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oh said that he wanted to do something horrible to me

(131 Posts)
desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 11:15:12

He didn't say that he would, just that he wanted to hurt me (he was quite specific). I tried to get him to talk about it but we got into a "well you wanted me to talk about my feelings and you said that it is not right to deny someone's feelings, do you want me to lie" kind of twisted debate. He also often sings "Delilah" by Tom Jones. I do not think that he is trying to be threatening (as he hasn't threatened me) but I don't like it (am not having an affair or anything).

I don't know how I should react any more. Everything that he does seems very low level but it is constant and may be getting worse. He has never actually hurt me but has accidentally reversed the car into me (not hard but scary) when I was getting something out of the boot (I told him that I was but he says that he forgot/didn't hear) and also his foot slipped off the clutch when I was getting out of the car so it hit my hip going forwards (hard enough to bruise me) but again this was accidental (he says). He has also slapped my hand a couple of times now - again not hard.

I don't know how usual this all is. I've tried looking at various sites re abuse but they all seem so much worse (physically) than anything that has happened to me.

How do I know if something (like the car incidents) is accidental?

This hasn't all happened recently - but over a period of time.

How does abuse start? How do you know if it will escalate?

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 11:38:48

Why would you not get custody OP? Does he do the majority of the childcare?

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 11:39:28

He is terrifying by the way. And all these things he does are deliberate and are meant to frighten you.

RooneyMara Wed 05-Dec-12 11:39:40

Womens aid can also recommend you a decent family law solicitor with experience of domestic abuse, which this is.

You may be entitled to legal aid

Give them a call, or email, and see what they say.

Just get away from him. Your children are better off AWAY from him. Believe me Staying For The Kids is far more damaging than leaving ever could be.
I was a kid that got 'stayed for'. <damaged>

desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 11:40:33

* i wouldnt want him anywhere near my kids.* realistically though that is not going to happen.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Wed 05-Dec-12 11:41:15

"Also the other problem is that I have no proof that he is anything other than the polite, well spoken, well educated, high earning devoted father and partner that he appears to the world. "

you dont need any proof at all. you can simply say "it's over" and leave you have to justify yoursef to no-one, not even him as he will use your justification and twist it, make you to blame, try and tell you he'll work onhis temper etc. just tell him you're going and that's it.

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 11:41:26

OP why do you think you wouldn't get custody?

raskolnikov Wed 05-Dec-12 11:42:10

How old are your DCs? Do you have family or a friend you can confide in?

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 11:42:27

He's been violent towards you. He is emotionally abusive. He manipulates and threatens you. That really is enough!

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Wed 05-Dec-12 11:42:32

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247

Call them now, tell them everything, and ask for their help.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Wed 05-Dec-12 11:43:28

realistically it can happen. just go. take teh children, dont even mention custody or the fact that he might try and get it. just go. dont let him near them. get good legal advice but do not hand over your children to this maniac. you wont go to prison for ignoring a court order telling you to.

LadyKinbote Wed 05-Dec-12 11:46:45

I agree you should phone someone like Women's Aid (there are other similar organisations too). They won't bully you into doing anything you're not comfortable with, they'll just chat and offer support if they can. Tell them everything you've told us here and they'll give you their honest opinion.

desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 11:47:00

Why would you not get custody OP? I have no proof that he is aggressive. He spoils the children - buys them anything that they want, lets them eat what they want, stay up late when they want to etc. He also plays with them mainly. I do the background stuff (washing, cooking, cleaning etc) so I think that the children would say that they wanted to stay with him and not me. I've spent the last 2 years getting myself into a position where I could survive financially without him (I gave up my career to be a SAHM, I will be back on my feet financially by spring). Our two boys, one in particular, very much take his side - they say things like "why do you make daddy cross" and I thought that courts took the children's views into account. I suspect that any attempt on my part of argue that he is abusive would result in his taking the "she is slightly mad" tack which may well work.

It's not normal for someone to want to hurt you, let alone to tell you this. He must be really enjoying this, it is the worst kind of intimidation. How would you feel if he said this to one of your DC? You deserve better.

MrsFlibble Wed 05-Dec-12 11:48:29

OP hes proven to be unstable and violent, it sickens me to think that a way of "hurting" would be involving your children, it happens, i'd run as soon as possible.

desparatelyseekingsomething Wed 05-Dec-12 11:49:40

Do you have family not that would help - they would not consider minor hand slapping as any kind of problem. There would have to be big bruises. It isn't that they think abuse is okay - they just would not define anything non physical as abuse (stick and stones etc) and the physical stuff would have to hurt and be clearly deliberate. I have very few friends as oh does not make it easy to sustain friendships.

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 11:50:37

You have been a SAHM so you have been doing the majority of the childcare. Therefore the courts would keep that status quo.

Your children are learning their behaviour from him i.e. learning to blame you (or when they get older their partners) for their issues.

AbigailAdams Wed 05-Dec-12 11:51:20

This man is abusive. He is horrible. Ring Women's Aid, please.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 05-Dec-12 11:51:25

How old are your children OP?

MrsFlibble Wed 05-Dec-12 11:52:10

"why do you make daddy cross", that worries me, since they could very well grow up to repeat that behaviour, and just because he spoils them doesnt make him a good dad, it makes him a manipulator, he gives them what they want to make them be on his side, hurting you in the process.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 05-Dec-12 11:52:27

How old are the children? Of course you'll get custody if y our a SAHM and he works?

lostconfusedwhatnext Wed 05-Dec-12 11:52:52

Whatever he said is not relevant to you needing to GET AWAY FROM HIM BECAUSE HE KEEPS RUNNING YOU OVER IN A CAR.

raskolnikov Wed 05-Dec-12 11:53:55

Being the lovely daddy who plays with them and spends money on them is a far cry from looking after them day and night, thru illness,washing, cooking and clearing up after them and driving them backwards and forwards. I suspect that whilst he might enjoy the fun stuff, the novelty of the day to day chores would wear off very quickly it did for my exH.

Flisspaps Wed 05-Dec-12 11:56:02

I have very few friends as oh does not make it easy to sustain friendships so effectively he has isolated you quite well too?

AwaitingSnow Wed 05-Dec-12 11:56:32

My exH told me he wanted to kill me when we had a row. I ignored it (and the other minor acts of violence)

A week later he tried to stab me.

Get out. Do not let him know you are leaving. Just pack and go with the children.

You've been given the warning signs. Do not ignore them. Phone Women's Aid.

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