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DP has been acting like a nasty horny teenager.

(102 Posts)
WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 00:03:12

I've name changed because he knows my nn.

My dp has been acting very strangely recently. Every time there's an underwear advert, pretty tame sex scene, nipples showing through a shirt or anything slightly sexual on tv he will be completely engrossed and stop what hes doing to watch, I cant say or do anything to break his gaze. Hes never been like this before but hes acting like a horny teenage virgin or something.

He wont go anywhere near me though!

I had a baby a few months ago so understandably I have a wobbly stomach. Hes poked it a few times calling it podgy or made comments that I'm fat (Ive lost about 2 and a half stone so far PP and a stone away from pre pregnancy weight, 8.5 stone) When he sees that hes offended me he would quickly say he was joking and give me a hug, even though he rarely hugs me any other time. Again this is so out of character.

Hes also made comments about women at work being 'fit' or when he sees a pretty women will say 'she'd get it'

The worst thing of all is how flippant he is about the bad things I've been through in the past (abuse, rape etc.) He will rarely say things about my situation personally but will comment on other women who have been in those circumstances and joke. When he does joke about me personally he will say things like 'Poor little privileged girl had such a difficult life boohoo'

Why has he turned into this nasty person? He was nothing like this before.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 00:48:09

Do you think maybe he's struggling with his own issues with sexual abuse right now? I have a friend who was a victim of rape, but before she told us, we thought she was just a bit of a bitch, as she always made very harsh remarks with reference to it. Turned out it was her way of trying to cope with things, when really she was struggling in a massive way.

Again, I'm not trying to excuse what he is doing, because saying those things to you is not okay, and you do not have to accept it. But for someone to change so much so quickly, there has to be a reason.

WhatsHappenedToHim Sat 08-Dec-12 00:52:08

I cant, they all moved away when I did (To go to university, I didn't go)

I'm pretty stuck. I wish he was honest with me, its like hes putting on a front sometimes?

He knew I was in an abusive relationship before I met him and was so angry that anyone could ever hurt me.

DixieD Sat 08-Dec-12 00:52:42

My DH has been on the verge of a nervous breakdown through his MH issues. He was hard to live with but he NEVER personally criticised me. He never trivialised my experiences. He never used his personal torment as an excuse to torment and bully me.
OP you need to lay it clearly on the line. He needs to understand that you are not an emotional punchbag for him. He gets help if he needs it or he goes.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 00:57:21

Do you have a good enough relationship with your HV to discuss this?

I think DixieD is exactly right actually - you've tried to get him some help, and he's not going to the appointments. Whether he is depressed or not, you have no obligation to have to listen to these horrible things. He needs to either get some help for whatever issues have come to the surface for him, or you lay things on the line.

zzzzz Sat 08-Dec-12 01:07:36

Could you go to stay with your parents for a week? Just you and the baby?

I think you could do with some breathing space.

aprilrain Sat 08-Dec-12 01:10:20

Two years isn't enough time to really know someone. I wouldn't be so sure that he's changed - more likely the shine has worn off and he's showing his true colours.

snowtunesgirl Sat 08-Dec-12 01:14:54

angry Those are some shitty things to say to a new mum.

I'm a year post birth and no way would I ever put up with comments like that if DH EVER said anything like that.

zippey Sat 08-Dec-12 03:23:31

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and Im sorry that your partner is behaving this way. It isnt acceptable, and Im sorry you dont have a friends and family support network.

SirBoob and Dixie have written sensibly on the matter - if he has mental health issues it will take the form of destructive behaviour, and affect the people he loves the most, with you effectivly becoming his outlet. That wont help his MH issues and will eventually come to destroy your relationship unless he gets help, and soon.

I hope you two can sort things out. You say its happened recently, and though its not widely recognised in men but it may be post natal depression (PND). Having a baby is a huge thing and the thought of his new responsibilites and the end of his "free" life, along with his health issues may be triggers.

Women get these feelings too and if you love him and want a future with him then its best he seeks professional advice from a doctor.

Love how men cant be mentally ill now according to MN. They are just abusive cunts showing their true colours. angry

No its not acceptable behaviour and the OP shouldnt have to listen to the shit hes saying.

But he sounds very depressed. And if the OP can see a change in his physical and mental health so suddenly like this, after having a baby, then getting him help would be the best thing.

And yes it might take some time to get him to accept the help. But isnt that a symptom of the problem for some people.

If a woman had come on here saying she thought she had PND and her partner was leaving her because she had been vile to him, there would be an outpouring of support for her and he would be called a cunt.

crazyhead Sat 08-Dec-12 08:28:07

I think you need to tell him everything you've written here straight, and demands that he get treatment for his depression now, and that all of this behaviour ends now.

If it does, well just about OK if it doesn't resurface. If not, get out because he sounds really horrible from what you are saying

xkittyx Sat 08-Dec-12 09:02:43

I agree that two years is about the right timescale for true colours to start showing.
How on earth does having depression make you leer at scantilly clad women and make unpleasant comments? Also weight gain isn't necessarily caused by being depressed.

Depression manifests itself in many different ways.

xkittyx Sat 08-Dec-12 09:11:53

So, unfortunately, does being a nasty bastard.
Maybe he is depressed - but maybe this is the start of years of being stuck in a horrible situation with a horrible man. I think it's only fair that the OP is shown the option that she doesn't have to put up with it, she doesn't have to choose to stay and "fix" him. Not her job.

lunar1 Sat 08-Dec-12 09:20:15

I would wan him to go to the GP for a full check up. Could he have had a head injury? Some medical conditions can also explain a sudden personality change.

He is being a complete shit but I would want to rule out any medical reason before I left the bastard, sorry you are having such a rough time. My first husband could get like this, it wasn't him though it was due to medical problems.

Back2Two Sat 08-Dec-12 09:20:47

He does sound foul. How disgustingly disrespectful.
I detest men leching over women ..."she'd get it" Ugh.
I could not live with this man.

overbythere Sat 08-Dec-12 09:22:06

It's not nice to say it but it sounds like his feelings towards you have changed and he just doesn't like/love you any more and it is showing through these nasty comments. I was shocked when I read that 'poor little privileged girl' comment. My ex started to make the odd horrible comment towards me and cover it up as a joke. I knew he didn't want to be with me any more. Mind you, further to what others are saying about depression, he was diagnosed with quite serious depression and I reckon he had had it for years.

44SoStartingOver Sat 08-Dec-12 09:23:09

Actually, if he has a history of being sexually abused, and you mentioned that you do too, you may have felt like kindred spirits.

The arrival of your baby may have triggered some negative stuff within him. I believe new parenthood can mean survivors can do this.

We cannot know if he feels he is now safe to show you his unpleasant side, or if there is deeper damage making him come apart. I think negativity to a victim of a crime, when it is a crime he has some experience of, could be an indicator of him not being able to make sense of it.

If you want to see if there is mileage in your relationship, I do think talking properly and maybe he could make contact with one of the groups eg survivors who specialise in helping men who have been abused.

However, I do think you need to be very careful to take care of your own well being. As a mum, you have a new role but need to nurture yourself as well as your new baby. Even casual friends from baby groups can give you a social outlet and help you build your life in this next stage.

But don't let him drag you down. If you need to do it solo, you can. Do not accept someone making you feel less.

Im not saying she should fix him. I tell women on this board to leave abusive partners all the time.

But the OP has said she thinks hes depressed, and sometimes, when a person is depressed they hurt the ones they love. But in a relationship you want to look after each other.

Yes hes been awful. But if this was a woman with PND it would have got different responses.

xkittyx Sat 08-Dec-12 09:30:55

I wonder, though, if people would suggest or hold onto the depression explanation if they were looking for reasons not to give up on the relationship.
If it was a woman posting with PND, it would be from her perspective, and as a forum we can only go on the first-person perspective of the poster.

Whocansay Sat 08-Dec-12 09:31:43

I have no idea whether he's depressed or abusive. I do know that pregnancy can kick start abuse in some men (I'm sure someone wiser than me can explain this).

You need to set some boundaries though. You could start by calling him on his behaviour. Explain that what he's saying is hurtful and makes you unhappy. Don't let him brush it off as a 'joke'. If he tries to do that, tell him in no uncertain terms that joke or not it upsets you and you want it to stop. If he gives you the podgy comment again, do it right back at him and see how he likes it or tell him to go fuck himself angry

If you think he is depressed, you must demand he sees a doctor for all your sakes, but particularly for your baby. Depressed or not he has no right to treat you like this and you do not have to put up with it. If you have no family you can turn to, contact Women's Aid and they can help you.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 09:42:21

Okay then kitty, if a man came on here saying my partner had a baby a few months ago, recently she's stopped taking care of herself, and is frankly being an utter vile bitch, I'm so shocked and hurt by some of the things she has said, she has a history of abuse... The outcry would be "Get her to the doctor, she sounds seriously depressed".

Yes, some men and women are horrible abusive people. Some also suffer from depression. I can't count the number of times I have been insulted by friends who are unwell, or had to remind them to have a shower. Same as I am terribly embarrassed by some of the cruel things I have said when I have been in a major depressive episode.

The OP has said herself she suspects he is depressed.

No its not okay for him to treat her like this, but before we all start shrieking "Leave the bastard!", it also needs to be considered that there is a medical reason for his behavior.

xkittyx Sat 08-Dec-12 10:11:58

I think the parallel between a woman with severe PND and a letchy man is a little spurious.
I'm not saying he isn't depressed as well, but I lived with someone with depression for nearly 8 years and he was never nasty to me like that and certainly being depressed didn't make him perve innapropriately.
I just wanted to put the point across that it's no-one's job to stay and fix someone else if their behaviour is causing harm. Far too many woman stay with nasty, abusive men because they believe they are damaged and they can, or should, fix them.
And frankly I'm finding the whole "poor menz" thing a little tedious now, it seems to be on every other thread I read at present. You can't just flip a situation round like that. Because society is hardly equal and gender-neutral, so it's just not going to work that way.
Anyway sorry if I'm derailing.

Oh kitty.

No one is saying "poor menz". We are just saying that having a penis doesnt mean they are automatically an abusive arse.

xkittyx Sat 08-Dec-12 10:28:08

Yes, I know having a penis doesn't mean being an abusive arse. I was brought up by lovely men and am married to another one.
I just suspect that this particular man may not be so very lovely and that the depression is a red herring. But maybe not. Anyway said my piece and suspect I'm at risk of derailing so I'll bow out now.

clam Sat 08-Dec-12 10:31:00

You say you're speechless when he says these things and you just ignore him. Maybe the time has come to pick him up on them. You know, "Excuse me?! Did you really just say that?"

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