow Wed 12-Dec-12 08:30:01

Loved Snowman's post, and I actually agree with her in part: BECAUSE I had no idea what was really going on (my gut told me, but I believed him when I asked, because after all he was my best friend AND he hid it very well), I enabled my own abuse for 2 years.

And it is the memory of his behaviour over those 2 years, and the damage of watching his love for her/agonise about leaving me, that has caused me the most harm.

So ideally I would have liked someone to speak to him to get his head out of his arse.
Then to have been told the reality of my life.

Being left in the dark is the WORST option, thank you Snowman.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 23:16:48

Well fine. Very difficult but better to know.

I would rather be told by a friend than discover it like I did , by texts/emails...

Be there for your friend and point her in MN direction if she needs it!

BornInACrossFireHurricane Tue 11-Dec-12 21:53:32

Well done OP- I really do think you have done the right thing

WhoPutTheDickOnTheSnowman Tue 11-Dec-12 21:30:37

I too think you have done the right thing in this situation. Whatever our opinions we do not know you both or the intricacies of your friendship.

My view was tell her the facts and leave the door open. I have been the fool that was the last to know, I have been the one left there alone wondering how many days worth of gossip the destruction of my relationship provided for the same friends that couldn't raise the courage to tell me.

Abitwobblynow has some incredibly insightful blog posts and is wonderful; however we are fundamentally different. I feel if I had been told I could have taken control back of the situation, I would have become a player in the plot that was about to fundamentally change my life. As it was it happened around me, I had no control, no say, no choice until the end - I didn't know. No derision or disgust would have pulled my ex up due to the very same cognitive dissonance ABWN mentioned - he knew he was doing a 'wrong' thing but to him it felt right and love's young dream, no comment would have pulled him up, it would have pushed him further in. My choice was to tell him to pack up and fuck off - it was the only one I had left, the only way to regain any of the ground that had been taken from me, no time for negotiation (the faint hope there would have been any was another thing taken from me) - I had no warning or grieving period to make a plan or come to terms, I had to deal with those feelings alone after the storm.
It is just evidence that people are different and only you know your friend.
It may yet get sticky but I personally would have valued you beyond measure as the only person that cared enough about me to put yourself and our friendship on the line.
If there are kids onvolved then I'm a x2 for telling as I think forearmed is forewarned and any chance to buffer them from the storm is a good thing. Even if it falls on a dependant and in denial woman that doesn't want to know you've done the decent thing - at possible cost to oneself you have given the headsup, it needn't be a big broadway production but a twitch of the sisterly flag is enough.
Rather than not thinking it my place to place the responsibility on the wife, I don't think it is my place to actively remove her choice of doing or not doing. It just has to be an individual thing. I hope she gets the resolution she wants.

ImperialBlether Tue 11-Dec-12 21:17:05

I think you did the right thing. I was driven nearly mad thinking on the one hand everything was lovely but on the other hand I felt I was walking on sinking sand.

Why don't you tell her to come on here? You can get this thread deleted. It would be a good support for her whatever she/he decide to do.

Mumofjz Tue 11-Dec-12 18:54:10

So sorry, just saw the previous page. For what it's worth, you did the right thing smile

Mumofjz Tue 11-Dec-12 18:52:09

how about just dropping in conversation that you saw the two of them together on "such a day" having a meal (no mention of how close they seemed) as you would if you had saw him with his mate in the pub, and then i would probably think the wife will work out he's wasn't suppose to be there and have words with him, if not, at least her suspions will have been raised and she'd be more checking of him. Leaving you with your consious clear IYSWIM

Hegsy Tue 11-Dec-12 18:42:03

I think you did the right thing.

spooktrain Tue 11-Dec-12 18:23:11

that must have been really hard OP, but you did the right thing by your friend. I would definitely want to know if I was in that situation.

nooka Tue 11-Dec-12 15:41:53

You did the right thing AtALoss. Whatever path she takes now is at the very least one of her own choosing.

Some of us do make things work again after an affair so try not to think that if she does stay with her cheating dh that you've not done the right thing. If you can be a supportive non-judgemental friend then you will be helping your friend enormously - it's incredibly valuable to have someone fairly neutral to talk to (lots of people feel they can't tell anyone when their partner cheats as somehow it is shaming/they feel a deep seated need to protect them).

lunar1 Tue 11-Dec-12 14:50:55

It might not seem it right now but you did the right thing for your friend

mamakoula Tue 11-Dec-12 14:18:24

You are a true friend and have strong morals and integrity. She is lucky to have a friend who is looking out for her and is thoughtful and caring.

rainbow2000 Tue 11-Dec-12 11:55:54

I think you did the right thing,at least now she can be proactive and do something about it.

dequoisagitil Tue 11-Dec-12 11:29:34

I think you did the right thing too.

It is bloody horrible living with someone when you know there is something off, but you're not sure what it is - and they put the blame on you or stress or whatever and make you feel like the bad guy or that you're demanding or paranoid. And you want to believe it is you, because the idea that the person you love most is betraying your relationship is so awful & hurtful.

badinage Tue 11-Dec-12 11:12:45

Well done OP. You did the right thing and you are a good friend. I bet your poor friend is a tiny bit relieved too, that she's not imagining things. This puts her on the front foot for the first time in months and at least now she can stop risking her health and get herself checked out. I wish there were more people like you in the world.

ComradeJing Tue 11-Dec-12 11:06:57

Well done OP.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 10:55:26

You are a good friend, OP x

You didn't cause this though Ata you have absolutely nothing to feel crap for. You didn't choose to see them and you didn't choose the timing. You are a victim in all this too.

I think you would have felt worse sitting there last night and not telling her. You are an amazingly selfless friend.

AtALoss2012 Tue 11-Dec-12 10:19:33

Thanks, honestly I am feeling pretty crap at the moment. I hate seeing others in distress and it was horrible, and she was so nice about it which somehow made it worse! and it is just before christmas!
I'll be here as much as she needs and give her as much space as she needs. My feeling is if he wants to stay and repair the damage she will let him try....

I forgot to add - now, all you can do is be there for her, hand hold, take her out for lunch/coffee/drink, listen, sympathise, but avoid offering an opinion or a solution. Ask her questions so she can make her own decisions. You sound like a lovely friend.

Well done Ata it sounds like you have done exactly the right thing, although its not what I would have done it seems like you have just confirmed her suspicions rather than dropped a bombshell. What a crappy situation to be in though, how are you feeling about it all now?

AtAloss - she will thank you, if not now in the future. She'll have known anyway, just not known known iyswim. I knew, as partners who are having affairs are horrible people to live with. They are emotionally cold, disconnected, often critical, hurtful and cruel. They need to find reasons to justify their affair so make their partner feel at fault, constantly. It's confusing and horrible. Knowing why they are like this is actually a release.

SugaricePlumFairy Tue 11-Dec-12 10:08:48

Hello AtALoss I think you did the right thing in bringing it to her attention.

It's up to her how she chooses to use the information, I hope she's okay.

AtALoss2012 Tue 11-Dec-12 10:04:55

Well thank you all, I had a good reason to see friend last night and she was alone. Told her what had happened, framed it very diplomatically without opinion, just what happened in the restaurant. She repeatedly asked what I thought was going on and I tried to say lets not jump to conclusions and only her H could tell her. She said he had been really 'off' with her for months, snapping and being difficult, she suspected something was going on and had been driving herself a little nuts trying to work it out. I don't know what she will do next or if this will affect us as friends, but I do agree with the above person who said that I'd be selfish if I didn't say to protect myself.
In truth I am relieved that she has suspicions and things weren't great as it didn't seem to be as big a bomb as I was expecting.

I know some of you will think I was right, some will think I wrong, but knowing her and I as I do, I feel what I did was the only right decision I could have made. I know OW or her H will not speak to me or DH again, but I am not concerned by that.

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