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DP has been acting like a nasty horny teenager.

(102 Posts)
WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 00:03:12

I've name changed because he knows my nn.

My dp has been acting very strangely recently. Every time there's an underwear advert, pretty tame sex scene, nipples showing through a shirt or anything slightly sexual on tv he will be completely engrossed and stop what hes doing to watch, I cant say or do anything to break his gaze. Hes never been like this before but hes acting like a horny teenage virgin or something.

He wont go anywhere near me though!

I had a baby a few months ago so understandably I have a wobbly stomach. Hes poked it a few times calling it podgy or made comments that I'm fat (Ive lost about 2 and a half stone so far PP and a stone away from pre pregnancy weight, 8.5 stone) When he sees that hes offended me he would quickly say he was joking and give me a hug, even though he rarely hugs me any other time. Again this is so out of character.

Hes also made comments about women at work being 'fit' or when he sees a pretty women will say 'she'd get it'

The worst thing of all is how flippant he is about the bad things I've been through in the past (abuse, rape etc.) He will rarely say things about my situation personally but will comment on other women who have been in those circumstances and joke. When he does joke about me personally he will say things like 'Poor little privileged girl had such a difficult life boohoo'

Why has he turned into this nasty person? He was nothing like this before.

glastocat Sat 08-Dec-12 10:32:55

Depression or not, he is being a nasty arsehole. I have been seriously depressed myself, it didn't turn me into a dickhead. If my husband spoke to me like that I'd have his bollocks for earrings. You must call him on it every single time, and if he persists then you can see he is just showing his true colours, and Ltb. Oh, and well done on your weight loss.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sat 08-Dec-12 11:09:56

The depression thing is a red herring: I've known depressed people who take it out on their loved ones, and depressed people who do not harm those around them. Depressed or not, how you treat other people remains a choice.

And anyone being treated badly can say they won't tolerate it anymore, whether or not the person behaving badly has MH issues. It's a kindness to put your foot down, in fact, as it may be the only thing that ultimately compels the person with MH issues to seek help (which only they can do for themselves).

OP: whatever the reason behind it, the way he is treating you is unacceptable. So show him that it is unacceptable: whether that means pulling him up on every utterance, or leaving. You choose which path feels the best to you.

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 11:30:40

Wow, thank you all for your different opinions and advice.

I have told him that today we need to sit down and seriously talk about a few things. If he is depressed I don't want it feeling like its a huge attack on him, so I plan on getting us both to write down what upsets us, then showing each other to talk it through. Maybe this way he won't feel so defensive and wont want to run from the situation.

I have history of serious depression and have said some nasty things to exes in the past, I have also tried to trivialize the rape so it didn't seem as serious as it was. If he's doing similar I can understand but he needs to be the one to realise it and tell me.

If he doesn't get help and it gets worse of course I won't have much choice but to leave.

I will let you know how our talk goes.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 11:30:55

I agree with everything kitty has said.

In this situation, I actually wouldn't give two shits what was "making" him verbally abuse me and treat me with such little respect. It sounds like this man wants to destroy this woman's self esteem.

I would make him leave until he sorted his act out, and if he didn't he wouldn't be coming back.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 11:48:01

You sound like you're dealing with this really well OP, and taking a proactive approach towards finding out exactly what is going on.

I hope your talk goes okay.

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Sat 08-Dec-12 12:33:51

His behaviour is inexcusable. You are worth so much more than this entitled abusive idiot.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sat 08-Dec-12 13:15:41

I would usually be the first to say 'leave him he is disgusting' however, I have been unwell lately I will not go into detail but the anger and depression and things I have said to others is horrific, I have been unable to control myself and some of the comments which leave my angry mind are unforgivable, thankfully I have a had no DP/DH here or he would have have left by now. Thankfully I have just taken it out on neighbours/family......blush

I went onto an anti-depressant and my moods have changed over 2 days, unbelievably so, I can look back and cringe at my behaviour.

The way he is behaving is awful, I think you should point it out to him and see where things go from there, if I were you I would tell him you find his behavior selfish, arrogant and disgusting, ask him to see a GP, and take it from there. If he refuses, then that's a different matter, I knew my behaviour was getting out of control and didn't like the way I was acting, he may be different, in that case, he needs a severe talking to.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 13:23:20

That's the difference NotW, you took responsibility for your own behaviour.

This guy doesn't appear to be. If he won't, what choice does OP have but to accept being abused by him or decide that she will not be part of it. If that pushes him into seeking help and sorting himself out, then great. The course of action that won't work is if nothing changes.

zippey Sat 08-Dec-12 13:25:05

I agree that you seem to be handling things well OP. Its obvious that you love your partner, or at least the way he used to be.

I dont think the depression is a red herring for the following reasons:

1. You say he was lovely before and totally changed recently, I suspect after the birth of your child. There has to be a reason for this change.

2. You say he ogles women on the tv making lecherous comments. I suspect this is because his ascent into parenthood has made him realise he isnt as "free" anymore, this onset of commitment and responsibilty is a big change in anyones life. The lecherous comments are probably to make him feel more desirable and to make you feel worse. It may also be a responce to his lack of sex drive, to make him feel more "like a man".

3. I suspect also that one of the ways people make themselves feel better is if they they put other people down, which is what he is doing.

4. The poor little privalaged rich girl comment may again be fuelled by inadequacies in his past.

There are a lot of calls on this forum to leave this man, and its good that opinions can be polarised like this - gives you various points of view. It is harder to leave someone after you have made a commitment such as a baby, and what a terrible shock this must be after thinking you had found a great partner.

Speak to your partner and let us know how you get on. I would also say that it would be good for you, if you can, to find friends in your area - perhaps baby groups, parent and toddler etc. This will give you an outlet for problems, and might help raise your confidence knowing you have support available in real life.

strumpetpumpkin Sat 08-Dec-12 13:27:39

he sounds like a complete arsehole

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Sat 08-Dec-12 13:44:47

I agree AnyFucker, this man needs to take responsibility, if he doesn't then, he needs to leave as this is abusive behaviour. I am mortified at how I was and seeked help asap, it is far from normal to behave this way, the mocking abuse is sick, I didn't quite go that far but was a nightmare of a person for a few weeks there..

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 14:55:42

No luck so far. He's acting like a sulky child today because I've found he's not given me council tax letters after he told me he had set up a direct debit and didn't. Now I have to spend £700 of my money to stop debt collectors coming round. I have to cancel my solo art exhibition as I can't afford to set it up. I'm so angry and upset.

Isabeller Sat 08-Dec-12 15:14:07

Dear Whatshappened this revelation and sulk is a kind of answer about his attitude to you isn't it? Do you really have to cancel your exhibition and pay a debt he said he had covered?

It sounds like a difficult time to detach yourself, find other support and face the pain of stepping away from someone who isn't behaving in a loving way towards you. The same way that there's never a good time for bad news separating from this man, who is not treating you in an acceptable way, won't be easier next year or in 10 years.

I hope you are wiser than I've been in the past and leave him to deal with his own debt and bad attitude.

Whatever you decide, good luck x

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Sat 08-Dec-12 15:16:55

If you were both teens and he came out with this crap to demoralise you, next time he tried that you could say derisively, "As if she'd want to be with a lump like you".

As you are both adults with a baby together I would urge him to see his doctor, suggest he gets on a fitness programme for himself. Most importantly WhatsHappenedToHim shore up support for YOU and your DC should you decide you're no longer compatible.

Having a baby does mean a massive change in outlook and attitude, it shouldn't mean the death knell of closeness or intimacy. I don't think it means that your partner is looking to replace you, small consolation as it may be. He is lashing out hence jibes about looks or lack of sex or even your different backgrounds.

Parenting a tiny vulnerable infant can make people relive their own history and recall feelings of powerlessness and submission. I wonder if counselling would set some demons to rest.

Sorry have just read your post at 14:55:42. Time for him to pull his finger out and admit he's got to face up to things. I do think you deserve better than you're getting from him and I hope you are able to find solutions and do what's best for you.

TurnipCake Sat 08-Dec-12 15:22:24

Oh OP he sounds utterly vile, I'm fuming on your behalf (and GTFO to the previous suggestion of a possible frontal lobe tumour as a possible cause to the change in his behaviour, really)

As others have said, abusive behaviour often manifests itself during or after a pregnancy.

For all the 'sit down and talk to him' in the world, the only thing you can do to show his behaviour is unacceptable is through your actions.

dequoisagitil Sat 08-Dec-12 15:26:05

Oh hang on. He has sabotaged your art exhibition by creating a debt you have to use the money you'd saved to put it on?

And he's acting sulky?!

You have moved recently, have no friends locally, no close family and the one thing you are doing for yourself, he has sabotaged?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 15:34:57

This sounds less and less like a "just talk to him" situation sad

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 16:18:35

He just asked me what was wrong and I told him I was upset about having to miss out on my exhibition. All he said was 'nowt I can do about it, that's life'. When I asked him why he was being so horrible recently he just said it was because I've been horrible and I'm unsupportive.

I don't know how I can be any more supportive. He's being made redundant and I spend hours after he and dc are in bed finding him jobs and applying for them for him. I'm also supportive of him and his possible depression but I can't drag him to his appointments.

I pointed this out to him and he just said 'no, supportive in other ways' but didn't wish to expand.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Sat 08-Dec-12 16:41:02

Don't cancel your art exhibition - it's important.

Phone the council next week, explain what's happened and ask them how you can put a payment plan in place.

'Nowt I can do about it - that's life' Oh really? So he didn't cause this by lying and being a fucking idiot?

You posted the other day under another name didn't you sad

Don't let him 'get away' with this awful behaviour and the 'not wanting to expand on that' or 'talk' - tell him he has no choice - either he talks to you and you sort out the actual problem or he leaves.

Depression does not make you lear at women and say 'I'd do her' or whatever charming phrase it was he used. It does not make you stop anytime an almost naked woman is on the TV and gawp like a teenager. It does not make you abuse the people you live with - they are all choices you make. Depression makes you feel shit - it does not make you act like a shit.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Would suggest you stop applying for jobs for him as of now; he does not want your support or help. Enabling him like that as well does no-one any favours whatsoever. All that gives you is a false sense of control.

I think he was always like this but hid it until you gave birth. Some men as well use depression as a cover for their abuse.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

He is not taking any responsibility at all for his actions. You are carrying both of you here.

Abitwobblynow Sat 08-Dec-12 16:58:59

The trigger for this is the baby.

When he talks about being unsupportive he is talking about attention and sex.

He is jealous and resentful.

If someone gives him the eye now you would be talking to us about a cheating situation.

Sorry OP he is immature and unformed. It is time you started setting boundaries and calling him on his disrespect.

Then you can talk gently to him about where he is but to be honest this stage of life (man taking back seat to baby) has got to be sucked up.

GeekLove Sat 08-Dec-12 17:22:28

It's easy for me to say this since I havent got a little baby but please get out as i know his sort and he will just drag you down. Even if he is genuinely depressed it won't improve things since he is a selfish immature dock. If anything a diagonis of depression will make him worse as he has a get out clause for acting like a cunt.
I dated and even accepted a proposal(!) from someone who was just a ball and chain. He was a little delicate flower and i was a tower of strength but was it ever reciprocated ? No.
Similarly he never apologised when he did get things wrong.
His sulking and unrepentance over the dept says it all. If your finances are separate don't pay his debt and host that exhibiton. The lack of support for your work is another factor and he is probably surprised you want to anything outside of servicing him.
He is jealous of you and your bond with the baby but it is not your place to fix him. He must do that. Sometimes the delicate little flowers must wither.

Fuckitthatlldo Sat 08-Dec-12 17:43:09

Abuse often begins or escalates during pregnancy or shortly after a new baby has been born. This is because the woman is more vulnerable, more invested, and so less likely to leave.

The more you post op, the more classic signs of abuse there are to spot. The isolation, the making you responsible for family debt and his wellbeing, the disrespect, and the comments designed to cut you to the quick.

It all adds up to a particularly nasty and vicious assault on your sense of self. This is so painful and confusing when it comes from someone you have put your trust in. You sound bewildered and wrong footed and you have all of my sympathy.

Your partner may or may not be depressed. Either way it makes no difference. He is either just abusive, or he is depressed and abusive. Whichever one it is, you are still being abused.

This is not your fault and you cannot control his behaviour. It is not your responsibility to 'get him' to the doctors or find him a job. Your only responsibility is to yourself and your new child. Remember that and make it your priority.

slartybartfast11 Sun 09-Dec-12 09:46:45

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Back2Two Sun 09-Dec-12 10:07:52

Men will procreate with "just about anyone" .....so long as they have been to the gym and are tight "downstairs" eh? slarty

Mmmm. "A" male perspective. Thank feck not the perception of all men. God, I love my husband. He has a brain AND a dick and he knows how to use both.

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