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oh said that he wanted to do something horrible to me

(131 Posts)
desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 11:15:12

He didn't say that he would, just that he wanted to hurt me (he was quite specific). I tried to get him to talk about it but we got into a "well you wanted me to talk about my feelings and you said that it is not right to deny someone's feelings, do you want me to lie" kind of twisted debate. He also often sings "Delilah" by Tom Jones. I do not think that he is trying to be threatening (as he hasn't threatened me) but I don't like it (am not having an affair or anything).

I don't know how I should react any more. Everything that he does seems very low level but it is constant and may be getting worse. He has never actually hurt me but has accidentally reversed the car into me (not hard but scary) when I was getting something out of the boot (I told him that I was but he says that he forgot/didn't hear) and also his foot slipped off the clutch when I was getting out of the car so it hit my hip going forwards (hard enough to bruise me) but again this was accidental (he says). He has also slapped my hand a couple of times now - again not hard.

I don't know how usual this all is. I've tried looking at various sites re abuse but they all seem so much worse (physically) than anything that has happened to me.

How do I know if something (like the car incidents) is accidental?

This hasn't all happened recently - but over a period of time.

How does abuse start? How do you know if it will escalate?

ElectricSheep Mon 10-Dec-12 23:17:02

Just a few points DSS

What's he like apart from these incidents? You say he gaslights (denies things that have happened to make you seem 'mad'), stonewalls (silent treatment), manipulates (DC). This sounds bad enough to want to finish the relationship anyway to me. Does he treat you as an equal? Do his fair share of hswrk? Make decisions with you? Split finances equally? All these behaviours are controlling and abusive and you deserve far far more from a relationship. You may get the nice treatment for a while but even that you can't really enjoy because you know it will inevitably be followed, as night follows day, by the abuse.

What are your reservations about leaving?

I'm sure you are aware that abuse in the vast majority of cases starts as emotional, moves on to sporadic physical incidents and then escalates to regular physical abuse, which for 2 women a week on 2010-11 resulted in their murder. The trouble with taking time to decide is that you cannot be sure at what rate your particular abuser will choose to escalate his abuse.

A court will take into account what DC over 12 say about where they'd like to live if they deem it even appropriate to ask, which is fairly unusual - IF there are no other reasons that need consideration. In your case emotional abuse and threatened and actual physical abuse would be major considerations.

If you are not married and leave you will not be entitled to an equal split of assets I'm afraid. So any money you can get, do - by fair means or foul. He will not give you a bean when you have gone if he can avoid it.

forgetmenots Mon 10-Dec-12 22:55:48

Don't worry desperately. Those of us who are worried are just concerned for your welfare, that's not your fault or to be apologised for.

I'm so glad to hear you are planning to leave. Even accepting that has taken a lot of strength and courage, I hope you see that.

desparatelyseekingsomething Mon 10-Dec-12 22:43:21

Thank you for the kind comments. I am fine and I am sorry if I have worried anyone sad. I can only really log on to this site when oh is not around and so tend to be a bit sporadic. I don't think that I am in any immediate danger but I do realise that I need to leave him at some point pretty soon

AndrewMyrrh Mon 10-Dec-12 16:02:50

Fool, sorry,mistaken identity.

I'm not really Andrew either, Beryl in Christmas disguise.

foolonthehill Sun 09-Dec-12 23:37:52

No, Andrew i have always and will forever be a fool!
Though my story is a common one....unfortunately.

Op - safeguarding in schools is about the children, lots of places that have safe guarding polices are about the children. It's because they have a duty of care to the child and basically adults have to make their own decision. That doesn't mean they wouldn't be supportive of situations. And please remember schools do not have the power to take anyone's kids away.

You need to talk to someone in rl. No one will think this is ok. You will be believed.

ladyWordy Sun 09-Dec-12 15:37:16

3littlefrogs, what an experience that must have been. I wish such knowledge was more widespread.

I hope the OP is OK: though it's not so unusual for a distressed MNer to be away for a time. But if you're reading OP, please make a move with some urgency.

A lady in my region was recently brutally attacked by her husband. I expect she thought she was safe, or had plenty of time.

Her children are now stuck with social services as their only parents, since she did not survive the attack.

cumfy Sun 09-Dec-12 15:19:11

Get out now.

From a slightly different angle, I also wonder what his account of you to others is.
Is he making out nothing's wrong or has he been trying to query your mental state ?
Have other people been treating you in a slightly odd or disregarding manner ?
Trying to imply you were mentally unstable to others would be part of a strategy to gaslight you and create a self-fulfilling prophecy by destabilising you.

All the signs are that he is an intelligent psychopath who is trying to manipulate you into leaving him because he is having an affair.
But when you do it will all be made to look like your fault.

AndrewMyrrh Sun 09-Dec-12 15:08:25

foolonthehill, I think I may remember you? Was your posting name then related to glass containers?

AndrewMyrrh Sun 09-Dec-12 15:00:43

If she is still reading, I would be reiterating Imperial's advice to make sure these low level incidents are logged with someone - perhaps a solicitor, or Woman's Aid.

I think he is grooming you - checking out what your reactions are to these 'accidents' (my arse) with the car. Telling you specifically that he wants to harm you. How exactly does he want to do that? Did he say? He is gauging your reaction, and will escalate.

It is chilling to read that your DC say things like 'why do you make Daddy cross?' I don't like the dynamic of it being a macho household where you are (literally) the whipping boy. I would be inclined to tell them that grown ups are responsible for their own emotions and reactions, and proper grown ups don't blame other people.

I hope you get things sorted.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 09-Dec-12 14:57:43

No, I don't know anyone who has been bumped by accident with a car either. He used the car as a weapon against you.

And like 3Littlefrogs I have done a psychiatric placement, in fact I have just finished it. I agree that this man sounds like a psychopath.

You should leave immediately. If you can't do this, write a letter or an email detailing all these small incidents. If he runs you over in the future it will be understood that it was deliberate and your children won't end up being raised by a psychopath.

I would be inclined to seek legal advice about a restraining order and seeking full custody or at least supervised access as well.

CalamityKate Sun 09-Dec-12 14:47:08

For heavens sake - and I say this in the nicest possible way - wake up.

Nobody, either boyfriends, parents, friends, partners, taxi drivers and other sundry lift givers, has ever bumped me with a car. I don't know anyone who's ever been bumped by the car of someone they know.

But you've been bumped TWICE - by the same person. Who also happens to have admitted he wants to hurt you?!

Be logical.

JustFabulous Sun 09-Dec-12 14:45:57

I hope she can't post because she is out.

forgetmenots Sun 09-Dec-12 14:36:02

Fair play amillionyears, there's no pressure on her to post back or anything.
(Certainly not from me). FWIW I don't think anything will have happened to her.

But it's part of the empathy shown on these boards to show concern for people, and when behaviour sounds particularly alarming I think it's only natural to wonder if all is well, perhaps not to fear the worst but to just check in and let the OP know that people are concerned about her.

I don't want this to get off topic in case that puts the OP off replying, and would hope she would feel able to do so whenever she is ready or has time. Wouldn't want any concern (however well meaning or misguided) be a barrier to that.

amillionyears Sun 09-Dec-12 14:26:30

Posters do not have to post back again.
I often post on the MH board, and several do not post back again.

And if they do, they often say that they have been busy, or a bit regret posting in the first place, or have decided what to do, or maybe dont think they need the help anymore. Any number of reasons actually.

This op seems to be very sensible. She has been planning things for 2 years. Yes, something may have happened to her, but chances are they havent.
If we all get worried everytime a poster did not return, we then wont be able to help the next person that could do with our assistance.

forgetmenots Sun 09-Dec-12 12:39:42

You're right of course Lougle, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees terrible stories on the news and wonders if they are MN posters who never came back (there was one about six months ago in particular). I hope she feels she can come back and that she will get support here.

OP, we hope you are okay and happy if you're still reading.

JuliaScurr Sun 09-Dec-12 12:30:01

It's Sunday - where is OP???

Lougle Sat 08-Dec-12 22:54:44

I don't think we can assume that the OP has come to harm, or will necessarily come to harm, just because she hasn't posted for 3 days.

HisstletoeAndWhine Sat 08-Dec-12 22:16:59

Dear God, he'll kill her, won't he? sad

amillionyears Sat 08-Dec-12 22:13:47

Dont forget that if posters become worried as well, the oh is doing more damage.
Sometimes ops dont come back. But sometimes someone may have pmed them for example. Or their phone/computer isnt working properly for a few days. Or they are busy. Or or.

foolonthehill Sat 08-Dec-12 22:09:17

me too.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 21:23:57

Really concerned that we haven't heard from the OP for a few days now.

OP I do hope that you and your children are safe and are far away from that bastard.x

3littlefrogs Sat 08-Dec-12 21:12:12

Everything you have said screams psychopath. I rarely post on these threads, but what you describe is really chilling.

When I was a student nurse doing my psychiatric secondment, the consultant brought in 3 patients to talk to us. The first two were suffering from very obvious signs of illness. The third was a very charming, attractive well spoken young man. We (a group of naive 19 year olds) were impressed and charmed by him. We were puzzled by his inclusion in the group.

We later learned that he was a particularly dangerous psychopath. The consultant explained that this was the most important thing to learn. Appearances can be deceptive. I have never forgotten it.

Please get away from this man. He is not capable of real care and concern for anybody.

forgetmenots Sat 08-Dec-12 20:58:42

Hope you are ok OP... I really hate it when the posters on threads like this don't come back, not because I'm nosey but I worry and so do many others.

Seabright Sat 08-Dec-12 20:50:18

OP - trust your instinct. You feel this is wrong, so it's wrong. You may not feel you can leave today, but you know that the day is coming. And you'll find yourself again

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